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Mostly bee ’s hands down the gayt fight vio of all time. Smh, 58, who says he believ homosexual behavr is wrong on relig grounds, tried to tough out.

He spent 17 years a doomed marriage while battlg his urg all day, he said, and dreamg about them all recent years, as he probed his childhood unselg and at men’s weekend retreats wh nam like People Can Change and Journey Into Manhood, “my homosexual feelgs have nearly vanished, ” Mr. Smh is one of thoands of men across the untry, often known as “ex-gay, ” who believe they have changed their most basic sexual sir through some batn of therapy and prayer — somethg most scientists say has never been proved possible and is likely an men are often closeted, fearg ridicule om gay advot who acce them of self-ceptn and, at the same time, fearg rejectn by their church muni as tated oddi. Jerry Brown signed a law banng e of wily discreded sexual “nversn therapi” for mors — an asslt on their own validy, some ex-gay men feel.

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”But many ex-gays have ntued to seek help om such therapists and men’s retreats, sayg their own experience is proof enough that the treatment n Bzer, 35, was so angered by the California ban, which will take effect on Jan. He was tormented as a Christian teenager by his homosexual attractns, but now, after men’s retreats and an onle urse of reparative therapy, he says he feels glimmers of attractn for women and is thkg about datg.

“I found that I uldn’t jt say ‘I’m gay’ and live that way, ” said Mr. Bzer, who plans to seek a doctorate psychology and bee a therapist ex-gays guard their secret but quietly meet support groups around the untry, sharg ias on how to avoid temptatns or, perhaps, broach their past wh a female date.

Some choose celibacy as an improvement over what they regard as a sful gay life.

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Whether they have gone through formal reparative therapy, most ex-gays agree wh s tes, even as they are rejected by mastream scientists. The theori, which have also been adopted by nservative relig opponents of gay marriage, hold that male homosexualy emerg om fay dynamics — often a distant father and an overbearg mother — or om early sexual abe.

”(While some women also stggle wh sexual inty, the ex-gay movement is virtually all male. Spzer, publicly repudiated as valid his own 2001 study suggtg that some people uld change their sexual orientatn; the study had been wily ced by fenrs of the this summer, the ex-gay world was nvulsed when Alan Chambers, the print of Exod Internatnal, the largt Christian mistry for people fightg same-sex attractn, said he did not believe anyone uld be rid of homosexual Nilosi, a psychologist and clil director of the Thomas Aquas Psychologil Clic Enco, Calif., which he scrib as the largt reparative therapy clic the world, disagreed.

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“I don’t believe that anybody is really gay, ” he said.

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“I believe that all people are heterosexual but that some have a homosexual problem, and some of the people attempt to rolve their nflict by adoptg a socpolil label lled ‘gay.

Nilosi said, many patients fd their homosexual urg S., 34, a rporate ntract officer Dallas, says he is among them. Jeremy, who did not want his last name prted to avoid embarrassg his parents, said that om his teens until three years ago he lived as a gay man, at tim havg sex almost daily.

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Crics like Wayne Ben, the executive director of Tth Ws Out, which fights antigay bias, liken such therapy to fah healg, wh apparent effects that later fa also pot out that the failur of such therapy are seldom reported. Cameron Michael Swaim, 20, said he is the early stag of his stggle to overe homosexual sir. Swaim is unemployed and liv wh his parents Orange County, Calif., where his father is a pastor of the Evangelil Friends Church of the tried the gay life, but “ jt don’t settle wh me, ” he said, and ultimately cid “there’s got to be a way to heal this afflictn.

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A versn of this article appears prt on, Sectn A, Page 16 of the New York edn wh the headle: ‘Ex-Gay’ Men Fight Back Agast View That Homosexualy Can’t Be Changed.

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