I married a gay man | SELF

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• THE DEVASTATG WAY I DISVERED I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• ‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV
• WHY AS A GAY MAN I STAND FOR TRADNAL MARRIAGE
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). "It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn.

At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office. Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy. But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris.

A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE

Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date.

Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me aga, sayg, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay. But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

At a party wh his work iends, I got to an argument wh a woman who'd been drkg, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my hband's not gay. Later that eveng, when I told Chris what happened, he remd me that he'd always been teased about beg gay, but he assured me, "It's not te.

He beme fensive and announced, "I haven't gone to bed wh anybody, but I've been gog to gay bars.

As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age. Beg gay would not only endanger his job and fay life, uld also st him his relatnship wh his parents, his church and God. Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The therapist told Chris that he'd have to stop gog to gay bars, and we tried, aga, to start ah. It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man. I also learned that a surprisg number of gays the ary are married bee marriage is such a eful ont.

THE DEVASTATG WAY I DISVERED I MARRIED A GAY MAN

You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian. One night, a rage, he lled my parents and told them, "I'm gay and I've been gog out wh men, but she's screwg around wh another guy. My mother even suggted that I try different thgs sexually to keep Chris terted and mentned that Chris uld take meditn to weaken his onI often joke about wrg a book lled The Girliend's Gui to NOT Marryg a Gay Man, bee I should have tsted my stcts om the start.

I see now that many gay spo genuely believe they are dog the right thg by gettg married, bee they are lyg to themselv more than soul mate and I got married the year after our divorc beme fal, when I was 34.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Marryg a gay man pletely rhaped my life and altered some arly held valu ways I'd never planned. I am livg proof that you n be relig and nservative yet also re for, and even get along wh, a gay former spoe. I have marched for gay rights and spoken about my experience to groups of gay fathers, bee I believe was tolerance and the fear of homosexualy that put me and my fay through plete hell—and I hope none of that was va.

Everyone has a fundamental right to be who he is, and I pray that Amerins as a whole n bee more acceptg of homosexuals. Perhaps then, gay people won't feel the need to pretend they're straight and get married as a way to "prove" to everyone Cred: Plamen Petkov.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

I had the opportuny to talk wh psychotherapist and thor Michael Dale Kimmel about his new book, The Gay Man's Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage.

MDK: I began offerg workshops for gay, bisexual, and transgenr men about eighteen years’ ago, and after a uple of years there were always a few guys who me up to me and said ( whispered ton), “You’ve got to put this stuff a book. While there are lots of books about how to plan your gay weddg, there were virtually none that addrs what to do after the honeymoon is over (lerally and figuratively).

The Gay Man’s Gui to Open and Monogamo Marriage dar to ask the qutn: is monogamy or an open relatnship (or a batn of both) the bt way to stcture your marriage? Same-sex marriage has been a long time g – a few thoand years or so - and now that ’s fally here, many gay, bisexual and transgenr men may thk that ’s a bad ia to “rock the boat” by discsg the kds of ias that this book prents.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

I believe that now is the perfect time to qutn what gay marriage n, should and will be, while is still relatively new, h and malleable. MDK: I have been givg workshops on “monogamy or open relatnship” for many years, long before gay marriage was legal.

While marriage wasn’t a possibily then, the qutns those workshops were basilly the same as those this book: as gay men, do we choose the monogamy of heterosexual marriage as our mol, or do we prefer an open marriage? And yet, most gay marriag emulate whout much thought, assumg that ’s the “right” way to be married.

As a psychotherapist for gay upl for many years’ now, ’s been que clear to me that “handbooks” for heterosexual marriage don’t really apply to our marriag several signifint ways: our marriag are more “signed” than “assumed. I wrote the chapter about “refg genr rol, " bee we have an amazg opportuny as married gay men to terme who we are as two men, married to each other. This book enurag everyone, not jt gay men, to take a good look at that formidable stutn and beg to ask some big, meangful qutns, like:.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

The are not jt qutns for gay upl, they are qutns for all upl: my polyamoro straight clients are alg wh the very same stuff.

‘HONEY, I’VE GOT A SECRET’ : WHEN GAY MEN E OUT TO THEIR WIV

I’ve seen this kd of relatnship many of the gay marriag – both open and monogamo - that I’ve had the pleasure to work wh. Your gay marriage n be amazg, high-functng and extremely fulfillg…if you and your hband are willg to do the work. Megan Holgate uldn’t que believe where she was the height of the Aids crisis and she was the wag room of an ner-cy STI clic, equented by those most at risk of HIV: gay men, jectg dg ers, sex, as she had been, a monogamo married had felt “too ashamed” to ask her doctor for the HIV tt.

A posive rult, back then, would have been a ath the clic a iendly gay unsellor asked Megan to step to his room and asked her if everythg was OK. As her dad pulled up she opened her purse, fat wh not, and phed them all to the bewilred man’s hands before beg whisked is one of a potentially dyg breed of women: those who married closeted gay men. I’m not gay but really nfed and I thk I need you to move back to Atralia so I n work myself out.

WHY AS A GAY MAN I STAND FOR TRADNAL MARRIAGE

And many of the men, embolned by the sense of eedom and h excement afford them by disverg the gay scene, pletely scrib the impact had on her children. ”Siarly, Patricia took issue wh the blok who took her hband out for a beer so they didn’t look homophobic. ”Jt like many gay men do, their wiv n go through nial perds, Roxanne says, believg they n work thgs out.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Her anger wasn’t at him, but at his fay and culture for not lettg him be who he should have been the first place: “It was like he didn’t know how to be gay. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

I WAS MARRIED WH 2 KIDS WHEN I REALIZED I’M GAY

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.