Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WALL STREET CEOS OPEN UP ABOUT THEIR GAY SONS
• ‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD
• MATTHEW GONG, GAY MORMON, REFLECTS ON HIS JOURNEY OM NER WAR TO NER PEACE
• MAGIC JOHNSON ON LEARNG TO ACCEPT HIS GAY SON: 'HE CHANGED ME'
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY
• CHRISTIAN PASTOR STANDS UP AGAST CHURCH FOR HIS GAY SON
• I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI
• IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• MY SO-CALLED EX-GAY LIFE
• GOD GAVE ME A GAY SON . . .

WALL STREET CEOS OPEN UP ABOUT THEIR GAY SONS

When he was CEO of Man Stanley (MS) and Cred Suisse First Boston (CS), John Mack was known for his progrsive views on lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr equaly. "I had strong views of beg anti-gay, " Mack said this month at a nference hosted by Out on the Street, an anizatn that helps firms rec and reta LGBT talent.

Celebri like Anrson Cooper have helped normalize the ia of gay men raisg children, and no longer feels revelatory to see them on televisn, as did when “Morn Fay” premiered mon, Mr.

‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD

Heynen said, but rather a celebratn of the day-to-day liv of gay Jt for the YoungCly Rose, 61, and Ryan, 12Cly Rose, who liv Manhattan, was first photographed for “Dads” three years ago after meetg Mr. Heynen “a lot of cred” for cludg a father like him — a sgle dad his 60s — sce he said there is often a lack of reprentatn of olr gay people art and media, which tends to foc on young, f men.

”Though Gong’s relatnship wh his parents got off to a “rocky start” after he me out — not for lack of love or rejectn but for mismunitn — they are now as close as ever and talk almost every isn’t to say father and son agree on all asked 2018 if havg a gay son had affected his views on LGBTQ issu, the apostle replied, “We love each member of our fay. C., area, where his dad worked at a policy thk the fay moved to Utah, the young Gong found himself a much more homogeneo muny wh a “domant culture, ” he says, where his peers and teachers weren’t exactly sure about his he Mexin? He was lled to London on a Mandar-speakg missn his 21st birthday, at the start of the fal year on his missn, Gong wrote separate emails to each of his brothers and his parents to tell them he was gay.

MATTHEW GONG, GAY MORMON, REFLECTS ON HIS JOURNEY OM NER WAR TO NER PEACE

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart.

Acrdg to my -thor, psychiatrist Jonathan Tobk, "Gay children feel credibly vulnerable when g out to their parents, and tak time to work up the urage to do this.

In the vio, Bannon shows a supportive father who helped his son drs green makp and heels to be Elphaba on Halloween before eher of them unrstood what beg gay might've meant for him. Both lbians and gay men often have a history of cross-sex-typed behavrs: ltle boys beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg.

MAGIC JOHNSON ON LEARNG TO ACCEPT HIS GAY SON: 'HE CHANGED ME'

Prehomosexual boys tend to be more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer.

It is only relatively recently, however, that velopmental scientists have nducted ntrolled studi to intify the earlit and most reliable signs of adult homosexualy. So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg.

Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women. Bailey and Zucker, who nducted a retrospective study which adults answered qutns about their past, revealed that 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median. There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr-nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual or bisexual orientatn will be prent adulthood.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Cross-cultural data show that prehomosexual boys are more attracted to solary sports such as swimmg, cyclg and tennis than they are to rougher ntact sports such as football and soccer; they are also ls likely to be childhood bulli. Bee the data often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc. Lang, Elton John and Rachel Maddow's close relativ, but I n only image that the straight k are far better off terms of their own reproductive opportuni than they would be whout a homosexual danglg so magnificently on their fay tre.

So cultivate your ltle prehomosexual's native talents, and your ultimate geic payoff uld, strangely enough, be even larger wh one very special gay child than would be if 10 medcre straight offsprg leaped om your los. I n say as a once prehomosexual pipsqueak that some preparatn on the part of others would have ma easier on me, rather than nstantly fearg rejectn or worryg about some rels slipup leadg to my “exposure.

And another thg: mt be pretty hard to look to your prehomosexual toddler's limpid ey, bsh away the okie cmbs om her cheek and toss her out on the streets for beg article was origally published wh the tle "Is Your Child Gay? So below I've provid a better list of ways to tell if your son is a gay person who is you e home om work and you hear nois upstairs and you go up to vtigate and your son's door is open and you tch him "hookg up" (as kids ll today) wh his iend Michael, and you quickly turn around and walk back downstairs and later that night over dner you say "You know, honey, if there's ever anythg you need to tell me... " and he says "Mom, I'm gay, " then your son is your son has recently gone to llege and hasn't been touch much and you figure hey he's new to llege, he's by makg iends and whatnot, and then late one night he lls you on the phone soundg upset about somethg and you ask him what's wrong and he's quiet for a while and then says "Nothg's wrong, really, I'm jt...

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY

Dad, I'm gay, " then your son is your son ever been on a long drive to one of your dghter's swim meets wh you and when stopped at a red light he's turned to you and said "Mom, I feel like I owe to you and dad to tell you that, well, Donald is my boyiend.

CHRISTIAN PASTOR STANDS UP AGAST CHURCH FOR HIS GAY SON

Chanc are that if you are on your athbed and your tranged son to vis you the middle of a ray night and he ss by your bed quietly until he begs to cry and clutch your hand and says "I wish I'd told you sooner that I'm gay" and then you both stay there silence, you pretendg to be asleep, the only noise the beepg of the mach that will only keep you alive for a ltle while longer, your son is you and your spoe are ever visg your son the big cy he now liv wh all his fancy iends and fancy rtrants and you're out to an awkward lunch before your tra home and you three get to another potls fight about years-old stuff and 's really unfortable and fally you or your spoe says "Well, if you'd jt settle down wh the right girl, I thk-" and then your son terpts you by yellg "Guys, I'm GAY. " and then you lgh and ms his hair and the livg room your hband shows your son's boyiend his mol ships, then your son is probably gay, though he might be bisexual, so be reful about your son ever says "Oh my goodns, " when surprised or when openg a gift, well then yeah, he probably gay. A Christian Reformed Church pastor who has a gay son has spoken out agast the nomatn’s cisn to uphold s teachg agast same-sex relatnships and Styk, pastor of Communy Church Wyomg, Mich., was a legate to the Christian Reformed synod — a meetg of nomatnal lears — last week Grand Rapids, Mich.

I TRIED TO STOP MY SON FROM BEG GAY. I WISH I HADN'T

At the synod, legat voted to stand by a cisn ma 2022, upgradg the nomal posn opposg same-sex relatnships om pastoral advice to “nfsnal stat, ” meang “is nsired part of the re beliefs of the [Christian Reformed Church] and that anyone holdg office the church is expected to uphold , ” acrdg to a Christian Reformed said his gay son, CNN producer Ryan Styk, has helped him bee a supporter of LGBTQ+ equaly. ”Pastor stands up for son after church exclus LGBTQ supporters Your Se ArticlInclivens Is an Asset to Major LGBT-Affirmg Church and Synagogu ›Same-Sex Weddg Likely to End Profsor's Job at Christian School ›Michigan Church Congregatn Ref to Remove LGBTQ+ Dean ›Chick fil A COO Dan Cathy Officially Com Out as Antigay ›WATCH: Ted Cz Says Marriage Equaly Rulg 'Will Not Stand' ›Iowa Republins Seek to End Marriage Equaly State ›Christian-Owned Bs Can Discrimate Agast LGBTQ+ People: Court ›. Ryan: i know i amRyan: i don’t like hannahRyan: ’s jt a ver-upMom: but that don’t make you gay…Ryan: i knowRyan: but u don’t unrstandRyan: i am gayMom: tell me moreRyan: ’s jt the way i am and ’s somethg i knowRyan: u r not a lbian and u know that.

Ryan: i am jt gayRyan: i am thatMom: I love you no matter whatRyan: i am whe not blackRyan: i knowRyan: i am a boy not a girlRyan: i am attracted to boys not girlsRyan: u know that about yourself and i know thisMom: what about what God thks about actg on the sir?

He read all the Christian books that explaed where his gay feelgs me om and dove to unselg to further disver the orig of his unwanted attractn to other guys. But not at all the way we had, when I thk back on the fear that erned all my reactns durg those first six years after Ryan told he was gay, I crge as I realize how foolish I was.

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

I psed on our lol PBS affiliate, where a huge choir was sgg, and after a few sends I realized was the Gay Men's Chos of some cy or another dog a fundraisg ncert. We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of watched as they livered a rendn of what I remember as "Somewhere Over the Rabow, " bee eher they or my memory are unfivably basic.

Such a photograph would have been extraordarily rare jt s ago, but now is one of many published the book “Dads, ” a four-year visual archive of gay fatherhood across Ameri that began 2016. “I felt a ltle b lonely as a gay dad – although there are two of – but lonely the sense that all the other fai I knew were straight parents, ” Heynen said a vio ll, explag why he began photographg the seri. Heynen, as well as the fathers he photographed, hope that the photographs “Dads” will dispel some of the hurtful stereotyp that still lger around gay fatherhood.

MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

Hosted by Wt Hollywood uple Yan and Alex, the dads e each episo to chat parentg and relatnships, and lately have been focg each episo on the gay rights and fatherhood pathways by untry, and vg a gay father om each lotn on as a gut. This YA g-of-age novel follows high schooler Sal, who was adopted to a lovg Mexin Amerin fay by his gay father, when he begs to qutn his inty and place the world durg his senr year.

IS MY SON GAY OR IS A PHASE?

Gay kids often tell their parents about their sexualy the middle of a fight bee they feel that they have nothg left to lose sce you are already upset wh them. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

" Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers).

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships. Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man.

Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love.

I grew up outsi of New York Cy, the meltg pot, attend llege and worked New York, yet when I found out my son, Jam, age 13, was gay, I reverted to "not my backyard.

MY SO-CALLED EX-GAY LIFE

When I terviewed straight parents for When Your Child Is Gay, they ed words such as fear, shock, helplsns, strs, and extreme sadns to scribe their experienc wh nial.

However, be sure you pick a gay-iendly one om an anizatn such as the Amerin Associatn of Psychiatrists that has a divisn of gay therapists om which to choose.

You may say that parentg is parentg, but the straight parent of a gay child has to al wh addnal issu such as bullyg, possible low self-teem of their child, discrimatn, to name a few. Joseph Nilosi, a clil psychologist California who was then print of the Natnal Associatn for Rearch and Therapy of Homosexualy (NARTH), the untry's largt anizatn for practners of ex-gay therapy.

GOD GAVE ME A GAY SON . . .

I left the office wh a py of Nilosi's most recent book, Healg Homosexualy, and a worksheet that tegorized different emotns unr the brics of "te self" and "false self. My mother might not have so easily found rmatn about ex-gay therapy had the Christian right not planted this stake the culture ad appeared 23 years after the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn (APA) classified homosexualy as a mental illns. A small group of therapists ntued to practice talk therapy that enuraged patients to see homosexualy as a velopmental disorr, but they remaed on the ge until the Christian right took up their e.

Instead of fire-and-brimstone nunciatns om the pulp, the ex-gay movement allowed the Christian right to uch s nmnatn of homosexualy a way that seemed passnate. Foc on the Fay lled s new ex-gay mistry Love Won Out and talked about healg and rg for ex-gay movement turned the rhetoric of gay rights agast self: Shouldn't ex-gays be able to pursue therapy and live the liv they want whout facg discrimatn? Together wh the late Charl Soris, a psychiatrist who led the opposn to classifyg homosexualy as a mental illns, Nilosi formed NARTH 1992 as a "scientific anizatn that offers hope to those who stggle wh unwanted homosexualy.

Nilosi remas NARTH's most visible are no reliable statistics for how many patients have received ex-gay treatment or how many therapists practice , but the late 1990s and early 2000s, ex-gay therapy enjoyed a legimacy hadn't sce the APA removed homosexualy om s diagnostic manual.