Five Gay Cars for the Enomic Apolypse | Vany Fair

Contents:

• GAY FAY AUTO
• GAY FAY AUTO
• TWO GAY GUYS WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIPBY BRETT BERKAPRIL 13, 2010SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEMY BT IEND COL NEEDS A NEW R. HIS CURRENT RI, A 1999 VW PASSAT WAGON, ISN’T AD. IN FACT ’S STILL NNG STRONG, AND ’S THE RIGHT SIZE FOR TRANSPORTG HIM AND HIS BOYIEND AND ALL THEIR CRAP—AS WELL AS HIS ADORABLE P BULL/BOXER MIX, WALLY—BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CY AND HIS HOE UPSTATE NEARLY EVERY WEEKEND OF THE YEAR. BUT COL HAS BEEN GETTG CREASGLY SICK OF THE R FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS AS LTLE, BUT ANNOYG, STUFF ON HAS STARTED TO FAIL. AND EVERY SO OFTEN, A GENTLEMAN NEEDS A CHANGE, IF JT TO FEEL ALIVE. THE PROBLEM IS, COL HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST. ACTUALLY, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST, BUT WORKS THE PUBLISHG DTRY WHICH, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IS MORED TO GO THE WAY OF THE HABERDASHERY DTRY AT ANY MOMENT, SO ’S NOT THE BT TIME TO BLOW HIS WAD ON A FANCY VEHICLE. HAVG SEEN SOME OF THE SPERATE, CARMAGEDDON-SPIRED TO MANUFACTURER PROMOTNS THAT ARE CURRENTLY LTERG THE AIRWAV, AND FOLLOWG MY RECSN-IENDLY IDM, DOWNSIZG IS THE NEW UPSLE, HE CID WOULD BE BT TO LEASE AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS WHILE SAVG UP FOR WHAT HE LLS HIS “GOAL WAGON”—AN AUDI, MERCES, OR VOLVO—WHEN/IF THE ENOMY IMPROV AND HIS JOB/LIFE FEELS MORE SECURE. TAKE A FLAILG STAB AT GUSG WHICH TOMOTIVE JOURNALIST WAS TAGGED TO HELP MR. FANCYPANTS HIS UNATTAABLE QUT FOR A PLETELY SATISFYG, SUB-STANDARD VEHICLE? LIKE LNS OF OTHER AMERINS—AS WELL AS SOME “WILDG” TEENS—WE BEGAN OUR SEARCH AT THE NEW YORK AUTO SHOW. HERE, I TOOK COL AND HIS BF ON A TOUR OF ABOUT A DOZEN VEHICL THAT ULD POTENTIALLY MEET HIS NEEDS, RS THAT WERE EXPENSIVE, ACCEPTABLY STYLISH (OR AT LEAST “STYLISH”), ENOMIL, BIG ENOUGH FOR WALLY TO STAND UP THE RGO HOLD, AND NOT OM A BRAND COL FOUND “TACKY, PRSG, OR EMBARRASSG.” I WAS ALSO PULLED TOWARD THE EXHIBS OM SOME OF THE MASSPIRATNAL EUROPEAN BRANDS MENTNED ABOVE, SO MY IEND ULD LEER AT AND N HIS HANDS OVER THE SCTIVE FLANKS OF HIS POTENTIAL FUTURE SLEDS. REALTORS OFTEN E THE TRICK OF SHOWG YOU A DUMPY PLACE WH YOUR PRICE RANGE AS A WAY OF ENURAGG YOU TO MAKE THE JUMP UP TO A HIGHER AND MORE SATISFYG LEVEL. THE REVERSE DO NOT WORK R SHOPPG. AFTER EVERY FORD OR MAZDA I POTED OUT, COL WOULD GROAN AND SAY THGS LIKE, “I JT HATE TO PAY FOR SOMETHG THAT WON’T SATISFY ME. IT’S LIKE BUYG CHEAP CLOTHG.” HE ALSO DID A LOT OF PUTTG HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND SNEERG.WE ULTIMATELY END UP NARROWG OUR LIST TO ABOUT FIVE VEHICL, A MIX OF WAGONS, HATCHBACKS, AND SMALL S.U.V.-LIKE “CROSSOVERS”—R-BASED, TALL WAGONS SIGNED TO SATE AMERIN’S SIRE FOR VERSATILY, RGO ROOM, AND CENT GAS EAGE, WHILE GLOSSG OVER THEIR ENMIC AVERSN TO ANYTHG THAT SMACKS OF THEIR WAGON-Y CHILDHOODS. THEN WE MA APPOTMENTS AT SOME MID-MARKET ALERS. ADD TO THE AGENDA AT THE LAST MUTE BY MY B.F.F. WAS A TRIP TO THE VOLVO STORE MANHATTAN FOR A TT DRIVE OF THEIR ADORABLE V50 WAGON. NOT ONLY WAS THIS THE FIRST STOP OF THE DAY, TH GUARANTEEG THAT EVERY VEHICLE WE DROVE AFTER WOULD BE PARED TO (NEGATIVELY), BUT TURNED OUT THAT THE SILVER MOL WE TTED WAS ONE OF THE LAST ON THE ENTIRE NORTHEAST, NOT GOOD FOR A NSUMER WH A CID PETIVE STREAK. EVEN WORSE, WHEN WE RETURNED OM A QUICK LOOP AROUND THE WT SI, THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF QUEENS WAG TO TAKE THE LTLE SWE FOR A SP. “WE’RE BUYG !” COL SHOUTED OVER HIS SHOULR AT THE OTHER UPLE. FORTUNATELY, I TALKED HIM OUT OF THIS, (AS DID THE LEASE PRICE, WHICH WAS ABOUT TWICE HIS BUDGET.)NEXT STOP WAS THE HONDA ALER, WHERE WE CHECKED OUT A NEW PIANO-BLACK ACRD CROSSTOUR—SENTIALLY A BIG-ASSED, JACKED-UP, FIVE-DOOR VERSN OF THEIR ETERNALLY POPULAR SEDAN—AND A DARK BLUE CR-V—THE MOST POPULAR SMALL S.U.V. AMERI. THE CROSSTOUR WAS IMMEDIATELY LED OUT AS TOO RICH, AS WAS NOT CLUD UNR THE UMBRELLA OF HONDA’S $0/$0/$0/$0 LEASE PROMOTN, WHICH ALLEGEDLY ALLOWS YOU TO LEAVE THE ALERSHIP A NEW R WHOUT PUTTG ANY MONEY DOWN—HENCE ALL THOSE ZERO. THE CR-V, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS EMED ACCEPTABLE AND ROOMY, BUT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH R FOR A GUY WHOUT ANY COST TRIPS TO MAKE OR KIDS TO SHUFFLE OFF TO QIGONG PRACTICE. ALSO, S POPULARY WORKED AGAST . “WHY WOULD I WANT THE SAME R EVERYONE ELSE HAS?” MY IEND ASKED. (BEE ’S A HIGHLY RATED, SATISFYG, ROOMY, AFFORDABLE VEHICLE, DID NOT REALLY RATE AS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER.) THIS WAS PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO TRY AND NVCE HIM OF THE MERS OF TTG A PLEBEIAN-SEEMG CHEVROLET EQUOX, ONE OF THE CR-V’S EXCELLENT DOMTIC PETORS, BUT I MA A SE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE EQUOX IS SO WELL REGARD—CHEVROLET IS SELLG EVERY SGLE ONE THEY BUILD—THAT THERE ARE NO PROMOTNS AVAILABLE ON , RENRG LEASE-UNIENDLY, THE PARLANCE. “I N'T BELIEVE I N'T EVEN AFFORD MY STUPID CRAPPY FALL-BACK R!” COL SHOUTED.WE HEAD OUT TO OUR FAL STOP, A VW ALER CENTRAL JERSEY, FEELG A B FEATED. NOT HELPG MATTERS MUCH, I REALIZED A B LATE, WAS THE FACT THAT WE WERE NDUCTG THIS ENTIRE TOUR A $70,000 JAGUAR XF SC, THE LEATHER-LED, ALUMUM-TRIMMED, HIGH-OUTPUT, BOOMGLY-STEREOED, LUBE-SLICK VERSN OF ONE OF MY TOP 5 RS OM 2009. AS WE DROVE THROUGH SUBURBAN HELL, COL RAN HIS HAND LONGGLY OVER THE JAG’S EXQUISE, FRENCH-STCHED, W-HI DASH. “I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A KIA MIVAN OR SOMETHG FOR THIS TRIP,” I OFFERED. HE SIMPLY SIGHED.FORTUNATELY, THE VW ALER DID NOT DISAPPOT. HE FOUND A JETTA SPORTWAGON A LOVELY SHA OF METALLIC NIGHT-SKY BLUE WH ALL THE OPTNS THAT COL ULD REALISTILLY AFFORD—BLUETOOTH NNECTIVY FOR HIS CELL PHONE, A SUNROOF, A CENT STEREO—FOR $0 DOWN (SAVE TAX AND FE), AND A REALISTIC MONTHLY PRICE. HE EVEN OFFERED A CENT AMOUNT OF SH FOR TRA ON THE OLD PASSAT, LIKELY THE RULT OF SOME BRAND-LOYALTY PROGRAM. WILL COL BE HAPPY? BEFORE SIGNG PAPERS HE HAD ME SUR THE INTER FOR EXAMPL OF CLEAN, LOW-EAGE, TWO YEAR-OLD AUDI, MERCES, AND VOLVO WAGONS, SO MY GUS IS, PROBABLY NOT. BUT I’M WILLG TO BET THAT HE’LL BE SATISFIED. AND THE LEASE HE’S SIGNG HAS A SET TERM, ALLOWG A CLEAR END-DATE FOR PG FOR HIS GOAL WAGON.BRETT BERK WR GAILY ABOUT CULTURE, POLICS, AND RS FOR , AND IS THE THOR OF THE GAY UNCLE’S GUI TO PARENTG. VIS HIM AT OR FOLLOW HIM ON TWTER.MOST POPULARVANY FAIR’S “IT’S RAG TEENS” COVER AT 20: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?BY SAVANNAH WALSHREMEMBERG SéAD O’CONNOR’S SUBLIME MIC AND RIGHTEO RAGEBY MIKE HOGANRED, WHE & ROYAL BLUE MAY BE “THE MOST EXPENSIVE B OF FAN FICTN EVER”BY SAVANNAH WALSHBRETT BERK
• THE 10 BT CARS WHICH TO GET GAY-MARRIED
• WHAT GAY AND LBIAN R BUYERS WANT VIEW SLISHOW 1/0SHOW SLI INFORMATN WHAT GAY AND LBIAN R BUYERS WANT
• GAY FAY KIA
• GAY FAY KIA
• JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU
• FIVE GAY CARS FOR THE ENOMIC APOLYPSEBY BRETT BERKOCTOBER 2, 2008SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEWH THE ARRIVAL OF THE FULL-ON ENOMIC MELTDOWN, EVERYONE NEEDS TO SLE BACK, EVEN THE GAYS. BUT CUTTG RNERS DON'T MEAN YOU N'T REMA CHIC. HERE ARE FIVE EXTREMELY ED—BUT STILL PELLG—RS YOU N EFULLY UTILIZE THE HARD TIM TO E, ONE FOR EACH OF THE RE HOMOSEXUAL (VEHICULAR) BODY-TYP.1) WAGON: 1979-1985 MERCES 300TDTHOUGH THE BENZ BOYS HAVE MA OTHER TOURG VEHICL THE HUNDRED OR SO YEARS SCE THEY VENTED THE TOMOBILE, THIS ONE IS THE CLASSIC. IT'S GAY AN UNRSTATED, BUT SOLIDLY TASTEFUL KD OF WAY: SUAL, SLOW, LILTG, BUT OH SO ELEGANT, LIKE YOUR RATOR, OR BILL BLASS. ON THE FISL DOOM SI, THE 300TD IS POWERED BY THE VENERABLE MERCES 5 CYLR DIEL, OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE MOST DURABLE ENGE EVER CREATED—REGULARLY NNG FOR OVER A HALF-LN —SO THERE'LL BE NONE OF THOSE TROUBLG REPAIR BILLS (AT LEAST ON THIS PONENT). IN ADDN, YOU N EASILY GET THIS POWERPLANT NVERTED TO N ON ED RTRANT GREASE, AND YOU KNOW THAT A DOWN-TURNED AMERIN ENOMY, THERE'S GOG TO BE PLENTY OF CHEAP IED FOOD BEG NSUMED, SO YOU'RE GUARANTEED A STEADY SUPPLY OF FUEL. FALLY, THE REAR SEAT FOLDS DOWN, CREATG A RELATIVELY LARGE SPACE WHERE YOU (AND YOUR DOG, AND MAYBE ONE SMALL IEND) N LIVE.2) CONVERTIBLE: 1989-1997 MAZDA MIATATHE PUNCH LE TO EVERY STRAIGHT A-HOLE'S JOKE ABOUT WHAT A GAY R LOOKS LIKE, MAZDA'S MORN TAKE ON THE BRISH ROADSTERS OF THE 60'S AND 70'S IS, TTH, GAY AS HELL. I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T BE UGHT AD DRIVG ONE PUBLIC FOR FEAR OF HAVG EGGS THROWN AT MY FACE, BUT THE NUMERO PRIVATE TIM I'VE DRIVEN MY IENDS' MIATAS I'VE FOUND THEM FIENDISHLY FUN (AND SO CUTE, I JT WANT TO GAY MARRY THEM). THE FIRST-GENERATN RS ARE TNIER THE CURRENT MOL, SOMEWHAT UNRPOWERED, AND OFTEN A B BEAT UP, BUT TH GREAT DEPRSN-STYLE CHEAP. AND THEY'RE JAPANE-LEVEL RELIABLE, AS LONG AS YOU TAKE RE OF THEM (AND DON'T GET THEM STOLEN BY JOYRIDG TEENS AND FLIPPED TO A OZEN LAKE, WHICH ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ONE OF MY PALS). OKAY, THEY HAVE ONLY TWO SEATS, MAKG THEM NOT EXACTLY FAY-IENDLY, BUT NOW THAT OUR ENOMY'S SPIRALG DOWN THE SHTER, YOU'RE GOG TO NEED TO CUT THAT SURROGATE LOOSE ANYWAY, THIRD TRIMTER OR NOT.MOST POPULARSARA RAMIREZ ISSU STHG RPONSE TO ANTI–CHE DIAZ PROFILEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLDESANTIS BOARD NIX FREE DISNEY PASS AND DISUNTS FOR EMPLOYE, MOVE SURE TO W THE GOVERNOR MAJOR POPULARY POTSBY BS LEV3) SUV: 1981-1991 ISUZU TROOPEREVERYONE KNOWS A FAG WHO'S BOUGHT (OR LTED AFTER) A VTAGE LAND ROVER. THEY REPRENT A GAY FANTASY OF SOME MID-CENTURY, GRAHAM GREENE, CLOSET-SE, AMBASSADORIAL LIFTYLE, WH LOTS OF SLIM SUS, AFTERNOON CKTAIL PARTI, AND CUTE NATIVE POOL BOYS. BUT WHILE THE LAND ROVERS ARE DURABLE ENOUGH TO TREK ACROSS AIN SERTS, OR BE ED AS THE LEAD VEHICLE A TRIBAL WARLORD PARA, THEY'RE BY NECSY HEAVY AND OVERBUILT, RENRG THEM EFFICIENT FOR OUR UGAL TIM. FORTUNATELY, I'VE FOUND A VIABLE SUBSTUTE. BUILT BIG AND UPRIGHT LIKE A CLASSIC BRISH SAFARI VEHICLE, BUT WH A TY UNRPOWERED FOUR-CYLR ENGE AND A WHG MANUAL TRANSMISSN, THIS IS THE FIRST GENERATN ISUZU TROOPER. MORE A POOR-MAN'S TOYOTA LAND CISER THAN A BUDGET LAND ROVER, THE TROOPER LIV UP TO S NAME,(AS LONG AS YOU DON'T LET TOUCH ROAD SALT; IF YOU DO, START UNTG BACKWARDS OM ONE AND WATCH DISSOLVE). ON THE BIG-TIME PL SI, WAS ONE OF THE FEW VEHICL EVER TO E EQUIPPED WH AN ALTIMETER—THAT'S A VICE THAT TELLS YOU HOW HIGH YOU ARE ABOVE SEA LEVEL—A FEATURE WHICH WILL E PECIALLY HANDY DURG THE NEXT IMPENDG GLOBAL TASTROPHIC EVENT: RISG TIS.MOST POPULARSARA RAMIREZ ISSU STHG RPONSE TO ANTI–CHE DIAZ PROFILEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLDESANTIS BOARD NIX FREE DISNEY PASS AND DISUNTS FOR EMPLOYE, MOVE SURE TO W THE GOVERNOR MAJOR POPULARY POTSBY BS LEV4) TCK: 1981-1985 VOLKSWAGEN RABB DIEL PICKUPYOU OWN A GAY LANDSPG BS, SO YOU CLAIM THAT YOU NEED A BIG TCK. BUT HOW MUCH (AHEM) EQUIPMENT ARE YOU ACTUALLY PACKG? A MOWER, A WEED-WHACKER, SOME CLIPPERS, A FEW HAND TOOLS, A BLOWER, AND TWO OR THREE PAIRS OF NAIL SCISSORS? WELL, 'S CNCH-TIME, SISTER. TIME TO TAKE THE LOSS ON YOUR RAM HEMI. FORTUNATELY, THE ENOMY'S LLAPSE CIS WH THE END OF GRASS-GROWG SEASON, SO THE ONLY THG YOU NEED TO CUT IS YOUR FUEL BILL. THANKFULLY, YOU N PICK UP ONE OF THE FOR ABOUT WHAT ALERS WILL BE OFFERG YOU FOR YOUR GAS-SWILLG, YEAR-OLD QUAD-CAB: A VOLKSWAGEN RABB DIEL PICKUP. THIS LTLE BABY IS ENOMY CLASS ALL THE WAY: HAS ONLY ENOUGH ROOM SI FOR YOU AND YOUR RRY-ONS, IS STRICTLY B.Y.O.E. (BRG YOUR OWN EVERYTHG), AND WILL S THREE ACROSS ONLY IF SOMEONE IS SI THE GUY THE CENTER POSN. BUT GETS ABOUT 45 M.P.G., LOOKS WEIRDLY STYLISH, AND HAS A FULLY FUNCTNAL RGO BED. I KNOW: 'S GERMAN. BUT, FORTUNATELY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TO GIVE YOUR PK DOLLARS TO THE VENTORS OF THE PK TRIANGLE, THIS PARTICULAR VEE-DUB WAS BUILT A DOMTIC PLANT PENNSYLVANIA. GET SOME BODY LORED PAT AND WHE-OUT THE V-O-L-K AND E-N ON THE TAILGATE, AND YOU HAVE THE GAYT TCK THE WORLD: THE BACK OF WILL READ S-W-A-G5) SEDAN: 1994-1997 HONDA ACRDVOTE FOR YOUR FAVORE DOW-DROPP' GAY CAR(POLLS)YOUR JOB'S BEEN ELIMATED, YOUR NDO'S BEEN FORECLOSED, AND YOUR ACURA HAS BEEN REPO-ED. YOUR BOYIEND LEFT YOU FOR SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DARE ASK HIM TO ENOMIZE BY SUBSTUTG SMIRNOFF FOR BELVERE. YOUR CLOST IENDS ARE RIDG THGS OUT AN OFF-THE-GRID MODULAR DOWN BELIZE. LEAVG YOU WH NOTHG BUT A SCHLE OF MOR SMETIC PROCR TO ANIZE YOUR DAYS. AND YOU HAVE TO GET TO THEM SOMEHOW (YOU'RE NOT GOG TO LET KASIA, G, AND D'REE DOWN THIS TIME OF CRISIS). SO, YOU BUY ONE OF THE: A LATE MOL HONDA ACRD. IT'S STILL GOT THE "CHET" OF BEG JAPANE. IT'S EFFICIENT AND PENDABLE. AND AS SOON AS YOU REPLACE THE PURPLE NEON WASHER NOZZL AND BOOM' FFEE N EXHST THAT THE KID YOU BOUGHT OM STALLED, WILL BE A VERY STEALTHY VEHICLE, EFUL FOR SLIPPG UNR THE GAYDAR OF THE WDOW-SMASHG NEO-FASCISTS WHO ARE SURE TO BE ON THE RISE ONCE THIS PRSN REALLY GETS SOME TRACTN, OR THE CHILDREN OF MEN-LIKE CROWDS OF ANGRY URBAN OUT HUNTG FOR SEEMGLY VALUABLE GAY PREY.BRETT BERK
• JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU

GAY FAY AUTO

Gay Fay Auto.

GAY FAY AUTO

Gay Fay Auto Cars for Sale |. And the lease he’s signg has a set term, allowg a clear end-date for pg for his Goal Berk wr gaily about culture, polics, and rs for, and is the thor of The Gay Uncle’s Gui to Parentg.

TWO GAY GUYS WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIPBY BRETT BERKAPRIL 13, 2010SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEMY BT IEND COL NEEDS A NEW R. HIS CURRENT RI, A 1999 VW PASSAT WAGON, ISN’T AD. IN FACT ’S STILL NNG STRONG, AND ’S THE RIGHT SIZE FOR TRANSPORTG HIM AND HIS BOYIEND AND ALL THEIR CRAP—AS WELL AS HIS ADORABLE P BULL/BOXER MIX, WALLY—BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE CY AND HIS HOE UPSTATE NEARLY EVERY WEEKEND OF THE YEAR. BUT COL HAS BEEN GETTG CREASGLY SICK OF THE R FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS AS LTLE, BUT ANNOYG, STUFF ON HAS STARTED TO FAIL. AND EVERY SO OFTEN, A GENTLEMAN NEEDS A CHANGE, IF JT TO FEEL ALIVE. THE PROBLEM IS, COL HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST. ACTUALLY, THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS CHAMPAGNE TAST, BUT WORKS THE PUBLISHG DTRY WHICH, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IS MORED TO GO THE WAY OF THE HABERDASHERY DTRY AT ANY MOMENT, SO ’S NOT THE BT TIME TO BLOW HIS WAD ON A FANCY VEHICLE. HAVG SEEN SOME OF THE SPERATE, CARMAGEDDON-SPIRED TO MANUFACTURER PROMOTNS THAT ARE CURRENTLY LTERG THE AIRWAV, AND FOLLOWG MY RECSN-IENDLY IDM, DOWNSIZG IS THE NEW UPSLE, HE CID WOULD BE BT TO LEASE AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS WHILE SAVG UP FOR WHAT HE LLS HIS “GOAL WAGON”—AN AUDI, MERCES, OR VOLVO—WHEN/IF THE ENOMY IMPROV AND HIS JOB/LIFE FEELS MORE SECURE. TAKE A FLAILG STAB AT GUSG WHICH TOMOTIVE JOURNALIST WAS TAGGED TO HELP MR. FANCYPANTS HIS UNATTAABLE QUT FOR A PLETELY SATISFYG, SUB-STANDARD VEHICLE? LIKE LNS OF OTHER AMERINS—AS WELL AS SOME “WILDG” TEENS—WE BEGAN OUR SEARCH AT THE NEW YORK AUTO SHOW. HERE, I TOOK COL AND HIS BF ON A TOUR OF ABOUT A DOZEN VEHICL THAT ULD POTENTIALLY MEET HIS NEEDS, RS THAT WERE EXPENSIVE, ACCEPTABLY STYLISH (OR AT LEAST “STYLISH”), ENOMIL, BIG ENOUGH FOR WALLY TO STAND UP THE RGO HOLD, AND NOT OM A BRAND COL FOUND “TACKY, PRSG, OR EMBARRASSG.” I WAS ALSO PULLED TOWARD THE EXHIBS OM SOME OF THE MASSPIRATNAL EUROPEAN BRANDS MENTNED ABOVE, SO MY IEND ULD LEER AT AND N HIS HANDS OVER THE SCTIVE FLANKS OF HIS POTENTIAL FUTURE SLEDS. REALTORS OFTEN E THE TRICK OF SHOWG YOU A DUMPY PLACE WH YOUR PRICE RANGE AS A WAY OF ENURAGG YOU TO MAKE THE JUMP UP TO A HIGHER AND MORE SATISFYG LEVEL. THE REVERSE DO NOT WORK R SHOPPG. AFTER EVERY FORD OR MAZDA I POTED OUT, COL WOULD GROAN AND SAY THGS LIKE, “I JT HATE TO PAY FOR SOMETHG THAT WON’T SATISFY ME. IT’S LIKE BUYG CHEAP CLOTHG.” HE ALSO DID A LOT OF PUTTG HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND SNEERG.WE ULTIMATELY END UP NARROWG OUR LIST TO ABOUT FIVE VEHICL, A MIX OF WAGONS, HATCHBACKS, AND SMALL S.U.V.-LIKE “CROSSOVERS”—R-BASED, TALL WAGONS SIGNED TO SATE AMERIN’S SIRE FOR VERSATILY, RGO ROOM, AND CENT GAS EAGE, WHILE GLOSSG OVER THEIR ENMIC AVERSN TO ANYTHG THAT SMACKS OF THEIR WAGON-Y CHILDHOODS. THEN WE MA APPOTMENTS AT SOME MID-MARKET ALERS. ADD TO THE AGENDA AT THE LAST MUTE BY MY B.F.F. WAS A TRIP TO THE VOLVO STORE MANHATTAN FOR A TT DRIVE OF THEIR ADORABLE V50 WAGON. NOT ONLY WAS THIS THE FIRST STOP OF THE DAY, TH GUARANTEEG THAT EVERY VEHICLE WE DROVE AFTER WOULD BE PARED TO (NEGATIVELY), BUT TURNED OUT THAT THE SILVER MOL WE TTED WAS ONE OF THE LAST ON THE ENTIRE NORTHEAST, NOT GOOD FOR A NSUMER WH A CID PETIVE STREAK. EVEN WORSE, WHEN WE RETURNED OM A QUICK LOOP AROUND THE WT SI, THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF QUEENS WAG TO TAKE THE LTLE SWE FOR A SP. “WE’RE BUYG !” COL SHOUTED OVER HIS SHOULR AT THE OTHER UPLE. FORTUNATELY, I TALKED HIM OUT OF THIS, (AS DID THE LEASE PRICE, WHICH WAS ABOUT TWICE HIS BUDGET.)NEXT STOP WAS THE HONDA ALER, WHERE WE CHECKED OUT A NEW PIANO-BLACK ACRD CROSSTOUR—SENTIALLY A BIG-ASSED, JACKED-UP, FIVE-DOOR VERSN OF THEIR ETERNALLY POPULAR SEDAN—AND A DARK BLUE CR-V—THE MOST POPULAR SMALL S.U.V. AMERI. THE CROSSTOUR WAS IMMEDIATELY LED OUT AS TOO RICH, AS WAS NOT CLUD UNR THE UMBRELLA OF HONDA’S $0/$0/$0/$0 LEASE PROMOTN, WHICH ALLEGEDLY ALLOWS YOU TO LEAVE THE ALERSHIP A NEW R WHOUT PUTTG ANY MONEY DOWN—HENCE ALL THOSE ZERO. THE CR-V, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS EMED ACCEPTABLE AND ROOMY, BUT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH R FOR A GUY WHOUT ANY COST TRIPS TO MAKE OR KIDS TO SHUFFLE OFF TO QIGONG PRACTICE. ALSO, S POPULARY WORKED AGAST . “WHY WOULD I WANT THE SAME R EVERYONE ELSE HAS?” MY IEND ASKED. (BEE ’S A HIGHLY RATED, SATISFYG, ROOMY, AFFORDABLE VEHICLE, DID NOT REALLY RATE AS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER.) THIS WAS PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO TRY AND NVCE HIM OF THE MERS OF TTG A PLEBEIAN-SEEMG CHEVROLET EQUOX, ONE OF THE CR-V’S EXCELLENT DOMTIC PETORS, BUT I MA A SE. UNFORTUNATELY, THE EQUOX IS SO WELL REGARD—CHEVROLET IS SELLG EVERY SGLE ONE THEY BUILD—THAT THERE ARE NO PROMOTNS AVAILABLE ON , RENRG LEASE-UNIENDLY, THE PARLANCE. “I N'T BELIEVE I N'T EVEN AFFORD MY STUPID CRAPPY FALL-BACK R!” COL SHOUTED.WE HEAD OUT TO OUR FAL STOP, A VW ALER CENTRAL JERSEY, FEELG A B FEATED. NOT HELPG MATTERS MUCH, I REALIZED A B LATE, WAS THE FACT THAT WE WERE NDUCTG THIS ENTIRE TOUR A $70,000 JAGUAR XF SC, THE LEATHER-LED, ALUMUM-TRIMMED, HIGH-OUTPUT, BOOMGLY-STEREOED, LUBE-SLICK VERSN OF ONE OF MY TOP 5 RS OM 2009. AS WE DROVE THROUGH SUBURBAN HELL, COL RAN HIS HAND LONGGLY OVER THE JAG’S EXQUISE, FRENCH-STCHED, W-HI DASH. “I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A KIA MIVAN OR SOMETHG FOR THIS TRIP,” I OFFERED. HE SIMPLY SIGHED.FORTUNATELY, THE VW ALER DID NOT DISAPPOT. HE FOUND A JETTA SPORTWAGON A LOVELY SHA OF METALLIC NIGHT-SKY BLUE WH ALL THE OPTNS THAT COL ULD REALISTILLY AFFORD—BLUETOOTH NNECTIVY FOR HIS CELL PHONE, A SUNROOF, A CENT STEREO—FOR $0 DOWN (SAVE TAX AND FE), AND A REALISTIC MONTHLY PRICE. HE EVEN OFFERED A CENT AMOUNT OF SH FOR TRA ON THE OLD PASSAT, LIKELY THE RULT OF SOME BRAND-LOYALTY PROGRAM. WILL COL BE HAPPY? BEFORE SIGNG PAPERS HE HAD ME SUR THE INTER FOR EXAMPL OF CLEAN, LOW-EAGE, TWO YEAR-OLD AUDI, MERCES, AND VOLVO WAGONS, SO MY GUS IS, PROBABLY NOT. BUT I’M WILLG TO BET THAT HE’LL BE SATISFIED. AND THE LEASE HE’S SIGNG HAS A SET TERM, ALLOWG A CLEAR END-DATE FOR PG FOR HIS GOAL WAGON.BRETT BERK WR GAILY ABOUT CULTURE, POLICS, AND RS FOR , AND IS THE THOR OF THE GAY UNCLE’S GUI TO PARENTG. VIS HIM AT OR FOLLOW HIM ON TWTER.MOST POPULARVANY FAIR’S “IT’S RAG TEENS” COVER AT 20: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?BY SAVANNAH WALSHREMEMBERG SéAD O’CONNOR’S SUBLIME MIC AND RIGHTEO RAGEBY MIKE HOGANRED, WHE & ROYAL BLUE MAY BE “THE MOST EXPENSIVE B OF FAN FICTN EVER”BY SAVANNAH WALSHBRETT BERK

This week, the Supreme Court saw the light, or at least the apex of the rabow, and granted gay Amerins—at least ferally—the right to dive to the matrimonial abyss. Of urse, rais an obv qutn for , answered here by one of our favore Car Gays—Brett Berk, Vany Fair’s “Stick Shift” lumnist and a equent Car and Driver ntributor—of what to drive to your gay weddg.

THE 10 BT CARS WHICH TO GET GAY-MARRIED

Today’s gays and lbians raise fai jt as they always have but ever creasg, and creasgly open, numbers. Gays love for s name, wh s herent tensn between pursu and achievement.

WHAT GAY AND LBIAN R BUYERS WANT VIEW SLISHOW 1/0SHOW SLI INFORMATN WHAT GAY AND LBIAN R BUYERS WANT

My urban, urbane gay and lbian iends are forever plagug me wh qutns of which r they should buy. Massagg, reclg, air-ndned rear seats; a spectacular sound system; a profligate powerplant; and more than enough exclivy to separate you om the rt of the masspiratnal homosexuals their 7-seri, S-class, and A8s. If were legal, I would gay-marry this r stead of my boyiend.

There is an entire generatn of gays out there, myself clud, whose grandmothers owned one of the.

Eighty-seven percent of profsnal-gra gays and lbians already own the rs, so they might as well drive them to their weddg.

GAY FAY KIA

I would remend Gay Kia to anybodyby 2018 KIA OPTIMA SXL Owner on 07/01/2023Verified ServiceThey did a quick and efficient job. Michael Sam beme the first openly gay player to be drafted when the then-St. Wh the arrival of the full-on enomic meltdown, everyone needs to sle back, even the gays.

Here are five extremely ed—but still pellg—rs you n efully utilize the hard tim to e, one for each of the re homosexual (vehicular) body-typ. It's gay an unrstated, but solidly tasteful kd of way: sual, slow, liltg, but oh so elegant, like your rator, or Bill Blass.

GAY FAY KIA

2) Convertible: 1989-1997 Mazda MiataThe punch le to every straight a-hole's joke about what a gay r looks like, Mazda's morn take on the Brish roadsters of the 60's and 70's is, tth, Gay as Hell. I personally wouldn't be ught ad drivg one public for fear of havg eggs thrown at my face, but the numero private tim I've driven my iends' Miatas I've found them fiendishly fun (and so cute, I jt want to Gay Marry them). They reprent a gay fantasy of some mid-century, Graham Greene, closet-se, Ambassadorial liftyle, wh lots of slim sus, afternoon cktail parti, and cute native pool boys.

4) Tck: 1981-1985 Volkswagen Rabb Diel PickupYou own a gay landspg bs, so you claim that you need a big tck. Get some body lored pat and whe-out the V-O-L-K and E-N on the tailgate, and you have the gayt tck the world: the back of will read S-W-A-G5) Sedan: 1994-1997 Honda AcrdVote For Your Favore Dow-Dropp' Gay Car(polls)Your job's been elimated, your ndo's been foreclosed, and your Acura has been repo-ed. And as soon as you replace the purple neon washer nozzl and boom' ffee n exhst that the kid you bought om stalled, will be a very stealthy vehicle, eful for slippg unr the gaydar of the wdow-smashg neo-fascists who are sure to be on the rise once this prsn really gets some tractn, or the Children of Men-like crowds of angry urban out huntg for seemgly valuable gay prey.

JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU

FIVE GAY CARS FOR THE ENOMIC APOLYPSEBY BRETT BERKOCTOBER 2, 2008SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEWH THE ARRIVAL OF THE FULL-ON ENOMIC MELTDOWN, EVERYONE NEEDS TO SLE BACK, EVEN THE GAYS. BUT CUTTG RNERS DON'T MEAN YOU N'T REMA CHIC. HERE ARE FIVE EXTREMELY ED—BUT STILL PELLG—RS YOU N EFULLY UTILIZE THE HARD TIM TO E, ONE FOR EACH OF THE RE HOMOSEXUAL (VEHICULAR) BODY-TYP.1) WAGON: 1979-1985 MERCES 300TDTHOUGH THE BENZ BOYS HAVE MA OTHER TOURG VEHICL THE HUNDRED OR SO YEARS SCE THEY VENTED THE TOMOBILE, THIS ONE IS THE CLASSIC. IT'S GAY AN UNRSTATED, BUT SOLIDLY TASTEFUL KD OF WAY: SUAL, SLOW, LILTG, BUT OH SO ELEGANT, LIKE YOUR RATOR, OR BILL BLASS. ON THE FISL DOOM SI, THE 300TD IS POWERED BY THE VENERABLE MERCES 5 CYLR DIEL, OFTEN REFERRED TO AS THE MOST DURABLE ENGE EVER CREATED—REGULARLY NNG FOR OVER A HALF-LN —SO THERE'LL BE NONE OF THOSE TROUBLG REPAIR BILLS (AT LEAST ON THIS PONENT). IN ADDN, YOU N EASILY GET THIS POWERPLANT NVERTED TO N ON ED RTRANT GREASE, AND YOU KNOW THAT A DOWN-TURNED AMERIN ENOMY, THERE'S GOG TO BE PLENTY OF CHEAP IED FOOD BEG NSUMED, SO YOU'RE GUARANTEED A STEADY SUPPLY OF FUEL. FALLY, THE REAR SEAT FOLDS DOWN, CREATG A RELATIVELY LARGE SPACE WHERE YOU (AND YOUR DOG, AND MAYBE ONE SMALL IEND) N LIVE.2) CONVERTIBLE: 1989-1997 MAZDA MIATATHE PUNCH LE TO EVERY STRAIGHT A-HOLE'S JOKE ABOUT WHAT A GAY R LOOKS LIKE, MAZDA'S MORN TAKE ON THE BRISH ROADSTERS OF THE 60'S AND 70'S IS, TTH, GAY AS HELL. I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T BE UGHT AD DRIVG ONE PUBLIC FOR FEAR OF HAVG EGGS THROWN AT MY FACE, BUT THE NUMERO PRIVATE TIM I'VE DRIVEN MY IENDS' MIATAS I'VE FOUND THEM FIENDISHLY FUN (AND SO CUTE, I JT WANT TO GAY MARRY THEM). THE FIRST-GENERATN RS ARE TNIER THE CURRENT MOL, SOMEWHAT UNRPOWERED, AND OFTEN A B BEAT UP, BUT TH GREAT DEPRSN-STYLE CHEAP. AND THEY'RE JAPANE-LEVEL RELIABLE, AS LONG AS YOU TAKE RE OF THEM (AND DON'T GET THEM STOLEN BY JOYRIDG TEENS AND FLIPPED TO A OZEN LAKE, WHICH ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ONE OF MY PALS). OKAY, THEY HAVE ONLY TWO SEATS, MAKG THEM NOT EXACTLY FAY-IENDLY, BUT NOW THAT OUR ENOMY'S SPIRALG DOWN THE SHTER, YOU'RE GOG TO NEED TO CUT THAT SURROGATE LOOSE ANYWAY, THIRD TRIMTER OR NOT.MOST POPULARSARA RAMIREZ ISSU STHG RPONSE TO ANTI–CHE DIAZ PROFILEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLDESANTIS BOARD NIX FREE DISNEY PASS AND DISUNTS FOR EMPLOYE, MOVE SURE TO W THE GOVERNOR MAJOR POPULARY POTSBY BS LEV3) SUV: 1981-1991 ISUZU TROOPEREVERYONE KNOWS A FAG WHO'S BOUGHT (OR LTED AFTER) A VTAGE LAND ROVER. THEY REPRENT A GAY FANTASY OF SOME MID-CENTURY, GRAHAM GREENE, CLOSET-SE, AMBASSADORIAL LIFTYLE, WH LOTS OF SLIM SUS, AFTERNOON CKTAIL PARTI, AND CUTE NATIVE POOL BOYS. BUT WHILE THE LAND ROVERS ARE DURABLE ENOUGH TO TREK ACROSS AIN SERTS, OR BE ED AS THE LEAD VEHICLE A TRIBAL WARLORD PARA, THEY'RE BY NECSY HEAVY AND OVERBUILT, RENRG THEM EFFICIENT FOR OUR UGAL TIM. FORTUNATELY, I'VE FOUND A VIABLE SUBSTUTE. BUILT BIG AND UPRIGHT LIKE A CLASSIC BRISH SAFARI VEHICLE, BUT WH A TY UNRPOWERED FOUR-CYLR ENGE AND A WHG MANUAL TRANSMISSN, THIS IS THE FIRST GENERATN ISUZU TROOPER. MORE A POOR-MAN'S TOYOTA LAND CISER THAN A BUDGET LAND ROVER, THE TROOPER LIV UP TO S NAME,(AS LONG AS YOU DON'T LET TOUCH ROAD SALT; IF YOU DO, START UNTG BACKWARDS OM ONE AND WATCH DISSOLVE). ON THE BIG-TIME PL SI, WAS ONE OF THE FEW VEHICL EVER TO E EQUIPPED WH AN ALTIMETER—THAT'S A VICE THAT TELLS YOU HOW HIGH YOU ARE ABOVE SEA LEVEL—A FEATURE WHICH WILL E PECIALLY HANDY DURG THE NEXT IMPENDG GLOBAL TASTROPHIC EVENT: RISG TIS.MOST POPULARSARA RAMIREZ ISSU STHG RPONSE TO ANTI–CHE DIAZ PROFILEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLDESANTIS BOARD NIX FREE DISNEY PASS AND DISUNTS FOR EMPLOYE, MOVE SURE TO W THE GOVERNOR MAJOR POPULARY POTSBY BS LEV4) TCK: 1981-1985 VOLKSWAGEN RABB DIEL PICKUPYOU OWN A GAY LANDSPG BS, SO YOU CLAIM THAT YOU NEED A BIG TCK. BUT HOW MUCH (AHEM) EQUIPMENT ARE YOU ACTUALLY PACKG? A MOWER, A WEED-WHACKER, SOME CLIPPERS, A FEW HAND TOOLS, A BLOWER, AND TWO OR THREE PAIRS OF NAIL SCISSORS? WELL, 'S CNCH-TIME, SISTER. TIME TO TAKE THE LOSS ON YOUR RAM HEMI. FORTUNATELY, THE ENOMY'S LLAPSE CIS WH THE END OF GRASS-GROWG SEASON, SO THE ONLY THG YOU NEED TO CUT IS YOUR FUEL BILL. THANKFULLY, YOU N PICK UP ONE OF THE FOR ABOUT WHAT ALERS WILL BE OFFERG YOU FOR YOUR GAS-SWILLG, YEAR-OLD QUAD-CAB: A VOLKSWAGEN RABB DIEL PICKUP. THIS LTLE BABY IS ENOMY CLASS ALL THE WAY: HAS ONLY ENOUGH ROOM SI FOR YOU AND YOUR RRY-ONS, IS STRICTLY B.Y.O.E. (BRG YOUR OWN EVERYTHG), AND WILL S THREE ACROSS ONLY IF SOMEONE IS SI THE GUY THE CENTER POSN. BUT GETS ABOUT 45 M.P.G., LOOKS WEIRDLY STYLISH, AND HAS A FULLY FUNCTNAL RGO BED. I KNOW: 'S GERMAN. BUT, FORTUNATELY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TO GIVE YOUR PK DOLLARS TO THE VENTORS OF THE PK TRIANGLE, THIS PARTICULAR VEE-DUB WAS BUILT A DOMTIC PLANT PENNSYLVANIA. GET SOME BODY LORED PAT AND WHE-OUT THE V-O-L-K AND E-N ON THE TAILGATE, AND YOU HAVE THE GAYT TCK THE WORLD: THE BACK OF WILL READ S-W-A-G5) SEDAN: 1994-1997 HONDA ACRDVOTE FOR YOUR FAVORE DOW-DROPP' GAY CAR(POLLS)YOUR JOB'S BEEN ELIMATED, YOUR NDO'S BEEN FORECLOSED, AND YOUR ACURA HAS BEEN REPO-ED. YOUR BOYIEND LEFT YOU FOR SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DARE ASK HIM TO ENOMIZE BY SUBSTUTG SMIRNOFF FOR BELVERE. YOUR CLOST IENDS ARE RIDG THGS OUT AN OFF-THE-GRID MODULAR DOWN BELIZE. LEAVG YOU WH NOTHG BUT A SCHLE OF MOR SMETIC PROCR TO ANIZE YOUR DAYS. AND YOU HAVE TO GET TO THEM SOMEHOW (YOU'RE NOT GOG TO LET KASIA, G, AND D'REE DOWN THIS TIME OF CRISIS). SO, YOU BUY ONE OF THE: A LATE MOL HONDA ACRD. IT'S STILL GOT THE "CHET" OF BEG JAPANE. IT'S EFFICIENT AND PENDABLE. AND AS SOON AS YOU REPLACE THE PURPLE NEON WASHER NOZZL AND BOOM' FFEE N EXHST THAT THE KID YOU BOUGHT OM STALLED, WILL BE A VERY STEALTHY VEHICLE, EFUL FOR SLIPPG UNR THE GAYDAR OF THE WDOW-SMASHG NEO-FASCISTS WHO ARE SURE TO BE ON THE RISE ONCE THIS PRSN REALLY GETS SOME TRACTN, OR THE CHILDREN OF MEN-LIKE CROWDS OF ANGRY URBAN OUT HUNTG FOR SEEMGLY VALUABLE GAY PREY.BRETT BERK

JAGUARS ASSOCIATE STRENGTH ACH OUT AS GAY A FIRST FOR US-BASED PRO LEAGU