When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• ‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe? Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men. In our culture, we intify ourselv via a sexual-attractn bary: gay or straight. Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Many straight women married to gay men nscly choose to do so wh their ey wi open. There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. ” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?

Both the gay man and the straight spoe share the risk of stayg married. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way.

Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet. This will happen even if, or maybe I should say pecially if, he is nial about his gayns. If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know.

Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married. They often don’t know their inty is gay when they first e to see me.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

He may fear that if he adms he is gay, she will leave him.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife?

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. He’s also always been hont about beg gay and has never hidn om me. Our son took the news very well and don’t re that his father was gay.

I’ve asked my hband about , and he nfirms that he’s gay, not bisexual. I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

‘I FELL LOVE WH A GAY MAN AND NEARLY BROKE ME’

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). ” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife. If you are gay and you are love wh a straight person, there is nothg you n really do.

But do really make a difference if they are straight or gay, if at the end of the day they are someone who is not attracted to you? Those lov are like fallg love wh a teacher, or a straight fallg love wh a gay, or fallg love wh a married person, or fallg love wh a sger or an actor. But you need to know that if the person dont want to do somethg wh you, you need to pass no matter have to rpect that the person you like is straight jt like how he rpect and accept you beg Gay.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

I uldn’t say was bee he was gay, ” said the Davidson, om Sydney, says she’s not the first straight woman to fall for a gay bloke. People ask, uldn’t we tell we were fallg lovg wh a gay man? But both refer to the same thg — straight women who have strong, often highly tense and mutually supportive, relatnships wh gay men.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

The days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant. “So many women have acted as protectors, cheerlears and supporters of their gay iends, but always the background, ” Ms Davidson says.

“Straight alli, and particularly women, are a val part of the fight for gay rights. Her grandmother was a “beard”, or fake girliend, to gay men she was close to; while her mother helped when the muny was beg vastated by AIDS.

“I’d been raised a fay wh lots of gay men so I should have known better than anyone (not to fall love wh one), ” Ms Davidson says. “I know a woman who was a relatnship for 17 years before he me out as gay.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

”Most of the time a gay bt iend might be obliv if his female iend has fallen for him. “The wonrful thg about gay men is they talk to me like I’m a person bee they don’t want to get your knickers. ”Ms Davidson says straight men uld learn a thg or two om their gay brothers.

In many ways, gay men and straight women are a perfect pairg. For the most part, relatnships between gay men and straight women are healthy and posive, wh one exceptn I'll get to later.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

In the vast majory of s, relatnships between gay men and straight women are platonic. Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire.