Straight Women and Their Gay Hbands | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

But I certaly didn’t want to marry a gay man. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. There were issu wh him om the start, but nothg to make me thk that he might be gay.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

I thought, “How uld he be gay? Gay men have gaydar.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

The bottom le is, he was actively gay. Beg gay back then was really hard.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I had a lot of gay iends California. On the east ast where we were, beg gay was still really hidn.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

There were a lot of obstacl to beg gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. So even though Robert lied to me about beg gay, I did unrstand why he did .

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. That’s how is for gay men straight marriag.

He was also very homophobic, makg fun of effemate men. Over the years, I’ve found that a lot of gay men do that. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

And if you’re not gay, why do you re about ? Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg.

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. I really thought that people n choose to be straight or gay. I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to .

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. My Hband’s Not Gay, a show on TLC, has ed an uproar. Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe?

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this. People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men. In our culture, we intify ourselv via a sexual-attractn bary: gay or straight.

WHY DO GAY MEN MARRY WOMEN: A COMPREHENSIVE EXPLANATN

Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children. Many straight women married to gay men nscly choose to do so wh their ey wi open. There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.