Dear Pnce: I’m a straight woman who married a gay man.

Contents:

• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WHY I STAYED MARRIED TO MY GAY HBAND: I WAS MTED AS MUCH TO THE LIFTYLE AS TO THE MAN HIMSELF
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

He’s also always been hont about beg gay and has never hidn om me. Our son took the news very well and don’t re that his father was gay. I’ve asked my hband about , and he nfirms that he’s gay, not bisexual.

I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. Would you nsir him bisexual or gay?

I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). ” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife.

"It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn.

At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women. That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office. Bee I've lived are so many obv qutns for a wife like me: Didn't I realize he was gay?

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy. I didn't thk there was anythg wrong wh beg gay—I have an openly gay .

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date.

Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me aga, sayg, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay.

WHY I STAYED MARRIED TO MY GAY HBAND: I WAS MTED AS MUCH TO THE LIFTYLE AS TO THE MAN HIMSELF

" In fact, I had heard other stunts say that everyone his aterny was gay. But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did. Bis, he'd taken a girl—me—out on a date, so how uld he be gay?

At a party wh his work iends, I got to an argument wh a woman who'd been drkg, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my hband's not gay. Later that eveng, when I told Chris what happened, he remd me that he'd always been teased about beg gay, but he assured me, "It's not te. He beme fensive and announced, "I haven't gone to bed wh anybody, but I've been gog to gay bars.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he uld be fired. As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age. Beg gay would not only endanger his job and fay life, uld also st him his relatnship wh his parents, his church and God.

Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay. The therapist told Chris that he'd have to stop gog to gay bars, and we tried, aga, to start ah. It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man.

I also learned that a surprisg number of gays the ary are married bee marriage is such a eful ont.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian.

One night, a rage, he lled my parents and told them, "I'm gay and I've been gog out wh men, but she's screwg around wh another guy. In the town I'm om, leavg a homosexual hband was too sndalo.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

My mother even suggted that I try different thgs sexually to keep Chris terted and mentned that Chris uld take meditn to weaken his onI often joke about wrg a book lled The Girliend's Gui to NOT Marryg a Gay Man, bee I should have tsted my stcts om the start.

I see now that many gay spo genuely believe they are dog the right thg by gettg married, bee they are lyg to themselv more than soul mate and I got married the year after our divorc beme fal, when I was 34.

Marryg a gay man pletely rhaped my life and altered some arly held valu ways I'd never planned. I am livg proof that you n be relig and nservative yet also re for, and even get along wh, a gay former spoe. I have marched for gay rights and spoken about my experience to groups of gay fathers, bee I believe was tolerance and the fear of homosexualy that put me and my fay through plete hell—and I hope none of that was va.