Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• ‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns. They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

To be gay is to be powerls, weak, unable to break ee om Mommy, and the characteristics are patible wh real manls. Inially, the assertn that homophobia plays center stage men's mascule self-ncept may seem rather extreme.

" "That's so gay. A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man.

‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD

Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy. He would ll gay people nam and stuff.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood. Fathers too were raised to not only look down upon homosexualy, but to fear themselv. Th havg a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe is an dictment of his own masculy.

FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA

When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other?

" Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls. Neverthels, is important to regnize that father-son antagonism uld be particularly woundg for a gay man. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers).

When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son. Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance. Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships.