John Benjam Hickey on 'In Treatment,' 'Sublet,' and Beg a 'Gay Elr'</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="John Benjam Hickey on 'In Treatment,' 'Sublet,' and Beg a 'Gay Elr'" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="As the character actor thriv his 50s, he's playg a type of character we've rarely seen: a gay man who survived long enough to enjoy gettg olr." /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="John Benjam Hickey Is Still Figurg Out What It Means to Be an ‘Elr’" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="As the character actor thriv his 50s, he's playg a type of character we've rarely seen: a gay man who survived long enough to enjoy gettg olr." /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="TV" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-11-01T23:56:11Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2021-06-30T23:11:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="It’s the Friday of what, a normal year, would be Pri Weekend John Benjam Hickey’s adopted home of New York Cy. This year, there’s no para, no dance on the Chelsea Piers, no big official events sponsored by Absolut Vodka and T Mobile like we’ve had sce the" /><meta name="" ntent="entertament,Entertament,tv,TV" /><meta name="" ntent="2021-06-30 23:11:00" /><meta name="sailth.socialtle" ntent="John Benjam Hickey Is Still Figurg Out What It Means to Be an ‘Elr’" /><meta name="ntenttype" ntent="standard-article" /><meta id="m1" name="m1" emProp="cssSelector " ntent=".ntent-hed" /><meta id="m2" name="m2" emProp="cssSelector" ntent=".ntent-k p" /><lk href="/" emSpe emType=" emRef="m1 m2" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><lk rel="prefetch" href="" as="image" /><lk rel="preload" as="image" image-src-set=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" image-siz="100vw" /><meta name="next-head-unt" ntent="48" /><meta name="next-font-prennect" /><script id="vice-tect" data-nscript="beforeInteractive">(()=>{nst o="ontouchstart" 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href="/entertament/tv/a36894026/john-benjam-hickey-pri-terview/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="John Benjam Hickey Is Still Figurg Out What It Means to Be an ‘Elr’" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">John Benjam Hickey Is Still Figurg Out What It Means to Be an ‘Elr’</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>John Benjam Hickey Is Still Figurg Out What It Means to Be an ‘Elr’<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>As the character actor thriv his 50s, he's playg a type of character we've rarely seen: a gay man who survived long enough to enjoy gettg olr.</p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 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trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="john benjam hickey" tle="john benjam hickey" width="2000" height="1000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Courty</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">It’s the Friday of what, a normal year, would be Pri Weekend John Benjam Hickey’s adopted home of New York Cy. This year, there’s no para, no dance on the Chelsea Piers, no big official events sponsored by Absolut Vodka and T Mobile like we’ve had sce the ‘90s. Instead, ’s an unanized cy-wi party; people n mix aga, bars have reopened, Brney seems tantalizgly close to beg eed, the mood is celebratory even if thgs are not yet normal. But Hickey’s stickg wh his Pri tradn: stayg largely out of the way. “The cy is thumpg and ragg back to life. It’s madns,” he lghs. “I’m very out, loud and proud, but I’ll let the kids have all the fun.” </p><style data-emotn="css 7ud">{width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;}}</style><div data-embed="loop" data-no-id="1" class="css-7ud e1a0jkxd0"><style data-emotn="css 8atqhb">{width:100%;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1e3dj7m">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row-reverse;-ms-flex-directn:row-reverse;flex-directn:row-reverse;-webk-align-ems:flex-end;-webk-box-align:flex-end;-ms-flex-align:flex-end;align-ems:flex-end;posn:relative;width:100%;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;} {visibily:hidn;opacy:0;-webk-transn:visibily 0s .3s,opacy .3s lear;transn:visibily 0s .3s,opacy .3s lear;}</style><div class="align-right size-large embed e1a0jkxd1 css-1e3dj7m ejku7p04"><style data-emotn="css 5mi43p">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:100%;width:100%;}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-5mi43p e6l0f0"><img src=" alt="Image no longer available" tle="Image no longer available" width="100%" height="to" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" /></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="2" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">While nng wild a post-panmic New York Cy sounds like a good time, ’s hard to image anythg more enjoyable for an actor like Hickey than the summer he’s havg. In mid-life, well-tablished as a character actor, this month he has two major leadg rol, back to back: the die drama <em>Sublet</em>, and as one of Uzo Aduba’s patients season four of HBO’s <em>In Treatment</em>. They’re two que different rol, but they put Hickey ont and center a way we have not yet seen him on screen. Three s to a brilliant reer, John Benjam Hickey is havg a moment. </p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“It’s so weird,” he says. And ed, if not for Covid, the timg might not have been que the same. “I did <em>Sublet</em> Israel two years ago, and <em>In Treatment</em> last wter this crazy lockdown bubble. The fact that they me out at once and people are reactg to both of them is a weird nfluence of events. An embarrassment of rich, whatever that exprsn is.” </p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In six episos of <em>In Treatment</em>, Hickey plays Col, a whe-llar crimal fulfillg his urt-mandated therapy ssns after four years prison. Col thks he’s one of the good guys. “I’m so lucky to get to play such a son of a bch,” Hickey says. “A straight, whe, cis male who, bee he was born and raised on a untercultural hippie mune, nsirs himself very woke.” Instead, havg to bare his soul to a Black female therapist brgs up some issu. “It touch all of this unspoken, valier misogyny, homophobia, racism, all the stuff that’s jt unr the surface that’s so sry and toxic.” Hickey risted playg him as a villa: “Part of the problem is that we all objectify each other by lor, by genr, by sexual inty. Some of work our ass off to be better, but this is a guy who thks he walks the walk, and he don’t, and ’s revealed to him over the six episos a way that’s really shockg and fun.” </p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A show like this, wh s long two-person scen that he scrib as “bullfights,” was as close to theater as he’s been on a set: 28 pag of dialogue to memorize and get through each day. A challenge, even if he hadn’t still been alg wh ridual bra fog om a mid-2020 se of Covid. But he relaxed and remd himself that he was prepared. “It was the first time I realized that my experience was my iend. Bee of my experience theater, I knew what to do to get ready to play the part. I knew how to be able to go to work at 6am, and be able to shoot all of my stuff one day.” He lghs. “Now, I didn’t know how to not suck at .”<br /></p><style data-emotn="css 1736von">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="6" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="john benjam hickey" tle="john benjam hickey" loadg="lazy" width="2165" height="1367" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css swqnqv">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 8h7i7x">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;letter-spacg:0.02rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">John Benjam Hickey on the set of <em>Sublet</em>.</div><style data-emotn="css 1am3yn9">{paddg-left:0rem;le-height:1;}</style><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Courty</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In his first episo, Aduba’s Brooke tells Hickey’s Col that most of her new patients e “ready to talk,” to which he repli, “Ah, but beg <em>ready</em> to talk and beg <em>able</em> to talk are two different thgs.” <em>Sublet</em>, om Eytan Fox, director of <em>Yossi</em> and <em>Yossi & Jagger</em>, is a film that is ready and able to talk. Hickey plays Michael, a melancholy travel wrer on assignment Tel Aviv, who rents the apartment of Tomer, a film stunt played by Niv Nissim, who shows him the cy. It’s a very clever queerg of the <em>Unr The Tn Sun</em> space—an exploratn of what Hickey lls “a generatnal divi that two broken-hearted people exist on oppose sis of.” Michael is “ a middle-aged malaise, havg had tragedy his life,” Hickey says, “and then also havg lived through what my character’s generatn–and me, and you–have lived through.” </p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">One of the film’s many surpris is that tak that malaise straight on. Michael is not fightg for his survival the way he would have been not long ago; the pills we see him take, which would almost certaly have been HIV meditn for any middle-aged gay character up to this pot, might jt be stats. The qutn for this fifty-somethg character, for what feels like the first time on screen, is not “will he live,” but “<em>how</em> will he live?”</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It’s a qutn Hickey’s thought a lot about. For the gay men of Generatn X, “’s like we’re no longer livg a war zone. That’s not to say that the lamy of AIDS is over, we still have to live wh utn and pnce. It’s jt manageable now. But g out of the nuclear crisis of that time, not livg a time when we’re fightg for our liv and our right to s at the table, you get to our ag, and you’re faced wh an existential crisis. Like, <em>what now?”</em></p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In the theater, Hickey’s had a chance to explore the qutns at length. “I’m a beneficiary of a good number of wrers who are medatg on that,” he says. He starred “The Inherance” on Broadway, a vast, two-part play that addrsed the post-AIDS crisis generatn gap, and 2015’s off- Broadway “Dada Woof Papa Hot,” he played a gay father wh a se of survivor’s guilt. “My character had a monologue where he said: this is gog to sound horrible, but I miss that time. We were more alive on the pla, we were so different om other people, and we had a sgle, laser foc, which was to stay alive and to save our brothers and sisters.” </p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Hickey don’t miss that time. But the qutn still troubl him: “If I have all the same thgs as a straight person, if my problems are the same as theirs, then what mak me gay? Michael <em>Sublet</em> is sufferg through that. I’m not sure he knows what he’s supposed to be livg for. It’s 30-somethg years after the worst part of the lamy, and here he is, and he’s thkg about havg children. He’s dog the unthkable.”</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It's uncharted terrory, on screen and off. The first generatn of gay men to live their liv openly lost those liv to AIDS, whether they actually died or were jt left to tend to those who did. And we, the generatn right behd, lost our elrs. If we’re mired this existential malaise, ’s bee we haven’t had anyone to show the way out. </p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">“I don’t want to rce to this, but this whole <em>daddy</em> thg. Or is <em>zaddy?” </em>he asks, and beats the hell out of me. “We didn’t have that vernacular, that subset of attractn, bee for that olr generatn, there was such a stggle gog on for them to survive. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they were <em>untouchable</em>, but they were alg wh somethg that was very clear and prent, a way that the younger generatns lookg up at now don’t see dog.”</p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="14" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt=" treatment" tle=" treatment" loadg="lazy" width="1584" height="1054" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Courty</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I tell John about <style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="my nversatn wh T.J. Osborne—" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">my nversatn wh T.J. Osborne—</a>how he’d ially said beg gay wasn’t the most important thg about him; how he’s begng to realize actually might be; and how I’m startg to realize we say that to make ourselv seem ls threateng. He rrects me: “<em>We say that orr to survive.</em>” Hickey’s been out of the closet om the jump, and his openns didn’t e whout a st. “I me out at a time where agents and producers were like: ‘Better be reful, you played a gay part last year, don’t do that aga for a while.’ It’s not like I was le to be Brad Pt, I was a character actor, but still.” </p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He rells somethg brilliant he heard of someone sayg. He’s not sure whether was Tony Khner, but feels safe to attribute somethg brilliant to Tony Khner. “Somebody was talkg to him. Someone who had chosen not to e out, and this person said ‘I choose not to talk about my personal life.’ And Tony said ‘Beg gay is not your personal life. Beg gay is who you are.’” </p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I have to ask: if he’s thought about what mak him gay, what has he e up wh? He thks on for a long send, and then spills , “My dogs. I’m a kid om a small town Texas, so I thought ‘I have to get a big dog, I need a <em>guy dog</em>.’ I n’t believe I’m admtg this. And of urse I end up wh two ltle terrier mutts, 10 and 13 pounds.” He shak his head. “I don’t know what a gay dog is, but the are not the giant mangy straight-guy dogs I thought I was supposed to get.”</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It’s funny, and he knows is, but that don’t mean he’s kiddg. “I rry that. I still rry that.”</p><style data-emotn="css 1oaqclt">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;text-align:center;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><h2 data-no-id="19" class="body-h4 css-1oaqclt et3p2gv0"><strong>Get unlimed accs to + a prt subscriptn wh <a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Esquire Select" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">Esquire Select</a>.</strong></h2><p data-no-id="20" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Generatn X is left largely alone to figure out what gay middle age looks like, and to mol what after, the first generatn to do so en masse and openly. And maybe the generatns behd are cled to listen. “One of the wonrful surpris of this time my life is that a iend of me rented a place on Fire Island,” the legendary gay beach paradise on Long Island. “I’d never really gone there. It felt like a place where you’d wear a Speedo, and I didn’t feel like I’d be good at that.” </p><p data-no-id="21" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">But now, this stage of life, “It’s Heaven. It’s the most egalarian place. It’s like a Grateful Dead show. It’s all shap and siz, all ag. And I thk for the younger generatn, there’s a love and appreciatn for those who survived and are still there. It’s palpable and eply movg, and... <em>sexy</em> is the wrong word, but jt filled wh emotn.”</p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Not that he feels like he should be on the receivg end of this level of sexy rpect. “When I’m characterized as an elr, or anyone to me for advice, my first thg I thk is, <em>a, I don’t thk I’m old, and b, I lerally don’t know anythg about anythg</em>.” </p><p data-no-id="23" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Don’t believe . He’s been a journeyman for three s, and now, his <em>zaddy</em> years, he’s havg a moment. John Benjam Hickey knows exactly what he’s dog.</p><style data-emotn="css 2ok9l4">{marg-top:1.875rem;borr-top:th solid #595959;}</style><div data-jam-id="thor-b" class="css-2ok9l4 e13rjwo40"><style data-emotn="css f0b5z8">{display:grid;grid-template-lumns:to 1;grid-lumn-gap:0.625rem;paddg-top:1.25rem;paddg-bottom:1.25rem;clear:both;}</style><div class="css-f0b5z8 e19xk9rq8"><style data-emotn="css irehmq">{borr-radi:50%;height:60px;width:60px;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{width:40px;height:40px;}}</style><span class="css-irehmq e19xk9rq1"><style data-emotn="css o0wq4v">{width:100%;height:100%;borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Dave Holm" tle="Headshot of Dave Holm" width="100%" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" class="css-o0wq4v e19xk9rq3" /></span><div><style data-emotn="css 3sqxrq">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;grid-gap:4px;-webk-align-ems:basele;-webk-box-align:basele;-ms-flex-align:basele;align-ems:basele;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;}</style><div class="css-3sqxrq e19xk9rq7"><span class="css-0 e19xk9rq5"><style data-emotn="css 1yunoig">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><style data-emotn="css 1kgdfad">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;text-transform:upperse;lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-lor:her;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/9774/dave-holm/" class="e1c1bym13 css-1kgdfad e1c1bym14"><span>Dave Holm</span></a></span></div><style data-emotn="css pqlu">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-top:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><div class="css-pqlu e19xk9rq6">Edor-at-Large</div><style data-emotn="css 8u8x58">{display:-webk-box;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;overflow:hidn;paddg-top:0.3125rem;-webk-box-orient:vertil;-webk-le-clamp:5;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{-webk-le-clamp:10;}}>*{display:le;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;} p{marg:0rem;} p a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;} p a:hover{text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-8u8x58 e19xk9rq4"><p>Dave Holm is Esquire's L.A.-based edor-at-large. His first book, "Party of One," is out now. </p></div></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css hi6ssp">{display:block;grid-area:article_body;grid-lumn:article_body-start/article_body-end;grid-row:to;jtify-self:center;marg:1.25rem 0 0;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(max-width: 30rem){{width:100%;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{m-height:28rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:488px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:612px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{max-width:40.25rem;}}</style><div class="css-hi6ssp eg8z2o92"></div></div></div></div><div></div><style data-emotn="css 6b9rfj">{display:block;-webk-flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-ms-flex-preferred-size:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);flex-basis:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);-webk-box-flex:0;-webk-flex-grow:0;-ms-flex-posive:0;flex-grow:0;-webk-flex-shrk:0;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrk:0;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="no-prt css-6b9rfj ewisyje1"><div><style data-emotn="css 1tuodqg">{width:330px;paddg-left:30px;}</style><div id="ad-article-rail-flt-wrapper" class="vertil-ad css-1tuodqg eqm02p30"><style data-emotn="css w0cuw4">{display:block;posn:-webk-sticky;posn:sticky;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:none;}}</style><div class="vertilAdSticky css-w0cuw4 eqm02p32"><style data-emotn="css 9fasmy">{m-height:523px;top:5rem;}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:jtify;-webk-jtify-ntent:space-between;jtify-ntent:space-between;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{m-height:138px;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{ntent:"";display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;borr-bottom:th solid #E8E8E8;}}</style><div class="standard-article-vertil-ad css-9fasmy eqm02p31"><style data-emotn="css 14b96eg">{m-width:18.75rem;text-align:center;}</style><div id="gpt-ad-vertil-top" class="ad-ntaer css-14b96eg e1hka4w80"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-un61 e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css b3y6x">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;} {posn:absolute;marg:0rem;}{ntent:"";display:block;height:0rem;width:100%;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.16) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 30rem) and (max-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.43) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((33% / 1.40) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.36) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.46) + 20px + 1.66em);}}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-b3y6x e6l0f0"><style data-emotn="css 1yu8e3d">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;height:100%;} .__rp-ntaer{height:to;}</style><div data-embed="embed-vio" class="vio-player css-1yu8e3d e1ou1fny0"><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css w2pm9t">{background-lor:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4);borr:.1875rem solid whe;borr-radi:50%;lor:#fff;cursor:poter;height:3.75rem;left:50%;posn:absolute;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-webk-transn:all 0.4s;transn:all 0.4s;width:3.75rem;z-x:1;}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {background-lor:rgba(33, 150, 245, 0.8);lor:#ffffff;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{top:26%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{top:29.5%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{top:32.5%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{top:34.5%;height:5.625rem;width:5.625rem;borr:.28125rem solid whe;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{top:35%;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{top:35.8%;}}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-w2pm9t e1f7ylgd1"><style data-emotn="css 1lhf7lq">{fill:#ffffff;height:1.4rem;vertil-align:middle;width:1.45rem;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:2.3125rem;height:3rem;}}</style><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" role="img" tle="Play" class="css-1lhf7lq e1f7ylgd2"><tle>play in

john is a gay man now