Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today Canada

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?
• FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA
• IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?
• 'DAD, I'M GAY': BOOK EXPLOR THE OFTEN CHALLENGG RELATNSHIP OF GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS
• FATHER AND SON MARRY: A GAY MAN HAS MARRIED HIS ADOPTED SON IN PENNSYLVANIA
• SAME-SEX MARRIAGE: HOW A FATHER AND GAY SON PED WH TENSE SSM BATE
• A COMPLITED LOVE: A STRAIGHT FATHER, A GAY SON AND LSONS FROM A ROAD TRIP PAPERBACK – DECEMBER 24, 2020
• COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns.

They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

To be gay is to be powerls, weak, unable to break ee om Mommy, and the characteristics are patible wh real manls.

Inially, the assertn that homophobia plays center stage men's mascule self-ncept may seem rather extreme. " "That's so gay.

A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

He would ll gay people nam and stuff. We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

Fathers too were raised to not only look down upon homosexualy, but to fear themselv. Th havg a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe is an dictment of his own masculy.

GAY MEN AND THEIR MOTHERS: IS THERE A SPECIAL CLOSENS?

When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other?

FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA

" Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls. Neverthels, is important to regnize that father-son antagonism uld be particularly woundg for a gay man. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers).

When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son.

Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance.

IS YOUR DAD GAY—OR ARE YOU A GAY DAD?

Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships. If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future.

For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships. Armed wh this sight, gay men n then make more rmed choic about how to teract wh the men their liv. Fathers who love their gay sons need to unrstand the unique role they play their son's self-teem and future relatnships.

'DAD, I'M GAY': BOOK EXPLOR THE OFTEN CHALLENGG RELATNSHIP OF GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man. Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt.

FATHER AND SON MARRY: A GAY MAN HAS MARRIED HIS ADOPTED SON IN PENNSYLVANIA

Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love. And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of gay men out there watchg that relatnship too—wh tears of gratu, envy, and longg.

Is the distant relatnship of fathers and homosexual sons related to the sons' erotic preference for male partners, or to the sons' atypil genr inty, or to both? J Homosex.

Study 1 pared the retrospectively reported father-son relatnships of four groups of adult mal: (a) Gynephil (mal who erotilly prefer physilly mature femal), (b) androphil (who prefer physilly mature mal), (c) a bed group of heterosexual pedophil and pedohebephil (the latter beg attracted to pubcent as well as prepubcent femal), and (d) a bed group of homosexual pedophil and pedohebephil (the latter attracted to pubcent as well as prepubcent mal).

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE: HOW A FATHER AND GAY SON PED WH TENSE SSM BATE

The homosexual pedo/pedohebephil, who also prefer male partners but who exhib typil male genr inty childhood, did not differ father-son relatns om the gynephil or the heterosexual pedo/pedohebephil. Feme genr inty and physil aggrsivens heterosexual and homosexual pedophil. The proportns of heterosexual and homosexual pedophil among sex offenrs agast children: an exploratory study.

Gay fathers: a review of the lerature. Homosexual inty: a ncept need of fn. Retrospectively measured dividual differenc childhood sex-typed behavr among gay men: rrponnce between self- and maternal reports.

My dad knew he was gay at age 16, but he did what he thought he was supposed to: He married a woman and had children. Once he uld live openly as a gay man, his anger dissipated, but also unvered a well of emotns he had supprsed for years.

A COMPLITED LOVE: A STRAIGHT FATHER, A GAY SON AND LSONS FROM A ROAD TRIP PAPERBACK – DECEMBER 24, 2020

He was a gay man a society that did not approve of his sexualy. He was raisg a teenage girl—hard enough on s own, but most gay men were not fathers. I never felt the need to five my father for beg gay.

COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS

Clton, MarylandThey are the first both their fai to bee gay fathers, and received a warm wele to parenthood.

Asbury Park, New JerseyThe most stunng takeaway om photographg gay dads is the equaly of their partnership while raisg their children. Brooklyn, New YorkWhile makg Dads I was surprised to fd out how many gay sgle dads there are creatg their fay through adoptn or surrogacy.