Moby Opens Up About Panic Attacks, Suici, and His New Book</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Moby Opens Up About Panic Attacks, Suici, and His New Book" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Mic legend Moby discs his reer followg his h album, Play, his suici attempt, and s-long procs of reverg om alholism and panic attacks." /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/menshealth/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Men's Health" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="128455567236258" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@MensHealthMag" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="KD2AYNrwYjrNCwZthxgElsAAkSgJhWPxx3FkmjgfPt0" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="Moby Opens Up About His Suici Attempt and Livg Wh a Panic Disorr" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent=""I was lonely and sad and sick and dnk and high . . . I wanted to die."" /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/menshealth/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="never" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Health" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-11-02T01:08:27Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2019-05-10T18:44:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="In October of 2008, Richard Melville, known to old iends and ravg fans and sour crics simply as “Moby,” the 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data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/health/a27337138/moby-panic-attacks-suici-book/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="How Moby Got Famo, H Rock Bottom, and (Ultimately) Found Remptn" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">How Moby Got Famo, H Rock Bottom, and (Ultimately) Found Remptn</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css sgwfvb">{font-fay:GraphikConnsed,GraphikConnsed-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:3rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.75rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.75rem;le-height:1.1;}} em, i{paddg-right:0.3125rem;}</style><h1 class="css-sgwfvb exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>How Moby Got Famo, H Rock Bottom, and (Ultimately) Found Remptn<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css gpc83z">{lor:#595959;font-fay:GraphikBold,GraphikBold-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;text-align:center;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.125rem;le-height:1.2;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#d2232e;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-gpc83z exadjwu8"><p>Mic legend Moby opens up about his suici attempt and his battle wh a panic disorr.</p></div><style data-emotn="css 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1rxc7sd">{lor:#6F6F6F;display:le;font-fay:GraphikBold,GraphikBold-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;letter-spacg:0.03rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.71434rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.72308rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><span class="css-1rxc7sd ehvvd9m1"><style data-emotn="css 1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Joshua St. Clair" tle="Headshot of Joshua St. Clair" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 1nlla76">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#d2232e;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="/thor/218034/joshua-st-clair/" class="css-1nlla76 e1c1bym14">Joshua St. Clair</a></span><style data-emotn="css w0ebia">{display:le-block;text-transform:upperse;marg-left:0.625rem;}</style><time class="css-w0ebia exadjwu6">Published: May 10, 2019</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 1ws6gao">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;background-lor:#d2232e;borr:th solid 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.e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(-1 * 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc((100vw - (lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 2 * 1rem)) / -2);}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / -2) - 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 2);max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 + 1rem)) / -2) - lc(2 * 1rem));}[data-has-sponsor] {marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);marg-right:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);}}</style><div class="standard-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-7ce51e ewisyje3"><style data-emotn="css trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="Whe, Photograph, Black, Black-and-whe, Monochrome, Glass, Monochrome photography, Eyewear, Snapshot, Su, " tle="Whe, Photograph, Black, Black-and-whe, Monochrome, Glass, Monochrome photography, Eyewear, Snapshot, Su, " width="5760" height="3588" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 11z3u4d">{lor:#6F6F6F;font-fay:GraphikBold,GraphikBold-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;letter-spacg:0.03rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.71434rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.72308rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css z6i669">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-z6i669 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In October of 2008, Richard Melville, known to old iends and ravg fans and sour crics simply as “Moby,” the transformative and ntroversial artist who hered electronic dance mic to the mastream and played across the world, put a plastic bag over his head, fastened wh a belt, and closed his ey. He'd been thkg about ath for years, wakg up every day disappoted that he hadn’t died his sleep. He envied and rented Heath Ledger, someone who <em>had, </em>that year, died his sleep. But that morng, after wanrg through his Mott Street apartment New York, cryg and repeatg to himself, “I jt want do die,” Moby cid to do . “In a weird way, jt seemed like the most practil urse of actn,” Moby says. “I was lonely and sad and sick and dnk and high, and I’d been that way for que a while. And nothg was gettg better.”</p><style data-emotn="css 1mtaqr6">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:50%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="1" class="align-right size-medium embed css-1mtaqr6 e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="Album ver, Poster, Mic, Movie, Sky, Font, Photography, Photo ptn, " tle="Album ver, Poster, Mic, Movie, Sky, Font, Photography, Photo ptn, " loadg="lazy" width="1807" height="2764" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css 78jldq">{paddg-left:0rem;}</style><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 1am3yn9">{paddg-left:0rem;le-height:1;}</style><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="2" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Now, ten years sober, Moby says ’s important he share this “dark si.” His new memoir, <style data-emotn="css 38knzi">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.125rem;text-ratn-lor:#d2232e;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;background-lor:#F3B032;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Then It Fell Apart" class="body-lk css-38knzi et3p2gv0"><em>Then It Fell Apart</em></a>, out this week, a chronicle of his ascent to fame and scent to addictn and bchery. He hop that wrg the moments helps make sharg easier, both for himself and for his dience. <br /></p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Moby once thought of suici as a siar munitive act. “You’re advertisg the extent to which you were pa,” he tells me. </p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">If so, then Moby’s disgraphy plays like one long, betiful, paful advert, though, one often disguised by fast, upbeat dance tempos. The book’s tle <em>Then It Fell Apart</em> are the lyrics om one such rerd, 2002's “Extreme Ways.” “Extreme” enpsulated much of Moby’s dg-fueled life of late-90's and early 00's fame. It was a which he never slept before sunrise, a nonstop sundown pursu through bars and nightclubs toward “oblivn,” a state where he’d drk or snort enough to, hopefully, never wake up ever aga. In the song, "extreme ways" are "back aga," which, if wasn't so melod, might play like a more evint admissn of relapse. Moby's third verse, a portent for an October morng six years later: "I closed my ey and closed myself / And closed my world and never opened / Up to anythg."</p><style data-emotn="css 1736von">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="6" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="Eyewear, Whe, Black, Facial hair, Glass, Cool, Beard, Black-and-whe, Monochrome, Human, " tle="Eyewear, Whe, Black, Facial hair, Glass, Cool, Beard, Black-and-whe, Monochrome, Human, " loadg="lazy" width="1890" height="2025" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css swqnqv">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css fwfucd">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:1.4;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;} em{font-fay:CharterItalic,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-fwfucd e1xqj1sx1">Dis birthday party, New York Cy, 2007</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css c5pwu3">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{lor:#d2232e;font-fay:GraphikBold,GraphikBold-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:3.8431rem;le-height:1;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:6.00318rem;le-height:1;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="7" class="body-dropp css-c5pwu3 et3p2gv0"> Moby’s father died when Moby was two, after drivg dnk to a bridge New Jersey at 100 mph. <em>Then It Fell Apart</em> reckons both wh the fallout om this ath as well as s ultimate e: alhol. Moby lls alhol the <em>molecule</em>, somethg he was both physlogilly pretermed to enjoy—and found at the age of ten—and somethg he was psychologilly motivated to abe. “It sudnly enabled me to feel lm and unaaid for the first time my life,” he says. <br /></p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Moby got his start Manhattan, playg hip-hop and dance to a crowd of mostly gay, black, and Lato ravers. That was the New York Cy Moby loved: hot, sweaty clubs wh dancg and energy and fun. In 1991, he released "<a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Go" class="body-lk css-38knzi et3p2gv0">Go</a>," a dance anthem that sampled the openg to David Lynch’s <em>Tw Peaks</em>, and soon he was tourg and ridg a small current of fame across Europe. Fame was joyo. Fame was playg on a barge Belgium ont of hundreds of ravers. It was havg sex a hotel shower for the first time. Fame was also possible alongsi sobriety, and for the first half of the 90s, Moby never touched a drk. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="9" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="Crowd, People, Audience, Event, Performance, Nightclub, Party, Magenta, Ftival, Dis, " tle="Crowd, People, Audience, Event, Performance, Nightclub, Party, Magenta, Ftival, Dis, " loadg="lazy" width="2362" height="1584" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-fwfucd e1xqj1sx1">Moby performg San Francis</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But then was New Year’s Day 1995. Moby was at a bar wh iends. His fame, he felt, was wang. He had suffered om a panic disorr sce he was a kid, and so even though he often felt lonely, he feared timacy. After he lled an ex-girliend and a man answered the phone, Moby hung up, went to the bar, and immediately orred a beer. And then another. And then another. </p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">By 1999, Moby was dnk or high almost every night. He would release another album that year, <em><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Play" class="body-lk css-38knzi et3p2gv0">Play</a></em>, probably his last, he thought. </p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Play</em> was a llage, part 80s-techno, part jazz, part blu, part folk, part 50’s gospel and a ppella, and part spoken word. Songs spired by bible vers, by classil mic, by walkg around Chatown at 5am, and, ultimately, by New York Cy. And by dgs. Ined, was an album that began wh a rave energy, fad to a chemil haze, and then end wh a soft choir. It was a dirty, excg 90's New York Cy <em>trip</em>. </p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And rocketed Moby to fame. </p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Not small-European-tour fame, but big-pop-star fame. Now fame was a fifty-foot billboard of himself on New York’s Hoton Street. Fame was Natalie Portman and Madonna dancg next to his stage, Rsell Crowe grabbg and yellg at him an Atralian bathroom, and gold and platum rerds stacked the hallway of his small Mott Street apartment. Fame was also lots of spontaneo sex, ecstasy, and vodka. And then, when the fame began to wane, aga, fame beme e, meth, and any dg offered. </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="15" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1cvvffc">{font-fay:GraphikConnsed,GraphikConnsed-fallback,Helveti,Arial,Sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.25rem;le-height:1;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><blockquote class="css-1cvvffc e1pe3zr90">"Fame was gold and platum rerds stacked the hallway of his small Mott Street apartment. Fame was also lots of spontaneo sex, ecstasy, and vodka."</blockquote><style data-emotn="css uj08">{background-lor:#000000;lor:#fff;ntent:'';display:block;height:0.06rem;marg:0.9375rem to 0;width:10rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-uj08 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="16" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">“I fully believed that I knew exactly what I was dog,” Moby tells me. He thought that if only fame and succs worked out, then thgs would be perfect. But they weren’t. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="17" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="Advertisg, Billboard, Sky, Technology, Mural, Poster, Display advertisg, Display vice, Banner, Cy, " tle="Advertisg, Billboard, Sky, Technology, Mural, Poster, Display advertisg, Display vice, Banner, Cy, " loadg="lazy" width="2939" height="1984" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-fwfucd e1xqj1sx1">Calv Kle advert, rner of Broadway & Hoton, New York Cy, 1999</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="18" class="body-dropp css-c5pwu3 et3p2gv0">Ultimately, Moby did wake up October 2008. The plastic bag lay on the floor. He had torn if off, unnscly, sometime durg the night, or rather, the day. A week later, Moby head to the only AA meetg lotn he knew the cy. He had avoid sobriety for years, but this week felt different. </p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">“There's a cliche AA: the first half of the first step is the only part you actually need to do really well,” Moby says. Moby’s not averse to the AA clich. In fact, he found the procre revelatnal. “[I was asked] <em>How often do you drk moratn?</em> And my answer was 'never.' <em>And how often do you leave a drk unfished?</em> And my answer was 'never.' <em>How often do you drk nsirably more than you planned on drkg?</em> And my answer was 'every sgle time I go out drkg.'” He scrib the revelatn as fally and fully acceptg “the evince”—a broken body, broken iendships, a broken plastic bag. “That te admissn—when you're able to fally adm to yourself that you are an alholic— creat a seismic, almost tectonic shift.”</p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="20" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="Camera, Cameras & optics, Glass, Eyewear, Beer, Drk, " tle="Camera, Cameras & optics, Glass, Eyewear, Beer, Drk, " loadg="lazy" width="2953" height="2214" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-fwfucd e1xqj1sx1">Self-portra wh some awards, 2002</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-11z3u4d e6iqd2">Faber & Faber</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="21" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"Then It Fell Apart" ends 2008 wh Moby's "te admissn." But for Moby, that year was when a different, remptive story began. </p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Sobriety wasn’t jt separatg myself om the<em> molecule, </em>he says;<em></em> meant also terrogatg the unrlyg emotnal dysfunctns that ma alhol and dgs so powerful the first place. He had done dynamic psychoanalysis the early 2000s, which helped him intify particular childhood trma as e for much of his panic and alholic pe. </p><p data-no-id="23" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Moby later turned to gnive behavral therapy (CBT) and a regimen that clud exposure techniqu. “I remember early on CBT, this image me to me of lookg to a hallway and seeg a shadow of some huge, terrifyg 10-foot-tall monster,” he says. Movg toward the shadow would be the image for much of Moby’s therapy: forcg himself to m to romantic relatnships, get close to people, nont the panic.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="24" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-1cvvffc e1pe3zr90">“You're not jt givg up drkg. You're givg up the belief that you know what you're dog.” </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-uj08 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="25" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When Moby speaks about this nontatn, he talks a lot about acceptance. He says we all believe that if we make the right choic, we n protect ourselv om the “unavoidable facts” of the human ndn, namely, “nfn and ath.” We engage material exchange to alter the facts. We seek fame to live longer. We drk and sleep around to feel nnected, ls nfed. Clary only wh acceptance of the facts and the revelatn that you nnot alter them. Moby knows sounds like wishy-washy-wannabe-Buddhist-new-age bullsh, but he don’t re. Acceptance and givg-onelf-over-to-the-universe have bee important personal mantras. “You're not jt givg up drkg,” he clarifi. “You're givg up the belief that you know what you're dog.” You’re embracg the unavoidable fact of nfn, rather than iatg the fact of ath.</p><style data-emotn="css 8c6v">{posn:absolute;left:-10000px;top:to;width:1px;height:1px;overflow:hidn;}</style><div data-ad-exclu class="css-8c6v ehha8ut0">This ntent is imported om youTube. 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Not that thgs happen for a reason. But that one learns only om failure. “Even the worst, most gradg, stupist, most self-stctive thgs I've done, I wouldn't change,” he says. As a god hoverg over his past self, Moby would allow that self to drk and tie a plastic bag around his head, bee he knows only after all the moments, only after failure, would that self adm he needs help.</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Bee the alternative might mean somethg that flirts too closely wh the fal track of <em>Play’s </em>NYC trip, “<a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="My Weakns" class="body-lk css-38knzi et3p2gv0">My Weakns</a>,” eher an ascent to some sunrise Nirvana or an empty dg-duced ath. 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