In our weekly sex lumn, experts solve datg dilemmas. This week is all about a gay man who lov his wife but wants to stop wantg men.
Contents:
- I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?
- ‘I DON’T WANT TO LIKE OTHER MEN’: MY WIFE’S TAKEN ME BACK BUT I N’T STOP BEG GAY
- HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?
- ‘I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY’
- 'I DON'T WANT TO LIVE NYG I'M GAY'
- OPN I’M GAY. AND I WANT MY KID TO BE GAY, TOO.
- I’M MALE AND I AM AAID THAT I MIGHT BE GAY
I LIKE GUYS BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY. HOW DO I STOP BEG GAY?
* i'm gay and i don't want to be *
(Kent Nishimura / Los Angel Tim) To the edor: I wonr if the LGBTQ+ muny realiz that the Supreme Court lg favor of a webse signer who didn’t want to create weddg s for gay upl n work our favor as well.
‘I DON’T WANT TO LIKE OTHER MEN’: MY WIFE’S TAKEN ME BACK BUT I N’T STOP BEG GAY
I’ve always weled qutns om gay men that fall outsi the predictable range — “Where are you om?” “What do you do?” “Top or bottom?” — and I’d do anythg to help a iend, but I n’t… * i'm gay and i don't want to be *
(“How the ripple effect of the Supreme Court’s 303 Creative cisn uld swamp civil rights,” Opn, July 12)As a gay man, I am always ncerned if the bs where I spend my money are supportive of my muny. Internalized homophobia -- self-shamg, self-hatred -- leads many gay men, and many queer people general, to recreate their closets long after they're "out" by shunng others, particularly those they nsir "flamboyant.
This parable piece by lbian wrer Sarah Prager go through the lp of great gays who changed the world -- om ventor Alan Turg to Tchaikovsky, the poser, to the Renaissance pater and ventor Leonardo da Vci. Fd a gay elr who's been where you are and r for your well-beg, someone who unrstands you and never pass judgment, someone who lets you make the mistak you need to make.
HOW DO I KNOW I’M NOT REALLY GAY/STRAIGHT?
There would be no ternalized self-hatred if no one had ever told you that beg gay is wrong, or that gay sex is disgtg, or that gay men n't feel real love, or that beg transgenr is fake, or that beg nonbary is a mental illns or a ll for attentn.
If you thk a word like "gay" or "queer" works for you right now (aga, don't have to work for you forever -- labels do not e wh lifetime ntracts) and you're not ready to tell everyone, simply say out loud to yourself. But to actually be lockg ey wh Ellen and hold her, shakg hands as she said, "I'm gay, " on natnal televisn and for the first time, as she has shared outloud that way publicly, was such a profoundly extraordary and timate gift to that moment that I will forever be grateful for.
Brandon Ambroso argu that simplistic explanatns have ignored the fluid, shape-shiftg nature of our sir.“You n’t be gay.”She was on top of me.It wasn’t a mand — was a challenge.
‘I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY’
You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good sex.It was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change.
'I DON'T WANT TO LIVE NYG I'M GAY'
But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this way.Many people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup. Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to 37%.The ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to.” Vios started circulatg on the ter featurg gay people askg straight people “when they chose to be straight.” Around the same time, the Human Rights Campaign clared unequivolly that “Beg gay is not a choice,” and to claim that is “giv unwarranted crence to roundly disproven practic such as nversn or reparative therapy.”People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backwardAs Jane Ward not Not Gay: Sex Between Straight Whe Men, what’s tertg about many of the claims is how transparent their speakers are wh their polil motivatns. “Such statements,” she wr, “fe blogil acunts wh an obligatory and nearly ercive force, suggtg that anyone who scrib homosexual sire as a choice or social nstctn is playg to the hands of the enemy.” People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backward – even if they are themselv gay.Take, for example, Cynthia Nixon of Sex and The Cy fame.
OPN I’M GAY. AND I WANT MY KID TO BE GAY, TOO.
“I unrstand that for many people ’s not, but for me ’s a choice, and you don’t get to fe my gayns for me.”The blogger John Aravosis was one of many crics who pounced on Nixon.
I’M MALE AND I AM AAID THAT I MIGHT BE GAY
Callg me “idtic” and “patently absurd”, Aravosis wrote, “The gay haters at the relig right uldn’t have wrten any better.”Gay rights do not have to hge on a geic explanatn for sexualy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)For Aravosis, and many gay activists like him, the public will only accept and affirm gay people if they thk they were born gay. Patrick Grzanka, Assistant Profsor of Psychology at Universy of Tennsee, for stance, has shown that some people who believe that homosexualy is nate still hold negative views of gays.