"South Park" Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ri (TV Episo 1997) - Trey Parker as Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Cly, Bill, Fosse, Mr. Garrison, Bookie, Man Crowd #1, Man Crowd #2, Man Crowd #3, Ned Gerblanski, Robert, TV Announcer #2, Carl, Big Gay Al, Frank Hammond, Richard Stamos, Pet-Owner #3 - IMDb

Contents:

• BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI/SCRIPT
• BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI
• BIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RISOUTH PARKTRACK 4 ON SEASON 1 FEATURGMATT STONE & TREY PARKERSEP. 3, 19971 VIEWER3 CONTRIBUTORSBIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RI LYRICS[B STOP]KYLE: HEY, WHERE'S THE SCHOOL B? WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE. [A DOG WALKS UP TO THE BOYS]STAN: HIYA, SPARKY.KYLE: [LOOKG] WHO'S THAT?STAN: THAT'S MY NEW DOG SPARKY. HE FOLLOWED ME TO THE B STOP.KYLE: WOW! COOL!STAN: GOOD DOG, SPARKY. WHO'S MY BT BUDDY? WHO'S THE BOY? WHO'S THE BUDDY?CARTMAN: EH. YOU'RE MAKG ME SICK, DU.STAN: HE'S PART DOBERMAN AND PART WOLF. HE'S THE TOUGHT DOG ON THE MOUNTA.CARTMAN: NO WAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT SYLVTER IS THE TOUGHT DOG SOUTH PARK.SYLVTER: ARRRRRRSTAN: HE'S NOT MEANER THAN SPARKY.CARTMAN: OH YEAH, LET'S SEE. HEY, SYLVTER. [HE OVER]STAN: SPARKY'LL KICK HIS ASS.CARTMAN: I'LL PUT A DOLLAR ON SYLVTER.KYLE: YOU'RE ON, DU. [SYLVTER STARTS AFTER SPARKY. BOTH DOGS GROWL]STAN: THAT'S , SPARKY! KICK HIS ASS! [SPARKY LUNG AFTER SYLVTER AND OUT OF VIEW. AGGRSIVE PANTG N BE HEARD. THE BOYS STAND THERE, SHOCKED]CARTMAN: HEH, HE'S DOG SOMETHG TO HIS ASS. HE'S NOT KICKG HIS ASS, BUT HE'S FELY DOG SOMETHG TO HIS ASS.STAN: SPARKY, BAD DOG!KENNY: (OH MY GOD, I THK THEY'RE SCREWG.)STAN: WHAT?!CARTMAN: YEAH DU, I THK YOUR DOG IS GAY.STAN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?CARTMAN: THAT DOG IS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL.STAN: [LOOKS BACK TO STUDY THE SUATN, THEN...] HE'S JT NFED.KYLE: I THK THE OTHER DOG'S THE ONE THAT'S NFED.KENNY: (NO, CHECK HIS PENIS) [KYLE S]STAN: SICK, SHUT UP DU. [SPARKY PANTS HAPPILY WHILE SYLVTER SLKS AWAY]CARTMAN: STAN'S DOG'S A HOMO. STAN'S DOG'S A HOMO. [THE B PULLS UP][FOOTBALL FIELD, SILE]CHEF: OKAY CHILDREN, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALL EXTREMELY EXCED AND NERVO AND ANX ABOUT THE HOMEG GAME AGAST THE MIDDLE PARK.KYLE: WHO'S MIDDLE PARK?CARTMAN: WHAT'S HOMEG?CHEF: BUT JT REMEMBER WHAT I TGHT YOU. THAT FOOTBALL IS LIKE MAKG LOVE TO A REEEEEALLY BETIFUL WOMAN. YOU N'T ALWAYS SRE, BUT WHEN YOU DO, MAK ALL THE TRYG WORTHWHILE. [SILENCE] NOW, LET'S START PRACTICE. [BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, AND THE KIDS H THE FIELD]PIP: UH, MR. CHEF SIR?CHEF: Y PIP, WHAT IS ?PIP: WELL, I STILL DON'T HAVE A HELMET.CHEF: I KNOW PIP, THE SCHOOL N'T AFFORD HELMETS FOR EVERYBODY.PIP: Y, BUT, ULDN'T WE ROTATE WHO DON'T HAVE A HELMET EVERY WEEK? DO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME?CHEF: Y PIP, I'M AAID DO.PIP: OH.CHEF: SORRY SON, NOW GET YOUR ASS THERE.[ON THE PLAYG FIELD]STAN: HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT--HUT. HUT. HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT.CHEF: [IMPATIENTLY] HIKE THE DAMN BALL! [CARTMAN HIK THE BALL OVER STAN'S HEAD. STAN CHAS DOWN. KYLE NS TO PIP, OPENG A MAJOR GASH ON PIP'S HEAD.]PIP: AAAAAAAARGH!JIMBO: [ARRIVG WH NED] HEY, HOW'S PRACTICE G THERE CHEF?CHEF: [DISTRACTED] HUH? OH FE, FE.JIMBO: I DON'T HAVE TO REMD YOU JT HOW IMPORTANT THIS GAME IS TO SOUTH PARK ALUMNI.CHEF: ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALUMNI?JIMBO: THAT'S AS FAR AS MOST OF GOT. YOU THK WE HAVE A SHOT AT BEATG THE SPREAD AGAST MIDDLE PARK THIS YEAR?CHEF: I DON'T KNOW. WHA- WHAT'S THE SPREAD?JIMBO: MIDDLE PARK BY 70 POTS.CHEF: HMMM. [LOOKS TOWARDS THE FIELD, WHERE KENNY TACKL CARTMAN, G HIM TO DROP THE BALL] I DON'T THK WE HAVE A CHANCE.JIMBO: NONSENSE! NOT WH MY NEPHEW AT QUARTERBACK. RIGHT STANLEY?STAN: [TURNG TO SEE HIS UNCLE JT AS CARTMAN HIK] HUH? [THE BALL HS HIM ON THE SI OF THE HEAD. HE PICKS UP AND THROWS TO KYLE]JIMBO: THATTA BOY.CHEF: GREAT PASS STAN.JIMBO: COME ON NED, WE GOTTA GET OUR ASS TO THE BOOKIE.[ON SILE AFTER PRACTICE]CHEF: OKAY. THAT WAS A GOOD PRACTICE CHILDREN. WE'LL SEE YOU HERE AGA TOMORROW.KYLE: HEY STAN, ISN'T THAT YOUR DOG?STAN: YEAH, HE MT HAVE FOLLOWED ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE. YOU SEE, HE IS SMART.CLY: AH, MY DOG REX FOLLOWS ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE ALL THE TIME.STAN: YEAH, BUT MY DOG FOUND HIS OWN WAY HERE. THAT MAK HIM SMARTER THAN YOUR- [SE SPARKY LUNGE AFTER REX] SPARKY, GET DOWN!CLY: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS HE DOG TO MY DOG?CARTMAN: THERE HE GO AGA.STAN: GET DOWN SPARKY! DOWN!CARTMAN: STAN FOT TO MENTN THAT HIS DOG IS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL.CLY: MAKE HIM STOP!REX: [MOVG AWAY WH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS] YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE!FOSSE: [PASS BY LGHG, WH BILL] I'M SURE GLAD MY DOG ISN'T GAY.BILL: YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD NAME YOUR DOG SPARKETTE, STAN.FOSSE: GAY DOG. [THE BULLI WALK AWAY LGHG, WHILE SPARKY WALKS UP PANTG][MR. GARRISON'S CLASSROOM. FOOTBALL PRACTICE MT HAVE BEEN THE MORNG]CARTMAN: .. SO YOU SEE, SIMON & SIMON WERE NOT BROTHERS REAL LIFE, ONLY ON TELEVISN.MR. GARRISON: THANK YOU FOR THAT PRENTATN ERIC, BUT THE ASSIGNMENT WAS ON ASIAN CULTUR. YOU GET A "D-".CARTMAN: AH, DAMM!MR. GARRISON: WHO SHOULD WE LL ON NEXT MR. HAT?MR. HAT: WELL, HOW ABOUT STAN, OUR LTLE SOUTH PARK QUARTERBACK STAR?MR. GARRISON: OH, GOOD IA. OKAY STANLEY, YOU'RE NEXT.STAN: UM, I'M NOT REALLY PREPARED EHER.MR. GARRISON: WELL, JT MAKE SOMETHG UP, LIKE ERIC DID.STAN: OKAY, UH. ASIAN CULTURE HAS, PLAGUED OUR AGILE EARTH FOR MANY YEARS. WE MT END -MR. GARRISON: EXCELLENT. "A-".CARTMAN: EEYY!STAN: WOW, OL!CARTMAN: WA A MUTE, WHY THE HELL DO HE GET AN "A-"?MR. GARRISON: ERIC, STANLEY JT MIGHT LEAD OUR TEAM TO VICTORY AGAST THE MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS FOR THE FIRST TIME S. AND WE TREAT STAR ATHLET BETTER 'E THEY'RE BETTER PEOPLE.CARTMAN: THAT'S NOT FAIR!MR. HAT: LIFE ISN'T FAIR KIDDO, GET ED TO .CARTMAN: STUPID PUPPET. [DISMISSAL BELL RGS]MR. GARRISON: DON'T FET YOUR ASSIGNMENTS TONIGHT CHILDREN, THEY'RE DUE TOMORROW FOR EVERYBODY BUT STAN.STAN: [AS EVERYONE LEAV] MR. GARRISON, N I ASK YOU A QUTN?MR. GARRISON: WELL OF URSE STANLEY, WHAT IS ?STAN: WHAT'S A - HOMOSEXUAL?MR. GARRISON: HOH, WELL, STANLEY, I GUS YOU ME TO THE RIGHT PERSON. S DOWN. [STAN SS] STANLEY, GAY PEOPLE... WELL- GAY PEOPLE ARE EVIL. EVIL RIGHT DOWN TO THEIR LD BLACK HEARTS, WHICH PUMP NOT BLOOD LIKE YOURS AND ME, BUT RATHER A THICK, VOMO OIL THAT OOZ THROUGH THEIR ROTTEN VES AND CLOTS THEIR PEA-SIZED BRAS WHICH BE THE E OF THEIR NAZIQUE PATTERNS OF VLENT BEHAVR. DO YOU UNRSTAND?STAN: I GUS.MR. GARRISON: GOOD, I'M GLAD WE ULD HAVE THIS LTLE TALK STANLEY. NOW YOU GO OUTSI AND PRACTICE FOOTBALL LIKE A GOOD LTLE HETEROSEXUAL.[B STOP. THE KIDS GET OFF THE B]CARTMAN: YOU GUYS SEE ME BLOCK THAT FENSE TODAY, I WAS KICKG ASS.KYLE: YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO KICK MORE ASS THAN THAT TO BEAT THE COWBOYS.CARTMAN: HEY, SPEAKG OF POUNDG ASS, HERE STAN'S LTLE HOMO DOG.STAN: SHUT UP DU! [SPARKY UP PANTG WH A PK SRF ON] SPARKY, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PK SRF?SPARKY: BARK, BARK.CARTMAN: MAN, THAT IS THE GAYT DOG I'VE EVER SEEN.STAN: HE JT NEEDS SOME TRAG, THAT'S ALL. S SPARKY. [SPARKY SS] GOOD BOY, NOW SHAKE. [SPARKY SHAK.] GOOOD BOY. NOW, DON'T BE GAY. [WAG FOR THE MAND TO SK ] DON'T BE GAY SPARK. DON'T BE GAY. [SPARKY LOOKS AT STAN WH NFN AND GROWLS]KYLE: DID WORK?STAN: I DON'T KNOW.CARTMAN: HE STILL LOOKS PRETTY GAY TO ME.BILL: HUH, HUH.FOSSE: HEY STAN, YOUR DOG BEEN TO ANY PRI MARCH LATELY?BILL: HUH HUH, MEH, YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM TO A BARBARA STREISAND NCERT. [THEY LGH] STUPID LTLE GAY DOG.FOSSE: GAY DOG.STAN: COME ON YOU GUYS, I HAVE AN IA.[SPORTS BOOK, NED AND JIMBO ENTER. TWO BIG-SCREEN MONORS SHOW HORSE RAC. ONE OF THE FIVE SMALLER SCREENS ABOVE SHOW A RACE AS WELL]JIMBO: I WANT $500 ON THE SOUTH PARK COWS.BOOKIE: ARE YOU CRAZY?JIMBO: NO SIREE. I'M TELLG YOU, I GOT THE LE. MY NEPHEW STAN IS THE BT QUARTERBACK THE SCHOOL HAS EVER SEEN. I GUARANTEE THEY'LL BEAT THE SPREAD.GAMBLER 1: I WANT TO PUT ALL MY MONEY ON THE COWS.GAMBLER 2: DUH, DUH, I THK I'LL PUT 300 ON THE COWS TOO.GAMBLER 3: HEY, I WANT TO PUT SOME MONEY ON THE COWS TOO.FEMALE GAMBLER 1: I GOT 500 ON THE COWS.FEMALE GAMBLER 2: WELL, I'LL PUT MY MONEY ON THE COWS.JIMBO: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. DON'T GET TOO RRIED AWAY NOW...GAMBLER 4: YOU BETTER BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS JIMBO.JIMBO: HEHE, YEAH. DON'T- DON'T WORRY YOURSELF.NED: ARE YOU SURE STAN IS THAT GOOD?JIMBO: NOT THAT SURE. I THK WE BETTER E UP WH A BACKUP PLAN. UHH, LET'S SEE HERE. HEY, BOOKIE! WHA- WHAT'S THE HALFTIME SHOW GONNA BE?BOOKIE: YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?! JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER RICHARD STAMOS IS GONNA SG 'LOVG YOU'.NED: I LOVE THAT SONG.JIMBO: 'LOVG YOU'? THAT'S PERFECT! COME ON NED, MIDDLE PARK'S GONNA GET A HALFTIME SHOW THEY'LL NEVER FET.[IN ONT OF STAN'S HOE, A LARGE CRATE SS NEXT TO THE KIDS.]STAN: OKAY SPARKY, WE GOT YOU A PRENT. NOW WHY DON'T- [NOTIC A PK SRF ON SPARKY] DAMN SPARKY, WHERE DO YOU KEEP GETTG THIS THG?! [GRABS THE SRF] NO PK BANDANNAS SPARKY, BAD DOG! NOW PAY ATTENTN. SPARKY, THIS IS FIFI. [THE CRATE OPENS AND FIFI, A FRENCH POODLE, OUT]KYLE: OOLALA [FIFI SNIFFS SOME. SPARKY STARTS FOLLOWG HER]CARTMAN: THERE HE GO.STAN: ATTA BOY SPARK, GET HER. [SPARKY GO FOR ] Y! [SPARKY THROWS FIFI'S LLAR TO THE AIR, TCHG ON HIS NECK.] AH CRAP! NOW WHAT DO I DO?KYLE: WHO R IF YOUR DOG IS GAY? MAYBE 'S NOT THAT BAD.CARTMAN: NO WAY DU, MY MOM SAYS GOD HAT GAY PEOPLE. THAT'S WHY HE SMOTE THOSE SODOMI FRANCE.KENNY: (I THK THAT GARRISON SAID THAT GAY PEOPLE SUCK.)STAN: I KNOW MR. GARRISON SAID THAT HOMOSEXUALS ARE EVIL, BUT, BUT SPARKY DON'T SEEM EVIL.KYLE: WELL, MAYBE MR. GARRISON IS WRONG. YOU SHOULD ASK SOMEBODY ELSE.STAN: LIKE WHO?[INSI STAN'S HOE, J AND PALS' TLE SCREEN IS ON TV]TV ANNOUNCER: AND NOW BACK TO J AND PALS ON SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCS.J: YEA, MANY OF YOU ARE SEEKG ANSWERS, AND I AM THE WAY FOR YOU MY CHILDREN. LET'S OPEN THE PHONE L BACK UP FOR SOME QUTNS... HELLO LLER, YOU'RE ON THE AIR. [BEEP]ROBERT: YEAH, IS, IS THIS J?J: Y MY SON.ROBERT: THIS, THIS IS ROBERT OM TORREY P. I LLED LAST WEEK ASKG FOR ADVICE ON MY EX-WIFE.J: OF URSE ROBERT. HOW ARE THGS NOW?ROBERT: WELL, EVERY, EVERYTHG'S MUCH BETTER J. SHE HASN'T MOUTHED OFF SCE. I JT WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE. OH, AND FOR, FOR DYG FOR MY SS, THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU.J: BLSED ART THOU, ROBERT. NEXT LLER, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.[BEEP]STAN: UH, HI, J. I, I HAVE A DOG, AND HE'S A- HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL.J: MY SON, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE WONRED WHAT MY STANCE ON HOMOSEXUALY IS. SO I'D LIKE TO STATE ONCE AND FOR ALL, MY TE OPN. YOU SEE-TV ANNOUNCER: [THE STATN'S LOGO POPS UP] THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE'VE LEFT FOR J AND PALS, NOW STAY TUNED FOR MARTY'S MOVIE REVIEWS.STAN: DAMN !KYLE: WHAT'D HE SAY?STAN: I GOT CUT OFF FOR MARTY'S STUPID MOVIE REVIEWS.CARTMAN: OH, MARTY'S MOVIE REVIEWS ARE ON, KICK ASS!STAN: ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO N HELP ME? ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO R?KYLE: COME ON DU, WE HAVE TO GET TO PRACTICE.STAN: NO, 'S NOT OKAY! I DON'T WANT A GAY DOG! [OUTSI, SPARKY OVERHEARS THIS] I WANT A BUTCH DOG! I WANT A R-T-T! [SPARKY GRO, DIGS A HOLE, AND MAK HIS WAY OUT OF THE YARD. HE WANRS TO THE MOUNTAS, LOOKS BACK ONCE MORE, AND IS GONE][ON THE SILE AT PRACTICE]CHEF: NOW CHILDREN, WE'VE GOT TO HANDLE THE BALL BETTER. YOU GOT TO HOLD YOUR FOOTBALL LIKE YOU HOLD YOUR LOVER. [MIC STARTS] GENTLY, YET FIRMLY. YOU WANNA BE BOTH NURTURG AND CLGG AT THE SAME TIME. OH YEAH! [SKS TO THE MOOD.]JT LIKE MAK' SWEET LOVE TO THE FOOTBALL.FEEL' NGHTY WH THE FOOTBALL.MMMM.KYLE: UH, CHEF?CHEF: SPANK , EVER SO GENTLY.KYLE: CHEF.CHEF: SPANK .KYLE: CHEF!CHEF: OH, UHUHH, SORRY CHILDREN. UHUH, LET'S N SOME PLAYS.PIP: UH, MR. CHEF SIR?CHEF: NO PIP, WE STILL DON'T HAVE A HELMET FOR YOU.PIP: RIGHTO, BUT HOW ABOUT I E A HELMET TODAY, AND ONE OF THE OTHER CHILDREN GO WHOUT?CHEF: THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY FAIR TO THE OTHER CHILDREN, NOW WOULD ?PIP: NO UM, I GUS NOT.[CARL'S BOMB'S AND EXPLOSIV AND ACCSORI]JIMBO: WHAT WE'LL HAVE TO DO HERE CARL IS PUT A TRIGGER ON THAT BOMB THAT MAK GO OFF AT A SPECIFIC MOMENT DURG HALFTIME.CARL: WHAT MOMENT WOULD THAT BE?JIMBO: WELL, JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER IS ALL SET TO SG 'LOVG YOU' DURG HALFTIME. WE WANT THAT BOMB TO GO OFF WHEN HE HS THAT HIGH F.CARL: WHAT HIGH F?JIMBO: YOU KNOW, LOVG YOU IS EASY 'E YOU'RE BETIFUL DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO... AAAAAHCARL: RIGHT, RIGHT, SO YOU WANT THE TRIGGER ON THE DOO-NN-DOO?JIMBO: NO, DAMM! THE AAAAAH.CARL: AAAAAHH.NED: AAAAAHH.JIMBO: AAAAAHH.CARL: AAAAAHH.JIMBO: GREAT, WE...CARL: DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO - AAAH.NED: DOO-NN-DOO-DOOJIMBO: YOU GOT ...CARL: DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO...NED: AAA - DOOOJIMBO: AAAAAHH.CARL: ALRIGHT, YEAH, OKAY...[ON THE SILE AT PRACTICE]CHEF: WHAT'S THE MATTER STAN, YOU SEEM DOWN.STAN: I JT, I N'T NCENTRATE 'E MY DOG IS GAY.CHEF: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: YOU N'T TEACH A GAY DOG STRAIGHT TRICKS.MR. GARRISON: [G UP TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER] OH, STOP FILLG HIS HEAD WH THAT QUEER-LOVG PROPAGANDA.CHEF: SAY WHAT?! YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE SYMPATHETIC.MR. GARRISON: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?CHEF: WELL, YOU'RE GAY AREN'T YOU?MR. GARRISON: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?! I AM NOT GAY.CHEF: WELL, YOU SURE DO ACT LIKE .MR. GARRISON: I JT ACT THAT WAY TO GET CHICKS, DUMB ASS. [CHEF LOOKS PUZZLED, WONRG][ON THE FIELD]KYLE: [NNG UP OM BEHD] WHAT'S THE MATTER DU?STAN: I DON'T KNOW WHERE SPARKY IS. HE UALLY FOLLOWS ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE.CARTMAN: MAYBE HE WENT SHOPPG FOR SOME LEATHER PANTS. [STAN PUNCH HIM] OW![SNOWY MOUNTAS. SPARKY IS TREKKG THROUGH THE SNOW, STOPS, AND LOOKS AROUND. A FLOATG STLE NEARS HIM. IT'S BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]BIG GAY AL: HELLO THERE LTLE PUP, I'M BIG GAY AL. [SPARKY LOOKS AT HIM] HAVE YOU BEEN OUTST? [SPARKY PANTS AN AFFIRMATIVE] WELL, THEN I'M SO GLAD YOU FOUND MY BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY. WE'RE ALL BIG GAY IENDS HERE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE WH ? [SPARKY PANTS AN AFFIRMATIVE] COME ON LTLE FELLOW, NOBODY WILL EVER OPPRS YOU HERE.[KENNY, KYLE, AND CARTMAN ARE AT THE B STOP. STAN WALKS UP]STAN: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN SPARKY, HE STILL HASN'T E BACK.KYLE: WOW, 'S BEEN LIKE TWO DAYS.STAN: I THK HE MIGHT'VE N AWAY.CARTMAN: DID YOU CHECK THE SHOPPG MA- [STAN PUNCH HIM] OW!KYLE: WE'LL HELP YOU LOOK FOR HIM AFTER THE GAME STAN.STAN: I'M NOT PLAYG.KYLE: YOU WHAT?!STAN: I'M NOT PLAYG THAT STUPID GAME. I HAVE TO FD MY DOG.[LEAV][MIDDLE PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL]JIMBO: [WHISPERG] COME ON NED, AND KEEP QUIET.NED: [LOUR] OKAY [THEY CLIMB OVER THE FENCE AND APPROACH THE MIDDLE PARK MAST, A HORSE]JIMBO: HELLO THERE, ENRIQUE.NED: WHAT ARE WE DOG HERE?JIMBO: WELL NED, WE ALWAYS KIDNAPPED MIDDLE PARK'S MAST. BUT THIS YEAR WE'RE GONNA BOOBY-TRAP STEAD. [PUTS BOMB ON ENRIQUE'S BACK] AND WHEN JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER HS THAT HIGH F LOVG YOU, BOOM! [ENRIQUE GETS WI-EYED] NO MORE MIDDLE PARK PLAYERS. [ENRIQUE STARTS TO TREMBLE]NED: HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA.JIMBO: [LGHS] GOD DAMN, I LOVE FOOTBALL![STORMY MOUNTAS]STAN: SPARKY! WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE ULD HE BE?[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY.]COWBOYS: [EXG THE B] KILL THAT KEN! KILL THAT KEN![SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. THE BLEACHERS ARE FILLED WH FANS CKED OUT COWS! GEAR. EVEN IKE IS WEARG A GO COWS SHIRT AND BOUNCG ABOUT.]FRANK HAMMOND: HELLO EVERYONE, THIS IS FRANK HAMMOND, SOUTH PARK PUBLIC RAD, AM 900, WELE TO TONIGHT'S MATCH-UP BETWEEN THE MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS. [POUNDS THE TABLE, AND PHIL'S MIKE FALLS OVER. HE SNS THE SIL] WELL, LOOKS LIKE CHEF, THE SOUTH PARK COWS ACH LOOKS A LTLE NERVO. THIS IS PROBABLY BEE HIS STAR QUARTERBACK HAS YET TO SHOW UP.CHEF: [BETWEEN HIS TEETH] OOHH, E ON STAN.PIP: UH, MR. CHEF, IF STANLEY DON'T SHOW UP, N I E HIS HELMET?CHEF: NO PIP, I'M SORRY![STORMY MOUNTAS]STAN: SPARKY! SPARKY![SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, FIRST QUARTER. THE GAME IS ABOUT TO BEG]REFEREE: PLAY BALL.CHEF: YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO QUARTERBACK, KYLE.KYLE: BUT I NEVER PRACTICED QUARTERBACK.CHEF: IT'S A LTLE LATE FOR THAT BULLCRAP NOW.FRANK: FILLG FOR QUARTERBACK IS NUMBER 12, KYLE BROFLOVSKI.MR. GARRISON: HEYHEY, WHERE IS LTLE STANLEY?MR. HAT: YEAH, WHY THE HELL IS THAT LTLE JEWISH KID PLAYG QUARTERBACK?JIMBO: NED, LOOK. [MIDDLE PARK'S MAST IS SHOWN] THEY'VE GOT ENRIQUE ON THEIR SILE, AND LOOKS LIKE THAT BOMB'S STILL ATTACHED.NED: YAY.[STAN FOLLOWS HIS DOG'S FOOTPRTS AND FDS HIMSELF FACG BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]BIG GAY AL: HI LTLE FELLA, HOW ARE YOU DOG TODAY?STAN: FE, HOW ARE YOU?BIG GAY AL: I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKG.STAN: MY GAY DOG RAN AWAY, AND I WAS WONRG IF MAYBE HE ME HERE.BIG GAY AL: WELL, LET'S SEE. COME ON . HMM. [THEY ENTER]STAN: D'YOU HAVE LOTS OF GAY DOGS HERE?BIG GAY AL: WE HAVE ALL SORTS OF GAY ANIMALS HERE AT BIG GAY AL'S. OVER HERE WE HAVE A GAY LN. [AND THREE GAY BUNNI]GAY LN: ROOAARBIG GAY AL: AND WE HAVE GAY WATER BUFFALO, GAY HUMMGBIRDS, HERE'S A GAGGLE OF GAY GOOS. HI FELLAS, 'S SO SUPER TO SEE YOU!STAN: WOW, SEEMS LIKE THE ANIMALS HERE ARE REALLY HAPPY.BIG GAY AL: OF URSE THEY ARE, SILLY BUNS. IT'S THE ONE PLACE WHERE GAY ANIMALS N REALLY BE THEMSELV. WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?[THEY ENTER THE TECHNO-DANCE FLOOR AS DIS MIC PLAYS. ANIMALS POUR TO DANCE, EVEN A DOLPH ON S TAIL]VOLIST: OWW, WE N BOTH BE GAY![IN THE HUDDLE. THE COWS W THE TOSS]KYLE: CARTMAN, YOU HIKE ME THE BALL, THEN SOMEBODY N, AND I'LL THROW AT SOMETHG. READY?!HUDDLE: BREAK![AT THE LE OF SCRIMMAGE]COWBOY 1: YOU GUYS ARE TOAST.COWBOY 2: YEAH, WE'RE GONNA POUND YOUR HEADS .CARTMAN: WE'LL JT SEE ABOUT THAT.KYLE: SET, SET. [CARTMAN FARTS LONG AND NASTY. KYLE QUICKLY RETREATS] DAMN CARTMAN!CHEF: WHAT'S THE MATTER?KYLE: CARTMAN FARTED!CARTMAN: NO I DIDN'T. THAT WAS JT MY SHO.CHEF: COME ON, COWS. WE'LL GET A LAY OF GAME PENALTY.KYLE: NO WAY DU!CHEF: HIKE THE BALL.KYLE: [BACK POSN, WH HIS SHIRT VERG HIS NOSE.] AH, DU, WEAK.CARTMAN: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET BACK THERE.KYLE: HUT.FRANK: THE BALL IS SNAPPED. MIDDLE PARK BLZ. [SCREAMG AS KYLE IS TACKLED] FUMBLE, MIDDLE PARK GETS THE BALL. THEY N FOR A TOUCHDOWN! THE SRE IS 7-NOTHG MIDDLE PARK, WH 14:57 REMAG THE FIRST QUARTER.JIMBO: HELL'S BELLS.FRANK: WHY, I HAVEN'T SEEN A BEATG LIKE THAT SCE RODNEY KG.PHIL: [QUICKLY VERS THE MIKE] NOW FRANK, THAT'S NOT VERY PC. YOU'RE GONNA GET TROUBLE AGA.FRANK: RIGHT, RIGHT, UH. I GOTTA WATCH THAT.TOWNSMAN 1: WE LOSE OUR MONEY 'E OF YOUR NEPHEW, WE'RE GONNA HANG YOU UP TO DRY, JIMBO.JIMBO: DON'T Y'ALL WORRY, YOU JT WA TILL HALFTIME, HEHE.[BIG GAY AL'S DANCE FLOOR]VOLIST: .. BE GAY.STAN: [DANCG WH A MONKEY, THEN SE SPARKY] SPARKY! HIYA SPARKY, HOW'S GO'?SPARKY: RUFF.STAN: I MISSED YOU OLD PAL, YOU REALLY HAD ME SRED.SPARKY: BARR.STAN: COME ON, LET'S GO HOME. I N STILL MAKE TIME FOR THE GAME. [SPARKY FOLLOWS STAN] WE N WORK ON MAKG YOU NOT GAY TOGETHER. [SPARKY STOPS AND SS] SPARKY?BIG GAY AL: YOUNG MAN, APPEARS YOU STILL DON'T UNRSTAND.STAN: WHAT DON'T I UNRSTAND?BIG GAY AL: COME THIS WAY, I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHG.[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, SEND QUARTER]FRANK: WH JT OVER A MUTE TO GO THE HALF THE SRE IS MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS 52, SOUTH PARK COWS 0.KYLE: HUT, HUT. [CARTMAN SNAPS THE BALL TO KYLE. THE COWBOYS BLZ. KYLE FLIPS THE BALL BACK TO PIP, WHO IS STILL WHOUT A HELMET. THE COWBOYS PLAYERS SCEND ON HIM AS SOON AS HE TCH THE BALL]FRANK: OH NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN AN ENGLISHMAN TAKE A BLOW LIKE THAT SCE HUGH GRANT.PHIL: [MUFFLG FRANK] DU! NOW THAT IS NOT OL.FRANK: SORRY, SORRY.[BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI]BIG GAY AL: OKAY STAN, I THK YOU SHOULD GET LE FOR MY BIG GAY BOAT RI. [STAN LOOKS AT THE BOAT] STEP ABOARD, STANLEY. [DO SO, WH SPARKY] HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELE ABOARD THE BIG GAY BOAT RI. ON THIS ADVENTURE WE'LL BE SEEG THE WORLD OF GAYNS THROUGHOUT TIME.[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. SOUTH PARK'S FAL DRIVE BEFORE THE HALFTIME SHOW]FRANK: AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS ARE SET TO RECEIVE... [COWBOYS KICK OFF] THERE'S THE KICK. IT'S TAKEN BY NUMBER 23, KENNY MCCORMICK. [WEAV THROUGH THE SPECIAL TEAMS] HE'S AT THE 50, THE 40, THE 30.COWBOYS: HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM! [TWO OF THEM TAKE HOLD OF KENNY'S ARMS] HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM!COWBOY: YAAAH! [A THIRD COWBOY DIV , TAKG KENNY'S HEAD OFF, AS THE OTHER TWO SEVER KENNY'S ARMS.]FRANK: THE NNG BACK IS DOWN. I THK HE'S... [RATS E TO VOUR KENNY'S RPSE.] Y, HE'S BEEN PATED.KYLE: WHA-? OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!PHIL: THAT'S GOTTA HURT, FRANK.FRANK: HOW TEE!CHEF: HEY, E ON. THAT WAS ROUGHG. AT LEAST LET SCRAPE HIM OFF THE FIELD.FRANK: LOOKS LIKE THE SOUTH PARK COWS AREN'T EVEN GONNA BEAT THE 72 POT SPREAD. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.[BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI]BIG GAY AL: YOU SEE, GAYNS HAS EXISTED SCE THE BEGNG OF TIME. FROM THE EGYPTIAN PHARAOHS, TO THE SHOGUNS OF JAPAN. [THEY CROSS SWORDS] UH OH, LOOK OUT, 'S THE OPPRSORS. CHRISTIANS AND REPUBLINS AND NAZIS, OH MY! [FIR OFF A SHOT WH HIS REVOLVER] OHHH! OH GOD, THAT WAS CLOSE. OKAY, LET'S STEER OUR BIG GAY BOAT OUT OF HERE AND TO A PLACE WHERE GAYS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE EELY. [DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A SCENE RIGHT OUT OF 'IT'S A SMALL WORLD.']BOAT RI SGERS:WE'RE ALL GAY, AND 'S OKAY'CSE GAY MEANS HAPPY AND HAPPY MEANS GAY.WE'RE NOT SAD ANYMORE, E WE'RE OUT THE CLOSET DOOR.IT'S OKAY, HEY, TO BE GAY!BIG GAY AL: SOOO, WHAT DO YOU THK STAN? [IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY...]STAN: THIS KICKS ASS! I'M SORRY I TRIED TO CHANGE YOU SPARK, I JT DIDN'T UNRSTAND. [IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY. SHALALA WAYLAYLAY SHALALA WAYLAYLAY IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY.]BIG GAY AL: ISN'T THIS PREC?[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. HALFTIME]FRANK: AND NOW, HERE TO SG THE TOUCHG SONG, LOVG YOU IS THE ONE AND ONLY, JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER...JIMBO: ALRIGHT RICHARD!RICHARD: [MIC STARTS UP]LOVG YOUIS EASY E YOU'RE BETIFUL-DOO-N-DOO--DOO-DOOOO--AAAAA! [HIS VOICE CRACKS AND THE MIC STOPS]AAAAA!JIMBO: WHAT THE HELL?!RICHARD: AAAAA! [HIS VOICE WAVERS]JIMBO: HE DIDN'T SG THE HIGH F.MR. GARRISON: RICHARD STAMOS N'T SG A HIGH F, HE ALWAYS SCREWS UP LIKE THIS.JIMBO: NED, WE ARE GOG TO GET OUR ASS KICKED.RICHARD: LALALALALA...MR. GARRISON: IT'S OBV WHERE ALL THE TALENT THAT FAY WENT![OUTSI OF BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]STAN: THANKS FOR EVERYTHG BIG GAY AL!SPARKY: RUFF!BIG GAY AL: NO PROBLEM KIDS. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA STAY FOR SOME TOASTED CHEE SANDWICH?STAN: NO THANKS, I'VE GOTTA GET BACK FOR THE BIG FOOTBALL GAME. COME ON BOY! [THEY START TO WALK OFF]BIG GAY AL: OH STAN? [THEY HALT] WHEN YOU GET BACK TO TOWN, [EARNT MIC PLAYS] TELL THEM ABOUT , WILL YOU? TELL THEM THERE ARE GAY ANIMALS HERE WHO NEED HOM, SPERATELY.STAN: I WILL BIG GAY AL, I WILL. [THEY PART]BIG GAY AL: [BELL DGS] OOH, MY RROT KE! [SH SI][SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, FOURTH QUARTER]KYLE: HIKE!FRANK: AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS ARE BEG ABSOLUTELY MOLTED BYMIDDLE PARK. I HAVEN'T SEEN SO MANY CHILDREN MOLTED SCE...MR. GARRISON: I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEATG THE SPREAD WAS A SURE THG JIMBO.MR. HAT: YEAH, WE ALL PUT OUR LIFE SAVGS THIS GAME.TOWNSMAN: YOU'RE A AD MAN JIMBO [A HAIL OF FOOD PRODUCTS IS THROWN AT JIMBO.]FRANK: WELL, THIS SHOULD JT ABOUT WRAP UP FOR- [STAN AND SPARKY E ON TO THE FIELD.] WA A MUTE, WHAT'S THIS?JIMBO: YEAH!!!CROWD MEMBER: YOHOOOOH.FRANK: IT'S STAN, THE SOUTH PARK STAR QUARTERBACK!CHEF: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN STAN?!STAN: I'VE BEEN GETTG MY BT IEND BACK.CHEF: JT GET THERE BOY!JIMBO: GIVE 'EM HELL STANLEY! [STAN TAK HIS PLACE] J, NOW I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU FOR MUCH, BUT ALL WE NEED IS ONE LTLE SRE.PLEASE? PLEASE, J?J: [ THE FIRST ROW] LEAVE ME ALONE.STAN: HIKE!FRANK: STAN HIK THE BALL. HE STEPS BACK TO PASS.KYLE: HEY STAN, AH- I'M OPEN, I THK.STAN: MPH. [THROWS BALL]FRANK: AND HE THROWS TO KYLE, THE LTLE JEWISH KID.KYLE: OOF. [NS TOWARDS THE END ZONE, PANTG, COWBOYS HOT ON HIS TRAIL.]FRANK: OH MY! I HAVEN'T SEEN A JEW N LIKE THAT SCE POLAND, 1938!PHIL: DU! [FRANK REILS. THE CROWD CHEERS AS KYLE SR]FRANK: TOUCHDOWN!JIMBO: YEAH!MR. GARRISON: WOOO!FRANK: THE CLOCK NS OUT AND THE FAL SRE IS MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS 73, SOUTH PARK COWS 6. SOUTH PARK BEATS THE SPREAD! [SWATS HIS MIKE AWAY]JIMBO: YEAH! WOOHOO![POSTGAME PRS NFERENCE. STAN GETS ON STAGE BY SREBOARD]TOWNSMAN: SPEECH!FRANK: STAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT THIS STUNNG ALMOST VICTORY?STAN: UH. IT, 'S REALLY OL THAT WE BEAT THE SPREAD AGAST THE COWBOYS.CROWD: YEAH, ALRIGHT!STAN: AND MAYBE - WE N BEAT 'EM EVEN MORE NEXT YEAR!CROWD: WOOOO!STAN: AND 'S OKAY TO BE GAY! [THE CROWD FALLS SILENT]JIMBO: WHAT?!STAN: BEG GAY IS JT PART OF NATURE, AND A BETIFUL THG.MR. GARRISON: WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKG ABOUT?!FRANK: UHH, STANLEY, YOU ARRIVED VERY LATE THE GAME, WHERE WEREYOU THAT WHOLE TIME?STAN: I WAS WH MY NEW IEND, BIG GAY AL. HE SHOWED ME HIS BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY, AND TOOK ME ON A BIG GAY BOAT RI, WHERE I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THE WONRS OF GAIETY. [THE CROWD LOOKS AT STAN DISBELIEF] IT'S TE, I'LL SHOW YOU.[AT THE SE OF BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY. THERE IS NOTHG TO BE SEEN]STAN: BUT WAS HERE. IT WAS ALL RIGHT HERE. THE, THERE WAS A TECHNO DANCE CLUB.CARTMAN: STAN, YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE UGH SYP, ALRIGHT,SERLY. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU MAN. [MISSG ANIMALS SUDNLY APPEAR]TOWNSWOMAN: OLIVER, I THOUGHT YOU RAN AWAY ALL THOSE MONTHS AGO.TOWNSPERSON 1: SIDNEY!TOWNSPERSON 2: WILLY!TOWNSPERSON 3: CARLOS!BIG GAY AL: [SUDNLY AT STANLEY'S SI] I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRGG EVERYBODY HERE.STAN: OH, THERE YOU ARE DU. HOW'S GOG?BIG GAY AL: I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKG. IT LOOKS LIKE NOW MY WORK HERE IS DONE. [POPS HIS SUSE OPEN AND CLIMBS TO ] GOODBYE STANLEY, PEACE BE WH YOU. [PRS A BUTTON, AND THE SUSE CLOS]STAN: WOW! [THE SUSE FLI OFF.]RICHARD: YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS! I N DO .MR. GARRISON: DO WHAT?RICHARD:LOVG YOUIS EASY E YOU'RE BETIFULDOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOOOJIMBO: NO!RICHARD: AAAHENRIQUE: MROO- [BOOM!]EMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUTTHIS SONG B IS UNREVIEWEDGENI ANNOTATN1 NTRIBUTORIT’S ABOUT CAILLOU GO' ON A BIG GAY BOAT RI- ;-;EXPAND SHAREASK A QUTN ABOUT THIS SONGASK A QUTN *‌WHEN DID SOUTH PARK RELEASE “BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI”?SEASON 1 (1997)SOUTH PARK1. CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE2. WEIGHT GA 40003. VOLNO4. BIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RI5. AN ELEPHANT MAK LOVE TO A PIG6. DEATH7. PKEYE8. STARV’ MARV9. MR. HANKEY, THE CHRISTMAS POO10. DAMIEN11. TOM’S RHOPLASTY12. MECHA-STREISAND13. CARTMAN’S MOM IS A DIRTY SLUTCOMME C’T DUR D’êTRE JUIF à NOëLNOW YOU’RE A MANWA’ ON A WOMANNO SUBSTUTETHE LONELY JEW ON CHRISTMASDREIL, DREIL, DREILOH KATHIE LEEORIGSTHERE YOU ARE!WE’RE ALL SPECIALLOVE GRAVYHOT LAVASANTA CLS IS ON HIS WAYMAKE LOVE, EVEN WHEN I’M DEADCREDSFEATURGMATT STONE & TREY PARKERRELEASE DATESEPTEMBER 3, 1997TAGSNON-MICTVSCREENEXPAND COMMENTSADD A MENTSIGN UP AND DROP KNOWLEDGE ?GENI IS THE ULTIMATE SOURCE OF MIC KNOWLEDGE, CREATED BY SCHOLARS LIKE YOU WHO SHARE FACTS AND SIGHT ABOUT THE SONGS AND ARTISTS THEY LOVE.SIGN UPGENI IS THE WORLD’S BIGGT LLECTN OF SONG LYRICS AND MIL KNOWLEDGE
• SOUTH PARK: BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RIDE (TV)
• SOUTH PARK SEASON 1 EPISO 4: "BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI" QUOT
• BIG GAY AL
• BIG GAY ALS BIG GAY BOAT RI CROSSWORD CLUE
• TREY PARKER: STAN MARSH, ERIC CARTMAN, CLY, BILL, FOSSE, MR. GARRISON, BOOKIE, MAN CROWD #1, MAN CROWD #2, MAN CROWD #3, NED GERBLANSKI, ROBERT, TV ANNOUNCER #2, CARL, BIG GAY AL, FRANK HAMMOND, RICHARD STAMOS, PET-OWNER #3
• GAY MOSW MOSW CY GUI

BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI/SCRIPT

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ri. Yeah du, I thk your dog is gay.

That dog is a gay homosexual.

BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI

Stan's dog's a homo. Stan fot to mentn that his dog is a gay homosexual. I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.

Gay dog.

Homosexual? Stanley, gay people...

BIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RISOUTH PARKTRACK 4 ON SEASON 1 FEATURGMATT STONE & TREY PARKERSEP. 3, 19971 VIEWER3 CONTRIBUTORSBIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RI LYRICS[B STOP]KYLE: HEY, WHERE'S THE SCHOOL B? WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR FOOTBALL PRACTICE. [A DOG WALKS UP TO THE BOYS]STAN: HIYA, SPARKY.KYLE: [LOOKG] WHO'S THAT?STAN: THAT'S MY NEW DOG SPARKY. HE FOLLOWED ME TO THE B STOP.KYLE: WOW! COOL!STAN: GOOD DOG, SPARKY. WHO'S MY BT BUDDY? WHO'S THE BOY? WHO'S THE BUDDY?CARTMAN: EH. YOU'RE MAKG ME SICK, DU.STAN: HE'S PART DOBERMAN AND PART WOLF. HE'S THE TOUGHT DOG ON THE MOUNTA.CARTMAN: NO WAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT SYLVTER IS THE TOUGHT DOG SOUTH PARK.SYLVTER: ARRRRRRSTAN: HE'S NOT MEANER THAN SPARKY.CARTMAN: OH YEAH, LET'S SEE. HEY, SYLVTER. [HE OVER]STAN: SPARKY'LL KICK HIS ASS.CARTMAN: I'LL PUT A DOLLAR ON SYLVTER.KYLE: YOU'RE ON, DU. [SYLVTER STARTS AFTER SPARKY. BOTH DOGS GROWL]STAN: THAT'S , SPARKY! KICK HIS ASS! [SPARKY LUNG AFTER SYLVTER AND OUT OF VIEW. AGGRSIVE PANTG N BE HEARD. THE BOYS STAND THERE, SHOCKED]CARTMAN: HEH, HE'S DOG SOMETHG TO HIS ASS. HE'S NOT KICKG HIS ASS, BUT HE'S FELY DOG SOMETHG TO HIS ASS.STAN: SPARKY, BAD DOG!KENNY: (OH MY GOD, I THK THEY'RE SCREWG.)STAN: WHAT?!CARTMAN: YEAH DU, I THK YOUR DOG IS GAY.STAN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?CARTMAN: THAT DOG IS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL.STAN: [LOOKS BACK TO STUDY THE SUATN, THEN...] HE'S JT NFED.KYLE: I THK THE OTHER DOG'S THE ONE THAT'S NFED.KENNY: (NO, CHECK HIS PENIS) [KYLE S]STAN: SICK, SHUT UP DU. [SPARKY PANTS HAPPILY WHILE SYLVTER SLKS AWAY]CARTMAN: STAN'S DOG'S A HOMO. STAN'S DOG'S A HOMO. [THE B PULLS UP][FOOTBALL FIELD, SILE]CHEF: OKAY CHILDREN, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALL EXTREMELY EXCED AND NERVO AND ANX ABOUT THE HOMEG GAME AGAST THE MIDDLE PARK.KYLE: WHO'S MIDDLE PARK?CARTMAN: WHAT'S HOMEG?CHEF: BUT JT REMEMBER WHAT I TGHT YOU. THAT FOOTBALL IS LIKE MAKG LOVE TO A REEEEEALLY BETIFUL WOMAN. YOU N'T ALWAYS SRE, BUT WHEN YOU DO, MAK ALL THE TRYG WORTHWHILE. [SILENCE] NOW, LET'S START PRACTICE. [BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, AND THE KIDS H THE FIELD]PIP: UH, MR. CHEF SIR?CHEF: Y PIP, WHAT IS ?PIP: WELL, I STILL DON'T HAVE A HELMET.CHEF: I KNOW PIP, THE SCHOOL N'T AFFORD HELMETS FOR EVERYBODY.PIP: Y, BUT, ULDN'T WE ROTATE WHO DON'T HAVE A HELMET EVERY WEEK? DO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME?CHEF: Y PIP, I'M AAID DO.PIP: OH.CHEF: SORRY SON, NOW GET YOUR ASS THERE.[ON THE PLAYG FIELD]STAN: HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT--HUT. HUT. HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT-HUT.CHEF: [IMPATIENTLY] HIKE THE DAMN BALL! [CARTMAN HIK THE BALL OVER STAN'S HEAD. STAN CHAS DOWN. KYLE NS TO PIP, OPENG A MAJOR GASH ON PIP'S HEAD.]PIP: AAAAAAAARGH!JIMBO: [ARRIVG WH NED] HEY, HOW'S PRACTICE G THERE CHEF?CHEF: [DISTRACTED] HUH? OH FE, FE.JIMBO: I DON'T HAVE TO REMD YOU JT HOW IMPORTANT THIS GAME IS TO SOUTH PARK ALUMNI.CHEF: ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALUMNI?JIMBO: THAT'S AS FAR AS MOST OF GOT. YOU THK WE HAVE A SHOT AT BEATG THE SPREAD AGAST MIDDLE PARK THIS YEAR?CHEF: I DON'T KNOW. WHA- WHAT'S THE SPREAD?JIMBO: MIDDLE PARK BY 70 POTS.CHEF: HMMM. [LOOKS TOWARDS THE FIELD, WHERE KENNY TACKL CARTMAN, G HIM TO DROP THE BALL] I DON'T THK WE HAVE A CHANCE.JIMBO: NONSENSE! NOT WH MY NEPHEW AT QUARTERBACK. RIGHT STANLEY?STAN: [TURNG TO SEE HIS UNCLE JT AS CARTMAN HIK] HUH? [THE BALL HS HIM ON THE SI OF THE HEAD. HE PICKS UP AND THROWS TO KYLE]JIMBO: THATTA BOY.CHEF: GREAT PASS STAN.JIMBO: COME ON NED, WE GOTTA GET OUR ASS TO THE BOOKIE.[ON SILE AFTER PRACTICE]CHEF: OKAY. THAT WAS A GOOD PRACTICE CHILDREN. WE'LL SEE YOU HERE AGA TOMORROW.KYLE: HEY STAN, ISN'T THAT YOUR DOG?STAN: YEAH, HE MT HAVE FOLLOWED ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE. YOU SEE, HE IS SMART.CLY: AH, MY DOG REX FOLLOWS ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE ALL THE TIME.STAN: YEAH, BUT MY DOG FOUND HIS OWN WAY HERE. THAT MAK HIM SMARTER THAN YOUR- [SE SPARKY LUNGE AFTER REX] SPARKY, GET DOWN!CLY: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS HE DOG TO MY DOG?CARTMAN: THERE HE GO AGA.STAN: GET DOWN SPARKY! DOWN!CARTMAN: STAN FOT TO MENTN THAT HIS DOG IS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL.CLY: MAKE HIM STOP!REX: [MOVG AWAY WH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS] YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIPE!FOSSE: [PASS BY LGHG, WH BILL] I'M SURE GLAD MY DOG ISN'T GAY.BILL: YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD NAME YOUR DOG SPARKETTE, STAN.FOSSE: GAY DOG. [THE BULLI WALK AWAY LGHG, WHILE SPARKY WALKS UP PANTG][MR. GARRISON'S CLASSROOM. FOOTBALL PRACTICE MT HAVE BEEN THE MORNG]CARTMAN: .. SO YOU SEE, SIMON & SIMON WERE NOT BROTHERS REAL LIFE, ONLY ON TELEVISN.MR. GARRISON: THANK YOU FOR THAT PRENTATN ERIC, BUT THE ASSIGNMENT WAS ON ASIAN CULTUR. YOU GET A "D-".CARTMAN: AH, DAMM!MR. GARRISON: WHO SHOULD WE LL ON NEXT MR. HAT?MR. HAT: WELL, HOW ABOUT STAN, OUR LTLE SOUTH PARK QUARTERBACK STAR?MR. GARRISON: OH, GOOD IA. OKAY STANLEY, YOU'RE NEXT.STAN: UM, I'M NOT REALLY PREPARED EHER.MR. GARRISON: WELL, JT MAKE SOMETHG UP, LIKE ERIC DID.STAN: OKAY, UH. ASIAN CULTURE HAS, PLAGUED OUR AGILE EARTH FOR MANY YEARS. WE MT END -MR. GARRISON: EXCELLENT. "A-".CARTMAN: EEYY!STAN: WOW, OL!CARTMAN: WA A MUTE, WHY THE HELL DO HE GET AN "A-"?MR. GARRISON: ERIC, STANLEY JT MIGHT LEAD OUR TEAM TO VICTORY AGAST THE MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS FOR THE FIRST TIME S. AND WE TREAT STAR ATHLET BETTER 'E THEY'RE BETTER PEOPLE.CARTMAN: THAT'S NOT FAIR!MR. HAT: LIFE ISN'T FAIR KIDDO, GET ED TO .CARTMAN: STUPID PUPPET. [DISMISSAL BELL RGS]MR. GARRISON: DON'T FET YOUR ASSIGNMENTS TONIGHT CHILDREN, THEY'RE DUE TOMORROW FOR EVERYBODY BUT STAN.STAN: [AS EVERYONE LEAV] MR. GARRISON, N I ASK YOU A QUTN?MR. GARRISON: WELL OF URSE STANLEY, WHAT IS ?STAN: WHAT'S A - HOMOSEXUAL?MR. GARRISON: HOH, WELL, STANLEY, I GUS YOU ME TO THE RIGHT PERSON. S DOWN. [STAN SS] STANLEY, GAY PEOPLE... WELL- GAY PEOPLE ARE EVIL. EVIL RIGHT DOWN TO THEIR LD BLACK HEARTS, WHICH PUMP NOT BLOOD LIKE YOURS AND ME, BUT RATHER A THICK, VOMO OIL THAT OOZ THROUGH THEIR ROTTEN VES AND CLOTS THEIR PEA-SIZED BRAS WHICH BE THE E OF THEIR NAZIQUE PATTERNS OF VLENT BEHAVR. DO YOU UNRSTAND?STAN: I GUS.MR. GARRISON: GOOD, I'M GLAD WE ULD HAVE THIS LTLE TALK STANLEY. NOW YOU GO OUTSI AND PRACTICE FOOTBALL LIKE A GOOD LTLE HETEROSEXUAL.[B STOP. THE KIDS GET OFF THE B]CARTMAN: YOU GUYS SEE ME BLOCK THAT FENSE TODAY, I WAS KICKG ASS.KYLE: YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO KICK MORE ASS THAN THAT TO BEAT THE COWBOYS.CARTMAN: HEY, SPEAKG OF POUNDG ASS, HERE STAN'S LTLE HOMO DOG.STAN: SHUT UP DU! [SPARKY UP PANTG WH A PK SRF ON] SPARKY, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PK SRF?SPARKY: BARK, BARK.CARTMAN: MAN, THAT IS THE GAYT DOG I'VE EVER SEEN.STAN: HE JT NEEDS SOME TRAG, THAT'S ALL. S SPARKY. [SPARKY SS] GOOD BOY, NOW SHAKE. [SPARKY SHAK.] GOOOD BOY. NOW, DON'T BE GAY. [WAG FOR THE MAND TO SK ] DON'T BE GAY SPARK. DON'T BE GAY. [SPARKY LOOKS AT STAN WH NFN AND GROWLS]KYLE: DID WORK?STAN: I DON'T KNOW.CARTMAN: HE STILL LOOKS PRETTY GAY TO ME.BILL: HUH, HUH.FOSSE: HEY STAN, YOUR DOG BEEN TO ANY PRI MARCH LATELY?BILL: HUH HUH, MEH, YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE HIM TO A BARBARA STREISAND NCERT. [THEY LGH] STUPID LTLE GAY DOG.FOSSE: GAY DOG.STAN: COME ON YOU GUYS, I HAVE AN IA.[SPORTS BOOK, NED AND JIMBO ENTER. TWO BIG-SCREEN MONORS SHOW HORSE RAC. ONE OF THE FIVE SMALLER SCREENS ABOVE SHOW A RACE AS WELL]JIMBO: I WANT $500 ON THE SOUTH PARK COWS.BOOKIE: ARE YOU CRAZY?JIMBO: NO SIREE. I'M TELLG YOU, I GOT THE LE. MY NEPHEW STAN IS THE BT QUARTERBACK THE SCHOOL HAS EVER SEEN. I GUARANTEE THEY'LL BEAT THE SPREAD.GAMBLER 1: I WANT TO PUT ALL MY MONEY ON THE COWS.GAMBLER 2: DUH, DUH, I THK I'LL PUT 300 ON THE COWS TOO.GAMBLER 3: HEY, I WANT TO PUT SOME MONEY ON THE COWS TOO.FEMALE GAMBLER 1: I GOT 500 ON THE COWS.FEMALE GAMBLER 2: WELL, I'LL PUT MY MONEY ON THE COWS.JIMBO: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. DON'T GET TOO RRIED AWAY NOW...GAMBLER 4: YOU BETTER BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS JIMBO.JIMBO: HEHE, YEAH. DON'T- DON'T WORRY YOURSELF.NED: ARE YOU SURE STAN IS THAT GOOD?JIMBO: NOT THAT SURE. I THK WE BETTER E UP WH A BACKUP PLAN. UHH, LET'S SEE HERE. HEY, BOOKIE! WHA- WHAT'S THE HALFTIME SHOW GONNA BE?BOOKIE: YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?! JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER RICHARD STAMOS IS GONNA SG 'LOVG YOU'.NED: I LOVE THAT SONG.JIMBO: 'LOVG YOU'? THAT'S PERFECT! COME ON NED, MIDDLE PARK'S GONNA GET A HALFTIME SHOW THEY'LL NEVER FET.[IN ONT OF STAN'S HOE, A LARGE CRATE SS NEXT TO THE KIDS.]STAN: OKAY SPARKY, WE GOT YOU A PRENT. NOW WHY DON'T- [NOTIC A PK SRF ON SPARKY] DAMN SPARKY, WHERE DO YOU KEEP GETTG THIS THG?! [GRABS THE SRF] NO PK BANDANNAS SPARKY, BAD DOG! NOW PAY ATTENTN. SPARKY, THIS IS FIFI. [THE CRATE OPENS AND FIFI, A FRENCH POODLE, OUT]KYLE: OOLALA [FIFI SNIFFS SOME. SPARKY STARTS FOLLOWG HER]CARTMAN: THERE HE GO.STAN: ATTA BOY SPARK, GET HER. [SPARKY GO FOR ] Y! [SPARKY THROWS FIFI'S LLAR TO THE AIR, TCHG ON HIS NECK.] AH CRAP! NOW WHAT DO I DO?KYLE: WHO R IF YOUR DOG IS GAY? MAYBE 'S NOT THAT BAD.CARTMAN: NO WAY DU, MY MOM SAYS GOD HAT GAY PEOPLE. THAT'S WHY HE SMOTE THOSE SODOMI FRANCE.KENNY: (I THK THAT GARRISON SAID THAT GAY PEOPLE SUCK.)STAN: I KNOW MR. GARRISON SAID THAT HOMOSEXUALS ARE EVIL, BUT, BUT SPARKY DON'T SEEM EVIL.KYLE: WELL, MAYBE MR. GARRISON IS WRONG. YOU SHOULD ASK SOMEBODY ELSE.STAN: LIKE WHO?[INSI STAN'S HOE, J AND PALS' TLE SCREEN IS ON TV]TV ANNOUNCER: AND NOW BACK TO J AND PALS ON SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCS.J: YEA, MANY OF YOU ARE SEEKG ANSWERS, AND I AM THE WAY FOR YOU MY CHILDREN. LET'S OPEN THE PHONE L BACK UP FOR SOME QUTNS... HELLO LLER, YOU'RE ON THE AIR. [BEEP]ROBERT: YEAH, IS, IS THIS J?J: Y MY SON.ROBERT: THIS, THIS IS ROBERT OM TORREY P. I LLED LAST WEEK ASKG FOR ADVICE ON MY EX-WIFE.J: OF URSE ROBERT. HOW ARE THGS NOW?ROBERT: WELL, EVERY, EVERYTHG'S MUCH BETTER J. SHE HASN'T MOUTHED OFF SCE. I JT WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE. OH, AND FOR, FOR DYG FOR MY SS, THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU.J: BLSED ART THOU, ROBERT. NEXT LLER, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.[BEEP]STAN: UH, HI, J. I, I HAVE A DOG, AND HE'S A- HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL.J: MY SON, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE WONRED WHAT MY STANCE ON HOMOSEXUALY IS. SO I'D LIKE TO STATE ONCE AND FOR ALL, MY TE OPN. YOU SEE-TV ANNOUNCER: [THE STATN'S LOGO POPS UP] THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE'VE LEFT FOR J AND PALS, NOW STAY TUNED FOR MARTY'S MOVIE REVIEWS.STAN: DAMN !KYLE: WHAT'D HE SAY?STAN: I GOT CUT OFF FOR MARTY'S STUPID MOVIE REVIEWS.CARTMAN: OH, MARTY'S MOVIE REVIEWS ARE ON, KICK ASS!STAN: ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO N HELP ME? ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO R?KYLE: COME ON DU, WE HAVE TO GET TO PRACTICE.STAN: NO, 'S NOT OKAY! I DON'T WANT A GAY DOG! [OUTSI, SPARKY OVERHEARS THIS] I WANT A BUTCH DOG! I WANT A R-T-T! [SPARKY GRO, DIGS A HOLE, AND MAK HIS WAY OUT OF THE YARD. HE WANRS TO THE MOUNTAS, LOOKS BACK ONCE MORE, AND IS GONE][ON THE SILE AT PRACTICE]CHEF: NOW CHILDREN, WE'VE GOT TO HANDLE THE BALL BETTER. YOU GOT TO HOLD YOUR FOOTBALL LIKE YOU HOLD YOUR LOVER. [MIC STARTS] GENTLY, YET FIRMLY. YOU WANNA BE BOTH NURTURG AND CLGG AT THE SAME TIME. OH YEAH! [SKS TO THE MOOD.]JT LIKE MAK' SWEET LOVE TO THE FOOTBALL.FEEL' NGHTY WH THE FOOTBALL.MMMM.KYLE: UH, CHEF?CHEF: SPANK , EVER SO GENTLY.KYLE: CHEF.CHEF: SPANK .KYLE: CHEF!CHEF: OH, UHUHH, SORRY CHILDREN. UHUH, LET'S N SOME PLAYS.PIP: UH, MR. CHEF SIR?CHEF: NO PIP, WE STILL DON'T HAVE A HELMET FOR YOU.PIP: RIGHTO, BUT HOW ABOUT I E A HELMET TODAY, AND ONE OF THE OTHER CHILDREN GO WHOUT?CHEF: THAT WOULDN'T BE VERY FAIR TO THE OTHER CHILDREN, NOW WOULD ?PIP: NO UM, I GUS NOT.[CARL'S BOMB'S AND EXPLOSIV AND ACCSORI]JIMBO: WHAT WE'LL HAVE TO DO HERE CARL IS PUT A TRIGGER ON THAT BOMB THAT MAK GO OFF AT A SPECIFIC MOMENT DURG HALFTIME.CARL: WHAT MOMENT WOULD THAT BE?JIMBO: WELL, JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER IS ALL SET TO SG 'LOVG YOU' DURG HALFTIME. WE WANT THAT BOMB TO GO OFF WHEN HE HS THAT HIGH F.CARL: WHAT HIGH F?JIMBO: YOU KNOW, LOVG YOU IS EASY 'E YOU'RE BETIFUL DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO... AAAAAHCARL: RIGHT, RIGHT, SO YOU WANT THE TRIGGER ON THE DOO-NN-DOO?JIMBO: NO, DAMM! THE AAAAAH.CARL: AAAAAHH.NED: AAAAAHH.JIMBO: AAAAAHH.CARL: AAAAAHH.JIMBO: GREAT, WE...CARL: DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO - AAAH.NED: DOO-NN-DOO-DOOJIMBO: YOU GOT ...CARL: DOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOO...NED: AAA - DOOOJIMBO: AAAAAHH.CARL: ALRIGHT, YEAH, OKAY...[ON THE SILE AT PRACTICE]CHEF: WHAT'S THE MATTER STAN, YOU SEEM DOWN.STAN: I JT, I N'T NCENTRATE 'E MY DOG IS GAY.CHEF: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: YOU N'T TEACH A GAY DOG STRAIGHT TRICKS.MR. GARRISON: [G UP TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER] OH, STOP FILLG HIS HEAD WH THAT QUEER-LOVG PROPAGANDA.CHEF: SAY WHAT?! YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE SYMPATHETIC.MR. GARRISON: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?CHEF: WELL, YOU'RE GAY AREN'T YOU?MR. GARRISON: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKG ABOUT?! I AM NOT GAY.CHEF: WELL, YOU SURE DO ACT LIKE .MR. GARRISON: I JT ACT THAT WAY TO GET CHICKS, DUMB ASS. [CHEF LOOKS PUZZLED, WONRG][ON THE FIELD]KYLE: [NNG UP OM BEHD] WHAT'S THE MATTER DU?STAN: I DON'T KNOW WHERE SPARKY IS. HE UALLY FOLLOWS ME TO FOOTBALL PRACTICE.CARTMAN: MAYBE HE WENT SHOPPG FOR SOME LEATHER PANTS. [STAN PUNCH HIM] OW![SNOWY MOUNTAS. SPARKY IS TREKKG THROUGH THE SNOW, STOPS, AND LOOKS AROUND. A FLOATG STLE NEARS HIM. IT'S BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]BIG GAY AL: HELLO THERE LTLE PUP, I'M BIG GAY AL. [SPARKY LOOKS AT HIM] HAVE YOU BEEN OUTST? [SPARKY PANTS AN AFFIRMATIVE] WELL, THEN I'M SO GLAD YOU FOUND MY BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY. WE'RE ALL BIG GAY IENDS HERE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE WH ? [SPARKY PANTS AN AFFIRMATIVE] COME ON LTLE FELLOW, NOBODY WILL EVER OPPRS YOU HERE.[KENNY, KYLE, AND CARTMAN ARE AT THE B STOP. STAN WALKS UP]STAN: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN SPARKY, HE STILL HASN'T E BACK.KYLE: WOW, 'S BEEN LIKE TWO DAYS.STAN: I THK HE MIGHT'VE N AWAY.CARTMAN: DID YOU CHECK THE SHOPPG MA- [STAN PUNCH HIM] OW!KYLE: WE'LL HELP YOU LOOK FOR HIM AFTER THE GAME STAN.STAN: I'M NOT PLAYG.KYLE: YOU WHAT?!STAN: I'M NOT PLAYG THAT STUPID GAME. I HAVE TO FD MY DOG.[LEAV][MIDDLE PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL]JIMBO: [WHISPERG] COME ON NED, AND KEEP QUIET.NED: [LOUR] OKAY [THEY CLIMB OVER THE FENCE AND APPROACH THE MIDDLE PARK MAST, A HORSE]JIMBO: HELLO THERE, ENRIQUE.NED: WHAT ARE WE DOG HERE?JIMBO: WELL NED, WE ALWAYS KIDNAPPED MIDDLE PARK'S MAST. BUT THIS YEAR WE'RE GONNA BOOBY-TRAP STEAD. [PUTS BOMB ON ENRIQUE'S BACK] AND WHEN JOHN STAMOS' OLR BROTHER HS THAT HIGH F LOVG YOU, BOOM! [ENRIQUE GETS WI-EYED] NO MORE MIDDLE PARK PLAYERS. [ENRIQUE STARTS TO TREMBLE]NED: HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA.JIMBO: [LGHS] GOD DAMN, I LOVE FOOTBALL![STORMY MOUNTAS]STAN: SPARKY! WHERE ARE YOU?! WHERE ULD HE BE?[SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY.]COWBOYS: [EXG THE B] KILL THAT KEN! KILL THAT KEN![SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. THE BLEACHERS ARE FILLED WH FANS CKED OUT COWS! GEAR. EVEN IKE IS WEARG A GO COWS SHIRT AND BOUNCG ABOUT.]FRANK HAMMOND: HELLO EVERYONE, THIS IS FRANK HAMMOND, SOUTH PARK PUBLIC RAD, AM 900, WELE TO TONIGHT'S MATCH-UP BETWEEN THE MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS. [POUNDS THE TABLE, AND PHIL'S MIKE FALLS OVER. HE SNS THE SIL] WELL, LOOKS LIKE CHEF, THE SOUTH PARK COWS ACH LOOKS A LTLE NERVO. THIS IS PROBABLY BEE HIS STAR QUARTERBACK HAS YET TO SHOW UP.CHEF: [BETWEEN HIS TEETH] OOHH, E ON STAN.PIP: UH, MR. CHEF, IF STANLEY DON'T SHOW UP, N I E HIS HELMET?CHEF: NO PIP, I'M SORRY![STORMY MOUNTAS]STAN: SPARKY! SPARKY![SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, FIRST QUARTER. THE GAME IS ABOUT TO BEG]REFEREE: PLAY BALL.CHEF: YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO QUARTERBACK, KYLE.KYLE: BUT I NEVER PRACTICED QUARTERBACK.CHEF: IT'S A LTLE LATE FOR THAT BULLCRAP NOW.FRANK: FILLG FOR QUARTERBACK IS NUMBER 12, KYLE BROFLOVSKI.MR. GARRISON: HEYHEY, WHERE IS LTLE STANLEY?MR. HAT: YEAH, WHY THE HELL IS THAT LTLE JEWISH KID PLAYG QUARTERBACK?JIMBO: NED, LOOK. [MIDDLE PARK'S MAST IS SHOWN] THEY'VE GOT ENRIQUE ON THEIR SILE, AND LOOKS LIKE THAT BOMB'S STILL ATTACHED.NED: YAY.[STAN FOLLOWS HIS DOG'S FOOTPRTS AND FDS HIMSELF FACG BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]BIG GAY AL: HI LTLE FELLA, HOW ARE YOU DOG TODAY?STAN: FE, HOW ARE YOU?BIG GAY AL: I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKG.STAN: MY GAY DOG RAN AWAY, AND I WAS WONRG IF MAYBE HE ME HERE.BIG GAY AL: WELL, LET'S SEE. COME ON . HMM. [THEY ENTER]STAN: D'YOU HAVE LOTS OF GAY DOGS HERE?BIG GAY AL: WE HAVE ALL SORTS OF GAY ANIMALS HERE AT BIG GAY AL'S. OVER HERE WE HAVE A GAY LN. [AND THREE GAY BUNNI]GAY LN: ROOAARBIG GAY AL: AND WE HAVE GAY WATER BUFFALO, GAY HUMMGBIRDS, HERE'S A GAGGLE OF GAY GOOS. HI FELLAS, 'S SO SUPER TO SEE YOU!STAN: WOW, SEEMS LIKE THE ANIMALS HERE ARE REALLY HAPPY.BIG GAY AL: OF URSE THEY ARE, SILLY BUNS. IT'S THE ONE PLACE WHERE GAY ANIMALS N REALLY BE THEMSELV. WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?[THEY ENTER THE TECHNO-DANCE FLOOR AS DIS MIC PLAYS. ANIMALS POUR TO DANCE, EVEN A DOLPH ON S TAIL]VOLIST: OWW, WE N BOTH BE GAY![IN THE HUDDLE. THE COWS W THE TOSS]KYLE: CARTMAN, YOU HIKE ME THE BALL, THEN SOMEBODY N, AND I'LL THROW AT SOMETHG. READY?!HUDDLE: BREAK![AT THE LE OF SCRIMMAGE]COWBOY 1: YOU GUYS ARE TOAST.COWBOY 2: YEAH, WE'RE GONNA POUND YOUR HEADS .CARTMAN: WE'LL JT SEE ABOUT THAT.KYLE: SET, SET. [CARTMAN FARTS LONG AND NASTY. KYLE QUICKLY RETREATS] DAMN CARTMAN!CHEF: WHAT'S THE MATTER?KYLE: CARTMAN FARTED!CARTMAN: NO I DIDN'T. THAT WAS JT MY SHO.CHEF: COME ON, COWS. WE'LL GET A LAY OF GAME PENALTY.KYLE: NO WAY DU!CHEF: HIKE THE BALL.KYLE: [BACK POSN, WH HIS SHIRT VERG HIS NOSE.] AH, DU, WEAK.CARTMAN: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET BACK THERE.KYLE: HUT.FRANK: THE BALL IS SNAPPED. MIDDLE PARK BLZ. [SCREAMG AS KYLE IS TACKLED] FUMBLE, MIDDLE PARK GETS THE BALL. THEY N FOR A TOUCHDOWN! THE SRE IS 7-NOTHG MIDDLE PARK, WH 14:57 REMAG THE FIRST QUARTER.JIMBO: HELL'S BELLS.FRANK: WHY, I HAVEN'T SEEN A BEATG LIKE THAT SCE RODNEY KG.PHIL: [QUICKLY VERS THE MIKE] NOW FRANK, THAT'S NOT VERY PC. YOU'RE GONNA GET TROUBLE AGA.FRANK: RIGHT, RIGHT, UH. I GOTTA WATCH THAT.TOWNSMAN 1: WE LOSE OUR MONEY 'E OF YOUR NEPHEW, WE'RE GONNA HANG YOU UP TO DRY, JIMBO.JIMBO: DON'T Y'ALL WORRY, YOU JT WA TILL HALFTIME, HEHE.[BIG GAY AL'S DANCE FLOOR]VOLIST: .. BE GAY.STAN: [DANCG WH A MONKEY, THEN SE SPARKY] SPARKY! HIYA SPARKY, HOW'S GO'?SPARKY: RUFF.STAN: I MISSED YOU OLD PAL, YOU REALLY HAD ME SRED.SPARKY: BARR.STAN: COME ON, LET'S GO HOME. I N STILL MAKE TIME FOR THE GAME. [SPARKY FOLLOWS STAN] WE N WORK ON MAKG YOU NOT GAY TOGETHER. [SPARKY STOPS AND SS] SPARKY?BIG GAY AL: YOUNG MAN, APPEARS YOU STILL DON'T UNRSTAND.STAN: WHAT DON'T I UNRSTAND?BIG GAY AL: COME THIS WAY, I HAVE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHG.[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, SEND QUARTER]FRANK: WH JT OVER A MUTE TO GO THE HALF THE SRE IS MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS 52, SOUTH PARK COWS 0.KYLE: HUT, HUT. [CARTMAN SNAPS THE BALL TO KYLE. THE COWBOYS BLZ. KYLE FLIPS THE BALL BACK TO PIP, WHO IS STILL WHOUT A HELMET. THE COWBOYS PLAYERS SCEND ON HIM AS SOON AS HE TCH THE BALL]FRANK: OH NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN AN ENGLISHMAN TAKE A BLOW LIKE THAT SCE HUGH GRANT.PHIL: [MUFFLG FRANK] DU! NOW THAT IS NOT OL.FRANK: SORRY, SORRY.[BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI]BIG GAY AL: OKAY STAN, I THK YOU SHOULD GET LE FOR MY BIG GAY BOAT RI. [STAN LOOKS AT THE BOAT] STEP ABOARD, STANLEY. [DO SO, WH SPARKY] HELLO EVERYONE, AND WELE ABOARD THE BIG GAY BOAT RI. ON THIS ADVENTURE WE'LL BE SEEG THE WORLD OF GAYNS THROUGHOUT TIME.[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. SOUTH PARK'S FAL DRIVE BEFORE THE HALFTIME SHOW]FRANK: AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS ARE SET TO RECEIVE... [COWBOYS KICK OFF] THERE'S THE KICK. IT'S TAKEN BY NUMBER 23, KENNY MCCORMICK. [WEAV THROUGH THE SPECIAL TEAMS] HE'S AT THE 50, THE 40, THE 30.COWBOYS: HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM! [TWO OF THEM TAKE HOLD OF KENNY'S ARMS] HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM!COWBOY: YAAAH! [A THIRD COWBOY DIV , TAKG KENNY'S HEAD OFF, AS THE OTHER TWO SEVER KENNY'S ARMS.]FRANK: THE NNG BACK IS DOWN. I THK HE'S... [RATS E TO VOUR KENNY'S RPSE.] Y, HE'S BEEN PATED.KYLE: WHA-? OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!PHIL: THAT'S GOTTA HURT, FRANK.FRANK: HOW TEE!CHEF: HEY, E ON. THAT WAS ROUGHG. AT LEAST LET SCRAPE HIM OFF THE FIELD.FRANK: LOOKS LIKE THE SOUTH PARK COWS AREN'T EVEN GONNA BEAT THE 72 POT SPREAD. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.[BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI]BIG GAY AL: YOU SEE, GAYNS HAS EXISTED SCE THE BEGNG OF TIME. FROM THE EGYPTIAN PHARAOHS, TO THE SHOGUNS OF JAPAN. [THEY CROSS SWORDS] UH OH, LOOK OUT, 'S THE OPPRSORS. CHRISTIANS AND REPUBLINS AND NAZIS, OH MY! [FIR OFF A SHOT WH HIS REVOLVER] OHHH! OH GOD, THAT WAS CLOSE. OKAY, LET'S STEER OUR BIG GAY BOAT OUT OF HERE AND TO A PLACE WHERE GAYS ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE EELY. [DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A SCENE RIGHT OUT OF 'IT'S A SMALL WORLD.']BOAT RI SGERS:WE'RE ALL GAY, AND 'S OKAY'CSE GAY MEANS HAPPY AND HAPPY MEANS GAY.WE'RE NOT SAD ANYMORE, E WE'RE OUT THE CLOSET DOOR.IT'S OKAY, HEY, TO BE GAY!BIG GAY AL: SOOO, WHAT DO YOU THK STAN? [IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY...]STAN: THIS KICKS ASS! I'M SORRY I TRIED TO CHANGE YOU SPARK, I JT DIDN'T UNRSTAND. [IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY. SHALALA WAYLAYLAY SHALALA WAYLAYLAY IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY.]BIG GAY AL: ISN'T THIS PREC?[SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD. HALFTIME]FRANK: AND NOW, HERE TO SG THE TOUCHG SONG, LOVG YOU IS THE ONE AND ONLY, JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER...JIMBO: ALRIGHT RICHARD!RICHARD: [MIC STARTS UP]LOVG YOUIS EASY E YOU'RE BETIFUL-DOO-N-DOO--DOO-DOOOO--AAAAA! [HIS VOICE CRACKS AND THE MIC STOPS]AAAAA!JIMBO: WHAT THE HELL?!RICHARD: AAAAA! [HIS VOICE WAVERS]JIMBO: HE DIDN'T SG THE HIGH F.MR. GARRISON: RICHARD STAMOS N'T SG A HIGH F, HE ALWAYS SCREWS UP LIKE THIS.JIMBO: NED, WE ARE GOG TO GET OUR ASS KICKED.RICHARD: LALALALALA...MR. GARRISON: IT'S OBV WHERE ALL THE TALENT THAT FAY WENT![OUTSI OF BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY]STAN: THANKS FOR EVERYTHG BIG GAY AL!SPARKY: RUFF!BIG GAY AL: NO PROBLEM KIDS. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA STAY FOR SOME TOASTED CHEE SANDWICH?STAN: NO THANKS, I'VE GOTTA GET BACK FOR THE BIG FOOTBALL GAME. COME ON BOY! [THEY START TO WALK OFF]BIG GAY AL: OH STAN? [THEY HALT] WHEN YOU GET BACK TO TOWN, [EARNT MIC PLAYS] TELL THEM ABOUT , WILL YOU? TELL THEM THERE ARE GAY ANIMALS HERE WHO NEED HOM, SPERATELY.STAN: I WILL BIG GAY AL, I WILL. [THEY PART]BIG GAY AL: [BELL DGS] OOH, MY RROT KE! [SH SI][SOUTH PARK FOOTBALL FIELD, FOURTH QUARTER]KYLE: HIKE!FRANK: AND THE SOUTH PARK COWS ARE BEG ABSOLUTELY MOLTED BYMIDDLE PARK. I HAVEN'T SEEN SO MANY CHILDREN MOLTED SCE...MR. GARRISON: I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEATG THE SPREAD WAS A SURE THG JIMBO.MR. HAT: YEAH, WE ALL PUT OUR LIFE SAVGS THIS GAME.TOWNSMAN: YOU'RE A AD MAN JIMBO [A HAIL OF FOOD PRODUCTS IS THROWN AT JIMBO.]FRANK: WELL, THIS SHOULD JT ABOUT WRAP UP FOR- [STAN AND SPARKY E ON TO THE FIELD.] WA A MUTE, WHAT'S THIS?JIMBO: YEAH!!!CROWD MEMBER: YOHOOOOH.FRANK: IT'S STAN, THE SOUTH PARK STAR QUARTERBACK!CHEF: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN STAN?!STAN: I'VE BEEN GETTG MY BT IEND BACK.CHEF: JT GET THERE BOY!JIMBO: GIVE 'EM HELL STANLEY! [STAN TAK HIS PLACE] J, NOW I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU FOR MUCH, BUT ALL WE NEED IS ONE LTLE SRE.PLEASE? PLEASE, J?J: [ THE FIRST ROW] LEAVE ME ALONE.STAN: HIKE!FRANK: STAN HIK THE BALL. HE STEPS BACK TO PASS.KYLE: HEY STAN, AH- I'M OPEN, I THK.STAN: MPH. [THROWS BALL]FRANK: AND HE THROWS TO KYLE, THE LTLE JEWISH KID.KYLE: OOF. [NS TOWARDS THE END ZONE, PANTG, COWBOYS HOT ON HIS TRAIL.]FRANK: OH MY! I HAVEN'T SEEN A JEW N LIKE THAT SCE POLAND, 1938!PHIL: DU! [FRANK REILS. THE CROWD CHEERS AS KYLE SR]FRANK: TOUCHDOWN!JIMBO: YEAH!MR. GARRISON: WOOO!FRANK: THE CLOCK NS OUT AND THE FAL SRE IS MIDDLE PARK COWBOYS 73, SOUTH PARK COWS 6. SOUTH PARK BEATS THE SPREAD! [SWATS HIS MIKE AWAY]JIMBO: YEAH! WOOHOO![POSTGAME PRS NFERENCE. STAN GETS ON STAGE BY SREBOARD]TOWNSMAN: SPEECH!FRANK: STAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT THIS STUNNG ALMOST VICTORY?STAN: UH. IT, 'S REALLY OL THAT WE BEAT THE SPREAD AGAST THE COWBOYS.CROWD: YEAH, ALRIGHT!STAN: AND MAYBE - WE N BEAT 'EM EVEN MORE NEXT YEAR!CROWD: WOOOO!STAN: AND 'S OKAY TO BE GAY! [THE CROWD FALLS SILENT]JIMBO: WHAT?!STAN: BEG GAY IS JT PART OF NATURE, AND A BETIFUL THG.MR. GARRISON: WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKG ABOUT?!FRANK: UHH, STANLEY, YOU ARRIVED VERY LATE THE GAME, WHERE WEREYOU THAT WHOLE TIME?STAN: I WAS WH MY NEW IEND, BIG GAY AL. HE SHOWED ME HIS BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY, AND TOOK ME ON A BIG GAY BOAT RI, WHERE I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THE WONRS OF GAIETY. [THE CROWD LOOKS AT STAN DISBELIEF] IT'S TE, I'LL SHOW YOU.[AT THE SE OF BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY. THERE IS NOTHG TO BE SEEN]STAN: BUT WAS HERE. IT WAS ALL RIGHT HERE. THE, THERE WAS A TECHNO DANCE CLUB.CARTMAN: STAN, YOU NEED TO LAY OFF THE UGH SYP, ALRIGHT,SERLY. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU MAN. [MISSG ANIMALS SUDNLY APPEAR]TOWNSWOMAN: OLIVER, I THOUGHT YOU RAN AWAY ALL THOSE MONTHS AGO.TOWNSPERSON 1: SIDNEY!TOWNSPERSON 2: WILLY!TOWNSPERSON 3: CARLOS!BIG GAY AL: [SUDNLY AT STANLEY'S SI] I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRGG EVERYBODY HERE.STAN: OH, THERE YOU ARE DU. HOW'S GOG?BIG GAY AL: I'M SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKG. IT LOOKS LIKE NOW MY WORK HERE IS DONE. [POPS HIS SUSE OPEN AND CLIMBS TO ] GOODBYE STANLEY, PEACE BE WH YOU. [PRS A BUTTON, AND THE SUSE CLOS]STAN: WOW! [THE SUSE FLI OFF.]RICHARD: YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS! I N DO .MR. GARRISON: DO WHAT?RICHARD:LOVG YOUIS EASY E YOU'RE BETIFULDOO-NN-DOO-NN-DOO-DOOOJIMBO: NO!RICHARD: AAAHENRIQUE: MROO- [BOOM!]EMBEDCANCELHOW TO FORMAT LYRICS:TYPE OUT ALL LYRICS, EVEN REPEATG SONG PARTS LIKE THE CHOSLYRICS SHOULD BE BROKEN DOWN TO DIVIDUAL LUSE SECTN HEARS ABOVE DIFFERENT SONG PARTS LIKE [VERSE], [CHOS], ETC.USE ALICS (<I>LYRIC</I>) AND BOLD (<B>LYRIC</B>) TO DISTGUISH BETWEEN DIFFERENT VOLISTS THE SAME SONG PARTIF YOU DON’T UNRSTAND A LYRIC, E [?]TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT OUR TRANSCRIPTN GUI OR VIS OUR TRANSCRIBERS FOMABOUTTHIS SONG B IS UNREVIEWEDGENI ANNOTATN1 NTRIBUTORIT’S ABOUT CAILLOU GO' ON A BIG GAY BOAT RI- ;-;EXPAND SHAREASK A QUTN ABOUT THIS SONGASK A QUTN *‌WHEN DID SOUTH PARK RELEASE “BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI”?SEASON 1 (1997)SOUTH PARK1. CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE2. WEIGHT GA 40003. VOLNO4. BIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RI5. AN ELEPHANT MAK LOVE TO A PIG6. DEATH7. PKEYE8. STARV’ MARV9. MR. HANKEY, THE CHRISTMAS POO10. DAMIEN11. TOM’S RHOPLASTY12. MECHA-STREISAND13. CARTMAN’S MOM IS A DIRTY SLUTCOMME C’T DUR D’êTRE JUIF à NOëLNOW YOU’RE A MANWA’ ON A WOMANNO SUBSTUTETHE LONELY JEW ON CHRISTMASDREIL, DREIL, DREILOH KATHIE LEEORIGSTHERE YOU ARE!WE’RE ALL SPECIALLOVE GRAVYHOT LAVASANTA CLS IS ON HIS WAYMAKE LOVE, EVEN WHEN I’M DEADCREDSFEATURGMATT STONE & TREY PARKERRELEASE DATESEPTEMBER 3, 1997TAGSNON-MICTVSCREENEXPAND COMMENTSADD A MENTSIGN UP AND DROP KNOWLEDGE ?GENI IS THE ULTIMATE SOURCE OF MIC KNOWLEDGE, CREATED BY SCHOLARS LIKE YOU WHO SHARE FACTS AND SIGHT ABOUT THE SONGS AND ARTISTS THEY LOVE.SIGN UPGENI IS THE WORLD’S BIGGT LLECTN OF SONG LYRICS AND MIL KNOWLEDGE

Gay people are evil.

Hey, speakg of poundg ass, here Stan's ltle homo dog.

SOUTH PARK: BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RIDE (TV)

Man, that is the gayt dog I have ever seen. Now, don't be gay. Don't be gay, Spark.

SOUTH PARK SEASON 1 EPISO 4: "BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOAT RI" QUOT

Don't be gay.

He still looks pretty gay to me. [they lgh] Stupid ltle gay dog.

Who r if your dog is gay? No way du, my mom says God hat gay people. (I thk that Garrison said that gay people suck.

BIG GAY AL

Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky don't seem evil. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.

BIG GAY ALS BIG GAY BOAT RI CROSSWORD CLUE

My son, a lot of people have wonred what my stance on homosexualy is. I don't want a gay dog!

I jt, I n't ncentrate 'e my dog is gay. Well, you know what they say: you n't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

TREY PARKER: STAN MARSH, ERIC CARTMAN, CLY, BILL, FOSSE, MR. GARRISON, BOOKIE, MAN CROWD #1, MAN CROWD #2, MAN CROWD #3, NED GERBLANSKI, ROBERT, TV ANNOUNCER #2, CARL, BIG GAY AL, FRANK HAMMOND, RICHARD STAMOS, PET-OWNER #3

Well, you're gay aren't you?

I am not gay. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Big Gay Al.

Hello there ltle pup, I'm Big Gay Al. Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.

GAY MOSW MOSW CY GUI

We're all big gay iends here. Stan follows his dog's footprts and fds himself facg Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.

My gay dog ran away and I was wonrg if maybe he me here. Do you have lots of gay dogs here? We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's.