When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN
• CAN I MARRY A WOMAN AS A GAY MAN?
• HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

But I certaly didn’t want to marry a gay man. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

There were issu wh him om the start, but nothg to make me thk that he might be gay. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. I thought, “How uld he be gay?

GAY MAN REVEALS WHY HE LOV BEG MARRIED TO A WOMAN

Gay men have gaydar. The bottom le is, he was actively gay.

CAN I MARRY A WOMAN AS A GAY MAN?

Beg gay back then was really hard. I had a lot of gay iends California.

On the east ast where we were, beg gay was still really hidn. There were a lot of obstacl to beg gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

HERE’S WHAT LIFE IS LIKE WHEN YOU’RE GAY BUT MARRY HETERO

So even though Robert lied to me about beg gay, I did unrstand why he did .

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. That’s how is for gay men straight marriag. He was also very homophobic, makg fun of effemate men.

Over the years, I’ve found that a lot of gay men do that.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open. And if you’re not gay, why do you re about ? Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act?

I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg. I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. I really thought that people n choose to be straight or gay.