'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• CALIFORNIA VOTERS WILL BE ASKED TO REAFFIRM GAY MARRIAGE PROTECTNS ON 2024 BALLOT
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• WHEN HOLLYWOOD STUDS MARRIED OFF GAY STARS TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALY A SECRET
• GAY MARRIAGE: CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
• INSI THE EVANGELIL FIGHT OVER GAY MARRIAGE
• GAY MARRIAGE: OUR MUTUAL JOY
• CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• GAY MARRIAGE, OTHER RIGHTS AT RISK AFTER U.S. SUPREME COURT ABORTN MOVE
• SLI SHOW: GAY MARRIAGE ON THE NEW YORKER’S COVER

CALIFORNIA VOTERS WILL BE ASKED TO REAFFIRM GAY MARRIAGE PROTECTNS ON 2024 BALLOT

Californians will vote on a proposal to amend the state Constutn on the 2024 ballot to reaffirm gay marriage rights — a ut move that amid natnal anxiety after recent lgs by the nservative-leang U. Although there is no current threat to the legaly of gay marriage, and Print Bin signed a bill safeguardg last year, the Democratic-domant state Legislature is seekg to remove language om California’s Constutn that still f marriage as between a man and outdated state fn has been emed unenforceable and unnstutnal thanks to feral law, but LGBTQ advocy groups are askg voters to repeal and amend the California Constutn to stead explicly state that marriage is “a fundamental right. Gav Newsom was out of state, Senate lear Toni Atks (D-San Diego) signed bills to law on his behalf as the first out gay actg ernor.

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

As of 2020, the most recent year for which there is data, more than 42, 000 gay upl England and Wal had tied the knot.

WHEN HOLLYWOOD STUDS MARRIED OFF GAY STARS TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALY A SECRET

) Pollg June found that more than three-quarters of Brons now support gay marriage, up om jt over half 2012. It end Sectn 28, which prevented schools and lol thori om “promotg homosexualy” and troduced civil partnerships. Gay marriag beme not an abstract threat but somethg unrtaken by iends, lleagu, neighbours.

GAY MARRIAGE: CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

Gordon Brown, Mr Cameron’s precsor, opposed gay marriage office bee was “timately bound up wh qutns of relig eedom”.

Though Bra was not the first to legalise , 19 other untri have sce given gay marriage their blsg. But has led to a of eccliastil disrd as liberal members of the church argue for the right to perform or partake gay marriag. A group of mps led by Ben Bradshaw, a gay Anglin, is lookg at ways to amend the legislatn to allow willg prits and parish to take part, which they argue uld also help boost dwdlg numbers the aisl.

INSI THE EVANGELIL FIGHT OVER GAY MARRIAGE

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

GAY MARRIAGE: OUR MUTUAL JOY

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg. I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay.

GAY MARRIAGE, OTHER RIGHTS AT RISK AFTER U.S. SUPREME COURT ABORTN MOVE

I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to .

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Queerns uld be appreciated on stage, but the every day liv of major stars was often hidn sham unns known as "lavenr marriag, " acrdg to Stephen Tropiano, profsor of Screen Studi at Itha College and thor of The Prime Time Closet: A History of Gays and Lbians on marriag were arranged by Hollywood studs between one or more gay, lbian or bisexual people orr to hi their sexual orientatn om the public.

They date back to the early 20th century and rried on past the gay liberatn movement of the 1960s. Bowers’ acunt tails sexual enunters, gay and straight, that he claims he both arranged and took part , begng wrote that he had been sexually volved wh leadg actor Cary Grant and his roommate, Randolph Stt, for more than a .

SLI SHOW: GAY MARRIAGE ON THE NEW YORKER’S COVER

They married 1955 and separated two years later, after mors of his homosexualy and fily began to pile up. Bettmann Archive/Getty ImagRock Hudson and his bri Phyllis Gat at their 1955 gay actors chose to live openly, spe the risk. Lavenr marriag beme ls prevalent the 1960s and ‘70s as the gay rights movement gaed momentum followg the Stonewall Rts of 1969.

Although reprentatn film and on televisn was still srce, the actual liv of the stars on screen—straight, gay or bisexual—weren’t dictated by studs as much as they had been the past. Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love. There are more than 60 untri wh laws that crimalise same-sex sexual acts acrdg to the Internatnal Lbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Associatn, cludg Sdi Arabia.

'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022. Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife. The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage".