'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• CALIFORNIA VOTERS WILL BE ASKED TO REAFFIRM GAY MARRIAGE PROTECTNS ON 2024 BALLOT
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• WHEN HOLLYWOOD STUDS MARRIED OFF GAY STARS TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALY A SECRET
• GAY MARRIAGE: CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
• INSI THE EVANGELIL FIGHT OVER GAY MARRIAGE
• GAY MARRIAGE: OUR MUTUAL JOY
• CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• GAY MARRIAGE, OTHER RIGHTS AT RISK AFTER U.S. SUPREME COURT ABORTN MOVE
• SLI SHOW: GAY MARRIAGE ON THE NEW YORKER’S COVER

CALIFORNIA VOTERS WILL BE ASKED TO REAFFIRM GAY MARRIAGE PROTECTNS ON 2024 BALLOT

Californians will vote on a proposal to amend the state Constutn on the 2024 ballot to reaffirm gay marriage rights — a ut move that amid natnal anxiety after recent lgs by the nservative-leang U. Although there is no current threat to the legaly of gay marriage, and Print Bin signed a bill safeguardg last year, the Democratic-domant state Legislature is seekg to remove language om California’s Constutn that still f marriage as between a man and outdated state fn has been emed unenforceable and unnstutnal thanks to feral law, but LGBTQ advocy groups are askg voters to repeal and amend the California Constutn to stead explicly state that marriage is “a fundamental right.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Gav Newsom was out of state, Senate lear Toni Atks (D-San Diego) signed bills to law on his behalf as the first out gay actg ernor. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye. Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay.

A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay.

WHEN HOLLYWOOD STUDS MARRIED OFF GAY STARS TO KEEP THEIR SEXUALY A SECRET

Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. (If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this.

GAY MARRIAGE: CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

As of 2020, the most recent year for which there is data, more than 42, 000 gay upl England and Wal had tied the knot. ) Pollg June found that more than three-quarters of Brons now support gay marriage, up om jt over half 2012.

It end Sectn 28, which prevented schools and lol thori om “promotg homosexualy” and troduced civil partnerships. Gay marriag beme not an abstract threat but somethg unrtaken by iends, lleagu, neighbours.

INSI THE EVANGELIL FIGHT OVER GAY MARRIAGE

Gordon Brown, Mr Cameron’s precsor, opposed gay marriage office bee was “timately bound up wh qutns of relig eedom”. Though Bra was not the first to legalise , 19 other untri have sce given gay marriage their blsg.

But has led to a of eccliastil disrd as liberal members of the church argue for the right to perform or partake gay marriag. A group of mps led by Ben Bradshaw, a gay Anglin, is lookg at ways to amend the legislatn to allow willg prits and parish to take part, which they argue uld also help boost dwdlg numbers the aisl. I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

GAY MARRIAGE: OUR MUTUAL JOY

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay.

CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR

Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.

GAY MARRIAGE, OTHER RIGHTS AT RISK AFTER U.S. SUPREME COURT ABORTN MOVE

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg.

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to .

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. Queerns uld be appreciated on stage, but the every day liv of major stars was often hidn sham unns known as "lavenr marriag, " acrdg to Stephen Tropiano, profsor of Screen Studi at Itha College and thor of The Prime Time Closet: A History of Gays and Lbians on marriag were arranged by Hollywood studs between one or more gay, lbian or bisexual people orr to hi their sexual orientatn om the public. They date back to the early 20th century and rried on past the gay liberatn movement of the 1960s.

SLI SHOW: GAY MARRIAGE ON THE NEW YORKER’S COVER

Bowers’ acunt tails sexual enunters, gay and straight, that he claims he both arranged and took part , begng wrote that he had been sexually volved wh leadg actor Cary Grant and his roommate, Randolph Stt, for more than a . They married 1955 and separated two years later, after mors of his homosexualy and fily began to pile up.

Bettmann Archive/Getty ImagRock Hudson and his bri Phyllis Gat at their 1955 gay actors chose to live openly, spe the risk.