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I am a gay man my late 50s and have never been a relatnship. I am so lonely, and the paful empts I feel is beg absolutely unbearable.

Contents:

SAVAGE LOVE: I AM A LONELY, AGG GAY MAN; WHAT SHOULD I DO?

* old gay lonely *

” Durg his rearch, Hobb found that, spe growg legal and social acceptance, a worryg percentage of gay men still stggle wh prsn, anxiety and suicidal iatn. “LAG isn’t the only gay guy who has aged out of the bar scene—so have I—and stggl to fd sex and pannship away om alhol and right swip, ” said Hobb.

Part of realizg you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-bary, or anythg other than cisgenr and heterosexual is acceptg you’re different—and somewhat separated—om the majory. At the time, there were no real gay role mols except for Graham Norton and Jack om Dawson's Creek—and I certaly didn't intify wh him bee I wasn't a football player. AdvertisementSKIP ADVERTISEMENTCivil Shenlman/Queer Lens PhotographyMarch 19, 2013Every other Tuday, Steven Petrow, the thor of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lbian Manners, ” (Workman, 2011), addrs qutns about gay and straight etiquette for a boomer-age dience.

Send qutns for Civil Behavr to Dear Civil Behavr: Your ment a recent lumn about gays at midlife fdg themselv “sudnly visible — aged out by the young, rtls and betiful” ronated loudly wh me.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Advice on how to nont ageism the gay muny spe earlier loss and how to avoid beg alone. * old gay lonely *

” The abily to lgh — and lgh at ourselv — is key to our, there are some unual and disproportnate challeng to agg wh the gay muny that your experienc highlight. (This might also help expla why the suatn is more difficult for gay men than is for lbians: The study I noted prevly showed that lbians “tend to have works that were more rilient and showed ls fluctuatn rponse to chang wh agg, ” probably bee their support works were not nearly as vastated by H. As a 30-year-old posted on my Facebook page rponse to your qutn, “I fd havg iends who are gay and olr helps me learn about the gay muny’s past stggl and tly unrstand where we have e om, where we are now, and where we’re gog as a society.

A GAY MAN AT MIDLIFE PONRS BEG LONELY AND ‘INVISIBLE’

is a muny for olr gay men and the men who love them. * old gay lonely *

Above all, try to remember we’re lucky we’ve gotten to see and live through our middle years; so many of our loved on did different do you thk agg our society is for gays vers straights? ” Durg his rearch, Hobb found that, spe growg legal and social acceptance, a worryg percentage of gay men still stggle wh prsn, anxiety, and suicidal iatn.

However, I am highlightg this fact bee I know is easier to make change when we acknowledge paful 's start by reviewg some of the rearch on gay people. Amic journals n be credibly borg so let me give you the brief highlights:Rearch shows: Gay men have fewer close iends than straight people or gay women. Like, for example, when we are 10 or 11 years old and velop a csh on our male gym you fally do e out as an adult and fd other gay men, you may notice that that the gay bar scene or the gay datg app experience isn't always so warm, iendly, and acceptg.

GAY, MIDDLE-AGED, AND LONELY AS HELL

That's a further recipe for lonels and men do not show up at my office sayg "I feel bad about myself bee I have been margalized as gay person growg up my fay and muny.

Validatg this fairly universal experience of growg up gay is an important first step the healg Path om LonelsSo what do we do about gay adult lonels? There's a lot we n 's the very bt tip to overe gay lonels once you ci you are ready to tackle this challenge:I want to ask you to jo a gay group that meets once per week. BLUM, MFT, is a licensed psychotherapist and the founr of the Gay Therapy Center, which specializ relatnship and self-teem issu for LGBTQ people.

ON BEG OLR, GAY, SGLE, MALE AND LONELY: PART 2

The generatn has grown up around and most likely been subject to discrimatn due to their sexualy, pecially nsirg the fact that was illegal to be gay until 1967.

“Historilly, a lot of the people grew up around the Aids and HIV era where gay people weren't given the easit of tim, ” Craig tells the Manchter Eveng News.

The group, which Alan Bent is a patron of, have most recently been able to talk wh Olivier Award-wng actor David Bella, ITV Calendar prenter Gaynor Barn, and actor Christopher Biggs.

SO GAY = OLD AND LONELY?

To vtigate the realy behd the stereotype I reviewed 19 books published between 1996 and 2014, all of which al whole and part wh sexualy gay men 50 years of age or olr. Individual experienc vary, of urse, but many gay men have good relatnships wh their children and, turn, wh their grandchildren. ” This stigma is pronounced the gay muny, given s emphasis on youth and physil bety men who bought to the nventnal standards of gay attractivens, agg n be terrifyg.

Gay men, like creasg numbers of persons the general populatn, are shiftg their views of agg towards seeg as potentially full and rich. In addn to ncerns about HIV, gay men are subject to the ills the flh is heir to: heart disease, ncer, arthris and other diseas.

In one study almost 40% of gay men over 50 acknowledged sexual difficulti a typil year, wh two–thirds of the problems stemmg om blogil . Instead of a quick asm, gay men this age group reach for what one thor lls, “passn, creativy, and patience” their sexual life. Formerly rtricted to cisg on the street, pickg up men bars, and havg anonymo sex bathho, gay men are now explorg the Inter.

GAY PEOPLE 'AT RISK OF A LONELIER OLD AGE'

Brian’s webse is He tends to expand his theraptic reach by terviewg gay men who are dog well their liv, sexually and otherwise. Contug om last week’s show, Gregg and lol therapist, Frankl Abbott, discs the stggl the agg gay populatn enunter a society that seems to value youth over everythg else. Also on the show is the owner of one of the most popular gay bars Atlanta – a place that n be que timidatg for an olr gay man lookg to make a nnectn.

He se the men his bar every night and regularly schools his staff on what the men have gone through growg up a much more homophobic society than exists today.

Acrdg to a 2011 natnal health study -thored by the Center for Amerin Progrs and Servic and Advocy for Gay, Lbian, Bisexual, and Transgenr Elrs (SAGE), more than half of LGBT rponnts have been told by a doctor that they have prsn; 39 percent have serly ntemplated suici; and 53 percent feel isolated om others. "This generatn me of age when homosexualy was nsired crimal, a form of mental illns, or a secury risk, " says Brian De Vri, a profsor of gerontology at San Francis State Universy. In a 2014 study -thored by De Vri, of 400 midlife and olr gay men and lbians surveyed, about one-third mataed some fear of openly disclosg their sexual orientatn.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* OLD GAY LONELY

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class="sub-right"><span class="sub-msage">It’s Boston lol news one ncise, fun and rmative email</span><span class="sub-succs dn">Thank you! You have been subscribed to WBUR Today.</span><span class="sub-error dn">We were unable to subscribe you to WBUR Today. You n try<!-- --> <a href="/newsletters">subscribg here</a> or try aga later.</span></div></div></div></div></hear><article class="article" data-rid="21035" data-rtype="story"><div id="gtm-visibily-50" class="gtm-pixel"></div><div id="gtm-visibily-75" class="gtm-pixel"></div><div id="gtm-visibily-100" class="gtm-pixel"></div><sectn class="sectn--bo sectn--bp sectn--first sectn--learboard"><div class="uw bp--rponsive"><div class="bp-ner"><p class="bp-label">Advertisement</p><div class="bp-ntent bp-ntent--centered"><div style="width:300px;height:50px"></div></div></div></div></sectn><hear class="article-sectn--tle article-sectn--island"><div class="article-actn"><h1 class="article-hdr">Out, Proud And Old: LGBT Senrs More Likely To Age Alone</h1></div><div class="article-meta"><span class="article-meta-em--date"><span tle="Friday, January 2nd 2015, 9:07:41 am">January 02, 2015</span></span><ul class="article-meta-em--thorlist article-meta-group"><li class="article-meta-em article-meta-em--thor"><a class="article-meta-lk article-meta-em--thor" href="/si/staff/jsi-alpert">Jsi Alpert</a></li></ul><div class="article-share article-share-ins"><a href=" & target="_blank" rel="noreferrer" class="article-share-lk" tle="Share on Facebook"><svg class="in in-facebook" viewBox="0 0 128 128" role="img" width="24" aria-labelledby="tle"><tle id="tle">facebook</tle><path display="le" d="M120.1,0H8.2c-4.4,0-8,3.6-8,8v112c0,4.4,3.6,8,8,8h60.4V78.2h-16V59.8h16V43.9 c0-14.6,8.9-24.3,26.4-24.3c7.7,0,13.1,0.9,13.1,0.9V37h-12c-5.3,0-8,3-8,8.2v14.5h18.7l-2.7,18.4h-16v49.7h32c4.4,0,8-3.6,8-8V8 C128.1,3.6,124.5,0,120.1,0z"></path></svg></a><a href="mailto:?body=Out, Proud And Old: LGBT Senrs More Likely To Age Out, Proud And Old: LGBT Senrs More Likely To Age Alone" class="article-share-lk" tle="Share by email"><svg class="in in-email" viewBox="0 0 128 128" width="20" aria-labelledby="tle"><tle id="tle">Email</tle><path display="le" d="M64.2,86.3l-64-48V104c0,4.4,3.6,8,8,8h112c4.4,0,8-3.6,8-8V38.4L64.2,86.3z M64.2,72l64-48 c0-4.4-3.6-8-8-8H8.2c-4.4,0-8,3.6-8,8L64.2,72z"></path></svg></a></div></div></hear><div class="article-sectns"><sectn class="article-sectn--ntent hang-punctuatn article-sectn--first article-sectn--centered"><p class=""><strong>By Jsi Alpert</strong></p><p class="">Marguerte Wilks was, as she lik to say, "born, bred, and buttered" Manhattan's Sugar Hill neigborhood, a northern sectn of Harlem.  Wilks remembers that she me out to her fay when she was krgarten: "My brother lled me an early bloomer."</p><p class="">Her fay didn't really know how to rpond to her homosexualy and so they jt "played by ear."  As she found support iendships throughout middle and high school, her relatnship wh fay terrated. Now, at age 66, Wilks has no ntact wh her fay.  "They thk somethg is wrong wh me," she sighs.</p><p class="">Recent analys suggt that there are at least 1.5 ln lbian, gay, bisexual, and transgenr (LGBT) Amerins over the age of 60.  The numbers are based on an timate om <a href=">UCLA's Williams Instute on Sexual Orientatn and the Law </a>which has lculated that approximately 3.8 percent of Amerins intify as LGBT.</p><p class="">LGBT elrs al wh signifint enomic and health dispari as pared wh heterosexual senrs. <a href=">Acrdg to a 2011 natnal health study </a> -thored by the Center for Amerin Progrs and Servic and Advocy for Gay, Lbian, Bisexual, and Transgenr Elrs (SAGE), more than half of LGBT rponnts have been told by a doctor that they have prsn; 39 percent have serly ntemplated suici; and 53 percent feel isolated om others. Social isolatn remas a major issue as LGBT senrs are 3-4 tim ls likely to have children, twice as likely to live alone, and twice as likely to be sgle.</p><p class=""><a href=">Acrdg to a 2010 MetLife Study </a> of Boomers om the MetLife Mature Market Instute, about 42% of the LGBT populatn intified their relatnship stat as sgle, far higher than the 27% of the general populatn. Like Marguerte Wilks, many LGBT senrs may also be tranged om their blogil fai.</p><p class="nt-medium">"This generatn me of age when homosexualy was nsired crimal, a form of mental illns, or a secury risk," says Brian De Vri, a profsor of gerontology at San Francis State Universy. "They don’t have the safety available to them that heterosexuals have."</p><p class=""><!--more--></p><p class="">A new program fund by the state of New York is lookg to fill some of those gaps.  SAGE and the Bronx-based Hebrew Home have e together to create SAGEDay, the first clive social adult day program for LGBT senrs the state.   "The needs are different and... we are able to produce programmg that builds a work of social support for participants given that many of them don’t have regivers and relatnships as relat to this age." says Doreen Bermuz, Program Manager for SAGEDay. "We are pneers of this re."</p><p class=""><strong>Out of the Closet and Right Back In</strong></p><p class="">Marguerte Wilks spent 20 years dog HIV unselg and referral at the Manhattan State Psychiatric Center.  "I had a long term partnership and was a productive member of society," she says.  But when she got sick, all of that changed.  In the days after the 9/11 attacks, Wilks worked wh the Manhattan Borough Print's staff to asss damag at Ground Zero.  "When [the asssments] first happened, we didn’t have any masks. We were there everyday." she says. Eight years later, she had an emergency aortic dissectn — somethg she believ was the rult of her work at Ground Zero. <strong>  </strong></p><p class="">Wh no partner, children, or fay to take re of her, Wilks was forced to move to a state-subsidized adult home. "I was very sick and this adult home they didn’t like gay folks and I uldn’t be who I was.  I had to go other plac to meet people who had the same thoughts as me.  I went om livg an pennt full life to beg back the closet."</p><p class="">Brian De Vri of San Francis State Universy says the stori are all too mon. In a 2014 study -thored by De Vri, <a href=">of 400 midlife and olr gay men and lbians surveyed</a><a href=">, </a>about one-third mataed some fear of openly disclosg their sexual orientatn. <a href=">A 2010 Williams Instute study reported that,</a> pared to LGBT persons unr the age of 30, those between the ag of 30 and 54 were at least 16 tim more likely to be ‘‘closeted’’ and those over the age of 55 are 83 tim more likely to be ‘‘closeted.’’</p><p class="nt-medium">"LGBT dividuals turned away om formal servic bee part, they were turned away" says De Vri.  This experience mak askg for help even more challengg as they age. Dpe some advanc and greater awarens of LGBT issu, De Vri, who is currently dog extensive rearch Palm Sprgs and San Francis, says his vtigatn fds that thgs aren't necsarily improvg across the board. "We hear particularly om olr transgenr people, horrible stori of how they’ve been treated by service provirs."</p><p class="">So how do you brg people back to the fold?</p><p class="nt-medium">"Outreach is a big part of this work," says Doreen Bermuz of SAGE. "We intify plac where we n e and talk to staff and are able to make nnectns to the agg work. We ve potential participants to a plimentary day jt for them to tt out." says Doreen Bermuz of SAGE.  But 's not whout s challeng.  Deborah Msa, Vice Print of Strategic Planng and Bs Development at the Hebrew Home adds that "this muny has been typilly is an isolatn we have to do ser work to munite that this is a safe space."</p><p class=""><strong>Sensivy Required</strong></p><p class="">Deborah Msa reports that the Hebrew Home's entire executive staff has been traed to be more sensive to the specific needs of LGBT elrly.  "We’re velopg a trag wh SAGE that will touch upon our le staff and is actually very prehensive and eye-openg. There was a lot of rmatn that I did not know even as someone who works wh the agg populatn...I had the notn not to ask qutns and now I realize people want to be able to self-intify and have their needs known."</p><p class="">De Vri mends SAGEDay but says there is more to nsir when LGBT senrs form part of a facily wh a heterosexual majory. "Here California and creasgly elsewhere around the untry, there is a mandate for provirs to have LGBT sensivy trag-- but that trag do not apply to other rints of the facili.  We have to remember that those dividuals [heterosexuals] me of age at the same time."</p><p class="">This history has given LGBT senrs gr, says De Vri.  <a href=">De Vri remembers a scene om Harvey Fierste's 1988 film "Torch Song Trilogy," </a> which the lead character Arnold (played by Fierste) has a fight wh his mother (played by Ann Bancroft) about her abily to accept his sexualy.  In a small apartment livg room, Arnold looks at his mother straight the eye. "I have tght myself to sew, ok, fix plumbg, build furnure... I n even pat myself on the back when so I don’t have to ask anyone for anythg. There’s nothg I need om anyone except for love and rpect…"  De Vri says this scene exemplifi a tra held by many LGBT senrs. "There is this crisis petence. By beg alone, the senrs have veloped strength and rilience and they're brgg that to their later years."</p><p class=""><strong>End of Life and AIDS</strong></p><p class="">This don't jt apply to gay people. De Vri says that more and more people are agg outsi of tradnal stctur, whout children and whout partners. "People are not gog to age the way their parents did — they are gog to expect different sorts of thgs" he says.</p><p class="">As a gay man, De Vri is particularly vted changg the way his muny approach end of life. "Heterosexuals tradnal fay settgs have others who will raise this issue whether they like or not," says De Vri.  "But here we are as gay men or lbians wh people we have chosen as our fay... so how n we troduce this discsn those settgs so we n be better prepared?"</p><p class="">To add more plexy, sometim that chosen fay may not be readily available.  "AIDS has bee salient once aga a way hasn't been for years," acrdg to De Vri.  "Especially when to olr gay n be re-trmatizg. Aga they are acutely aware of the people that they have that they would have otherwise lled for re."</p><p class="">SAGEDay is pafully aware of this realy and seeks to clu the nversatns their daily meetgs.  In addn to social activi, weekly yoga and tai chi, cultural programmg is a central part of the program.  "We create nnectns wh LGBT history," says Doreen Bermuz of SAGE. "We ask participants to reflect on their experience the past... orr to be able to acknowledge their place the muny."</p><p class="">SAGEDay, a Mediid-eligible program, has been fund for 18 months through a 1.1 ln dollar state grant.  The ia is to "tablish a social mol adult day re and provi trag and outreach to members of the managed long-term re muny," says Deborah Msa of the Hebrew Home. "It’s my hope that this type of sensivy trag is jt for now — and that we won't need this forever.”</p><p class=""><em><strong>Here & Now:</strong></em> <a href="/hereandnow/2015/01/02/lgbt-senr-hog">Ci Create Hog Specifilly for LGBT Senrs</a></p></sectn></div></article><sectn class="article-sectn--story-group article-sectn--centered"><div class="ntributor has-photo"><div class="ntributor-profile"><figure class="ntributor-profile-em ntributor-photo"><a href="/si/staff/jsi-alpert"><picture><img src=" class="lazy rd-image" alt=""/></picture></a></figure><p class="ntributor-profile-em ntributor-b"><a class="ntributor-name" href="/si/staff/jsi-alpert">Jsi Alpert</a> <span class="ntributor-tle">Managg Producer, Program Development</span><br/>Jsi Alpert is the managg producer for program velopment at WBUR. In this posn, she velops new podsts and programs while also lnchg and nurturg WBUR’s newt projects.</p><p class="ntributor-more"><a class="ntributor-lk ntributor-b-lk" href="/si/staff/jsi-alpert">More…</a></p></div></div></sectn><sectn class="sectn--bo sectn--bp"><div class="uw bp--rponsive"><div class="bp-ner"><p class="bp-label">Advertisement</p><div class="bp-ntent bp-ntent--centered"><div style="width:300px;height:50px"></div></div></div></div></sectn><div></div><div class="global-d-ponents onmand--is-playg"><div class="global-player"><d preload="to"></d><div class="global-player-bar"><div class="global-player-bar-left"><button class="global-player-bar-ntrol"><i class="in-play in-play--global-player-bar in-play--psed"><span class="in-play-shape"><span class="in-label" data-note="for-screen-rears">Rume</span></span></i></button><div class="global-player-label global-player-label--live"><div class="global-player-channel"><span>Listen Live</span></div><div class="global-player-tle"><a class="global-player-label-lk" href="/">Loadg...</a></div></div></div><div class="global-player-bar-right"><div class="global-player-x"><svg class="in in-close" viewBox="0 0 24 24" aria-labelledby="tle"><tle id="tle">Close .

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