'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• I MARRIED A GAY MAN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE
• HOW SHOULD A CHRISTIAN RPOND TO “GAY MARRIAGE”?
• 5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY
• HOW TO INTRODUCE A MARRIED GAY COUPLE

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well.

I MARRIED A GAY MAN

The cleart way to know if your hband is gay is if he tells you. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

Signs You Are Gay), that is when you n tly know that he is gay. Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye. Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay.

You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his. He viss gay bars claimg he's there only to hang out wh his gay iend(s).

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

He mak ntual homophobic ments or he mak too many gay ments nversatns. His ego appears to be boosted by pliments om gay men.

A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay. If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her. Some gay men believe that beg married n rid them of their homosexualy.

"It's nobody that I knew� was mostly oral sex� jt happened� At gay bars, there are back rooms wh hol the walls�" A wave of nsea swept over me as I listened to his agonized nfsn.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

At that moment, I felt as if I were standg alone the world, stripped of all digny, wh a big sign on me that read movie Brokeback Mounta turned a spotlight on gay men who lead double liv, havg sex wh other men while they are married to women. That means there are a large number of women who have no ia what their hband do perdilly see stori about married men public life who are gay or have been implited homosexual behavr—such as Senator Larry Craig (R—Idaho), who was arrted last summer for allegedly solicg a male police officer an airport bathroom, and former New Jersey ernor Jam McGreevey, who proclaimed that he was a "gay Amerin" when he announced his rignatn om office.

A GUI FOR GAY MEN ON BOTH OPEN AND MONOGAMO MARRIAGE

Bee I've lived are so many obv qutns for a wife like me: Didn't I realize he was gay? Early our relatnship, Chris told me he'd had homosexual experienc as a teenager but assured me was youthful cursy. I didn't thk there was anythg wrong wh beg gay—I have an openly gay .

But I also didn't believe that a gay man would ever be attracted to a straight woman, and I was naive—too naive to see why a homosexual man would marry and spend years lyg to his wife, his iends, his fay and begngI was a 19-year-old llege hman Kentucky when I met Chris. Chris's father was a Southern Baptist mister who preached fire and brimstone, and Chris was tght that beg gay was the ultimate s—an absolute sentence to unual thgs happened on our first date. Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me aga, sayg, "No matter what you hear, I'm not gay.

" In fact, I had heard other stunts say that everyone his aterny was gay. But the world we lived , people often claimed a guy was gay if he wasn't a jock or really macho, so I didn't want to judge someone bee of who his iends were and what he did. Bis, he'd taken a girl—me—out on a date, so how uld he be gay?

HOW SHOULD A CHRISTIAN RPOND TO “GAY MARRIAGE”?

At a party wh his work iends, I got to an argument wh a woman who'd been drkg, and she said, out of the blue, "Well, at least my hband's not gay. Later that eveng, when I told Chris what happened, he remd me that he'd always been teased about beg gay, but he assured me, "It's not te.

He beme fensive and announced, "I haven't gone to bed wh anybody, but I've been gog to gay bars. If anyone found out that Chris was gay, he uld be fired.

5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY

As ual, I didn't dwell on my emotns; I foced more on my fay's well-beg than on what the future might wonr why Chris uldn't accept his homosexualy, but the s factor was graed him at an early age. Beg gay would not only endanger his job and fay life, uld also st him his relatnship wh his parents, his church and God. Chris feared that g out would validate him as a human beg—and might even send him to therapist doubted the marriage uld survive, yet I was dited to our unn if Chris was termed not to be gay.

The therapist told Chris that he'd have to stop gog to gay bars, and we tried, aga, to start ah. It was the worst time of my only thg that saved my sany was the Straight Spoe Network, an ternatnal support group found by another woman who'd been married to a gay man.

I also learned that a surprisg number of gays the ary are married bee marriage is such a eful ont. You n't be gay the ary, and if you're married, then of urse you're not was still livg wh (sleepg the spare room) when, through SSN, I met my ultimate soul mate, a father of three who had been married to a lbian.

HOW TO INTRODUCE A MARRIED GAY COUPLE

One night, a rage, he lled my parents and told them, "I'm gay and I've been gog out wh men, but she's screwg around wh another guy. In the town I'm om, leavg a homosexual hband was too sndalo.