What to Do When Your Child Says: "I'm Gay" | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?
• CHILDREN OF LBIAN AND GAY PARENTS
• OUR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON TOLD HE WAS GAY
• 'PASSAG' DIRECTOR NOUNC 'DANGERO' NC-17 RATG ON A FILM PICTG A GAY LOVE STORY
• LEARNG THAT AN ADOLCENT CHILD IS GAY OR LBIAN: THE PARENT EXPERIENCE
• GROWG UP WH GAY PARENTS: WHAT IS THE BIG AL?*
• PARENTS’ FLUENCE ON LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL TEENS
• BOULR PARENTS: ADULT CHILD OF GAY PARENTS SPEAKS OM EXPERIENCE
• WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY
• LEARNG THAT AN ADOLCENT CHILD IS GAY OR LBIAN: THE PARENT EXPERIENCE‪.‬
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• DIVERSY AND INCLN: IMPACTS ON PSYCHOLOGIL WELLBEG AMONG LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENR, AND QUEER COMMUNI
• 10 ANTI-GAY MYTHS DEBUNKED
• STIGMA EXPERIENC, MENTAL HEALTH, PERCEIVED PARENTG COMPETENCE, AND PARENT–CHILD RELATNSHIPS AMONG LBIAN, GAY, AND HETEROSEXUAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS THE UNED STAT
• COMG OUT AS GAY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?

Havg begun to rpond to heterosexist and homophobic qutns posed by psychologil theory, judicial opn, and popular prejudice, child velopment rearchers are now a posn also to explore a broar range of issu raised by the emergence of different kds of gay and lbian fai. In a flood of words, he told me he wanted to tell his iends that he was gay— felt like he was keepg a secret om them, and when he thought about too much, ma him feel heart ached, and I wished I uld rewd to the time when kiss and cuddl fixed absolutely everythg. Dpe numero attempts to bias the rults favour of the null hypothis and allowg for up to 20 (of 63, 32%) dg errors, Cameron's (2006) hypothis that gay and lbian parents would be more likely to have gay, lbian, bisexual or unsure (of sexual orientatn) sons and dghters was nfirmed.

A 2013 Canadian study (Allen 2013), which analyzed data om a very large populatn-based sample, revealed that the children of gay and lbian upl are only about 65 percent as likely to have graduated om high school as are the children of married, oppose-sex upl.

CHILDREN OF LBIAN AND GAY PARENTS

Three key fdgs stood out this study: children of married, oppose-sex parents have a high graduatn rate pared to the others; children of lbian fai have a very low graduatn rate pared to the others; and children the other four typ of livg arrangements (mon law marriage, gay uple, sgle mother, and sgle father) are siar to each other and fall between the extrem of married heterosexual parents and lbian upl. The women (whose average age both groups was 29) wh gay or bisexual fathers had difficulty wh adult attachment issu three areas: (1) they were ls fortable wh closens and timacy; (2) they were ls able to tst and pend on others; and (3) they experienced more anxiety relatnships pared to the women raised by heterosexual fathers (and mothers).

OUR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON TOLD HE WAS GAY

The study is noteworthy for several reasons: (1) his study sample was large, reprentative, and populatn-based (not a small, self-selected group); (2) Regnes studied the rpons of adult children rather than askg same-sex parents to scribe how their young pennt children are dog; and (3) he was able to draw parisons on up to 80 measur for children who had lived wh (or had) parents who fell to one of eight tegori—tact fai wh both blogil parents who were married to each other, lbian mothers, gay fathers, heterosexual sgle parents, parents who later divorced, habg parents, parents who adopted the rponnt, and other (such as a ceased parent).

4) as prevalent among children wh same-sex parents than the general populatn, after ntrollg for age, sex, ethnicy, and parent soc-enomic stat (Sulls 2015b) n one rencile the signifint fdgs wh the wily publicized studi showg no harmful effects to children who have, or have lived wh, lbian or gay parents?

For example, 2005, the Amerin Psychologil Associatn (APA) issued an official brief on lbian and gay parentg, which clud this assertn: “Not a sgle study has found children of lbian and gay parents to be disadvantaged any signifint rpect relative to children of heterosexual parents” (Amerin Psychologil Associatn 2005).

'PASSAG' DIRECTOR NOUNC 'DANGERO' NC-17 RATG ON A FILM PICTG A GAY LOVE STORY

The thor remend further flaws exist the vast majory of studi published before 2012 on this subject (Marks 2012) cludg the fact that they relied upon small, nonreprentative sampl that are not reprentative of children typil homosexual fai the Uned major studi, published by Gartrell and Bos (2010) and Biblarz and Stacey (2010), are often ced by gay activists and extensively the media.

LEARNG THAT AN ADOLCENT CHILD IS GAY OR LBIAN: THE PARENT EXPERIENCE

But to actually be lockg ey wh Ellen and hold her, shakg hands as she said, "I'm gay, " on natnal televisn and for the first time, as she has shared outloud that way publicly, was such a profoundly extraordary and timate gift to that moment that I will forever be grateful for.

GROWG UP WH GAY PARENTS: WHAT IS THE BIG AL?*

His e-mail addrs is]Stori this seriChildren nied Catholic schoolg, lbian uple speaks outBoulr pastor says J turned some awayBoulr parents: 'Our children uld be the next to go', March 23Boulr parents: 'They told church to love everyone', March 24Boulr parents: 'This alienat people om church', March 25Boulr parents: Adult child of gay parents speaks om experience, March 26. "The rourc n help:PFLAG: The untry’s largt anizatn ung parents, fai, and alli wh people who are lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr, and Spectm: Offers groups, trag, and rourc promotg genr sensivy and cln for all youthGLBT Natnal Rource Database: LGBTQ+ digal directory of rourcNatnal Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network: Directory of therapists/unselors who are people of lorNatnal LGBTQ Task Force: The progrsive advocy arm of the LGBTQ+ movementDurg LGBTQ Pri Month, TODAY is sharg the muny’s history, pa, joy and what’s next for the movement.

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

PARENTS’ FLUENCE ON LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL TEENS

So on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs—ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and beg fatuated wh their mother's makp k; ltle girls strangely enamored of field hockey or profsnal wrtlg—that sort of thg. Although only 12 percent of the women grew up to be genr dysphoric (the unfortable sense that your blogil sex do not match your genr), the odds of the women reportg a bisexual or homosexual orientatn were up to 23 tim higher than would occur a general sample of young women. Bee the data often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have more of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc.

BOULR PARENTS: ADULT CHILD OF GAY PARENTS SPEAKS OM EXPERIENCE

GSAs foster clive school environments not only for LGBT + stunts but for all stunts, thereby ntributg to lower levels of homonegative victimizatn, fear for safety, homophobic remarks and multiple forms of bias-based bullyg (based on body weight, genr, relign, disabily, genr typily, sexualy) (Marx and Kettrey, 2016; Lsard et al., 2020).

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

Ever sce born-aga sger and orange juice pchwoman Ana Bryant helped kick off the ntemporary anti-gay movement some 40 years ago, hard-le elements of the relig right have been searchg for ways to monize gay people — or, at a mimum, to fd arguments that will prevent their normalizatn society. But addn to hawkg that myth, the legns of anti-gay activists who followed have add a panoply of others, rangg om the extremely doubtful claim that sexual orientatn is a choice, to unalloyed li like the claims that gay men molt children far more than heterosexuals or that hate crime laws will lead to the legalizatn of btialy and necrophilia. Depictg gay men as a threat to children may be the sgle most potent weapon for stokg public fears about homosexualy — and for wng electns and referenda, as Ana Bryant found out durg her succsful 1977 mpaign to overturn a Da County, Fla., ordance barrg discrimatn agast gay people.

The Amerin Amy of Child & Adolcent Psychiatry affirmed 2013 that “[c]urrent rearch shows that children wh gay and lbian parents do not differ om children wh heterosexual parents their emotnal velopment or their relatnships wh peers and adults” and they are “not more likely than children of heterosexual parents to velop emotnal or behavral problems. The Amerin Amy of Pediatrics (AAP) a 2002 policy statement clared: "A growg body of scientific lerature monstrat that children who grow up wh one or two gay and/or lbian parents fare as well emotnal, gnive, social, and sexual functng as do children whose parents are heterosexual.

LEARNG THAT AN ADOLCENT CHILD IS GAY OR LBIAN: THE PARENT EXPERIENCE‪.‬

The Amerin Psychiatric Associatn noted a 2000 fact sheet available on the Associatn of Gay and Lbian Psychiatrists, that alg wh gay, lbian and bisexual issu, that sexual abe do not appear to be any more prevalent among children who grow up and intify as gay, lbian or bisexual than children who grow up and intify as heterosexual.

Siarly, the Natnal Organizatn on Male Sexual Victimizatn not on s webse that "experts the human sexualy field do not believe that premature sexual experienc play a signifint role late adolcent or adult sexual orientatn" and add that 's unlikely that anyone n make another person gay or heterosexual.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Anti-gay activists, who have long opposed addg LGBT people to those protected by hate crime legislatn, have repeatedly claimed that such laws would lead to the jailg of relig figur who preach agast homosexualy — part of a bid to ga the backg of the broar relig muny for their posn. Anti-gay groups have been adamantly opposed to allowg gay men and lbians to serve openly the armed forc, not only bee of their purported fear that bat reads will be unrmed, but bee the ary has long been nsired the purt merocracy Ameri (the armed forc were succsfully racially tegrated long before Amerin civil society, for example).

At the same time, gays and lbians have served openly for years the armed forc of 25 untri (as of 2010), cludg Bra, Israel, South Ai, Canada and Atralia, acrdg to a report released by the Palm Center, a policy thk tank at the Universy of California at Santa Barbara.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

Though is te that LGBT people tend to suffer higher rat of anxiety, prsn, and prsn-related illns and behavrs like alhol and dg abe than the general populatn, that is due to the historil social stigmatizatn of homosexualy and vlence directed at LGBT people, not bee of homosexualy self. A report prented by the Council on Scientific Affairs to the AMA Hoe of Delegat Interim Meetg wh regard to reparative (“ex-gay”) therapy noted that most of the emotnal disturbance gay men and lbians experience around their sexual inty is not based on physlogil , but rather on “a sense of alienatn an unacceptg environment.

DIVERSY AND INCLN: IMPACTS ON PSYCHOLOGIL WELLBEG AMONG LBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENR, AND QUEER COMMUNI

Mark Hatzenbuehler, a socmedil scienc profsor at the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia Universy, said that the data gathered the study suggts that “sexual mori livg muni wh high levels of anti-gay prejudice have creased risk of mortaly, pared to low-prejudice muni. Qazi Rahman, study -thor and a leadg scientist on human sexual orientatn, said: "This study puts ld water on any ncerns that we are lookg for a sgle 'gay gene' or a sgle environmental variable which uld be ed to 'select out' homosexualy — the factors which fluence sexual orientatn are plex. The Amerin Amy of Pediatrics stated 1993 (updated 2004) that “homosexualy has existed most societi for as long as rerd scriptns of sexual beliefs and practic have been available” and that even at that time, “most scholars the field state that one’s sexual orientatn is not a choice … dividuals do not choose to be homosexual or heterosexual.

A number of "ex-gay" relig mistri have spng up recent years wh the aim of teachg gay people to bee heterosexuals, and the have bee prime purveyors of the claim that gays and lbians, wh the aid of mental therapy and Christian teachgs, n "e out of homosexualy.

Worst of all, though, the shame attached to the memori of those first tim marred how I would approach sex for was listeng to Years & Years’ new song “Sanctify, ” and seeg the band’s out gay sger Olly Alexanr talk about how the song was spired his sexual trysts wh straight men, that I realized that the feelgs are way more mon than people let on. Sure, I know all about gay guys havg sex wh straight guys, but felt reassurg to see him scribe the “sat and sner role” he embodied durg those experienc, and to hear the uncertaty and melancholy weaved to the than anythg though, was the repeated lyril mantra of “I won’t be ashamed.

10 ANTI-GAY MYTHS DEBUNKED

44 percent of lbians and 61 percent of bisexual women experience rape, physil vlence, or stalkg by an timate partner, pared to 35 percent of straight women26 percent of gay men and 37 percent of bisexual men experience rape, physil vlence, or stalkg by an timate partner, pared to 29 percent of straight men46 percent of bisexual women have been raped, pared to 17 percent of straight women and 13 percent of lbians22 percent of bisexual women have been raped by an timate partner, pared to 9 percent of straight women40 percent of gay men and 47 percent of bisexual men have experienced sexual vlence other than rape, pared to 21 percent of straight men. From fay and mory strs perspectiv, is not surprisg that ntextual effects om both adoptn stigma and homophobia n negatively affect parents’ mental health (Battle and Ashley, 2008; Frost and Meyer, 2009; Boss et al., 2016; Calzo et al., 2019; Goldberg et al., 2019).

Although rearch regardg microaggrsns experienced by sexual and genr mory persons is advancg (Fisher et al., 2019; Nadal, 2019), homophobic microaggrsns and their possible associatns wh dividual and fay out have not been specifilly examed (to our knowledge) among a sample of LG parents, let alone LG adoptive parents. In terms of unrstandg associatns between dividual adjtment and homonegative microaggrsns particular, rearch has monstrated that is important to clu nsiratn of past and current experienc, as well as perceptns of their impact (and how this teracts wh past or current experienc; Wright and Wegner, 2012). Among a sample of approximately 100 adoptive fai head by lbian, gay, and heterosexual parents, we explored associatns at two pots (about 5 years apart; when children were prchool-age and school-age, rpectively) among parent mental health symptoms, perceived parentg petence, perceived adoptn stigma, homonegative microaggrsns, and qualy of parent–child relatnships.

STIGMA EXPERIENC, MENTAL HEALTH, PERCEIVED PARENTG COMPETENCE, AND PARENT–CHILD RELATNSHIPS AMONG LBIAN, GAY, AND HETEROSEXUAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS THE UNED STAT

The send aim was to vtigate associatns across time among parent mental health symptoms and perceived parentg petence, both asssed when children were prchool, wh experienc of adoptn stigma, homonegative microaggrsns, and parent–child relatnship qualy, all evaluated 5 years later. Based on our theoretil ameworks of fay and mory strs as well as some relevant existg rearch regardg sexual stigma and homonegative microaggrsns as related to LG dividual and parent out (Goldberg et al., 2011, 2019; Tornello et al., 2011; Wright and Wegner, 2012; Carone et al., 2017; Green et al., 2019), we also anticipated that greater mental health symptoms and lower petence, rpectively, would be associated wh more microaggrsns.

Aligned wh some rearch ditg associatns between greater sexual stigma, fay strs, and child out (Bos and Gartrell, 2010; Vyncke et al., 2014; Crouch et al., 2017; Carone et al., 2018; Calzo et al., 2019), we also expected that homonegative microaggrsns experienced by LG parents would predict reports of lower parent–child relatnship qualy (acuntg for parent mental health symptoms, petence, and adoptn stigma) among their children. Prelimary analys were also nducted to explore the role of possible variat analys for all variabl of tert (parent mental health symptoms, perceived parentg petence, perceived adoptn stigma, homonegative microaggrsn experienc, and children’s perceptns of parent–child relatnship qualy).

COMG OUT AS GAY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

It is important, however, to nsir that gay fathers may experience addnal stigma related to the tersectn of their genr and sexual inty durg the transn to parenthood when pared to lbian mothers given the cultural importance placed on motherhood and general valuatn of fatherhood (e.