To Christian Parents of Gay Children - Believe Out Loud

Contents:

• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• WHERE WE STAND: GAY AND LBIAN PARENTS
• 10 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS
• PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE
• HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS
• ADULT CHILDREN OF GAY AND LBIAN PARENTS: RELIGN AND THE PARENT-CHILD RELATNSHIP
• IF THEY 'SAY GAY,' WILL MY CHILD BE SAFE? PARENTS OF LGBTQ KIDS ARE SRED OF PYT LAWS
• DEAR PARENT OF A GAY CHILD
• EVANGELIL CHRISTIAN PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN STRIVE FOR ACCEPTANCE SI CHURCH
• MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT
• KIDS OF GAY PARENTS FARE WORSE, STUDY FDS, BUT REARCH DRAWS FIRE OM EXPERTS
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• RAISG A GAY TEEN: WHEN FAH, FAY AND SEXUALY LLI
• GAY PARENTS RAISG KIDS: HOW WILL THEY FARE?
• HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR GAY CHILD
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• WHAT TO DO WHEN A GAY CHILD MARRI
• WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY
• GAY PARENTS AS GOOD AS STRAIGHT ON
• COMG OUT: A PARENTS GUI TO SUPPORTG YOUR GAY TEEN
• ‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’
• PROCR FOR GAY COUPL LOOKG TO ADOPT

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

"Maybe you always had an klg that your kid was gay or transgenr, maybe you noticed your kid's affectn for a certa someone before they even regnized what those feelgs were, or you noticed certa role mols that they chose and ma some assumptns about what that meant about their inty...

They believe that if you experience same-sex attractns, then you're gay, " Doyle told the negative rpons parents have, acrdg to Doyle, are avoidg the issue by barrg their child om talkg about SSA or their gay inty; believg that 's a passg phase; or threateng to kick their olr teen or 20-somethg child out of the hoe. "We know, our clil rearch over the last 25 years, that fay culture, environment and other non-blogil factors play a signifint role the velopment of same-sex attractn, " he asserted, addg that parents shouldn't seek therapy as an attempt to change their the book, Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Fay Healg, wrten by Richard Cohen, executive director of IHF, Doyle said 12 prcipl are discsed to help fai navigate through SSA and s . "Regardg sleepovers and big life events such as parents' attendg a child's same-sex weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that parents treat their homosexual child the same as they would their heterosexual the se of sleepovers, parents should mata the same standards for every child and not allow their gay intified or SSA child to have somone they're attracted to spend the night wh them.

"The same l should apply to heterosexual upl and homosexual upl, " he when down to attendg a child's gay weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that attendg the ceremony don't necsarily reflect that the parents agree wh same-sex marriage, their prence merely shows their love for their child. The followg them emerged om phenomenologil analysis of the terviews: (a) fay break-up more difficult than the parents’ g out; (b) disvery that parent was gay or lbian; (c) ial shame over havg gay or lbian parent; (d) posive aspects of havg a gay or lbian parent; (e) refed relatnship wh relign; and (f) impact of culture on how gay and lbian dividuals are viewed.

WHERE WE STAND: GAY AND LBIAN PARENTS

Over the years, rearchers have started to vtigate the perspectiv of adult children who have been raised by gay and lbian parents (Bailey, Bobrow, Wolfe, & Mikach, 1995; Tasker & Golombok, 1995), and the foc has moved beyond explorg stigma to unrstandg their long-term experienc greater pth (Goldberg, 2007a, 2007b) children may have been raised by an tact gay or lbian uple sce fancy, but others may have to balance relatnships wh both gay and heterosexual parents. The may be children who were origally born to a heterosexual relatnship which one parent me out later the children’s liv, or rarer s children who were ially part of a fay led by a gay or lbian uple and mt pe wh fay disptn when one parent enters to a heterosexual relatnship.

10 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS

Conversely, when dividuals and fai are able to rolve the apparent nflict between acceptg a gay or lbian fay member and relig homonegative msag, the out n eventually be more posive (Lease & Shulman, 2003) discsed below, the impact on fai occurs over time, and relatnships wh the fay as well as wh their relign may change as children are able to reflect on their experienc and mature themselv. Therefore, the goal of the current study was to exame the perceived role of relign over time the parent-child relatnships of adult children wh a gay or lbian parent and a heterosexual Out to ChildrenWhen gay and lbian parents e out after they have tablished fai a heterosexual relatnship, the g out procs affects the entire fay (Armto, 2002; Beeler & DiProva, 1999; Bozett, 1980; Van Voorhis & McCla, 1997).

In addn, fai often create their own l about discsg homosexualy and/or may experience negative emotns followg the g out procs (Beeler & DiProva, 1999), Gillis, and Cogan (2009) found that gay, lbian, and bisexual dividuals who were more relig had higher sr on the Revised Internalized Homophobia Sle (IHP-R), suggtg that ternalized heterosexism or self-stigma was posively related to relig-based homonegative msag.

Fai of Gay and Lbian IndividualsRearchers started explorg the psychologil and emotnal well beg as well as genr inty velopment of children wh gay and lbian parents the 1970s, and they have sce foced on breakg down stereotyp that gay and lbian parents are unf (Patterson, 2005; Tasker & Golombok, 1995). Fay members of gays and lbians are often aware of heterosexism society as well as their own heterosexual privilege; therefore, many may choose to fight agast homonegativy and to support equal rights for gay, lbian, bisexual, and transgenr (GLBT) dividuals (Arm et al., 2009; Goldberg, 2007a).

PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE

Siarly, Beeler and DiProva (1999) found that fay members not only have a fdg out story but also have their own g out procs as the relative of a gay and lbian recently scholars have started to explore the fluence of relign the procs of fay members acceptg or rejectg their gay and lbian relativ (Lease et al., 2005). Although some rearch ntu to be biased by the assumptn that gay and lbian dividuals have to choose between beg relig and acceptg their non-heterosexual inty, other vtigatns have begun to exame the rporatn of both inti (Barret & Barzan, 1996; Buchanan, Dzelme, Harris, & Hecker, 2001). Lease and Shulman (2003) reported that although fay members of gay and lbian dividuals may e relign to impe their relatnships wh their gay and lbian relativ, many are also able to expand their the views of an acceptg and lovg y to one who would accept their gay or lbian relative.

Over time, fay members of gay and lbian dividuals may experience gnive dissonance between their posive perceptn of their own gay or lbian relativ wh the religly-based homonegative msag they receive, and their relatnships may be termed based on their abily to rolve this dissonance. However, Hunsberger (1996) found that fundamentalist Christian, Jewish, Mlim, and Hdu nomatns were all generally tolerant toward gay and lbian dividuals, regardls of their to the homonegative msag, gay and lbian dividuals may believe that they have to ci between their relig inty and intifyg as gay or lbian, and the dividuals may rema celibate if they choose their relign (Rter & O’Neill, 1989). In one of the few articl that nsired the relativ of gay and lbian dividuals, Lease and Shulman (2003) found that fay members ed strategi such as focg on relig msag that facilated their acceptance, adjted their level of volvement when relign imped their acceptance, and advoted for acceptance wh their relig muny, to rencile their relig inty wh acceptg LGB fay gays and lbians of lor, the challeng bee more plex, as a ls tolerant culture may further impe the g out procs for people of lor (Merighi & Grim, 2000).

HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

Bee of the plex teractns of multiple inti, gay and lbian dividuals may stggle between g out to a muny that is unsupportive whout the guarantee of acceptance to the larger gay and lbian muny due to racism (Smh et al., 2008) summary, although the negative associatn between relign and sexual orientatn has been addrsed, rearch regardg other aspects of relig fluence on gay and lbian dividuals is limed.

Participants have the followg current relig inti: Jewish (2), Catholic (3), Prottant (1), Mennone (1), nfed (1), and two participants no longer have an intifyg 1Participant DemographicsNameSexAgeFay RelignCurrent RelignRace/ EthnicyGay or Lbian ParentSexual OrientatnMariaF29Catholic- PentestalConfedLataFatherHeterosexualAmyF19LutheranMennoneWheFatherUnknownRogerM30CatholicCatholicWheFatherUnknownNancyF30JewishJewishWheMotherHeterosexualSarahF43Roman CatholicRoman CatholicWheFatherHeterosexualShellyF33CatholicNoneWheFatherHeterosexualAlexM23JewishNoneWhe/ Native AmerinMotherHeterosexualRachelF34JewishJewishWhe/ JewishMotherHeterosexualVictoriaF28CatholicCatholicWheFatherHeterosexualTammyF28ChristianChristianWhe/ ItalianMotherLbianNe participants were raised the ntext of heterosexual relatnships that dissolved, and one dividual was born to the ntext of a same-sex relatnship that dissolved when one of the participants’ mothers entered a heterosexual relatnship and ntued to intify as heterosexual while the other mother ntued to intify as lbian. ProcrThe terview protol was veloped by the first and send thors based on an extensive lerature review and was foced to answer the followg rearch qutn: How do adult children wh both a gay or lbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent retrospectively perceive the impact of relign on their relatnships wh both their heterosexual and gay or lbian parents?

In velopg our terview qutns we nsired qutns addrsed prr related studi: (a) the role of relign their fay, how the role of relign has evolved, and how their relign viewed gay and lbian dividuals (Lease & Shulman, 2003), and (b) the impact heterosexual parent’s rponse to the g out had on parent-child relatnships (Goldberg, 2007a). Also, bee of the potential tersectn of relig and ethnic inti (Greene, 1997), we asked about ethnic inty and how the participant’s ethnic muny views gay and lbian recg participants, two volunteers who met the study creria but were not part of the study participated terviews and provid feedback on both the mographic qutnnaire and terview protol for this study. The mographic qutnnaire clud the followg ems: sex, race/ethnicy, relig background, current relign, age, level of relig participatn, age when gay or lbian parent me out to child, which parent is gay or lbian, the parent’s intified sexual orientatn, which parent is straight, and child’s age when the parents were divorced or separated.

ADULT CHILDREN OF GAY AND LBIAN PARENTS: RELIGN AND THE PARENT-CHILD RELATNSHIP

The semi-stctured terview was also ed to ga more rmatn regardg how the parent-child relatnship may differ between the adult child and her or his gay or lbian parent and heterosexual first thor utilized bracketg before the study began, and wrote about her personal experience and knowledge of this phenomenon to bee more aware of her prenceptns. Rndant statements were exclud as meangs were rived om the signifint statements by rereadg through the statements to unver meangs that uld have been ncealed (Crwell, 1998, 2007) anizatn started by clterg the statements to intify the major them related to how relign impacts the parent-child relatnships of adult children wh a gay or lbian parent.

Bearg wns to homonegativy has motivated her to study relign, psychology, and soclogy to better unrstand the relatnship between relign and send thor is a Whe female who is also a licensed psychologist and associate profsor of unselg psychology at a private religly affiliated universy the northeast. Personal relatnships wh gay parents who are accepted as full members of this muny have led her to believe that tegratn of relign wh sexual mory stat is possible, and that the impact on children do not have to be third thor was a Psychology Major and was enrolled a bed bachelors and masters program at a private religly affiliated universy the northeast. RultsThe followg six them emerged om the terviews: (a) fay break-up more difficult than parents’ g out; (b) disvery that parent was gay or lbian; (c) ial shame over havg a gay or lbian parent; (d) posive aspects of havg a gay or lbian parent; (e) refed relatnship wh relign; and (f) impact of culture on how gay and lbian dividuals are viewed.

” Although Alex scribed how beg raised a gay-affirmg Jewish muny further validated his experience, later on he allud to directg negative attentn to himself orr to divert om his participants reported that they veloped a closer relatnship wh their gay or lbian parent after the disclosure.

IF THEY 'SAY GAY,' WILL MY CHILD BE SAFE? PARENTS OF LGBTQ KIDS ARE SRED OF PYT LAWS

Wh my dad, I’ve gotten a lot closer, he feels like he n be himself now, and he is happier many ways so, he seems lighter and I feel like I know him better, and so we talk a lot more than we ed to and we do thg together whout my mom which we never did participants reported that although the layed disclosure may have been upsettg, also gave them time to procs how they felt about havg a gay or lbian parent. Sce my mom wouldn’t talk about , I sort of phed away, but then wh the real g out, I gus was easier ‘e had been on my md and I procsed a ltle, a 33-year old, explored how she self-disvered and accepted that her father was gay before she experienced homonegativy society:.

Some of the major them prented are ngent wh prev rearch while other them addrs new ncepts that may spire future scholars, to date, have explored the adult perspective of children wh gay or lbian parents (Goldberg, 2007a; Patterson, 2005), and the thors of this study were the first to explore relign as a factor the parent-child relatnships of adult children wh both a gay or lbian parent as well as a heterosexual parent. In this study, adult children wh a gay or lbian parent discsed the impact of their fay’s break-up, disvery that parent was gay or lbian, ial shame, relign, and culture had on their parent-child relatnships addn to the posive aspects of havg a gay or lbian fdgs of this study have implitns for practice, rearch, and rmg judicial cisns regardg children wh a gay or lbian parent.

DEAR PARENT OF A GAY CHILD

Acrdg to Murray and McCltock (2005), adult children of lbians and bisexual mothers were more likely to report their mothers’ disclosure as a posive experience than adult children of gay and bisexual fathers; however, lbian and bisexual mothers tend to disclose their sexual orientatn to their children at an earlier age. Participants reported that not havg an open discsn earlier ma them feel betrayed, miststed, and/or ashamed due to the secretivens of this the other si of the story, Armto (2002) reported that gay fathers experienced distrs cidg whether or not they should e out to their children, and when.

EVANGELIL CHRISTIAN PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN STRIVE FOR ACCEPTANCE SI CHURCH

Although gay and lbian parents may lay the disclosure to protect themselv om rejectn, many of the adult children the prent study reported feelg ial shame or betrayal if they had self-disvered or heard about om another fay member rather than havg their gay or lbian parent e out to them directly.

In some s, not beg able to talk about the havg a gay or lbian parent after a self-disvery or hearg about om a fay member uld be perceived as an unspoken le that this topic is off lims, while other dividuals who fd out on their own may be unsure about who else knows and if this is accepted or not. The fdgs were nsistent wh Lease and Shulman’s (2003) study on the role of relign acceptg a relative’s sexual orientatn, which found that fay members of gay and lbian dividuals e relign to eher assist or impe their relatnships wh their gay or lbian relativ, and that dividuals tend to differentiate between what their personal experience has been parison to their broar relign. One signifint fdg was that although adult children who self-disvered or were told that their parent was gay or lbian may stggled wh the secrecy surroundg the disclosure, the majory of participants this study reported improved relatnships wh their gay or lbian parents after they were out.

"I enurage parents to not assume that [they] know what LGBTQ youth are experiencg, " Kirk Shepard, a licensed profsnal unselor Portland, Oregon, told NBC OUT regardg the 2016 attack where an assailant killed 49 people a gay nightclub Orlando, Florida, and jured many more. Although, for some youth, the acknowledgement of their same-sex attractn or non-cisgenr inty is gradual and posively rporated to a secure sense of self (Eliason, 1996), the experience of beg distct om heteronormative expectatns leads to a sense of viancy for many, g ternalized homonegativy, maladaptive behavrs, and hidg their LGBT inti om fay and iends (Bransbe, Ellemers, Spears, & Doosj, 1999; Meyer, 1995). Furthermore, bee parents rema unaware of their children’s sexual or genr inti, they may ntue to poe heterosexist, homophobic or transphobic beliefs that adolcents may ternalize as homonegativy, which may turn promise the nsolidatn of their LGBT inty and unrme their mental and physil health and well-beg.

MORN DOS AND DON'TS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS G OUT

This may be particularly important the 21st century as children e out earlier life, durg a velopmental perd when they report more experienc of homophobia (Poteat & Anrson, 2012) and may be more sceptible to negative peer behavrs and victimizatn (D’Augelli et al., 2002; Horn, 2006; Pilkgton & D’Augelli, 1995). Footnot1We will e the acronym LGBT, which stands for lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr, as a broad umbrella term to reprent all sexual and genr mory inti; however, we acknowledge that this is a limed term ed to reprent a heterogeno populatn of sexual and genr inti that have unique signifince for dividuals and are also bound time and place (Rsell et al., 2009). If your son or dghter don't feel fortable talkg to you right away, or if you don't feel fortable talkg about right away, try nsultg another gay person or anizatn (ex PFLAG) is a suatn Marie experienced tellg me, "Bee I was away at school after g out to my mom, I didn't have the experience of 'livg wh ' daily so I wasn't aware that she was really stgglg wh .

Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups.

"You jt wa, " Bent dated boys bee that's what she thought she was supposed to, one day middle school, she learned what "gay" don't remember the tails of the disvery — she thks the rmatn me om the "terrible kids" who ro the b wh her — but sudnly she reached an unrstandg of liked girls, and that attractn had a was gay. The days, gay parents are no novelty: We see them strollg through our neighborhoods, participatg our PTA meetgs, and, perhaps most notably, appearg on our TV screens: Mchell and Cam, fathers to Lily, on the ratgs smash Morn Fay; Glee’s Sue Sylvter, expectant mom to a baby nceived wh an as-yet-unrevealed sperm donor, and Rachel’s dads, played wh humor and grace by Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stok.

KIDS OF GAY PARENTS FARE WORSE, STUDY FDS, BUT REARCH DRAWS FIRE OM EXPERTS

Though this media mastreamifitn of gay parentg is a relatively new phenomenon, for s, gay parents have had children all sorts of fay nfiguratns—whether through adoptn, prev heterosexual relatnships, or, creasgly, by choosg to have blogil offsprg g vro, surrogate, and other methods.

A new study nducted by rearchers at Gee Washgton Universy found that most parents of lbian, gay, and bisexual youth have difficulty adjtg after their kids e study says is one of the first to systematilly exame the experience of parents raisg lbian, gay and bisexual children. ”The study found that Ain Amerin and Lato parents have a harr time acceptg their lbian, gay and bisexual children, as do the parents of children who e out at a later study, which surveyed a much larger sample size than prev studi, nfirmed smaller studi that showed parents’ negative reactns tend to ease over time; the first two years are the harst for were no signifint differenc reactns between mother and father, the age of the parent, or the genr of the child.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

Consir gettg volved and makg a donatn to GLSEN (an tnal anizatn workg to end discrimatn and promote cln for LBTQ+ stunts K-12), GLAAD (an LGBTQ+ media advocy formerly known as the “Gay & Lbian Alliance Agast Defamatn”) or the Human Rights Campaign (the largt LGBTQ+ advocy and polil lobbyg anizatn the untry). It would only later e out how much the children mattered to him: “ jt seemed to me…wrong unr the nstutn to say that over 100, 000 adopted children of gay parents uldn’t have their parents married” [1] 200, 000 children are beg raised SS uple hoeholds, and three ln lbian, gay, bisexual, and/or transgenr (LGBT) adults the US have had a child [2]. Dpe numero attempts to bias the rults favour of the null hypothis and allowg for up to 20 (of 63, 32%) dg errors, Cameron's (2006) hypothis that gay and lbian parents would be more likely to have gay, lbian, bisexual or unsure (of sexual orientatn) sons and dghters was nfirmed.

RAISG A GAY TEEN: WHEN FAH, FAY AND SEXUALY LLI

GAY PARENTS RAISG KIDS: HOW WILL THEY FARE?

HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR GAY CHILD

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

WHAT TO DO WHEN A GAY CHILD MARRI

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

GAY PARENTS AS GOOD AS STRAIGHT ON

COMG OUT: A PARENTS GUI TO SUPPORTG YOUR GAY TEEN

‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’

PROCR FOR GAY COUPL LOOKG TO ADOPT