Out gay pro wrtler AC Mack leav rg as an spiratn - Outsports

Contents:

• OUT GAY PRO WRTLER AC MACK LEAV THE RG AS AN SPIRATN
• A BOY’S WRTLG MATCH TURNS SEXUALCHAPTER 19: MIKE’S POLAROIDLRENCE BT·FOLLOWPUBLISHED PRISM & PEN·10 M READ·APR 8, 2021--5LISTENSHAREPL GDRILT/MY HIGH SCHOOL ATERNY BROTHERS MIKE KERLEC AND DON CASPARY ARE LEANG ON MIKE’S MOM’S NEW R, A 1966 NDY-APPLE-RED FORD FAIRLANE 390 THAT’S SRY FAST EVEN WH THE A/C ON. I KNOW BEE SOMETIM HE TAK JOYRIDG WHILE WE SWILL QUARTS OF BEER.WE GAVE UP SNIFFG GLUE WHEN WE HEARD ’S BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS. I REALLY WANT SOME POT, BUT FOR ALL THE NEWS STORI ABOUT , NO ONE HAS ANY OR KNOWS HOW TO GET . WE’RE ALWAYS LOOKG FOR “KICKS,” AND THE POPULAR SONG OF THE SAME NAME BY PL REVERE AND THE RAIRS HAS BEE OUR ANTHEM.NONE OF HAS A GIRLIEND AT THE MOMENT. MY FIRST LOVE BONNIE DUMPED ME FOR A SQUARE-JAWED ADONIS. WE’D BEEN ON-AGA-OFF-AGA SCE THE FOURTH GRA. WHEN I TURNED 17, I LOVED HER SO BAD HURT. SHE MOVED ON, BUT WE’RE STILL BT IENDS AND HANG OUT A LOT.HER PARENTS ARE PRETTY STRICT, SO UNLS SHE HAS ONE OF HER MANY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVI SHE GO STRAIGHT HOME TO LOOK AFTER HER YOUNGER SISTER AND BROTHERS. SHE IS WHIP-SMART, FUNNY, IRREVERENT, AND SEXY. I’M NOT QUE OVER HER AND STILL THK ABOUT OUR LATE AFTERNOONS CY PARK WHEN SHE’D LIE TO HER PARENTS ABOUT WHERE SHE WAS AND WE’D MAKE OUT THE BACK SEAT OF MY R. SHE OM A STRICT CATHOLIC FAY WH JUDGE FOR A FATHER, BUT SHE’S A RISK-TAKER, ALWAYS GETTG GROUND.I SURE MISS HER AS A GIRLIEND, BUT HAVG HER AS MY BT IEND WILL DO. WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THE PHONE AND I VIS HER AT HER HOE REGULARLY WHERE I AM LIKED BY ALL, WHICH IS NICE. TODAY SHE HAS A YEARBOOK MEETG. SHE’S A JOER; I’M NOT, SO I’M HANGG OUT WH THE GUYS.MIKE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED LIKE ME. HIS MOM TAK THE B TO WORK, SO HE GETS THE R FOR SCHOOL. DON, ALSO OM A BROKEN, FANCIALLY STRETCHED HOEHOLD, LIV ON THE WAY, SO MIKE OFTEN GIV HIM A RI. WE TALK A B AND MIKE SAYS, “LET’S GO TO MY HOE AND LISTEN TO RERDS.”WE GO THE SI DOOR TO THE KCHEN. THE LIVG ROOM WH S PLASTIC-VERED FURNURE IS OFF-LIMS, BUT THE KCHEN IS OPEN ON THE OTHER SI TO THE N WHERE MIKE SLEEPS ON A DAYBED A ZY ALVE.HE PUTS ON THE LOV SPOONFUL AND WE SG ALONG TO SUMMER THE CY, WAY OUT OF TUNE. MIKE GO OVER TO HIS MOTHER’S RCG MACHE, PUTS THE WI FABRIC BELT AROUND HIS HIPS, AND FLIPS THE CHROME TOGGLE SWCH TO “ON.” HE LGHS OVER A RHYTHMIC THUMP.“CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SH? SHE SPENT A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THIS THG AND HASN’T LOST A POUND. I LIKE BEE MAK MY DICK HARD, PECIALLY IF YOU TURN BACKWARDS LIKE THIS.” HE TURNS SO THE BELT JIGGL HIS ONT. “ANYBODY WANNA TRY ?”WE SNICKER AND SHAKE OUR HEADS NO.MIKE’S HILAR, GRNG WILDLY WH HIS TONGUE HANGG OUT. HIS BLUE EY SHE UNR FLOPPY BLON BANGS LIKE THE BEACH BOYS, KD OF LIKE MOST OF WEAR OUR HAIR. WE’D PREFER A LONGER BEATL LOOK BUT OUR SCHOOL WON’T ALLOW .MIKE IS A LTLE SHORTER THAN ME, GOOD-LOOKG AND BUILT LIKE A SUPERHERO. I NOTICE, NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE EP V SHAPE OM HIS BROAD SHOULRS DOWN TO MCULAR HIPS THAT PULL OPEN THE POCKETS OF HIS SNUG CHOS. HE WAS ON A WRTLG TEAM BEFORE HE CHANGED SCHOOLS. WE DON’T HAVE ONE, BUT HE’S STILL WORKG OUT AND SHOWS.I GRAB A PENTHOE MAGAZE OM HIS SK AND LIE DOWN ON HIS DAY BED. DON AND MIKE FIDDLE WH HIS MOM’S NEW POLAROID MERA. THEY SNAP A UPLE OF PRACTICE SHOTS THEN CI NOT TO WASTE PREC FILM.I FLIP THROUGH THE PAG TO FD A PHOTO SET WH BOTH A GUY AND A GIRL. YOU NEVER SEE THAT PLAYBOY AND RARELY PENTHOE, BUT I’M OBSSED AND TRY NOT TO THK ABOUT WHY. I TELL MYSELF I WANT TO SEE HOW I MEASURE UP. I AM SO ABSORBED, I PAY NO ATTENTN TO THE GUYS.OUT OF NOWHERE, MIKE POUNC AND PS ME DOWN TO HIS BED. “LET’S WRTLE!”I’M AT A DISADVANTAGE WH HIS FULL WEIGHT BEARG DOWN, BUT I’M NO MATCH FOR HIM ANYWAY AND HE KNOWS .I STRA AND STGGLE AS A MATTER OF PRI, BUT NO SOONER DO I SLIP ONE LIMB EE, THAN HE CHANG HIS HOLD AND PS ME AGA. I’M GROANG AND SWEATG, PNED DOWN ON MY STOMACH, AND N’T EVEN GET A HAND ON HIM. I MTER ALL MY STRENGTH TO TRY TO THROW HIM OFF, BUT I N’T MOVE A MCLE.DON WATCH S AND LGHS. I KNOW THIS IS MY BATTLE, BUT I KEEP HOPG HE WILL SAY, “MIKE, EASE UP. HE’S NO WRTLER.” HE DON’T, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE HAS A GOOD HEART. I REMEMBER HE LET A DOG LICK HIM ON THE MOUTH AT A PARTY, WHICH TOUCHED ME, THOUGH I WOULD NEVER ALLOW SUCH A THG OM A DOG MYSELF.THEY THK THIS IS JT HORSEPLAY, FUN, SOMETHG TO DO. MAYBE TO THEM, IS. TO ME, ’S A BREACH OF TST AND SLOW HUIATN. I WILL NOT WHE OR BEG AND WILL NOT BE FORCED TO.I DON’T KNOW WHAT MIKE WANTS. I’VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT UNRSTANDG GUYS. GIRLS AND I SEEM TO BE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH. THE GIRLS I’M IENDS WH SEEM TO OPERATE ON THE GOLN RULE. THE BOYS ARE A DIFFERENT STORY, ONE I N’T FIGURE OUT.I RARELY FEEL ANY TE NNECTN WH THE GUYS, EVEN BEYOND WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE MON LIKE PHYSILY, SPORTS, AND MOTORS, FISHG, AND PETIVENS. SO I’M MYSTIFIED AS I STGGLE UNR MIKE’S WEIGHT.I FALLY GASP, SEEG NO DIGNIFIED ALTERNATIVE. “OKAY. YOU W. NOW LET ME UP.”HE TIGHTENS HIS HOLD.“COME ON! LET ME UP!”INSTEAD, AND WORSE YET, HE GRDS HIS PELVIS TO ME, PUMPG AWAY AS HE YELLS, “THIS IS GREAT... HEY DON, TAKE A PICTURE!”I’M STUNNED, EMBARRASSED, AND STARTG TO PANIC. IF THEY TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS WILL FD S WAY ALL OVER SCHOOL. DEVASTATG HUIATN AWAS ME! I JERK MY FACE AWAY JT BEFORE THE FLASH GO OFF.I HEAR THE PHOTO BUZZ OUT OF THE MERA AND KNOW DON IS WAG FOR TO VELOP. MIKE STILL HOLDS ME SECURELY, BUT I FIGURE WH MY HEAD TURNED THE PHOTO, NOBODY N BE CERTA WHO HE’S HUIATG.BUT HE’S NOT DONE. HE GRABS MY LEFT WRIST AND PS AGAST THE BED SO TIGHT I FEEL LIKE I’M UGHT AN UNYIELDG LEATHER STRAP. I MARVEL AT HIS STRENGTH AND POWER WHILE I HATE MYSELF FOR BEG SUCH A PSY, A NAME I’M ALL TOO ED TO.HE PUTS ME A HEADLOCK, HIS NTRACTED BICEP AT MY THROAT. HE FLEX AND I N SRCELY BREATHE, BUT MY RIGHT HAND IS NOW EE.“UNDO YOUR BELT,” HE MANDS AND ROCKS OVER SO I N REACH .I’M EXHSTED AND NFED. I HAVE NO UNRSTANDG OF WHAT IS GOG ON OTHER THAN SUBJUGATN AND DISGRACE. I MANAGE ONLY A MUFFLED “HUH?”HE RPONDS SOFTLY MY EAR. “COME ON, I JT WANT TO SEE WHAT FEELS LIKE.”THIS MEANS NOTHG TO ME. I HAVE NO IA WHAT HE WANTS. HE TRI OTHER PS LOOKG FOR A WAY TO UNBUCKLE MY BELT AND HOLD ME DOWN AT THE SAME TIME. BUT HE N’T GRASP BOTH MY WRISTS WH ONE HAND. I REALIZE HE WANTS TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN TO HEIGHTEN MY HUIATN THE NEXT POLAROID. “OH NO!” I SAY. “THEN YOU’LL WANT MY UNRWEAR OFF TOO.” HE SAYS NOTHG SO I THK I AM RIGHT. “NOT GONNA HAPPEN!” I PROMISE HIM.ALL I N THK IS THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON IS GOG TO TAKE PICTUR THAT WILL MY LIFE. MIKE N SUFFOTE ME IF HE WANTS, BUT I WILL NOT HELP HIM STROY ME. I’VE BEEN LLED SISSY, U, FAIRY, AND QUEER ENOUGH MY LIFE NOT TO LET PICTUR NFIRM SPICNS.MY THOUGHTS TAKE A TURN I DON’T LIKE. WHOUT THE MERA, WHOUT WNS, THIS MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD. I THK ABOUT HOW IF NOBODY WAS WATCHG, MAYBE WE ULD EVEN PLAY AROUND WH THE RCG MACHE.THEN MIKE TIGHTENS HIS GRIP. DON REMAS WORDLS.MY MD REELS. “WHAT DID I EVER DO TO SERVE THIS?” I THK.FALLY, AFTER A LONG PSE AND WHOUT A WORD, MIKE RELEAS HIS GRIP AND LETS GO OF ME. HE SNTERS OVER TO DON WHO STARTS TALKG ABOUT SOMETHG ELSE LIKE NOTHG JT HAPPENED. I TCH MY BREATH AND B MY SORE WRIST, THKG I JT DODGED A TERRIBLE BULLET.THEN DON WHIRLS AROUND AND SHOUTS. “I HAVE AN IA!” HE THSTS THE MERA TO MIKE’S HAND. “SHOOT WHEN I SAY TO.” HE DROPS TO HIS KNE, UNBUCKL HIS BELT, AND PULLS DOWN HIS JEANS AND UNRWEAR AS HE LOWERS HIS HEAD TO THE FLOOR AND PH HIS ASS UP THE AIR. HE REACH BACK AND SPREADS HIS HAIRY ASS CHEEKS.I AM AGHAST.I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN AN BEFORE, NOT EVEN MY OWN A MIRROR; NEVER EVEN THOUGHT TO LOOK. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SEE SUCH A THG? I HOLD MY BREATH FEARG I MIGHT EVEN SMELL . WE ARE ALMOST THAT CLOSE.“NOW! TAKE A PICTURE!” DON SAYS.MIKE SQUATS DOWN AND LEANS FOR A CLOSE-UP. “WOW!”I HAVE NO WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS. I’M NFED BUT RELIEVED TO NO LONGER BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTN. DON PULLS UP HIS PANTS AND TURNS TO SEE THE RULT, A HUGE SE ON HIS FACE. I REALIZE WH DISMAY I’M DISAPPOTED HE DIDN’T REVEAL HIS ONT SI FIRST. “STOP !” I SILENTLY SNAP AT MYSELF.THE PHOTO IS CLEAR AND DISGTG. THERE IS NO DISCSN OF WHAT WILL BE DONE WH EHER OF THE TWO POLAROIDS. I WORRIED, BUT I NEVER AGA SAW THE ONE OF ME STGGLG UNR MIKE.AT A ATERNY MEETG WEEKS LATER, PLEDG BEG HAZED AND PADDLED WERE FORCED TO KNEEL AND KISS THE PICTURE OF DON’S ASSHOLE. I FELT APPALLED BUT RELIEVED THAT THE PHOTO OF MIKE DRY-HUMPG ME DIDN’T GET PASSED AROUND.WH THAT WRTLG CINT, THOUGH, AS WH EACH OF TOO MANY HUIATNS, I LEARN TO TST MEN LS. I LEARN TO THK ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT ATERNAL BONDS IS BULLSH. BUT I WANT VERY BADLY TO BELONG, TO BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, TO SURVIVE AND BE PART OF THE WORLD. I WILL DO JT ABOUT ANYTHG TO ACHIEVE THAT.YEARS LATER, I GRADUATED OM LLEGE AND MARRIED MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART JULIE GUTEN. I STILL REMEMBER HER ATTRACTIVE HIPS SWAYG UNR A PLAID SKIRT AS SHE WAS WALKED UP TO THE BLACKBOARD FRENCH III. WE WENT TO MY SENR PROM TOGETHER AND SHE LOOKED GEO A STARKLY AND SIMPLY CUT WHE EVENG GOWN.AFTER A CHAMPAGNE PARTY BEFORE THE PROM, WE DROVE TO DNER AT ELMWOOD PLANTATN MY BROTHER GEE’S NEW 1967 PLYMOUTH SPORT FURY. IT WAS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR BOTH OF EXCEPT SHE STGGLED THROUGH, SG WH A THROAT FECTN AND FEVER. SHE DID NOT ADM SHE WAS ILL UNTIL AFTER THE CHAMPAGNE PARTY. EVEN THEN SHE ASSURED ME SHE WAS FE.SHE WAS KD, SMART, SEXY, AND ELEGANT. SHE HAD GREAT TASTE AND SOMETHG I ULD NOT NAME THAT OTHER GIRLS JT DID NOT HAVE. EVEN HER WISNS ACCENT CHARMED ME.I LIKED HER BT IEND ROBERT MORTON WHO LIVED HER APARTMENT PLEX. HE DROVE A SHARP MG NVERTIBLE BUT HAD NO IENDS AT SCHOOL OTHER THAN JULIE. HE WAS EXCEPTNALLY GOOD-LOOKG WH VIVID BLUE EY AND A HEAVY BEARD SHADOW EVEN THE MORNG. I THOUGHT HE ULD HAVE ANY GIRL HE WANTED. BUT HE SEEMED WHDRAWN AND DID NOT DATE.WHEN JULIE MOVED BACK TO WISNS WH HER FAY THAT SUMMER, SHE LEFT WH MY SILVER ID BRACELET AS A SIGN OF OUR LOVE. WE KEPT TOUCH AND RENEWED OUR RELATNSHIP 1970, MARRYG JT BEFORE I STARTED LAW SCHOOL THE FOLLOWG YEAR.A FEW YEARS LATER HOTON, JULIE AND I WENT TO VIS ROBERT AND HIS VERY PRETTY WIFE. LATER STILL, JULIE HEARD OM HIS FAY THAT HE HAD DRIVEN HIS SPORTS R OFF A CLIFF AN APPARENT SUICI. WE BOTH AGREED, WHOUT MUCH DISCSN, THAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN BEE HE WAS GAY.WHEN I FALLY ADMTED I WAS GAY AFTER TWENTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE, JULIE AND I TEARFULLY PARTED. I JT ULDN’T GO ON LIKE THAT. SHE SAID MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. BACK THE SPRG OF 1967, DON CASPARY TOLD HER NOT TO WASTE HER TIME ON “A FAIRY” LIKE ME.“I DID NOT BELIEVE HIM,” JULIE TOLD ME WH A TEAR-STAED FACE AND A BROKEN HEART. OF URSE, BACK 1967, I DIDN’T BELIEVE EHER. THE MYSTERY WAS THAT DON KNEW EVEN THOUGH WE DID NOT.AFTER I ME OUT AND BEGAN TO LIVE AN THENTIC AND OPENLY GAY LIFE, I BEGAN TO THK MORE AND MORE ABOUT SEXUAL TON MY PAST, CLUDG THAT DAY AT MIKE’S HOE. I PLAYED THEM OVER AND OVER, OBSSG. IT FALLY DAWNED ON ME THAT WHEN MIKE WHISPERED MY EAR THAT HE JT “WANTED TO KNOW WHAT FELT LIKE,” HE MEANT HE WANTED TO FUCK ME.I HAVE WONRED EVER SCE HOW I ULD HAVE MISSED THAT VERY CLEAR TENT. AT 17, THE TTH WAS I HAD NEVER FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVG SEX WH MEN, LET ALONE ABOUT PASSIVE ANAL SEX, WHICH WAS UNTHKABLE.SO MIKE WAS TERTED SOMETHG THAT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO THE BUDDG BUT REPRSED GAY TEEN I WAS THEN. MIKE, AS TURNED OUT, NEVER MARRIED OR HAD CHILDREN. I LEARNED MANY YEARS LATER THAT HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE A GIRLIEND OR TWO BUT NEVER MTED TO ONE. HE DIED OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK A FEW YEARS AGO.FOR ME, MIKE HAS BEE A FANTASY OF ATTRACTN. I RELIVE THOSE MOMENTS WISHG DON HAD NOT BEEN THERE, IMAGG MIKE’S STRONG EMBRACE AND HOT BREATH MY EAR. I WISH I HAD UNDONE MY BELT BUCKLE AS HE ASKED. I MIGHT HAVE DONE IF WE’D BEEN ALONE, JT TO FOOL AROUND. I THK I WAS RIGHT TO EXPECT MY UNRWEAR WOULD GO NEXT AND WHO KNEW WHAT THEN? MAYBE I WOULD HAVE REGNIZED MY LOVE FOR MEN AND NEVER MARRIED.I OFTEN THK THAT EVEN ONE EXPERIENCE, WHICH I REFULLY AND DILIGENTLY NEVER ALLOWED, ULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE.BUT I WOULD HAVE MISSED TWENTY VERY SPECIAL YEARS WH JULIE AND THE ULTIMATE GIFT OF OUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN. THAT, I NNOT WISH FOR.CLICK BELOW FOR CHAPTERS AVAILABLE SO FAR →

OUT GAY PRO WRTLER AC MACK LEAV THE RG AS AN SPIRATN

Sunday’s “Great Midwtern Trendkill” event wasn’t the first time out gay pro wrtler AC Mack stepped to a Naptown All-Pro Wrtlg rg, but will be his last. He is an out gay Black man the South who thrived, buildg human nnectns whose strength manifted the emotnal rponse by the ACTION fanbase when he announced he was leavg -rg petn last month. She wore a red sequned drs and my head her hair was bigger than Dolly Parton’s, although is highly likely that uld be me leang to the gay fantasy.

While eventually I would e to realise I am also a gay man, long before my gay shame me the shame of beg a boy whose bt iend was a Barbie. We both agreed, whout much discsn, that had to have been bee he was I fally admted I was gay after twenty years of marriage, Julie and I tearfully parted.

The mystery was that Don knew even though we did I me out and began to live an thentic and openly gay life, I began to thk more and more about sexual ton my past, cludg that day at Mike’s hoe.

A BOY’S WRTLG MATCH TURNS SEXUALCHAPTER 19: MIKE’S POLAROIDLRENCE BT·FOLLOWPUBLISHED PRISM & PEN·10 M READ·APR 8, 2021--5LISTENSHAREPL GDRILT/MY HIGH SCHOOL ATERNY BROTHERS MIKE KERLEC AND DON CASPARY ARE LEANG ON MIKE’S MOM’S NEW R, A 1966 NDY-APPLE-RED FORD FAIRLANE 390 THAT’S SRY FAST EVEN WH THE A/C ON. I KNOW BEE SOMETIM HE TAK JOYRIDG WHILE WE SWILL QUARTS OF BEER.WE GAVE UP SNIFFG GLUE WHEN WE HEARD ’S BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS. I REALLY WANT SOME POT, BUT FOR ALL THE NEWS STORI ABOUT , NO ONE HAS ANY OR KNOWS HOW TO GET . WE’RE ALWAYS LOOKG FOR “KICKS,” AND THE POPULAR SONG OF THE SAME NAME BY PL REVERE AND THE RAIRS HAS BEE OUR ANTHEM.NONE OF HAS A GIRLIEND AT THE MOMENT. MY FIRST LOVE BONNIE DUMPED ME FOR A SQUARE-JAWED ADONIS. WE’D BEEN ON-AGA-OFF-AGA SCE THE FOURTH GRA. WHEN I TURNED 17, I LOVED HER SO BAD HURT. SHE MOVED ON, BUT WE’RE STILL BT IENDS AND HANG OUT A LOT.HER PARENTS ARE PRETTY STRICT, SO UNLS SHE HAS ONE OF HER MANY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVI SHE GO STRAIGHT HOME TO LOOK AFTER HER YOUNGER SISTER AND BROTHERS. SHE IS WHIP-SMART, FUNNY, IRREVERENT, AND SEXY. I’M NOT QUE OVER HER AND STILL THK ABOUT OUR LATE AFTERNOONS CY PARK WHEN SHE’D LIE TO HER PARENTS ABOUT WHERE SHE WAS AND WE’D MAKE OUT THE BACK SEAT OF MY R. SHE OM A STRICT CATHOLIC FAY WH JUDGE FOR A FATHER, BUT SHE’S A RISK-TAKER, ALWAYS GETTG GROUND.I SURE MISS HER AS A GIRLIEND, BUT HAVG HER AS MY BT IEND WILL DO. WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THE PHONE AND I VIS HER AT HER HOE REGULARLY WHERE I AM LIKED BY ALL, WHICH IS NICE. TODAY SHE HAS A YEARBOOK MEETG. SHE’S A JOER; I’M NOT, SO I’M HANGG OUT WH THE GUYS.MIKE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED LIKE ME. HIS MOM TAK THE B TO WORK, SO HE GETS THE R FOR SCHOOL. DON, ALSO OM A BROKEN, FANCIALLY STRETCHED HOEHOLD, LIV ON THE WAY, SO MIKE OFTEN GIV HIM A RI. WE TALK A B AND MIKE SAYS, “LET’S GO TO MY HOE AND LISTEN TO RERDS.”WE GO THE SI DOOR TO THE KCHEN. THE LIVG ROOM WH S PLASTIC-VERED FURNURE IS OFF-LIMS, BUT THE KCHEN IS OPEN ON THE OTHER SI TO THE N WHERE MIKE SLEEPS ON A DAYBED A ZY ALVE.HE PUTS ON THE LOV SPOONFUL AND WE SG ALONG TO SUMMER THE CY, WAY OUT OF TUNE. MIKE GO OVER TO HIS MOTHER’S RCG MACHE, PUTS THE WI FABRIC BELT AROUND HIS HIPS, AND FLIPS THE CHROME TOGGLE SWCH TO “ON.” HE LGHS OVER A RHYTHMIC THUMP.“CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SH? SHE SPENT A BUNCH OF MONEY ON THIS THG AND HASN’T LOST A POUND. I LIKE BEE MAK MY DICK HARD, PECIALLY IF YOU TURN BACKWARDS LIKE THIS.” HE TURNS SO THE BELT JIGGL HIS ONT. “ANYBODY WANNA TRY ?”WE SNICKER AND SHAKE OUR HEADS NO.MIKE’S HILAR, GRNG WILDLY WH HIS TONGUE HANGG OUT. HIS BLUE EY SHE UNR FLOPPY BLON BANGS LIKE THE BEACH BOYS, KD OF LIKE MOST OF WEAR OUR HAIR. WE’D PREFER A LONGER BEATL LOOK BUT OUR SCHOOL WON’T ALLOW .MIKE IS A LTLE SHORTER THAN ME, GOOD-LOOKG AND BUILT LIKE A SUPERHERO. I NOTICE, NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE EP V SHAPE OM HIS BROAD SHOULRS DOWN TO MCULAR HIPS THAT PULL OPEN THE POCKETS OF HIS SNUG CHOS. HE WAS ON A WRTLG TEAM BEFORE HE CHANGED SCHOOLS. WE DON’T HAVE ONE, BUT HE’S STILL WORKG OUT AND SHOWS.I GRAB A PENTHOE MAGAZE OM HIS SK AND LIE DOWN ON HIS DAY BED. DON AND MIKE FIDDLE WH HIS MOM’S NEW POLAROID MERA. THEY SNAP A UPLE OF PRACTICE SHOTS THEN CI NOT TO WASTE PREC FILM.I FLIP THROUGH THE PAG TO FD A PHOTO SET WH BOTH A GUY AND A GIRL. YOU NEVER SEE THAT PLAYBOY AND RARELY PENTHOE, BUT I’M OBSSED AND TRY NOT TO THK ABOUT WHY. I TELL MYSELF I WANT TO SEE HOW I MEASURE UP. I AM SO ABSORBED, I PAY NO ATTENTN TO THE GUYS.OUT OF NOWHERE, MIKE POUNC AND PS ME DOWN TO HIS BED. “LET’S WRTLE!”I’M AT A DISADVANTAGE WH HIS FULL WEIGHT BEARG DOWN, BUT I’M NO MATCH FOR HIM ANYWAY AND HE KNOWS .I STRA AND STGGLE AS A MATTER OF PRI, BUT NO SOONER DO I SLIP ONE LIMB EE, THAN HE CHANG HIS HOLD AND PS ME AGA. I’M GROANG AND SWEATG, PNED DOWN ON MY STOMACH, AND N’T EVEN GET A HAND ON HIM. I MTER ALL MY STRENGTH TO TRY TO THROW HIM OFF, BUT I N’T MOVE A MCLE.DON WATCH S AND LGHS. I KNOW THIS IS MY BATTLE, BUT I KEEP HOPG HE WILL SAY, “MIKE, EASE UP. HE’S NO WRTLER.” HE DON’T, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE HAS A GOOD HEART. I REMEMBER HE LET A DOG LICK HIM ON THE MOUTH AT A PARTY, WHICH TOUCHED ME, THOUGH I WOULD NEVER ALLOW SUCH A THG OM A DOG MYSELF.THEY THK THIS IS JT HORSEPLAY, FUN, SOMETHG TO DO. MAYBE TO THEM, IS. TO ME, ’S A BREACH OF TST AND SLOW HUIATN. I WILL NOT WHE OR BEG AND WILL NOT BE FORCED TO.I DON’T KNOW WHAT MIKE WANTS. I’VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT UNRSTANDG GUYS. GIRLS AND I SEEM TO BE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH. THE GIRLS I’M IENDS WH SEEM TO OPERATE ON THE GOLN RULE. THE BOYS ARE A DIFFERENT STORY, ONE I N’T FIGURE OUT.I RARELY FEEL ANY TE NNECTN WH THE GUYS, EVEN BEYOND WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE MON LIKE PHYSILY, SPORTS, AND MOTORS, FISHG, AND PETIVENS. SO I’M MYSTIFIED AS I STGGLE UNR MIKE’S WEIGHT.I FALLY GASP, SEEG NO DIGNIFIED ALTERNATIVE. “OKAY. YOU W. NOW LET ME UP.”HE TIGHTENS HIS HOLD.“COME ON! LET ME UP!”INSTEAD, AND WORSE YET, HE GRDS HIS PELVIS TO ME, PUMPG AWAY AS HE YELLS, “THIS IS GREAT... HEY DON, TAKE A PICTURE!”I’M STUNNED, EMBARRASSED, AND STARTG TO PANIC. IF THEY TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS WILL FD S WAY ALL OVER SCHOOL. DEVASTATG HUIATN AWAS ME! I JERK MY FACE AWAY JT BEFORE THE FLASH GO OFF.I HEAR THE PHOTO BUZZ OUT OF THE MERA AND KNOW DON IS WAG FOR TO VELOP. MIKE STILL HOLDS ME SECURELY, BUT I FIGURE WH MY HEAD TURNED THE PHOTO, NOBODY N BE CERTA WHO HE’S HUIATG.BUT HE’S NOT DONE. HE GRABS MY LEFT WRIST AND PS AGAST THE BED SO TIGHT I FEEL LIKE I’M UGHT AN UNYIELDG LEATHER STRAP. I MARVEL AT HIS STRENGTH AND POWER WHILE I HATE MYSELF FOR BEG SUCH A PSY, A NAME I’M ALL TOO ED TO.HE PUTS ME A HEADLOCK, HIS NTRACTED BICEP AT MY THROAT. HE FLEX AND I N SRCELY BREATHE, BUT MY RIGHT HAND IS NOW EE.“UNDO YOUR BELT,” HE MANDS AND ROCKS OVER SO I N REACH .I’M EXHSTED AND NFED. I HAVE NO UNRSTANDG OF WHAT IS GOG ON OTHER THAN SUBJUGATN AND DISGRACE. I MANAGE ONLY A MUFFLED “HUH?”HE RPONDS SOFTLY MY EAR. “COME ON, I JT WANT TO SEE WHAT FEELS LIKE.”THIS MEANS NOTHG TO ME. I HAVE NO IA WHAT HE WANTS. HE TRI OTHER PS LOOKG FOR A WAY TO UNBUCKLE MY BELT AND HOLD ME DOWN AT THE SAME TIME. BUT HE N’T GRASP BOTH MY WRISTS WH ONE HAND. I REALIZE HE WANTS TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN TO HEIGHTEN MY HUIATN THE NEXT POLAROID. “OH NO!” I SAY. “THEN YOU’LL WANT MY UNRWEAR OFF TOO.” HE SAYS NOTHG SO I THK I AM RIGHT. “NOT GONNA HAPPEN!” I PROMISE HIM.ALL I N THK IS THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON IS GOG TO TAKE PICTUR THAT WILL MY LIFE. MIKE N SUFFOTE ME IF HE WANTS, BUT I WILL NOT HELP HIM STROY ME. I’VE BEEN LLED SISSY, U, FAIRY, AND QUEER ENOUGH MY LIFE NOT TO LET PICTUR NFIRM SPICNS.MY THOUGHTS TAKE A TURN I DON’T LIKE. WHOUT THE MERA, WHOUT WNS, THIS MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD. I THK ABOUT HOW IF NOBODY WAS WATCHG, MAYBE WE ULD EVEN PLAY AROUND WH THE RCG MACHE.THEN MIKE TIGHTENS HIS GRIP. DON REMAS WORDLS.MY MD REELS. “WHAT DID I EVER DO TO SERVE THIS?” I THK.FALLY, AFTER A LONG PSE AND WHOUT A WORD, MIKE RELEAS HIS GRIP AND LETS GO OF ME. HE SNTERS OVER TO DON WHO STARTS TALKG ABOUT SOMETHG ELSE LIKE NOTHG JT HAPPENED. I TCH MY BREATH AND B MY SORE WRIST, THKG I JT DODGED A TERRIBLE BULLET.THEN DON WHIRLS AROUND AND SHOUTS. “I HAVE AN IA!” HE THSTS THE MERA TO MIKE’S HAND. “SHOOT WHEN I SAY TO.” HE DROPS TO HIS KNE, UNBUCKL HIS BELT, AND PULLS DOWN HIS JEANS AND UNRWEAR AS HE LOWERS HIS HEAD TO THE FLOOR AND PH HIS ASS UP THE AIR. HE REACH BACK AND SPREADS HIS HAIRY ASS CHEEKS.I AM AGHAST.I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN AN BEFORE, NOT EVEN MY OWN A MIRROR; NEVER EVEN THOUGHT TO LOOK. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SEE SUCH A THG? I HOLD MY BREATH FEARG I MIGHT EVEN SMELL . WE ARE ALMOST THAT CLOSE.“NOW! TAKE A PICTURE!” DON SAYS.MIKE SQUATS DOWN AND LEANS FOR A CLOSE-UP. “WOW!”I HAVE NO WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS. I’M NFED BUT RELIEVED TO NO LONGER BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTN. DON PULLS UP HIS PANTS AND TURNS TO SEE THE RULT, A HUGE SE ON HIS FACE. I REALIZE WH DISMAY I’M DISAPPOTED HE DIDN’T REVEAL HIS ONT SI FIRST. “STOP !” I SILENTLY SNAP AT MYSELF.THE PHOTO IS CLEAR AND DISGTG. THERE IS NO DISCSN OF WHAT WILL BE DONE WH EHER OF THE TWO POLAROIDS. I WORRIED, BUT I NEVER AGA SAW THE ONE OF ME STGGLG UNR MIKE.AT A ATERNY MEETG WEEKS LATER, PLEDG BEG HAZED AND PADDLED WERE FORCED TO KNEEL AND KISS THE PICTURE OF DON’S ASSHOLE. I FELT APPALLED BUT RELIEVED THAT THE PHOTO OF MIKE DRY-HUMPG ME DIDN’T GET PASSED AROUND.WH THAT WRTLG CINT, THOUGH, AS WH EACH OF TOO MANY HUIATNS, I LEARN TO TST MEN LS. I LEARN TO THK ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT ATERNAL BONDS IS BULLSH. BUT I WANT VERY BADLY TO BELONG, TO BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, TO SURVIVE AND BE PART OF THE WORLD. I WILL DO JT ABOUT ANYTHG TO ACHIEVE THAT.YEARS LATER, I GRADUATED OM LLEGE AND MARRIED MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART JULIE GUTEN. I STILL REMEMBER HER ATTRACTIVE HIPS SWAYG UNR A PLAID SKIRT AS SHE WAS WALKED UP TO THE BLACKBOARD FRENCH III. WE WENT TO MY SENR PROM TOGETHER AND SHE LOOKED GEO A STARKLY AND SIMPLY CUT WHE EVENG GOWN.AFTER A CHAMPAGNE PARTY BEFORE THE PROM, WE DROVE TO DNER AT ELMWOOD PLANTATN MY BROTHER GEE’S NEW 1967 PLYMOUTH SPORT FURY. IT WAS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR BOTH OF EXCEPT SHE STGGLED THROUGH, SG WH A THROAT FECTN AND FEVER. SHE DID NOT ADM SHE WAS ILL UNTIL AFTER THE CHAMPAGNE PARTY. EVEN THEN SHE ASSURED ME SHE WAS FE.SHE WAS KD, SMART, SEXY, AND ELEGANT. SHE HAD GREAT TASTE AND SOMETHG I ULD NOT NAME THAT OTHER GIRLS JT DID NOT HAVE. EVEN HER WISNS ACCENT CHARMED ME.I LIKED HER BT IEND ROBERT MORTON WHO LIVED HER APARTMENT PLEX. HE DROVE A SHARP MG NVERTIBLE BUT HAD NO IENDS AT SCHOOL OTHER THAN JULIE. HE WAS EXCEPTNALLY GOOD-LOOKG WH VIVID BLUE EY AND A HEAVY BEARD SHADOW EVEN THE MORNG. I THOUGHT HE ULD HAVE ANY GIRL HE WANTED. BUT HE SEEMED WHDRAWN AND DID NOT DATE.WHEN JULIE MOVED BACK TO WISNS WH HER FAY THAT SUMMER, SHE LEFT WH MY SILVER ID BRACELET AS A SIGN OF OUR LOVE. WE KEPT TOUCH AND RENEWED OUR RELATNSHIP 1970, MARRYG JT BEFORE I STARTED LAW SCHOOL THE FOLLOWG YEAR.A FEW YEARS LATER HOTON, JULIE AND I WENT TO VIS ROBERT AND HIS VERY PRETTY WIFE. LATER STILL, JULIE HEARD OM HIS FAY THAT HE HAD DRIVEN HIS SPORTS R OFF A CLIFF AN APPARENT SUICI. WE BOTH AGREED, WHOUT MUCH DISCSN, THAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN BEE HE WAS GAY.WHEN I FALLY ADMTED I WAS GAY AFTER TWENTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE, JULIE AND I TEARFULLY PARTED. I JT ULDN’T GO ON LIKE THAT. SHE SAID MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. BACK THE SPRG OF 1967, DON CASPARY TOLD HER NOT TO WASTE HER TIME ON “A FAIRY” LIKE ME.“I DID NOT BELIEVE HIM,” JULIE TOLD ME WH A TEAR-STAED FACE AND A BROKEN HEART. OF URSE, BACK 1967, I DIDN’T BELIEVE EHER. THE MYSTERY WAS THAT DON KNEW EVEN THOUGH WE DID NOT.AFTER I ME OUT AND BEGAN TO LIVE AN THENTIC AND OPENLY GAY LIFE, I BEGAN TO THK MORE AND MORE ABOUT SEXUAL TON MY PAST, CLUDG THAT DAY AT MIKE’S HOE. I PLAYED THEM OVER AND OVER, OBSSG. IT FALLY DAWNED ON ME THAT WHEN MIKE WHISPERED MY EAR THAT HE JT “WANTED TO KNOW WHAT FELT LIKE,” HE MEANT HE WANTED TO FUCK ME.I HAVE WONRED EVER SCE HOW I ULD HAVE MISSED THAT VERY CLEAR TENT. AT 17, THE TTH WAS I HAD NEVER FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVG SEX WH MEN, LET ALONE ABOUT PASSIVE ANAL SEX, WHICH WAS UNTHKABLE.SO MIKE WAS TERTED SOMETHG THAT HAD NEVER OCCURRED TO THE BUDDG BUT REPRSED GAY TEEN I WAS THEN. MIKE, AS TURNED OUT, NEVER MARRIED OR HAD CHILDREN. I LEARNED MANY YEARS LATER THAT HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE A GIRLIEND OR TWO BUT NEVER MTED TO ONE. HE DIED OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK A FEW YEARS AGO.FOR ME, MIKE HAS BEE A FANTASY OF ATTRACTN. I RELIVE THOSE MOMENTS WISHG DON HAD NOT BEEN THERE, IMAGG MIKE’S STRONG EMBRACE AND HOT BREATH MY EAR. I WISH I HAD UNDONE MY BELT BUCKLE AS HE ASKED. I MIGHT HAVE DONE IF WE’D BEEN ALONE, JT TO FOOL AROUND. I THK I WAS RIGHT TO EXPECT MY UNRWEAR WOULD GO NEXT AND WHO KNEW WHAT THEN? MAYBE I WOULD HAVE REGNIZED MY LOVE FOR MEN AND NEVER MARRIED.I OFTEN THK THAT EVEN ONE EXPERIENCE, WHICH I REFULLY AND DILIGENTLY NEVER ALLOWED, ULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE.BUT I WOULD HAVE MISSED TWENTY VERY SPECIAL YEARS WH JULIE AND THE ULTIMATE GIFT OF OUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN. THAT, I NNOT WISH FOR.CLICK BELOW FOR CHAPTERS AVAILABLE SO FAR →

At 17, the tth was I had never fantasized about havg sex wh men, let alone about passive anal sex, which was Mike was terted somethg that had never occurred to the buddg but reprsed gay teen I was then. Origatg 1960s Japan, where  was known as “yaoi, ” BL typilly picts two men a homoerotic relatnship. Some LGBTQ activists have acced BL stori of fetishizg and appropriatg gay culture.