Mormon and Gay: What’s It Like To be a Gay Mormon?</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Mormon and Gay: What’s It Like To be a Gay Mormon?" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="For two Mormon men love southern Utah, the Church of Latter-day Sats' anti-LGBT policy was vastatg enough. When Church elrs doubled down, they did, too" /><meta name="keywords" ntent="gay mormon, church of latter-day sats, lgbt, gay rights, one year out" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="They Loved the Church. 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class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">One Year Out</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/news-polics/a45719/gay-mormon-muny/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="They Loved the Church. They Loved Each Other More." data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10asp0m e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">They Loved the Church. They Loved Each Other More.</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>They Loved the Church. They Loved Each Other More.<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>For two Mormon men love southern Utah, the Church of Latter-day Sats' anti-LGBT policy was vastatg enough. When Church elrs doubleddown, they did, too</p></div><style data-emotn="css 18k4ks7">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{le-height:2rem;font-size:0.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-18k4ks7 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1">By Lorena ONeil</span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Jun 24, 2016</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 1mi99c5">{background-lor:#FF3A30;lor:#000000;borr:th solid #FF3A30;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;marg-top:0rem;marg-bottom:0rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-transform:upperse;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;paddg-top:0.85rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;width:to;borr-radi:2rem;background:#FF3A30;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;letter-spacg:0.04rem;}{background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;cursor:poter;borr:th solid #FF3A30;} svg{fill:#000000;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{marg-left:1rem;} svg>path{fill:#000000;}{outle:0.125rem dotted #000000;outle-offset:0.2rem;} svg{fill:#000000;}</style><button data-tooltip-id="article-hear-save" class="ntentSaveButton css-1mi99c5 e12nq69g1"><style data-emotn="css 7g4d0s">{width:1rem;height:1rem;marg-right:0.625rem;} path{fill:#ffffff;} path{fill:#ffffff;}</style><svg xmlns=" fill="none" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" viewBox="0 0 24 24" class="css-7g4d0s e10k4xbi2"><tle>saved ntaed in</tle><sc>An empty outled in ditg the optn to save an em</sc><path fill-le="evenodd" d="m12 17.408 7 4.4V3.5H5v18.308l7-4.4Zm-5.325 1.323L12 15.384l5.325 3.347V5.23H6.675v13.5Z" clip-le="evenodd"></path></svg>Save Article</button><style data-emotn="css 13tt5c6">{width:160px;text-align:left;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;letter-spacg:0.045rem;font-size:0.70284rem;le-height:1.1;lor:#595959;text-transform:none;}</style></div></div></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css 19hdqy2">{posn:relative;paddg-top:1px;paddg-bottom:1px;background-lor:#fff;lor:#000;z-x:1;marg-top:-100vh;}</style><div class="css-19hdqy2 e1lwqu3p0"><style data-emotn="css 149neno">{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;max-width:m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2));} .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2);width:100vw;}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){ .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2) - 3.5rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){ .e152u5os0{paddg-left:0.1rem;paddg-right:0.1rem;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2));}}</style><div class="longform-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-149neno ewisyje2"><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body longform-body css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css am5pt0">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Garett Smh ss Kyle Cranney's lap, lghg and clappg, as Drag Donald Tmp emce at the Fire Hoe Bar & Grill. We're at a drag-show chary event St. Gee, Utah, to raise money for the ncer treatment of the mother of a gay man the muny, and the Fire Hoe is one of the few venu town that hosts LGBT events.</p><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">"Put your hands together if you're Mormon," Drag Donald shouts. "Do we clap?" Garrett asks. Their letters of rignatn om the Mormon church had been submted five months earlier; soon after, they received nfirmatn om the Church that their nam had been removed om the membership rerds. Kyle shgs and they both put their hands together. </p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Lda Stay, their close iend and future weddg officiate, walks over and giv both men large hugs. She's a "mama dragon," a term the Mormon muny to scribe mothers who fiercely advote for gay rights. "I thk every gay Mormon child wish for a mom like that," Garett says wistfully.</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Mut later, the lights dim and a belly dancer jumps onstage, slkg about wh a yellow snake around her neck while Brney Spears' "I'm a Slave 4 U" blasts the background. Kyle and Garett sip on hard cir, whisper each other's ears, and sneak quick kiss throughout the night. Kyle nearly los his voice om all of the supportive whoopg."There's no pri center or gay club or place that un ," Kyle says as he walks out to the night. "We don't see them a lot, but the people are our fay St. Gee." He timat that there are a few hundred LGBT people the area, wh about eight hundred alli who e to special events they anize. Kyle and Garett often fly to Salt Lake Cy to feel surround by a stronger LGBT muny.</p><style data-emotn="css d9wkvk">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="4" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><style data-emotn="css p7qblm">{posn:relative;--posn:absolute;height:to;} img{max-width:100%;height:to;} a{posn:absolute;}</style><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Entertament, Event, Performg arts, Party, Mic venue, Magenta, Dance, Public event, Audience, Dis, " tle="Entertament, Event, Performg arts, Party, Mic venue, Magenta, Dance, Public event, Audience, Dis, " loadg="lazy" width="2952" height="1968" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css 1i6sckr">{background:#c92228;bottom:0;paddg:.5rem;right:0;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.39rem;}}</style><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><style data-emotn="css 1l3i1cl">{display:block;height:1rem;width:1rem;}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:1.063rem;height:1.063rem;}}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><style data-emotn="css 1gccgwy">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}</style><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 1am3yn9">{paddg-left:0rem;le-height:1;}</style><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Lorena O'Neil</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="5" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span>Garett pots to a postrd of J taped to the wdshield of a r parked at the venue. "This is where we live," Kyle adds wh a halfhearted chuckle. They don't even feel fortable holdg hands public—"unls 's Sunday, when most people who wouldn't like are at Church," says the drive home, they pass the lol Mormon temple. "People tell not to thk about the Church and leave alone," says Kyle. "But 's everywhere you look." He's visibly trated. Dejected. Garett plac his hand over Kyle's. They keep drivg.</p><style data-emotn="css qplj0i">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;marg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.25rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.5rem;le-height:1.1;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><h2 data-no-id="6" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">THE APOSTATES</h2><p data-no-id="7" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">On November 5, 2015, Garett received a seri of distrght texts om his mother, Lda. She wanted her son to know that, for once, The Church of J Christ of Latter-day Sats did not reflect her views, and that her fah—until then unflappable—was beg tted.</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">A policy change to the Handbook, the manual Mormon lears e to enforce doctral nsistency across the Church, had jt been ma public: Mormons "same-genr marriag or siar relatnships" would be emed apostat at risk of exmunitn. Children of same-sex parents uld not be blsed, baptized, or ordaed to the prithood until they were eighteen, and only if they first disavowed their parents' relatnship and all other same-sex marriag. (The policy was later clarified to apply only to children whose primary rince is wh same-sex parents.)</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">This put children of LGBT upl at the same level as children of those who ascribe to a practice long ago abandoned by the Church: polygamy.</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span></p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="11" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'＂';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">The new policy puts children of LGBT upl on the same level as children of those who ascribe to a practice long ago abandoned by the Church: polygamy.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span>Garett was horrified. It had always been challengg to be gay and Mormon. The Church had often fought agast the risg ti of marriage equaly; s members were major fancial backers of 2008's Prop 8 California, which briefly banned same-sex marriage the state before beg overturned.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">After more progrsive Church members voiced strong disapproval, Garett, like many Mormons, believed the spirual lears were warmg to gay rights. The Church had been takg small but signifint steps forward, acknowledgg that beg gay isn't a choice and that fai should accept their LGBT loved on. </p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Their support for 2015's <style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn=""fairns for all"" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">"fairns for all"</a> legislatn Utah was praised by the LGBT muny both the state and across the untry. Church spokman Eric Hawks says, "the Church is on rerd repeatedly supportg rights for LGBT people, cludg the areas of hog and employment."This new policy, however, ed some ser existential whiplash.</p><style data-emotn="css 1736von">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:100%;marg:0 to 0.9375rem;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="15" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Grass, Plant, Jeans, Shirt, Shb, Denim, People nature, Garn, Lawn, Groundver, " tle="Grass, Plant, Jeans, Shirt, Shb, Denim, People nature, Garn, Lawn, Groundver, " loadg="lazy" width="3000" height="2000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><style data-emotn="css swqnqv">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 8h7i7x">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;letter-spacg:0.02rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Kyle Cranney and Garett Smh s on a lawn near the Historic Mormon Temple Salt Lake Cy, Utah.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ey Berl</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span>Garett remembered the day the <em data-redactor-tag="em">Obergefell</em> cisn was announced. It was June 26, 2015—a crystalle morng St. Gee, Utah. He was at home, aware the Supreme Court was releasg the lg, rehg his Twter feed every few mut. Kyle, his partner of nearly three years, was dog the same at his sk the offic of SkyWt Airl, where he was a systems-support supervisor. (Cranney was simultaneoly workg on his master's munitns at Southern Utah Universy; his this was on the Church's opns on LGBT issu.)</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When the cisn me down, legalizg same-sex marriage all across the natn, Garett felt an emotn he didn't often feel as a gay Mormon man: vditn. He read Jtice Anthony Kennedy's majory opn over and over. Kyle remembered beg so overwhelmed that he took a fifteen-mute break to walk around the buildg—he referred to as his "equaly lap." He me home for lunch wh Garett, a daily rual, to fd their entire meal—the cupk, sure, but also the grilled chicken and spach—rated wh rabow sprkl.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">That so few fay members lled them that day was an emotnal blow, but they were able to rdon off that pa. Now, jt four months later, the Church emed them apostat and threatened their future children. How far would this go?</p><h2 data-no-id="19" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">LDS VS. LGBT</h2><style data-emotn="css 1mtk2uq">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:70%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:70%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:0rem;float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:right;clear:right;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:60%;marg-left:1rem;marg-right:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:right;clear:right;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="20" class="align-right size-large embed css-1mtk2uq e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Drs shirt, Collar, Sleeve, Shoulr, Shirt, Denim, Standg, Jot, Jeans, Street fashn, " tle="Drs shirt, Collar, Sleeve, Shoulr, Shirt, Denim, Standg, Jot, Jeans, Street fashn, " loadg="lazy" width="2000" height="2500" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><style data-emotn="css 78jldq">{paddg-left:0rem;}</style><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Kyle Cranney</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ey Berl</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="21" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Kyle wrote his first rignatn letter om the Church 2011 after watchg a documentary about s volvement Prop 8. Fur, he prted the letter on crisp paper, refully signed his name at the bottom, and put an envelope. But he uld not brg himself to mail 'd do so twice more, redatg the same letter, each time not sendg LDS Church, headquartered Salt Lake Cy, has 15.6 ln members globally, wh 6.5 ln ridg the Uned Stat. (Some crics say the numbers are flated sce rignatn is tentnally plex and many of s members are active.) Statistilly, that means that the Church has hundreds of thoands of gay followers. Its official policy toward homosexualy is that "actg" on one's sire is a s and that same-sex marriage is agast God's will.</p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Kyle, twenty-six, and Garett, twenty-four, have had a long, plited relatnship wh the relign to which they were born. Both of their Mormon herag trace back to the origal Utah pneers the mid-neteenth century. Growg up, they were extremely volved the Church, attendg three-hour servic every Sunday, participatg Church-related activi for two hours or more each week, unrgog many hours of extracurricular Church-tn class durg high school. They grew up Utah towns wh populatns of fewer than eight thoand—Kyle Vernal, Garett Wt Haven—and their ma teractns as children were wh the Mormon muny. Garett remembers pyg the non-Mormons his town, thkg they didn't know what they were missg out on. Neher of them associated wh or even knew any apostat.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="23" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">The Church's official policy toward homosexualy is that "actg" on one's sire is a s and that same-sex marriage is agast God's will. </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="24" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Kyle, the youngt of eight, started feelg disillned wh the Church at a young age as a reactn agast how pretermed his future seemed. A Mormon man's life, pecially Utah, often followed the same stctured path: baptism at eight, prithood at twelve, missnary work at eighteen or neteen, marriage upon returng home. As Kyle beme creasgly aware of his sexualy, he rejected this life plan more and more.</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">At fourteen, he asked iends and fay to stop llg him by his first name, Matthew, and sisted on gog by his middle name, Kyle. "Matthew had all of the expectatns," says Kyle. "Matthew was gog to go on a missn and marry his bt iend, Hanah, who lived up the street." In beg Kyle, he took the first step toward sheddg such unwanted expectatns.</p><style data-emotn="css gv3b6u">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{clear:both;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:70%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:70%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{width:60%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:0rem;float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{width:60%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{width:60%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{width:60%;marg-right:1rem;marg-left:lc(-30% - 1rem);float:left;clear:left;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="26" class="align-left size-large embed css-gv3b6u e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Ear, Drs shirt, Hairstyle, Collar, Sleeve, Forehead, Eyebrow, Shirt, Jaw, Crew cut, " tle="Ear, Drs shirt, Hairstyle, Collar, Sleeve, Forehead, Eyebrow, Shirt, Jaw, Crew cut, " loadg="lazy" width="2000" height="2500" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Garett Smh</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ey Berl</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="27" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">For years he ntued actg as a dutiful, vout Mormon son. When his fay moved to Bolivia so his parents uld serve as missnari, Kyle helped baptize new members. All the while, he silently disassociated om the relign. A year after returng to the U.S. and jt before his neteenth birthday, he moved out of his parents' home and stopped gog to servic. It took him years to shake the feelg that he had sned agast the God his fay believed but whom he no longer uld.</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Garett also was weighed down by the burn of faial and munal expectatns. He's one of six, and the son of a bishop. He stggled wh his sexualy and his relign when he was younger, even ntemplatg suici. "I would pray that God would lete me," he says.</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Garett felt like two of his intifyg quali—relign and sexualy—were at odds, engaged a tug-of-war that left him ltle choice but to lead a double life. He beme closer wh iends outsi of the Church, fdg mon ground wh non-Mormons.</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">At seventeen, he told his parents he had "same-genr attractn." Before dog so, he asked his mother to wre a letter tailg how much she red about him. He wanted tangible proof of her love, should relign ever e her to change her md.</p><p data-no-id="31" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">While servg on his missn the Philipp 2012 and still the closet to all but a few people, Garett felt exhsted by his double life. He asked to be sent home om his missn, and when Church lears risted, he revealed that he had had a physil relatnship wh a boy back home. He was brought back right away.</p><p data-no-id="32" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Upon his return to Utah, Garett was summoned to appear at a Church disciplary uncil, lloquially referred to as the Court of Love. He faced four Church lears, many of whom he'd known for years, who asked Garett to disclose timate tails about his former relatnship. Garett felt huiated, tellg the men thgs he wasn't fortable sharg wh even his clost iends. Dpe their prsure, he refed to repent and would not apologize.</p><p data-no-id="33" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Garett was told the spir had moved the lears to le favor of disfellowshipment—jt one step below exmunitn.</p><p data-no-id="34" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Some months later he returned to St. Gee—before his missn he was studyg for an associate's gree—to go back to llege. He got a job as a surgil technologist, and he is currently applyg to medil months after movg, he met Kyle on Twter through a mutual iend.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="35" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Garett stggled wh his sexualy and his relign. "I would pray that God would lete me," he says.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><h2 data-no-id="36" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">A FADING FAITH</h2><p data-no-id="37" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Before the apostate policy, was easy for Garett and Kyle to play down the threat of the Church's views on LGBT rights. But they have always wanted to start a fay, and this was too much. After many late nights and long nversatns, they cid to rign om the Church of J Christ of Latter-day Sats met Mark Ngle, a Salt Lake Cy lawyer who assists clients wh this plex and often paful procs, through an ex-Mormon support group on Redd. Ngle's approach—as middleman between his clients and the Church—helps prevent Church lears om reachg out an attempt to change his clients' mds. Prr to the apostate-policy release, Ngle says he procsed around three hundred rignatns five years.</p><p data-no-id="38" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">He received almost two thoand emails the first seventy-two hours after the new policy beme public.</p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="39" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="People, Event, Jeans, Denim, Prott, Public event, Jacket, Rebelln, Banner, Poster, " tle="People, Event, Jeans, Denim, Prott, Public event, Jacket, Rebelln, Banner, Poster, " loadg="lazy" width="1483" height="1042" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Prottors gather on the day of the mass Church rignatn Salt Lake Cy, Utah.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">David McNew/Getty</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="40" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Sce then, he has facilated nearly ne thoand requts to leave the Church. A mass rignatn was staged Salt Lake Cy on November 14, 2015, durg which fifteen hundred Mormons submted paperwork to Ngle. He and other anizers helped protters fill out rignatn documents. Some people stood le for an hour and a half, holdg rabow flags and signs wh msag like "LDS: Love Don't Separate." Many people walked over to the nearby temple and posed the letters a public mailbox outsi the temple's office.</p><p data-no-id="41" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Neher Kyle nor Garett wanted to hurt their fai wh their actns, but they also wanted to leave wh a higher purpose. "We wanted to make sure our rignatn was unted the number of people leavg so they would know was related to this policy," says Garett, lookg at Kyle as he speaks. "I felt a strong obligatn to be out there for other gay Mormons to see."</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">"It was an act of prott," adds Kyle, lockg ey wh Garett and noddg cisn did not e easily, but once they submted the paperwork—on November 10—they felt relief. That night, they met another gay Mormon uple at Olive Garn for a celebratn over pasta and a bottle of whe for Kyle's brother and sister--law, they did not tell their fai. They still haven't to this day.</p><h2 data-no-id="43" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">COGNITIVE DISSONANCE</h2><p data-no-id="44" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">Kyle's and Garett's relatnships wh their fai are fed om lite balanc, unspoken arguments, quiet tensns, and ep faial morng April, Kyle and Garett vis the Smhs at the Wt Haven hoe which Garett grew up, 350 northeast of St. Gee. It's Sunday, and Garett's parents and four of his siblgs have jt gotten back om church. They're wag for Garett and Kyle to arrive before diggg to the enormo meal Garett's mother has prepared, which clus a dish lled "funeral potato"—potato, chee, cream chee, and onns— she ma pecially for Kyle.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="45" class="align-right size-large embed css-1mtk2uq e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Dock, Bridge, Lumber, Pier, " tle="Dock, Bridge, Lumber, Pier, " loadg="lazy" width="780" height="975" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Garett and his brother Logan as children.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Courty of The Smh Fay</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="46" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span>The only siblg not prent is Logan, who is Geia—the untry, not the state—as a Peace Corps volunteer. He is also openly gay, but unlike Garett, he is celibate. His relign and his homosexualy are equal parts of him, and he says he don't want to put "eher inty the closet." He don't le out eventually datg, should he meet the right person—man or woman (he's dated both). If he's exmunited as a rult, he will ntue on wh his personal Mormon fah practic.</p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">After g out to his fay 2012, one of his biggt fears was how Garett would react to his cisn to rema active the Church. Sure enough, Garett was vastated. In Garett's md, Logan's cisn to rema relig valued the work he'd done to get his parents to accept him. Garett uld only assume that his parents believed they had one gay son who stayed celibate orr to bt serve his fah, and another who abandoned relign to have a meangful relatnship.</p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span>Logan has never wished to be seen as the good gay son. And no one, cludg his parents, Lda and Shawn, has ever said that's the se. They ed to thk of Garett as gay and Logan as havg "same-genr attractn," as if one is a more ser form of the same medil ndn. But now "I've learned that beg gay is not somethg that they choose," says Shawn. "I'm so glad my ey have been opened," says Lda."Garett really began to live when he found Kyle," says Shawn, fifty-three. He and Lda, fifty-one, huddle together on the uch to and his fay rema active the LDS muny. They all hold posns the Church, pay thg, and wear Mormon garments.</p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Shawn was disappoted by the November policy, which affected not only Garett but Logan, too. At 5 a.m. after the policy was released, Shawn, unable to sleep, sent his thoughts to his wife and two gay children: "How do I rencile wh my fah or Church when is distancg self om my sons and me? I believe cln, not excln. You say, 'That's easy, jt leave your Church.' Is ? What about the other children I have that have the same beliefs and practic as I? How will not rip apart?"</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="50" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Logan has never wished to be seen as the good gay son.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="51" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Lda, like Shawn, was vastated by the policy, seeg as yet another door beg shut her sons' fac. Over time, they've renciled their fay wh their fah by viewg the policy as a clarifitn of a posn on homosexualy the Church already says sometim people ask her how she n be part of a Church that don't accept her sons. "I say, 'How uld I not?' I need to have that to get through the hard tim." She tears up when asked about Garett's and Kyle's spirual futur. Apostat, after all, do not ascend to the hight level of heaven. Shawn puts an arm around her as she stggl to rega her posure, but her voice still breaks. "That's really what keeps my fah. I jt hope that the next life will all make sense. I have to have fah that my God is a lovg God."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="52" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Esquire\'s One Year Out</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/news-polics/a44938/one-year-out-marriage-equaly/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="A Massive Celebratn of Marriage Equaly" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="OYO" tle="OYO" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">A Massive Celebratn of Marriage Equaly</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="53" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Over Skype a few days later, Kyle's parents say they feel siarly. They are servg an eighteen-month stt as missnari Colombia. Steve Cranney says he's hurt when he logs to Facebook and se Kyle or Garett wrg negative ments about the Church, so he his those posts om his feed. He says he and his wife, Lrel, pray that Kyle's and Garett's hearts will soften and their animosy toward the Church will 's fay prefers to avoid nflict and nontatn. "I don't image the emotns or thgs they al wh are easy for them," says Kyle. "I still rpect the relatnship I have wh them. We are still a tight-kn fay, even though we have this wedge between ."</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="54" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Archecture, Fa, Spire, Metropolan area, Landmark, Steeple, Church, Urban area, Chapel, Place of worship, " tle="Archecture, Fa, Spire, Metropolan area, Landmark, Steeple, Church, Urban area, Chapel, Place of worship, " loadg="lazy" width="3000" height="2000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ey Berl</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="55" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Steve, seventy-one, and Lrel, sixty-eight, are matter-of-fact when speakg about the Church and homosexualy, which they nsir to be sometim at odds wh each other whout terferg wh the profound love they have for their son."We love the Church; the Church is our life," says Steve."We love our kids," adds Lrel."And we do the bt we n do wh both," says Steve.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="56" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">Kyle and Garett's relatnship wh their fai is one fed om lite balanc, unspoken arguments, quiet tensns, and ep faial love.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><h2 data-no-id="57" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">DOUBLING DOWN</h2><p data-no-id="58" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">This past January, LDS Church Elr Rsell M. Nelson announced that the apostate policy was termed to be a "revelatn" om God. The tent of the change was to protect the children: If a child raised by same-sex parents wants to be baptized to the Church, which teach that their parents' relatnship is ntrary to God's laws, there will evably be nflict. To many gay Mormons, this was spirually cshg: Polici are guil, but revelatns are dive.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="59" class="align-right size-large embed css-1mtk2uq e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Drs shirt, Coat, Collar, Outerwear, Su, Formal wear, Stg, Blazer, Tie, Su troers, " tle="Drs shirt, Coat, Collar, Outerwear, Su, Formal wear, Stg, Blazer, Tie, Su troers, " loadg="lazy" width="1308" height="1569" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-78jldq e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">LDS Church Elr Rsell Nelson</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Gee Frey/Getty</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="60" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Mormons believe fai are eternal, and when someone leav the Church by personal rignatn or through Church disciple, the future of their relatnships is lled to qutn, here on earth and otherwise. "The Church has given LGBT youth a very bleak choice," says Mch Mayne, an openly gay Mormon and former lear a California ngregatn, rponse to the recent revelatn. "Eher choose a life of lonels and celibacy and quiet speratn or be expelled om your fay, your culture, and your church, not jt for now but for all of eterny." Mayne explas that by sayg the policy was "revelatn om God," Elr Nelson elevated to near-doctral stat. "It's the ultimate way of sayg that God hat gay people." (The Church's official stance, acrdg to the se , is "God lov all his children alike, much more than any of n prehend, and expects to follow.")</p><p data-no-id="61" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Addg to the heartache was the fact that for years LGBT Mormons had hoped that Church elrs would e precisely this revelatn procs to reem and accept their sexualy, jt as they had 1978 wh a revelatn that extend membership rights to "all worthy Church members," says Church spokperson Eric Hawks, thereby reversg a policy that exclud black men om the prithood. (Women ntue to be banned.)</p><p data-no-id="62" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Meanwhile, Kyle proposed to Garett Febary at the Mystery Espe Room St. Gee. He set up brilliantly, tellg Garett they were for a fun eveng wh their iends. Kyle then pretend he had to leave for a work emergency. Garett and their iends head to the event, durg which they were locked a room filled wh puzzl they had to solve wh sixty mut to pe. Garett opened the last puzzle box and found a rg si. "What's this?" he asked his iends. "Is that the way to unlock the door?"</p><p data-no-id="63" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">His iends urged him to answer a knock at the door, but stead he sisted on tryg to fd a place to put the rg. Fally, one of their iends let Kyle . Becked a tuxedo, he got down on one knee, took the rg out of Garett's hand, and proposed."Of urse," said Garett, who pulled his now-fiancé up, kissed him, and embraced him tightly.</p><h2 data-no-id="64" class="article-sub-tle css-qplj0i et3p2gv0">A HEAVENLY WEDDING</h2><p data-no-id="65" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><span data-redactor-tag="span" data-verified="redactor"></span></p><p data-no-id="66" class="dropp css-am5pt0 et3p2gv0">The morng before the drag show, Kyle and Garett vis the amphheater Zn Natnal Park where they'll be married October, surround by views of dty red mountas abuttg the expansive blue sky.</p><p data-no-id="67" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><em data-redactor-tag="em">Zn</em> is a term lan wh meang Mormon culture, a momento ial for the early Mormon pneers, who head wt to seek a place of refuge. It is a unified state of beg where "the Lord's people" n fd peace. The irony is not lost on Kyle and Garett. "We might have a ltle different Zn than everyone else's Zn," says Kyle. "In a way, we're g Zn as a refuge for our marriage."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="68" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"People tell not to thk about the Church and leave alone," says Kyle. "But 's everywhere you look." </blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="69" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">They are unsure which of their fay members will e. Garett says some of his extend fay may tentnally leave behd their children. Kyle's parents will vis om Colombia, and he thks all of his siblgs will e, but 's unclear if they will brg their are worried about ra, but not for the reason you would expect—Kyle says he don't want anyone thkg means God's cryg on their weddg day, a sign of dive thg is fe: "It's gog to be a lot of people's first gay weddg," says Garett.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="70" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><div class="css-p7qblm ewcw41w0"><img alt="Ear, Fun, Kiss, Red, Wrist, Interactn, Romance, Orange, Love, Friendship, " tle="Ear, Fun, Kiss, Red, Wrist, Interactn, Romance, Orange, Love, Friendship, " loadg="lazy" width="3000" height="2000" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="//" class="ptert css-1i6sckr e1c1bym14"><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/" loadg="lazy" alt="ptert in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1l3i1cl ewcw41w1" /></a></div><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ey Berl</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="71" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Kyle and Garett now both intify as agnostic and are uncerta whether an afterlife exists, but they say they will work the Mormon ncept of "for time and eterny" to their marriage vows.</p><p data-no-id="72" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">"It's a Mormon doctre: If you get married a temple, you are married for time and eterny. If you get married a secular way, you are married until ath," says Garett.</p><p data-no-id="73" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">No matter what the Church says, Kyle and Garett are termed to be married for eterny.</p><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div></div></div><div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.125rem;le-height:1.2;}}</style><h6 class="css-un61 e10xr3vp0"> </h6></div><style data-emotn="css b3y6x">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;--aspect-rat:56.25%;} {posn:absolute;marg:0rem;}{ntent:"";display:block;height:0rem;width:100%;}@media(max-width: 30rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.16) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 30rem) and (max-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((45% / 1.43) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem) and (max-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((33% / 1.40) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.36) + 20px + 1.66em);}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-bottom:lc((25% / 1.46) + 20px + 1.66em);}}</style><div class="__rp-ntaer css-b3y6x e6l0f0"><style data-emotn="css 1yu8e3d">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;width:100%;height:100%;} .__rp-ntaer{height:to;}</style><div data-embed="embed-vio" class="vio-player css-1yu8e3d e1ou1fny0"><style data-emotn="css 1uds6oo">{height:100%;width:100%;posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-1uds6oo e1f7ylgd6"><style data-emotn="css w2pm9t">{background-lor:rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.4);borr:.1875rem solid whe;borr-radi:50%;lor:#fff;cursor:poter;height:3.75rem;left:50%;posn:absolute;-webk-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-moz-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-ms-transform:translate(-50%,-50%);transform:translate(-50%,-50%);-webk-transn:all 0.4s;transn:all 0.4s;width:3.75rem;z-x:1;}.e1f7ylgd6:hover {background-lor:rgba(33, 150, 245, 0.8);lor:#ffffff;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{top:26%;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{top:29.5%;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{top:32.5%;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{top:34.5%;height:5.625rem;width:5.625rem;borr:.28125rem solid whe;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{top:35%;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{top:35.8%;}}</style><button aria-label="Play Vio" class="css-w2pm9t e1f7ylgd1"><style data-emotn="css 1lhf7lq">{fill:#ffffff;height:1.4rem;vertil-align:middle;width:1.45rem;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{width:2.3125rem;height:3rem;}}</style><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" style="fill: var(--primary, #000);" role="img" tle="Play" class="css-1lhf7lq e1f7ylgd2"><tle>play in

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