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ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__body4--Pl3xY">Other</div></button></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="post-hear"><h1 class="post-tle unpublished">The Agony of “Gay” “Cema”: The Broken Hearts Club</h1><h3 class="subtle">Someone please check on Greg Berlanti. I hope he’s ok. </h3><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-bottom-16--KVxKv"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-y-16--ohCEm"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-jtify-start--_8fEd ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-align-center--rSd6h ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-12--rODKq"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flexGrow--mx4xz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt 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ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ratn-hover-unrle--BEYAn ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ">John Rsell</a></div></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-4--zeW5_"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-11--k1e8b ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-medium--x7khA ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-meta--U_nxy ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-pub-sendary-text--OzRTa ontend-pencraft-Text-module__transform-upperse--IDkUL ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__meta--jzHdd">May 17, 2022</div></div></div></div></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flexGrow--mx4xz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt 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this post</div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-32--uRr14 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-x-24--ViY5j ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-top-32--hE9Ly ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-bottom-48--OND"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-8--wF5Sz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-tail--MiH57 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-radi-12--AmQy9 social-preview-box post"><div class="social-image-box"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" /><img src=" siz="100vw" alt loadg="lazy" width="120" class="ontend-ponents-rponsive_img-module__img--Pgjj2 social-image" /></picture></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-y-8--exiCC ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-left-12--eE6bp"><h4 class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-16--fFowu ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-bold--Ps9DB ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-primary--ud4Z0 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__hear4--hH3cg">The Agony of “Gay” “Cema”: The Broken Hearts Club</h4><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-14--Ume6q ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-normal--s54Wf ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__body4--Pl3xY"></div></div></div><div class="pencraft 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viewBox="0 0 24 24" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-msage-circle"><path d="m3 21 1.9-5.7a8.5 8.5 0 1 1 3.8 3.8z"></path></svg></g></svg></a></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-8--HFpIK"><a role="button" href="javascript:void(0)" class="post-ufi-button style-button no-in has-label wh-borr"><div class="label">Share</div></a></div></div></div></div><div class="visibily-check"></div><div class class><div class="available-ntent"><div dir="to" class="body markup"><p><span>Is your heart broken? Perhaps you will be terted this club, which is not so much a club as a group of iends/-workers/roommat/reluctant softball team who are all gay dus who live Wt Hollywood. Y, today we are revisg future Arrowverse creator Greg Berlanti’s </span><em>The Broken Hearts Club</em><span>.</span><em> </em><span>This 2000 “romantic edy” is kd of a riff on </span><em>The Boys the Band</em><span>, that both center on groups of gay iends who </span><em>psychologilly torture each other</em><span>. And actually, I don’t thk any of the characters’ </span><em>hearts</em><span> are broken so much as their </span><em>souls</em><span> have been oblerated by ternalized homophobia, late 90s mall fashn, and also livg Los Angel. So, not </span><em>que</em><span> as miserable as the boys </span><em>The Boys the Band</em><span>, but still kda miserable. Here we go!</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="825" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" fetchprry="high" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>The first thg we see onscreen is a refn of the word “meanwhile,” bee one of the thgs about the group of gays at the center of this movie is that they have their very own specific lexin of words and whatnot. “Meanwhile,” the ntext of </span><em>The Broken Hearts Club</em><span> is what you say when you want to subtly alert your fellow gays to the prence of a hot guy wh your immediate vicy. (My bt girliend llege was extremely charmed by this.)</span></p><p><span>We cut to four guys havg ffee and talkg about straight guys stuff. You know, sports gam, tomobil, drks that taste gross. That stuff. Except SURPRISE! All </span><em>the </em><span>guys are entirely gay, and this is jt a fun game they play: they make heterosexual male noise wh their mouths and whoever betrays his gayns first has to pay for all the latt. FUUUUUUUUUN. Particularly as, I thk, a total of two of the actors this whole movie were actually openly gay.</span></p><p><strong>Anyway:</strong><span> a term ed to elegantly segue away om rantg about homophobia as relat to Hollywood stg cisns the late 90s which persists to this very day.</span></p><p><em>Anyway</em><span>… Zack Braff, a bleached blon party boy wh a tribal tattoo and a wallet cha and a thg for “gym bunni” (more on this later) is the loser bee he says “Amen, girliend!” The other gays havg ffee are: Timothy Olyphant, a handsome normal gay photographer; Glass who is always secure and gmpy and too smart for everyone else I gus bee of his glass; and Skipper om </span><em>Sex and the Cy</em><span> who is hioly ugly and hat himself and all his iends and all other gays and maybe also women and might be actually suicidal? Someone this movie should really get Skipper some help! </span></p><p>This is only about half of the ma characters this movie! There’s also Republin former Superman Dean Ca, who is the handsomt, sexit man Wt Hollywood. But he’s also a heartls d who mak all the boys fall love wh him and then dumps them g a prepared script. Bee also he’s an actor. Then there’s Billy Porter, the only Black person the rt of the guys know, whose fg characteristic at the begng is that he is a long-term relatnship and very smug about , and later is that he is sassy and seems to be the only one of the guys who don’t fully hate himself. There’s also Jack, the only old person any of the guys know. Jack, who is played by the late fely-not-out actor John Mahoney, owns the rtrant where everyone works and is nstantly tryg to get everyone to play softball.</p><p><span>There’s this very horrible scene, mid-openg creds where Glass and Skipper om </span><em>Sex and the Cy</em><span> are shoppg and Glass gets mad bee he thks a cute guy only thks he’s “a fag” bee he’s wh Skipper. Bee beg intifiably gay is the worst thg you n be this movie for some reason? (The reason is ternalized homophobia.) So, then they start askg strangers if they n tell if Glass is “a fag.” And everyone benignly lls him gay slurs. HA HA HA HA HA.</span></p><p><span>Also mid-creds, the guy Dean Ca is breakg up wh loudly lls him a “bottom boy” a crowd rtrant, which is the other worst possible thg you n be acrdg to </span><em>The Broken Hearts Club</em><span>. So, we’re off to a great start.</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="697" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p>It’s Timothy Olyphant’s birthday and on the way to his party, Glass is fightg wh his on-aga-off-aga boyiend, pot smoker Jt Theroux. It’s…kd of unclear what their issue is, but I thk ’s that Glass hat that Jt Theroux smok so much pot and…thks he’s better than him? But he lik to have gay sex wh him still. And Jt Theroux…lov him for some reason? He’s like, “I wa sperately for the day for you to lm down and wake up and realize you love me!” So, that’s their terrible dynamic.</p><p><span>And now, more vobulary! </span><strong>Newbie:</strong><span> a sweet, experienced newly out gay boy, “sted for heartbreak.” A young person! An nocent! An genue! In this stance, Kev (Andrew Keegan om </span><em>10 Thgs I Hate About You</em><span>), Zack Braff’s -worker om Stcture (!!!) who he’s kda to. But tragilly, he troduc Kev to Dean Ca at the party and Dean Ca </span><em>immediately </em><span>starts htg on the wee lad, who is smten by his handsomens and mcl. Dean Ca is the worst!</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="639" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p>So, Timothy Olyphant is v exced and nervo bee some guy he hooked up wh on New Year’s Eve is at the party! But jt as they are puttg their tongu si each other’s fac disaster strik! Billy Porter’s long-term hbone has left him for a personal traer named Dash. He is distrght, due to heartbreak, but also bee of TO’s mic selectn. “No Bette, no Judy! What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here se of emergency?”</p><p><span>Everyone is tryg to be supportive—except for Skipper om </span><em>Sex and the Cy</em><span>, who is basilly like, “I told you so!” See, Skipper is hioly ugly which mak him bter and miserable, so he wants everyone else to be miserable too. “This is the time the eveng when all the prettier boys hook up anyway, so I’m jt gonna leave now,” he huffs. Skipper is also pretty much the worst. But that don’t stop his lbian sister om askg him for his sperm so she n impregnate her girliend, Nia Long, who Skipper also hat! Lerally, he’s droppg her off after the party his 1997 VW New Beetle, and she’s jt like “Oh, BTW, n we have some sperms?”</span></p><p><span>Meanwhile ( the tradnal sense), the party is over and Timothy Olyphant is now gog to hook up aga wh that guy om New Year’s. But first, </span><em>Fraiser</em><span>’s dad gets all judgmental and is like, “You shouldn’t have so much meangls sex!” TO is jt like, “Haha, good night beloved old troll who n’t possibly unrstand youthful sexual ltgs!” Except then when he’s tryg to do sex wh the New Year’s guy, he n’t do bee New Year’s guy…don’t like The Carpenters? And TO </span><em>lov</em><span> The Carpenters. (But…didn’t we jt tablish that he didn’t have enough sad gay mic amongst all his pact discs? Are The Carpenters not sad and gay enough for Billy Porter this scenar?) Also, TO is havg a very sudn epiphany:</span></p><p>“I’m tired of havg sex wh people who only re what I look like!” he handsomely says. “I want somethg…more…”</p><p><span>So, he kicks the guy om New Year’s out and go to the kchen where he fds young Kev, hly shagged by Dean Ca (who is Timmy O’s roommate) and eatg birthday ke alone. Which is a 100% normal thg to do. I mean, who </span><em>hasn’t</em><span> hooked up wh someone they jt met and then, stead of leavg that person’s hoe, slipped off to their kchen to eat ke the dark while they slept?</span></p><p>TO: “Ah, I see that you are enjoyg the tradnal post gay sex lonely ssert urse, young stranger.”</p><p><span>Kev the newb se that TO is havg some sort of sad and so sists that he make a birthday wish bee “everyone knows that birthday wish are the only on wh any real validy.” </span><em>Is</em><span> that somethg that everyone knows? But never md that bee is wee Kev </span><em>flirtg</em><span> wh Timalyphont??? He lerally jt took Dean Ca’s dick out of his mouth! Also, he me to the party as Zack Braff’s date! Also also, he’s like: “All you gay guys do is s around gayly talkg about gay stuff and how you want do gay stuff to other guys. That’s so </span><em>GAY!</em><span>” TWIST: Kev is not jt a newbie, he’s not even out spe the fact that 1) he works at Stcture and 2) his mouth was mere moments ago filled wh Dean Ca’s Republin penis. This kid is all kdsa mixed up, Timberly! Throw him out on the street immediately!</span></p><p><span>(We should pse to appreciate the cloth this movie. Everyone is wearg wi legged pater pants and shy untucked short sleave button-ups and ltle necklac and chunky sandals and boxy sweaters! I’m havg </span><em>vivid</em><span> flashbacks of shoppg at Gadzooks the mall 1998! Which…actually, is all of this back style now??? It is, isn’t ? Oh god!)</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="661" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>Next, we learn about “gay man’s therapy,” which acrdg to this movie is plag about your bt iends who are all g your life to your stylist who is </span><em>Jennifer fuckg Coolidge!</em><span> (I should note here that </span><em>my</em><span> versn of therapy is watchg the Uzo Aduba reboot of </span><em>In Treatment</em><span>, so I’m dog GREAT.)</span></p><p>Another thg we learn is that all of the guys want to be Dean Ca, whom they scribe as: geo, soulls, and pletely “straight-actg,” which was the soul-ang, self-loathg, heteronormative way we ed to scribe nventnally mascule gays the 90s, and feels super ironic g out of the mouths of all of the STRAIGHT ACTORS. Hontly, this one term ma me want to stop watchg this movie and spend an hour wh my therapist, Uzo Aduba.</p><p>Then there is a scene which Billy Porter, who is now stayg wh TO and DC, has rerated their livg room:</p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="627" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>Thimotée Olyphant on the new livg room: “Thanks to Mufasa here, ’s now a Tunisian hut.” Hahaha! Casual late 90s racism! All the straight whe dus and Greg Berlanti and all of owe Billy Porter an apology for this potls scene, and if you were to stop here and jt go watch </span><em>Pose</em><span> now, I wouldn’t try to stop you.</span></p><p><span>Movg on. Openly straight-actg straight actor Dean Ca is up for a part a movg picture, so he needs Oltimmyphont to bake him some new headshots or whatever. In TO’s dark room, he asks Dean Ca what’s up wh that tenr young Kev kid, and Dean Ca is like, “Kev who now?” bee he’s a heartls handsome playboy. Except, Dean Ca pots out, TO has apparently done que a b of Fuck and Runng himself. See, this movie is very ncerned wh whether gay men (played by straight actors) n have functnal romantic relatnships the ntext of a sexually permissive subculture that is obssed wh youth and bety. Except don’t take the next ccial step, which is askg </span><em>why</em><span> all the handsome promiscuo dus have such low self-teem. It’s more terted beg tty about gay culture than criqug a homophobic society that teach gays om an early age that romance, mment, etc. is not </span><em>for them</em><span>, that their relatnships have no value, and no one uld possibly love them bee they are, ep down, perverted monsters. Which, fe, ’s a “romantic edy”—’s right there the subtle! But also, I wonr how </span><em>The Broken Hearts Club</em><span> would have been different if </span><em>The Velvet Rage</em><span> had been around for Greg Berlanti to read the 90s.</span></p><p><span>Later, everyone is playg soft balls, and they are all hilarly bad due to homosexualy. Lerally Zack Braff (bucket hat, rgo shorts, wallet cha) and Glass are makg danln chas the outfield, which is #relatable. Also, they are playg agast the firemen who are all stupid hot, and everyone thks one of them has to be gay. Dean Ca says ’s the other team’s tcher (waka waka) who is the “’mo,” but Zack Braff says no, he’s a total “breer.” And like…I gotta say, all the gay slang and slurs sound extremely terrible g out of the straight men’s mouths. </span><em>Anyway</em><span>… Dean Ca was right! The tcher is a gay-wad and he gets his number.</span></p><p><span>Young Kev is also at the game bee he and Dean Ca are still kda datg I gus? And while Dean Ca is dog sports, Timmieopholamet pots out </span><em>Frasier</em><span>’s dad’s hbone, who is another crep old geezer that always wears only purple, so everyone lls him Purple Guy bee </span><em>none of the monsters</em><span> </span><em>has ever learned his name or bothered to fuckg talk to him</em><span> due to his hio elrls! Lerally, Timmypants wonrs out loud what </span><em>Frasier</em><span>’s dad uld </span><em>possibly</em><span> see someone so old and visibly fem, bee what kd of sick fuck uld possibly love a disgtg old fag???</span></p><p><span>So, now that Dean Ca has the tcher’s number, ’s time for him to break up wh Kev. Weirdly, everyone tak this extremely personally and they’re all very upset wh Dean Ca. But Dean Ca surprisgly wisely pots out that that kid is </span><s>possibly still high school</s><span> not out and don’t need a boyiend right now. What he needs is </span><s>a group of self-hatg dysfunctnal -pennt olr gays</s><span> </span><em>iends</em><span>. So, Tolyfonts go off to beiend young Kev.</span></p><p>Glass, however se right through this nonsense: “He wants to sleep wh him.”</p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="637" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>Yeeeeah, Timophant’s beiendship is </span><em>distctly </em><span>flirty. He tak Kev to a gallery and explas gayns to him. Then they wanr all over L.A. talkg about life and how TO wants to n away to Europe to velop his photographic voice (???), but he n’t bee if he strays more than 100 yards om his terrible iends, they will all explo.</span></p><p><span>Meanwhile, everyone else is at </span><em>Fasier</em><span>’s dad’s rtrant where Glass is rantg about “gay” “cema.” (Ugh. Oh, no. </span><em>AM I GLASSES???</em><span>) “Image if they ma a film about ? Our group of iends?” Y. Image. But we’ll never know what that might be like, bee jt then Glass ns to Jt Theroux, who is on a date, at the bar. Dick move brgg a date to the only rtrant where your on-aga-off-aga love of your life hangs out and probably also works, Jt Theroux!</span></p><p><span>Skipper is there too beg sad bee his sister keeps prsurg him to give his sperm to Nia Long. </span><em>Fasier</em><span>’s dad fds him the kchen and mak this very…</span><em>ght</em><span> observatn:</span></p><p><em>Fasier</em><span>’s dad: “Sometim I wonr what you boys would do if you weren’t gay. You’d have no inty. It was easy when you uldn’t talk about . Now ’s </span><em>all</em><span> you talk about.”</span></p><p><span>Why, y, fely-not-out actor John Mahoney, sure would be nice not to have to nstantly thk about and make sense of a margalized inty! It mt be a goddman </span><em>treat </em><span>to grow up and not have your entire sense of self fed by your difference and feelgs of alienatn om lerally everyone around you! Sorry that the lifelong project of gay dus tryg to make sense of themselv and advote for their existence the ntext of a homophobic society bums you out so much!</span></p><p><span>Then </span><em>Fasier</em><span>’s dad has to get to drag for his ual Saturday night show, which bums </span><em>Skipper </em><span>out! “This plays to the whole gay stereotype!” And now </span><em>I </em><span>am bummed out bee whenever cis gays talk about “stereotyp” I feel like we’re jt admtg how much we hate ourselv. Also, </span><em>Fasier</em><span>’s dad’s drag </span><em>is</em><span> que bad. Like, dnk cis straight uncle at his buddy’s amatr roast bad. The kd of half-assed, aggrsively nonmtal drag that weirdly actually rerc the performer’s masculy. Like, Madison Cawthorn a bra. *Sigh*</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="663" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><em>Anyway…</em><span> Glass is lurkg outsi Jt Theroux’s hoe where they have a big fight bee Jt Theroux has moved on. He thks Glass is only terted gettg back together now bee the new guy he’s seeg is hot. “If he was ugly, you wouldn’t be here right now,” JT acc. Good god, this movie has such a weird, unsettlg preoccupatn wh attractivens and how supposedly factors to the characters’ self-worth. Maybe Jennifer Coolidge </span><em>isn’t</em><span> the bt therapist… No. That n’t be …</span></p><p><span>But now ’s time for another vobulary word: </span><strong>Gym bunni</strong><span>, “gay men who eat, sleep and breathe the gym.” Huh? Eat the gym? Sleep the gym? That is a really dumb way to put that, but whatever. It’s mcle gays! Gays who go to the gym all the time—which, you may rell, is the gays that are Zack Braff’s favore.</span></p><p><span>At the gym, non-gym bunni Skipper, Timothy Lollypops, and Glass are dog stair master while Glass plas about Jt Theroux’s hot new boyiend. Next, they’re grillg TO about Young Kev, who he sists he don’t want to sleep wh. He jt wants to show him the value of gay iendships: “Don’t you see what happens to ? We e out of the closet, we end up gettg our hearts stepped on like a Twister game and we end up beg more bter than we were </span><em></em><span> the closet. And the only thg that keeps om plete spair is the iendships we velop. I jt want him to see that before he be jad like !”</span></p><p>J this movie is bleak.</p><p><span>So, while all this is happeng, Zackery Braff is flirtg wh a gym bunny. (Why </span><em>bunny?</em><span>) And of urse, Glass is ALARMED! “Gym bunni make a bad name for all of ! Their liv revolve around sex and prote shak! And eatg t tranquilizers!” Hahah! </span><em>Cat </em><span>tranqulizers? What a nerd poor Glass is! But Zack Braff don’t re! He is love and fully tends to let that Gym Bunny hi his cream filled eggs </span><em>wherever he wants!</em><span> (Ew.)</span></p><p>Later, Skipper has agreed to hand over his sperms to his sister and Nia Long for procreatg bee they have nvced him that this will cure his misery about beg so ugly. Which…sure. Here’s the problem though: the sister and Nia Long have chosen a heterosexist sperms donatn center that don’t have any gay porn for Skipper to look at. So, Glass has to show up wh emergency pornos, which is another nice thg for him to be horrible and judgmental about, so he’s havg a nice day.</p><p>Then there’s a montage of everyone dog dat: Kev and TO thrift shoppg; Glass beg horrible; Zack Braff liftg weights wh the Gym Bunny; Dean Ca havg sexual tensn wh the famo “straight” star of the movie he’s ; also Nia Long beg pregnant now.</p><p>Sometime later, everyone is takg Young Kev to his first gay club. Which is where we learn that Zack Braff has fallen wh a bal of party gays and is addicted to ecstasy now. “Blllaaaaarrrgggglleeee,” Zack Braff blargl around the pacifier his mouth, ey rollg, and a Vicks haler stuck up one nostril while dancg sweatily.</p><p>But no one is too worried about that yet, bee the next day ’s the Fourth of July, and Brand New Gay Kev is now fully part of the gay fay: sunbathg and gettg day dnk and discsg havg sex wh Morley Safer and Mike Wallace. What a long way he’s e om eatg ke a stranger’s kchen at night!</p><p>Meanwhile, Phoenix, straight Republin Dean Ca is havg an unhealthy affair wh his hot closeted married famo -star and feelg sad and ed about . Uh-oh! Looks like someone is gettg a taste of his own emotnally unavailable medice. Mostly, though, he’s upset about the hot closeted famo movie star llg him an extra to his face. Awe, Dean Ca! Never stop Dean-Cag!</p><p><span>Back WeHo, ’s still Interpennce Day and Timiphant Chalamet disvers New Kev once aga the kchen. “Do you live this kchen now?” he says, but then notic that New Kev is havg an EMOTIONS. See, he randomly me out to his parents jt now. But, </span><em>surprise!</em><span> They didn’t murr him or anythg! “Why was I so sred to tell them?” New Kev marvels. Umm…bee due to pulsive heterosexualy, your whole life has been assumed that you are straight and you’ve been tght both subtly and also explicly that gayns is wrong and bad and shameful and will rult rejectn by all of your loved on and society? </span><em>You</em><span> weren’t the problem, Kev; </span><em>they </em><span>were! </span><em>Anyway</em><span>, then TO and Kev have gay sex to celebrate.</span></p><p><span>Cut to the next morng when Timopants wak up </span><s>and realiz,</s><span> </span><em><s>Oh fuck me, did I jt fuck a teenager?!?</s></em><span> is actg all distant and weird bee of how he only ever has one-night-stands and is pable of ever valug or rpectg anyone who would do gay sex wh him. Luckily, they have to get to the big soft balls match, where Billy Porter do an improbably triumphant home n! And everyone is happy and celebratg until… </span><em>Frasier</em><span>’s dad abptly di of a heart failure. Probably I would feel a lot sadr about this if </span><em>Frasier</em><span>’s dad hadn’t said all that dumb stuff about life beg easier when gays uldn’t talk about gayns. But </span><em>anyway</em><span>…</span></p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="659" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>At the funeral, Zack Braff shows up lookg all stng out and everyone is mad bee he has dched them all for the Gym Bunny’s fun dgs addicted iends. Then he lls Skipper an ugly fuck! Gaaaah! </span><em>The most hurtful awful unfivable thg you n ll a gay bis “bottom boy”!</em></p><p>“We make each other miserable!” blargl dg addict Zack Braff and then stumbl away to shoot up some ecstasy wh his crack bong.</p><p>Meanwhile, New Kev wants to know why Old Timbo has been avoidg him sce they ma gay love. “I’m mourng, you narcissistic child!” TO says. But we all know that’s not really why.</p><p><span>Now a sad montage: the hot closeted straight married famo movie star stands Dean Ca up drivg him right to the arms of New Kev aga (</span><em>Christ</em><span>, this kid!); at the club, Zachery Braff, dg addict, eats all of the e and also di—</span><em>JUST LIKE EVERYONE SAID HE WOULD!!!</em><span>; his dark room, TO wash his sad photographs and cri bee of how broken his heart is; END OF MONTAGE.</span></p><p><span>That night, everyone sh to the hospal where Zack Braff is ad due to dgs and also ivolo gay behavr. Dean Ca arriv basilly wh New Kev still clgg to his penis. Tomhy Olypots is v. jealo and sad and betrayed now. But then, he realiz that he’s kda been the asshole here for sleepg wh a </span><s>high school senr</s><span> 23-year-old (</span><em>PHEW!</em><span>) who jt me out of the closet and works at Stcture. “I’m 28 years old and all I’m good at is beg </span><em>gay!</em><span>” laments openly heterosexual actor Timothy Olyphant. “I need to make my life to somethg not pletely gay and worthls like chosen fay and the fun parti.” (J fuckg Christ, this movie </span><em>really</em><span> hat gay culture!)</span><em> </em><span>He realiz that he’s too fucked up to have a relatnship and needs to go off on a journey to fd himself.</span></p><p><span>But first: ZACK BRAFF AWAKENS FROM ECSTASY DEATH! He was jt a a all along and now will never smoke dgs aga! Zack Braff is solved! Cut to: all of </span><em>Scbs</em><span> and also </span><em>Garn State</em><span>.</span></p><p>Wh Zack Braff safely back om the ad, Glass cis to…go to Jt Theroux’s hoe aga? And…psychotilly clare his love for him right there ont of Jt Theroux’s hot new boyiend? Jt Theroux should ll the police and get a rtrag orr and never ever see Glass aga bee he is a socpath. But stead he’s jt like, “Huuuuuuuuhhhhh?”</p><p>Next, ’s five months later, and Skipper is fightg wh Nia Long durg her sonogram. But then the doctor shows them their misbegotten spawn and cur their hatred of each other. Lson: babi solve gay misery. The End for them!</p><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="671" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" loadg="lazy" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><span>At the late </span><em>Frasier</em><span>’s dad’s rtrant, ’s Ptolemy Elephant’s gog away party bee he’s movg to Europe to do photojournalism. For some reason everyone is wearg tpe, which who knows what that’s about? Maybe there was a sale at Stcture? But everyone is happy and iends aga. Billy Porter is fally over that guy who left him at the begng of the movie who we never saw. And Jt Theroux is explibly back wh Glass, so good luck to them. New Kev is seeg someone he met at the clurb, but TO is like, “You know I’ll e back om Europe to claim you for myself one day next week.” And New Kev is like, “I’ll be wag, daddy!” So </span><em>their</em><span> awful dynamic is doomed to ntue as well.</span></p><p><span>Then Skipper reveals the night’s big surprise: A whole wall of Timothy Olyphant’s photos that they have assembled. And glorly gay narcissistic fashn, they have all only chosen photos of </span><em>themselv!</em><span> Hahahah! Everyone go off to get dnk and the movie ends wh Kev dog the exact same voiceover that TO did at the begng about how the horrible guys ma him realize is ok to be a gay, and the cycle of gay trma go on. Someone please check on Greg Berlanti. I hope he’s ok.</span></p><p class="button-wrapper" data-attrs="{"url":" Johnny Wr...","actn":null,"class":null}" data-ponent-name="ButtonCreateButton"><a class="button primary" href=" rel="nofollow ugc noopener"><span>Share Johnny Wr...</span></a></p></div></div><div class="visibily-check"></div><div class="post-footer"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flexGrow--mx4xz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-jtify-space-between--NvIcg ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-align-center--rSd6h ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-16--TpblU ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-y-16--ohCEm ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-top-tail-themed--e17yZ ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-bottom-tail-themed--eVwFY post-ufi"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-8--HFpIK"><div class="like-button-ntaer 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