What to Do When Your 11-Year-Old Qutns Her Sexualy? Embrace </tle><meta name="tle" ntent="What to Do When Your 11-Year-Old Qutns Her Sexualy? 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1.875rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0 1.875rem;}}</style><div class="css-mktybr exadjwu4"><style data-emotn="css 6bdp5f">{font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-weight:bold;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-6bdp5f exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>What to Do When Your 11-Year-Old Qutns Her Sexualy? Embrace <span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 1cgvs9y">{font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.5rem;le-height:1.2;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#B20B16;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-1cgvs9y exadjwu8"><p>I had to play "tch up" wh my g out, but my dghter words like “bi,” “pan,” “ace,” and “mi”— and I uldn’t be happier.</p></div><style data-emotn="css 1yvxpqj">{marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;} span{le-height:1.6;}</style><div class="css-1yvxpqj exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css ku2dj9">{font-style:normal;paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><addrs class="css-ku2dj9 ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 6ywij2">{paddg-right:0.3125rem;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-6ywij2 ehvvd9m1">By Elizabeth Wallace</span><style data-emotn="css w0ebia">{display:le-block;text-transform:upperse;marg-left:0.625rem;}</style><time class="css-w0ebia exadjwu6">Published: May 7, 2019</time></addrs></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css k008qs">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;}</style><div class="css-k008qs ewisyje0"><style data-emotn="css 7ce51e">{marg-bottom:0.9375rem;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 64rem){{max-width:lc(100vw - (1rem * 2));marg-left:1rem;marg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(-1 * 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc((100vw - (lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 2 * 1rem)) / -2);}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem) and (max-width: 90rem){{max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / 2);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem) - 1rem - 20.625rem) / -2) - 1rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 2);max-width:lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem);paddg-left:1rem;paddg-right:1rem;} .e152u5os0{width:100vw;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 + 1rem)) / -2) - lc(2 * 1rem));}[data-has-sponsor] {marg-left:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);marg-right:lc((100vw - lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem)) / 4);}}</style><div class="standard-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-7ce51e ewisyje3"><style data-emotn="css trzem2">{jtify-self:center;posn:relative;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-left:-50vw;marg-right:-50vw;width:100vw;left:50%;right:50%;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead css-trzem2 ewisyje6"><style data-emotn="css sm2oir">{height:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw);}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to;}}</style><div class="ntent-lead-image css-sm2oir e5f9kgu2"><style data-emotn="css eag3eq">{posn:relative;height:to;}</style><div class="css-eag3eq e5f9kgu1"><style data-emotn="css 335qep">{posn:relative;width:100%;height:100%;object-f:ver;vertil-align:top;}</style><img fetchPrry="high" alt="Illtratn, Constctn paper, Art, " tle="Illtratn, Constctn paper, Art, " width="2171" height="1200" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-335qep exi4f7p0" /></div><style data-emotn="css 285vyd">{le-height:1;}@media(max-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0.9375rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0;}}</style><figptn class="css-285vyd enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css r1wujd">{paddg-right:0.3125rem;lor:#595959;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;text-transform:upperse;}</style><span class="css-r1wujd e6iqd1">Getty Imag</span></figptn></div></div><style data-emotn="css woto36">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body standard-body-ntent css-woto36 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css aeyldl">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;} em{font-style:alic;font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Earlier this year, my 11-year-old me home om school and told me that one of her sixth gra iends had e out to her. “She don’t know what she is, but she assum she is at least not straight,” my dghter reported. “She has a csh on this kid who was born a girl but who is now a boy, so she assum she is …” she psed, searchg for the right scriptor. “At least bi.” I practiced active listeng. Then I asked, Do you have any csh? “Not really. I don’t thk I’m gay, but I’m not sure if I’m straight. I thk I jt don’t like anyone at my school.”</p><p data-no-id="1" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I lghed. Hashtag middle school, amIre? But I also teared up a ltle. “Wow, mt feel great for your iend to have someone to nfi about this,” I told her. “I might be a totally different person today if I’d had a iend to talk wh openly about my sexualy and sir at your age.” My dghter rolled her ey at that pot, bee A) as an 11-year-old, she’s required to do so, and B) tweens don’t like when you emote or exprs sentiments that might embarrass them — aka, talk.</p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I me out as a lbian my junr year of llege, when I was nearly a olr than my dghter is now. At her age, I didn’t intify as at-least-bi, or maybe-straight. I didn’t “intify” at all, much ls qutn my sexualy or my genr. It never occurred to me. I was by beg a sixth grar wh too-big glass, tryg to avoid beg the least popular kid the room.</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In part, I wasn’t velopmentally there — I didn’t yet harbor any sexual feelgs. I wasn’t one of those kids who knows wh certaty at age four that they’re different. But growg up the mid-’80s suburbs of Dallas, and then San Diego, I also didn’t have a template for such nversatns.</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">We didn’t talk about beg gay my fay, but then, we also didn’t talk about beg straight. My parents divorced when I was a baby. Afterward, my dad remarried and stayed Texas. When I was 11, my mom and I moved to California. Over the next ten years, Mom worked and had a boyiend or two, but we weren’t one of those touchy-feely progrsive-talky hoeholds. This was the Reagan ‘80s: Beg gay wasn’t somethg one felt fortable openly aspirg to, but my hoe at least, wasn’t somethg to be reviled or feared, eher. It was mostly a void. I’d never met a gay person, that I knew of anyway, except my mother’s hairdrser (everyone’s hairdrser the ‘80s was gay, right?) and one of her female boss, which wouldn’t be revealed to me until I was olr. Gay inty for me was a plete unknown, sort of like the ast of Italy, the magic and mystery of which I would not disver until years later when I had a passport.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="5" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1h5xk02">{font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;font-weight:bold;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.875rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><blockquote class="css-1h5xk02 e1pe3zr90">It took years to adm I didn’t want to be a cheerlear, I wanted to be wh a cheerlear.</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="6" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I started to velop feelgs for girls — well to my late teens — I had no language for what I was experiencg. But my dghter, jt her first this world, has acquired a lany of termology. She returned om sleepaway mp last summer and announced, “Everyone my bunk is bi, pan, ace, or mi.” I had to google some of this verbiage. (“Demisexuals,” for the rerd, do not experience sexual attractn unls they form an emotnal nnectn.) “You’re fifth gra,” I sputtered. “How n there be so many signatns?!”</p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In high school, outsi of my regular crew of iends, I was drawn to ol, nfint girls. Lears. I thought of myself as their oppose, but I wanted their approval. I wanted them to notice me, to be terted what I had to say. (Also, a way I uldn’t que put my fger on, I wanted them to not want boyiends.) Frhman year, I had a csh on a sophomore cheerlear, and tried out for the squad to be closer to her. This was one of my sillier cisns: Seeg as I uld barely do a rtwheel, I didn’t even make past the first round of cuts. It took years to adm I didn’t want to be a cheerlear — I wanted to be wh a cheerlear.</p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">I uldn’t expla the girl csh to my iends. Why did I get exced when I saw the edor of the school newspaper walk by? Why did I want to s by that girl chemistry that I wasn’t even iends wh? They wonred, and I wonred too — but not too much. Those feelgs lived a latent place, eply buried. I was lucky: My iends were able to accept me whout labelg me, an era which that was not the norm.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">When I got to llege at Northwtern 1989, the love that dare not speak s name wasn’t even whisperg to me yet. I didn’t learn the term “pulsory heterosexualy” until I took a women’s studi class junr year, and realized that that was exactly the mo I’d been operatg unr: The assumptn of heterosexualy as one’s natural state — and that anythg else is unfavorable. When my lightbulb moment arrived a few months later, was embarrassg s naiveté. At the Women’s Center, I’d met an olr stunt: An outspoken, radilly queer punk, who wore John Lennon glass, a sendhand leopard-prt at, and bat boots. One day while volunteerg at the center, I looked up om my dog-eared py of Adrienne Rich says — heapg cliché upon cliché, I know —and said somethg ludicro to her, which I roughly remember as: “I would totally be a lbian if I uld have sex wh women.” She sffed, no doubt thkg, Get a life, you sorory dumb fuck. But what she actually said was, “You CAN have sex wh women! I do all the time.”</p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">That acquatance — who would go on to bee one of my (non-mi) lovers and close iends — gave me the permissn to fally see my sire. To give a name, to utter aloud, and then to shout , lerally, the streets (for me, g out was synonymo wh queer activism — marchg, prottg, chantg, kissg public). Lettg that sire out to the world, givg air and nourishment, validated . It showed me, for the first time, that who I was and what I wanted were not only OK, they were posive and healthy. That’s what g out is: A claratn that livg your life as thentilly as possible is a worthwhile goal, one that everyone serv to pursue. </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="11" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-1h5xk02 e1pe3zr90">Comg out is a claratn that livg your life as thentilly as possible is a worthwhile goal</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="12" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">It’s difficult to expla what g out feels like to someone who hasn’t experienced , but an apt metaphor for me is that I had been livg darkns, sometim fear and secrecy — until a magnificent sun emerged and illumated my realy. It’s not that my life before g out, adolcence and llege, were opprsive or torturo. But after g to terms wh my inty, I lived my days — my relatnships, my work, my leisure, all of — much more fully and tthfully. I’d spent the first two years of llege blowg off amics, tryg to nnect wh other people while navigatg an uncerta inty, and my gras and acplishments reflected that. After g out, I appreciated all of my opportuni that much more, and by parison, thrived amilly and socially. </p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">In the two s sce that iend showed me, by example, what was possible as a lbian, our untry has wnsed lifetim’ worth of possibily and progrs. And so has my dghter. Progrsive brownstone Brooklyn is her basele. She’s grown up wh two moms, among iends who have both queer and non-queer parents, and her short lifetime has already observed the quickly-evolvg trans movement. Y, her iends intify as bi or pan or mi, some more tradnally gay — some even straight! Some transned to a different genr inty even before enterg sixth gra. In the same way that seeg a woman n for Print allows girls to visualize the route to the Whe Hoe as a potential life trajectory, my dghter’s ia of what is possible, what is “normal,” is based on experienc and nversatns that have permeated her upbrgg. And by what she se moled by olr children our muny.</p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">Our next-door-neighbor’s dghter, now at llege, ed to babys our dghter and our son, who is now 9. When the babyster was about 15, she mentned to our children that she was seeg a girl at school. The next year, she may have been datg a boy. Or not. She uld have been a lbian, or not — didn’t really matter eher way to our children. Their takeaway was that a teenage girl’s inty uld exist on a spectm. Our kids’ current babyster, another dghter of another neighbor, is a high school junr who wears a rabow button on her khaki ary-style jacket. I haven’t asked if she intifi as LGBTQ. I’m not sure how my iend’s son intifi eher. But he wears a T-shirt wh a trendy LGBTQ-rights slogan on , bee his eighth gra world ’s ol to enurage people to live their liv openly and wh pri. Our children posss the tools to engage more sophistited nversatns about inty than I did until well to my 20s. </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">My life has turned out jt fe — better than fe, most days. But I sometim wonr if might’ve been different had I e to terms wh my inty earlier life. Maybe I’d have been more experimental high school. Maybe I’d have applied to smaller, more progrsive universi, or women’s lleg. Maybe I wouldn’t have pledged a sorory; maybe I’d have jump-started my New York Cy life earlier. Or maybe nothg at all would be different. It’s impossible to know. But I do know that growg up an environment which I believed that whomever I experimented wh or loved or partnered wh was a normal and natural part of my journey, would have been fortg to me as a tween, or a teen, and even as woman my 20s, playg tch-up to figure all out. </p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0">My dghter don’t intify as anythg yet, except maybe mil-theater-nerd and Kelly Clarkson superfan — also important blocks inty buildg. But a place of fort is one I am proud my children are growg up , even when leads to nversatns that are velopmentally premature, or mak me a ltle uneasy.</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"></p><p data-no-id="20" class="css-aeyldl et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Get Shondaland directly your box</em>: <style data-emotn="css 18o6lw4">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#fff;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;display:le-block;font-fay:GTWalsheim,Helveti,sans-serif;text-transform:upperse;width:to;paddg:0.6rem 0.7rem;background-lor:#B20B16;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1;letter-spacg:0.05em;font-weight:bold;marg:0rem;}{lor:#fff;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;background-lor:#000000;}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="SUBSCRIBE TODAY" rel="nofollow" data-href=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" class="body-btn-lk css-18o6lw4 et3p2gv0">SUBSCRIBE TODAY</a></strong></p></div></div><style data-emotn="css 6b9rfj">{display:block;-webk-flex-basis:lc((100vw - 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