Ellt Page on His Transn, 'The Umbrella Amy,' and Fdg Euphoria</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Ellt Page on His Transn, 'The Umbrella Amy,' and Fdg Euphoria" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Ahead of 'The Umbrella Amy' premiere, Ellt Page reflects on his childhood, his reer, his transn, his life, and fdg joy feelg prent." /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="The Euphoria of Ellt Page" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="In his own words, the actor and advote talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr." /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="TV" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2022-06-01T20:47:09Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2022-06-01T10:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="In December 2020, after disclosg that he is transgenr, the Osr-nomated actor and star of Netflix’s The Umbrella Amy (Season Three out June 22) beme the most famo trans man on the pla. That’s ma him the target of scribable hate but has also brought him unimagable joy. 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data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Entertament" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Entertament</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/tv/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="TV" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">TV</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="/entertament/tv/a40011366/ellt-page-umbrella-amy-phoria/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Euphoria of Ellt Page" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">The Euphoria of Ellt Page</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>The Euphoria of Ellt Page<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>In his own words, the actor and advote talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr.</p></div><style data-emotn="css d04ng2">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}</style><div class="css-d04ng2 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1">Photographs by Ruven Afanador | Stylg by Bill Mullen</span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Jun 1, 2022</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 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m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2) - 3.5rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){ .e152u5os0{paddg-left:0.1rem;paddg-right:0.1rem;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2));}}</style><div class="longform-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-149neno ewisyje2"><style data-emotn="css z6i669">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" 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a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="0" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img fetchPrry="high" alt="d" tle="d" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css swqnqv">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 8h7i7x">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;letter-spacg:0.02rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt, Cele by Hedi Slimane; rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><style data-emotn="css 1am3yn9">{paddg-left:0rem;le-height:1;}</style><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ruven Afanador</span></figptn></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>In December 2020, after disclosg that he is transgenr, the Osr-nomated actor and star of Netflix’s </em><style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Umbrella Amy" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">The Umbrella Amy</a><em><em> </em></em><em>(Season Three out June 22) beme the most famo trans man on the pla. That’s ma him the target of scribable hate but has also brought him unimagable joy. Here, his own words, he talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr. </em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="2" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><style data-emotn="css 1nhwtgm">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="3" class="body-dropp css-1nhwtgm et3p2gv0"><strong>What have I learned om transng?</strong> I n’t overstate the biggt joy, which is really seeg yourself. I know I look different to others, but to me I’m jt startg to look like myself. It’s scribable, bee I’m jt like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am. So the greatt joy is jt beg able to feel prent, lerally, jt to be prent. To go out a group of new people and be able to engage a way where I didn’t feel this nstant sensatn to flee om my body, this never-endg sensatn of anxiety and nervons and wantg out. </p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When I say I uldn’t have ever imaged feelg that way, I mean that wh every sense of me.</p><style data-emotn="css d9wkvk">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="5" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css 1gccgwy">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}</style><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Shirt and troers by Grg Armani; stud set by Ldsay & Co, available at Bergdorf Goodman, NYC.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="6" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My dad had a b </strong>on the south shore of Nova Stia wh no nng water or electricy. I was obssed wh tree ogs. I would watch them hop along for hours, probably bee of how ty they were. I’ve noticed as an adult how nourishg and ccial is for me to feel nnected to nature. I <em>need</em> . When I’m those spac, my whole body will relax. My strs dissipat. I n get quiet.</p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I spent a lot </strong>of my childhood the woods. </p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>When I was a ltle kid,</strong> all I wanted my parents to play was the <em>Bodyguard </em>soundtrack. Loved. And Annie Lennox, <em>Msa.</em>I thk that had a lot to do wh the ver. I’d jt stare at Annie Lennox. My mum’s mic was a lot of Cat Stevens and Stg. The Tragilly Hip—they’re fantastic. My dad was more jazz—Shirley Horn, Ruth Brown.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I don’t thk I ever actually saw <em>The Bodyguard.</em> I should watch . Now I’m feelg embarrassed. </p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I went to a different school </strong>every year durg high school, so I never really had that sgle teacher mentor. When I left Halifax to go to Toronto gra eleven, I thought the bullyg would lsen, regard to what people were clearly bullyg me about. And that wasn’t the se at all. Bullyg puts you a place where, later, you have so much <em>un</em>learng to do. If you’re gettg teased and ma fun of and lled nam on a daily basis, there’s no way that’s not gog to get si of you—particularly when you’re already feelg so much shame. Nobody even needs to open their mouth and you’re already feelg . </p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Those kids left a whole bunch of sh that I had to dig through and unlearn. I’m sure I uld brg up a moment and one of them wouldn’t remember , bee didn’t mean anythg to them. I’d like to thk they regret now.</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I always wanted my mum</strong> to take me to the school plays, even if I didn’t know what they were about. There was some kd of urge to be plac like that. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="13" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt and troers, Cele by Hedi Slimane; rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I so rarely read novels,</strong> but I did jt—not jt, but a few books ago—I read <em>Real Life,</em> by Brandon Taylor. It’s fantastic. He’s such a phenomenal wrer, jt floors you. That I really, really loved. And ’s que rare. I read novels more when I was younger, high school. I didn’t go to llege, or universy, so I’m adamant and discipled to read a lot. Nonfictn, pretty much. </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My childhood bt iend</strong> and I are still very, very close. His name is Mark, and what I’ve learned om him—and what’s so astoundg about him—is his strength and sensivy. Not beg aaid to share your emotns, your pa, to not promise who you are. Mark quaranted and me to Toronto to take re of me after my top surgery, and we rerd an EP on his four-track while I revered. That’s what we were dog—wrg the ltle songs. That sound was jt havg fun. There’s nothg better than creatg thgs wh iends.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Mark’s ials are tattooed unr my right llarbone.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I was a pretty ser soccer player</strong> as a kid. I loved the disciple. I loved learng about teamwork. I loved even the more spirual elements of —what means to fd and create empty space. </p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">As a kid, was plited relatn to my genr. I remember the year the genrs were separated. I was so distrght, so ordately distrght. I was cryg to my mum, “Please, one more year, one more year!” When I was playg wh the boys—soccer, touch football, out back durg recs and lunch—I was havg a blast. They did let me play one more year, then I had to go to the girls’ team. I looked like the other boys, which I was. I’d be on the field about to kick the ball when a ref would say, “I don’t thk boys are allowed to play on this team.” I still played soccer for years, but a lot of love for was not there. </p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>What else have I jt read</strong> that’s so good . . . oh: <em>Somebody’s Dghter,</em> by Ashley C. Ford. Fantastic. </p><p data-no-id="20" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>The reactn to my transn?</strong> I didn’t expect to be so big. In terms of the actual qualy of the rponse, was what I expected: love and support om many people and hatred and celty and vrl om so many others. I me out as gay 2014, and ’s different. Transphobia is jt so, so, so extreme. The hatred and the celty is so much more csant. </p><p data-no-id="21" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thk when people say,</strong> “Oh, he’ll want to play cis male characters now,” the sensatn I get is that the subtext is: They thk that would be an acplishment for me. Vers: I’m trans, I’m queer, and I <em>want </em>to play <em>those</em> rol. When I get asked, “Are you worried about gettg typest?” You wouldn’t say to J-Law or Rooney Mara or someone, are they worried about gettg typest as cis straight women? But at the same time, of urse I want a space where trans people are gettg st as cis characters. Of <em>urse.</em></p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Ace Ventura</em> was like my favore movie</strong> when I was a kid. I was dog imprsns. And I’ve been films wh super-problematic thgs. But ’s funny now when people are like, “You’re too sensive about jok.” If you look back, all the stuff that’s so horrible, I mean the endg of <em>Ace Ventura</em> is eply transphobic. I was gog home and watchg some s wh nstant gay jok after school every day. As were the kids who end up beg bulli.</p><p data-no-id="23" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>“You’re too sensive.” </strong>Exce me? The stuff trans people al wh on a day-to-day basis? <em>Exce me?</em></p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="24" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2475" height="3263" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Tank by Polo Ralph Lren; jeans by Ralph Lren Purple Label; rg by the Great Frog; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css 6s2y3d">{background-lor:#F5F6F8;borr:none;borr-radi:0.625rem;box-shadow:0.4rem 0.4rem 0 #15263D;clear:both;lor:#000;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:1.875rem 1.25rem;text-align:center;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.4;paddg:1.25rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.4;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><p data-no-id="25" class="body-tip css-6s2y3d et3p2gv0">This article appeared the SUMMER 2022 issue of Esquire<br /><style data-emotn="css 15g0gpe">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{lor:#000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;background-lor:#ffffff;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="subscribe" rel="nofollow" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" class="body-btn-lk css-15g0gpe et3p2gv0">subscribe</a></p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>This really big du, </strong>ls than an arm’s length away, was jt screamg at me, “You faggot! Don’t look at me! You faggot, faggot!” I uldn’t even jt go, like, <em>I’m not lookg at you.</em> It was the one time I’d left the hotel that whole day. I was jt tryg to cross the street, and I uldn’t bee was Sunset Boulevard and there’s traffic, so I cid my bra—bee he was <em>so</em> <em>tall</em>—that I uldn’t do anythg physilly. If I said somethg, he uld retaliate. If I turned around, that uld trigger somethg else. So I thought, <em>I’m jt gog to have to bet on standg pletely still and starg straight ahead.</em></p><p data-no-id="27" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And then eventually, after him yellg, “Faggot! Faggot! Faggot!” some more, he started to walk off and I started to cross the street. And then he jt started screamg, behd me, “I’m gonna kill you, you fuckg faggot! I’m gonna kill you, you fuckg faggot! I’m gonna gay-bash you!” So I ran—I was alone—I ran to a nvenience store, and as I was openg the door he yelled, “This is why I need a gun!”</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Yeah, I don’t thk people really get .<strong><br /></strong></p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Why is sensivy weaponized? </strong>I really feel for cis men regard to the rtrats and reprsn and supprsn that stem om the expectatns of your genr. When I me out, I posted a selfie wh a thank-you note, jt to show how much all the love and support meant. And I saw this ment—I should very much not be lookg at the ments, but this guy said, “Oh, yeah, as if a <em>guy</em> would ever wre somethg sensive like that.” I feel bad for that guy. I feel bad that he’s been brought up a society that equat masculy wh emotnlsns. That’s a really shty way to live, bee ’s gog to e out another directn, and another.</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I’ve never worked out more my life.</strong> Workg out always felt like such a nundm, bee didn’t feel good. I walked and I hiked, but that was . The experience of beg my body now is so different. I’m absolutely hooked. The feelg of beg really engaged wh , prent, phg and gettg stronger and gag weight. It’s thrillg. I feel like a kid dog .</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="31" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Shirt, troers, and tie by Gucci; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt; rg by the Great Frog; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC; socks by Falke.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="32" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I have one, two, three, </strong>four, five, six, seven . . . ne. Ne tattoos. They’re mostly referenc to people my life. One is one of my bt iends’ nicknam. One is one of my bt iends’ middle nam. I have a ltle ffee cup, which I share wh a ar iend. I have iends’ ials, typilly om perds of my life when I don’t know if I would have necsarily gotten through them whout certa dividuals. </p><p data-no-id="33" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>spike</em>. Spike Jonze. </p><p data-no-id="34" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>wiig</em>.</p><p data-no-id="35" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>ep phone home</em> is jt a sweet thg.</p><p data-no-id="36" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">The word <em>turtl</em> is pretty much a random tattoo. I do love turtl. </p><p data-no-id="37" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">The first tattoo I ever got was for Cathere Keener. It’s my nickname for her, which is c keens. That’s jt unr my top right shoulr. I’ve known Keener sce I was neteen—she’s my olst iend L. A., that whole world. Keener tght me not to take bullsh, to keep my feet on the ground, to live my tth, and to take re of my heart. </p><p data-no-id="38" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When <em>Juno</em> was at the height of s populary, durg awards-season time, I was closeted, drsed heels and the whole look—I wasn’t okay, and I didn’t know how to talk about that wh anyone. But I uld wh Keener. I was livg a hotel by myself, and she me and got me. I lived wh her. For my twenty-first birthday, she had a surprise party for me. I didn’t really know anybody, so everyone wore name tags. I wore one, too. Nobody knew me, and they brought the funny ltle gifts. It was really sweet. There are people I met that night who are tattooed on my body. </p><p data-no-id="39" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>And then also a memoir </strong>I jt read that is absolutely one of the bt thgs I’ve ever read is lled <em>Punch Me Up to the Gods,</em> by Brian Broome. Amazg. <em>A. Mazg.</em> <em>Astoundg. </em></p><p data-no-id="40" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>How do money change a person? </strong>That’s a dissertatn. I’m still tryg to wrap my md around bee jt shocks me sometim.</p><p data-no-id="41" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>There are many different typ</strong> of both sex and love. And that’s what n make nfg—hence how paful all of n be. Love is navigatg the possibily of: Am I gog to be able to love someone who isn’t perfect, and are <em>they</em> gog to be able to love someone who isn’t perfect? That nonperfect person beg me. And if that love and bety exists that space, that feels a lot different om havg sex and ignorg the unrneath of all, and not beg te and hont, and beg aaid to share your real self. I don’t thk that uld be nsired love—or <em>te</em> love, if that exists. </p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Sex n also jt be s own separate, </strong>ee, fun, healg, cur, hot, phoric activy that has no attachment. Sex is great is all I’m tryg to say.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="43" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2500" height="1211" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"></div></div></div><p data-no-id="44" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Euphoria:</strong> Summer, ’s hot out, and I’m jt a whe T-shirt that fs me, walkg down the street, shoulrs back, enjoyg the sun and the day. In the past, that would’ve been a very different walk. Instead, you have ias blossomg your md, not nstant feelgs of shame and self-hatred.</p><p data-no-id="45" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>One of my favore books</strong> ever is <em>In the Dream Hoe,</em> by Carmen Maria Machado.</p><p data-no-id="46" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love beg a dog dad. </strong>I need that my life. I don’t even know where to beg wh Mo; I’m so obssed wh him. My heart breaks at the thought of mortaly whenever I thk of him. </p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Everythg that’s beg said </strong>about is all the same sh that was said about LGB people: pedophil, mentally ill, should they be allowed the changg rooms. It’s the same. It’s the same. But the policians are sayg, <em>Oh, sh! This is workg!</em> And that’s what’s sry.</p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>There are people elected office sayg</strong> that, sentially, transgenr people are gog to be rponsible for the end of existence. That gree of rhetoric is really alarmg and horrible. It’s also endls misrmatn—and people buy . The ia of genr beg a bary ncept specifilly based on genalia is a very new ia relatn to human history. We existed every culture throughout history! People don’t learn about that realy. They’re <em>banng</em> kids om learng . It’s all tactil. </p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thought was impossible</strong> how I’m able to feel now. The gree of creativy that’s e out—jt a surge of creativy. Mark and I were makg those songs; I have jt about pleted the first draft of a book; I wrote a screenplay wh my iend B, Beatrice Brown, who did a lot of my tattoos.</p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I get up at six. </strong>I have ffee and I ually try to wre for two hours. I jt go to a portal. I s down, and I am procsg, and I’m tellg a story—vers when I would hardly allow myself to be aware of . Then I take my dog for a really nice walk, and then I try to wre for another uple hours. In the afternoon, I feel out. Bee you’re wrg about tense thgs—not only full of feelgs and trma and difficulti, but also, this is the longt I’ve ever even sat wh so much of that. Wh the thgs that have happened. It’s an tertg experience, the fact that wrg certa thgs n trigger a physlogil rponse. It’s so fascatg, the body.</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I ed to wonr how</strong> humans were gog about their liv. I’d jt look at people. How do you<em> do ?</em><em><br /></em></p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="52" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="3600" height="2400" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Jacket and troers, Sat Lrent by Anthony Vacrello; T-shirt, stylist’s own; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt; rg by the Great Frog; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC; socks by Falke.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="53" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Probably my favore thg</strong> to ok is a big spread of roasted vegetabl of all kds. Fennel, brocli, uliflower. <em>Ummm. </em>Japane sweet potato, I love. And then brown rice, I love. And then I jt kda make some tofu the pan, then steam or boil —do you know kombu? Seaweed? You boil , and then—this is funny—and then you mix all wh some tahi or somethg, and then you roll the kombu. I’m tellg you, ’s <em>good.</em></p><p data-no-id="54" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Then other tim I eat</strong> like a teenage boy. I’m like, cereal: Good to go. Or I get fancy and make a ozen burro.</p><p data-no-id="55" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love makg</strong> <em>The Umbrella Amy.</em> I’ve learned how special is to play one character for so long, to evolve wh a fay of characters. All of have gone through a lot. Years have gone by, and we’ve changed and grown our own ways. I love watchg the growth happen alongsi the show, our personali terweavg and all of havg our own moments. I’m jt learng to love the whole journey of . </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="56" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Story</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/entertament/tv/a40116951/ellt-page-umbrella-amy-transgenr-viktor-hargreev/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Reimagg Viktor Hargreev" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="d" tle="Reimagg Viktor Hargreev" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Reimagg Viktor Hargreev</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="57" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Activism, for me, </strong>feels natural and anic. It feels worse when I’m <em>not </em>actively engaged. And I don’t thk stems om feelg some sort of prsure or obligatn. I hope om a place of, herently, empathy. I like to thk I’m an empathetic person. </p><p data-no-id="58" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But then on some level, <em>yeah, </em>activism is somethg I mt do. I thk we need to utilize all of our privilege our own ways. We all have some versn of , you know?</p><p data-no-id="59" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I n’t ppot a “worst” day.</strong> But when <em>Juno </em>was blowg up—this sounds strange to people, and I get that people don’t unrstand. <em>Oh, fuck you, you’re famo, and you have money, and you had to wear a drs, boo-hoo. </em>I don’t <em>not</em> unrstand that reactn. But that’s mixed wh: I wish people would unrstand that that sh lerally did almost kill me.</p><p data-no-id="60" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I’ve had to have plenty of vil’s-advote nversatns wh cis people who were like, “Well, I’m not trans and I uld wear a skirt!” And ’s like, ol. Okay. Great. So yeah, my early to mid-twenti, I didn’t know how to tell people how unwell I was. I would berate myself for . I was livg the life and my dreams were g te, and all that was happeng. And yet, for example, when I was shootg <em>Inceptn, </em>I uld pretty much not leave whatever hotel I’d be stayg .</p><p data-no-id="61" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I stggled wh food. Intense prsn, anxiety, severe panic attacks. I uldn’t functn. There were days when I’d only have one meetg, and I’d leave my hoe to go to the meetg and have to turn around. Not beg able to get through a script—uld not. Readg is one of my favore thgs to do—I uldn’t read, uldn’t get through a paragraph. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="62" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Tank by Polo Ralph Lren; jeans by Ralph Lren Purple Label; rg by the Great Frog.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="63" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I uld not picture myself </strong>as a woman agg. Obvly. It was jt like, what is my future? There’s not a future. That’s kd of what felt like. I would say, verbatim: <em>I’ve never been a girl. I’ll never be a woman.</em> </p><p data-no-id="64" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Can I relate to the suici problem</strong> among trans people? Yeah, I n relate eply. And not only to the very nsc, direct act of dog but also certa tim when I lost so much weight or when I was havg such severe panic attacks and llapsed multiple tim—all the thgs that very easily uld, and statistilly do, lead to ath. And that’s all a maniftatn of that trma and disfort that’s a disproportnate issue for transgenr people. </p><p data-no-id="65" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">There were moments of wantg to not be here, but that was jt the sensatn that I was left wh. It wasn’t a movement for actn—other than the ways which I was abg my body, clearly. I would look out the wdow of my apartment and thk, <em>Wh everythg gog on right now and how credible all is, </em>this<em> is how I feel? And I’m twenty-two?</em> It was like, <em>I don’t know if I uld do .</em></p><p data-no-id="66" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thk of tim when people actively were like,</strong> “No, you need to wear a drs” very, very, very pivotal moments. I remember the premiere of <em>Juno</em> at the Toronto Internatnal Film Ftival. Prevly, dog prs for <em>Hard Candy,</em> or when I went to Sundance for a film, I didn’t know the ncept of, like, a <em>stylist.</em> I grew up workg Canada! It’s different. I drsed how I wanted to drs—not dissiar to now. And I remember gog and havg the thg I wanted to wear, and then unrstandg the gree of expectatn of how fancy someone is supposed to look. So I said I wanted to wear a su, and Fox Searchlight was basilly like, “No, you need to wear a drs.” And they took me a big sh to one of those fancy stor on Bloor Street. They had me wear a drs, and . . . <em>that was that.</em> And then all the <em>Juno</em> prs, all the photo shoots—Michael Cera was slacks and sneakers. I look back at the photos, and I’m like . . .? </p><p data-no-id="67" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And ’s easy for people to roll their ey, but you know what? No. That was really extremely, extremely fucked up. I shouldn’t have to treat like jt this thg that happened—this somewhat normal thg. It’s like: <em>No. </em>Regardls of me beg trans! I’ve had people who’ve apologized about thgs: “Sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t know at the time.” <em>It don’t matter! </em>It don’t matter if I’m trans or cis. Lots of cis women drs how I drs. That has nothg to fuckg do wh . </p><p data-no-id="68" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>It’s really funny, </strong>sce the book announcement, I’ve had three random, spicly timed apologi pop up. Intertg timg.</p><p data-no-id="69" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>People, pecially teenage girls, </strong><em>really </em>rpond to that character, Juno. The clothg—which was jt me takg a producer to ed-clothg stor Vanuver. The vibe—somethg that was, if not <em>non</em>existent . . .  was <em>new</em> for a film that reached the dience reached, and wh her as the tle character. It related to my queerns and my transns. And then you have that film have the succs had, and the major, major prof, between the film and the soundtrack—and then you fuckg squash that all away. You squash . So you’re benefg greatly om this character that nnected wh people, and then you do that. It’s gross. </p><p data-no-id="70" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I wish I uld go back and experience now. As me.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="71" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Jacket and jeans, Sat Lrent by Anthony Vacrello.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="72" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Why are people makg more difficult? </strong>It really breaks my heart. It <em>really</em> breaks my <em>heart.</em> That’s lerally all we’re tryg to munite. That’s what’s so funny to me. When people say, <em>Cancel this. Cancel that.</em> No, they get four more edy specials and have a jilln followers! The people gettg nceled are the trans people who are sufferg, or killg themselv, or murred. </p><p data-no-id="73" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I often fd that ’s the media that do .</strong> People n actually be munitg a way that isn’t aggrsive, but then sudnly ’s all about creatg this <em>tensn, </em>and then <em>this</em> person doubl down on <em>that!</em> And, like: No. It’s a nversatn—which, by the way, is what you’re sayg you’re askg for.</p><p data-no-id="74" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Jok have an impact that hurts people. </strong>I unrstand that people might thk don’t. I unrstand that they’re not meang to. But: It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. You believe what you’re sayg. You believe . It’s not a joke. They believe . It’s clearly not a joke. And all we’re sayg is: Can you jt please listen and unrstand the harm that ? That’s all we’re tryg to say. That is<em> lerally</em> all we are tryg to say. And then we get <em>undated</em> wh hatred for sayg . But I’m sorry: <em>You</em> are the on who don’t want to have the nversatn. <em>You</em>are the on who are so sensive, who n’t handle people sayg, Hey, n you not do that? </p><p data-no-id="75" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love hockey. </strong>I don’t really have a team, I jt love watchg . When I lived L. A., I’d go to Kgs gam and cheer for the Kgs. But if Toronto me, I’d cheer for both. I was at a sports bar last night watchg the NBA playoffs, Memphis vers Mnota. I’m not someone who is a die-hard fan of a team. Is that strange? I keep meang to bee one. Every year I say this is the year I’m pickg a team and I’m stayg wh that team. And I never do . </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="76" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2730" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt and troers, Cele by Hedi Slimane; ; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="77" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I uld still skate.</strong> It’s been ag, but I’d be fe. I was probably on skat at three. On a pond. Back when thgs oze. </p><p data-no-id="78" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Liverpool is my mum’s team.</strong> She knows all the players, the ach, the drama, everythg. Her number-one bucket-list thg was to go to a Liverpool game. I was dog prs for Season One of <em>Umbrella Amy </em> London. There was a Liverpool game. I reached out to the team and said I wanted to brg my mum to a game. They were so credibly welg and kd. I brought my mum over and surprised her. Gettg to watch her be at that game was tly one of the most absolute special moments my life. In the begng, when everyone is sgg, she’s jt swayg and sgg. I have on vio. When the game was over, they took her down to see the field and the seats where the players s. She got to meet the ach. Seeg my mum happy mak me so happy.</p><p data-no-id="79" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Alexanr Chee’s—</strong>maybe you’ve read —<em>How to Wre an Autobgraphil Novel</em>? <em>Ohhhhhh.</em> It’s so good. </p><p data-no-id="80" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My mother </strong>was born the fifti. She was a mister’s dghter. You know? She fely didn’t want me to be queer. That’s where there was a lot of challenge, for years. Until I was my twenti. But I love her so much, and I totally unrstand, and five. I have a mother who lov me, and not everybody has that.</p><p data-no-id="81" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Fivens?</strong> Depends on the suatn. There are a uple people I don’t five. I don’t know what this thg is about always havg to five. I don’t wish them harm, but I shouldn’t feel obligated or forced to five them. Maybe at some pot, but there are a uple people I don’t, and I don’t feel bad about . And there are other people who, absolutely. Of urse. </p><p data-no-id="82" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Do you know the book</strong> <em>Spl Tooth,</em> by Tanya Tagaq? It’s one of the bt thgs I’ve ever read. Amazg. Amazg. Amazg. Amazg. The last two pag of her book are jt this whole betiful piece about: I don’t want to five. But I five myself. I’ll pick up every once a while jt to read that. </p><p data-no-id="83" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Kids?</strong> No. I feel like I’ve also had to take re of myself so much. I’m obssed wh my dog. That’s my kid. I’m good wh that. I mean, if I met someone who had a kid, I’m not pletely closed off to the ia that maybe when I’m olr, I uld adopt a kid who’s olr, you know. But no. </p><p data-no-id="84" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>For me, phoria </strong>is simply the act of wakg up, makg my ffee, and stg down wh a book and beg able to read. I know that may sound strange, but I n’t strs enough the gree of disfort and stggle that I was experiencg that got the way of everythg. How uld not?</p><p data-no-id="85" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">There is a universaly to that. We’ve all experienced siar versns. It would be so nice, the more and more we n realize how much we’re all this together. The same kd of stuff that at me is not <em>not</em> affectg cis people and makg cis people be nfed spac that are expected of them. This affects all.</p><p data-no-id="86" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Dner tonight?</strong> Good qutn. I do have some veggi and stuff. I have fennel, brocli. . . . </p><hr data-no-id="87" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="88" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Productn by Roger Inniss at Boom Productns Inc</em></p><p data-no-id="89" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Set sign by Charlotte Malmlöf</em></p><p data-no-id="90" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Hair by Thom Priano</em></p><p data-no-id="91" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Groomg by Frankie Boyd for Tom Ford</em></p><p data-no-id="92" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Tailorg by Joseph Tg</em></p><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css 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Ellt Page on His Transn, 'The Umbrella Amy,' and Fdg Euphoria</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Ellt Page on His Transn, 'The Umbrella Amy,' and Fdg Euphoria" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Ahead of 'The Umbrella Amy' premiere, Ellt Page reflects on his childhood, his reer, his transn, his life, and fdg joy feelg prent." /><meta name="keywords" ntent /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="171874009543995" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="fb:pag" ntent="84169421673" property="fb:pag" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@Esquire" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="The Euphoria of Ellt Page" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="In his own words, the actor and advote talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr." /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="timely" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="TV" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2022-06-01T20:47:09Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2022-06-01T10:00:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="In December 2020, after disclosg that he is transgenr, the Osr-nomated actor and star of Netflix’s The Umbrella Amy (Season Three out June 22) beme the most famo trans man on the pla. 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data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>The Euphoria of Ellt Page<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>In his own words, the actor and advote talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr.</p></div><style data-emotn="css d04ng2">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}</style><div class="css-d04ng2 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1">Photographs by Ruven Afanador | Stylg by Bill Mullen</span><style data-emotn="css 1bcsdhu">{display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-left:0.625rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><time class="css-1bcsdhu exadjwu6">Published: Jun 1, 2022</time></addrs></div><style data-emotn="css wkpw2c">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><div class="no-prt css-wkpw2c exadjwu15"><style data-emotn="css 1hpjtwr">{display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;posn:relative;marg-top:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="ntent-hear-actns css-1hpjtwr exadjwu14"><style data-emotn="css 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a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="0" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><style data-emotn="css uwraif">{width:100%;display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;}</style><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img fetchPrry="high" alt="d" tle="d" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css swqnqv">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;}}</style><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><style data-emotn="css 8h7i7x">{width:0;m-width:100%;paddg-top:0.625rem;letter-spacg:0.02rem;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt, Cele by Hedi Slimane; rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><style data-emotn="css 1am3yn9">{paddg-left:0rem;le-height:1;}</style><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><style data-emotn="css 1mcfn5x">{lor:#595959;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;paddg-right:0.3125rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:0.75rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">Ruven Afanador</span></figptn></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>In December 2020, after disclosg that he is transgenr, the Osr-nomated actor and star of Netflix’s </em><style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="The Umbrella Amy" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">The Umbrella Amy</a><em><em> </em></em><em>(Season Three out June 22) beme the most famo trans man on the pla. That’s ma him the target of scribable hate but has also brought him unimagable joy. Here, his own words, he talks about his childhood, his reer, his transn, and his life, though not necsarily that orr. </em></p><style data-emotn="css 18pb4rg">{borr:0;borr-bottom:th solid black;marg:1.875rem 0;clear:both;}</style><hr data-no-id="2" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><style data-emotn="css 1nhwtgm">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="3" class="body-dropp css-1nhwtgm et3p2gv0"><strong>What have I learned om transng?</strong> I n’t overstate the biggt joy, which is really seeg yourself. I know I look different to others, but to me I’m jt startg to look like myself. It’s scribable, bee I’m jt like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am. So the greatt joy is jt beg able to feel prent, lerally, jt to be prent. To go out a group of new people and be able to engage a way where I didn’t feel this nstant sensatn to flee om my body, this never-endg sensatn of anxiety and nervons and wantg out. </p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When I say I uldn’t have ever imaged feelg that way, I mean that wh every sense of me.</p><style data-emotn="css d9wkvk">{--data-embed-display:flex;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;clear:both;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;width:100%;}@media(m-width: 20rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{marg:to lc(50% - 50vw) 0.9375rem;width:100vw;}} a span{right:1rem;} img{width:to;height:85vh;} a{display:-webk-le-box;display:-webk-le-flex;display:-ms-le-flexbox;display:le-flex;posn:var(--posn, relative);} img:not(.ewcw41w1){display:block;width:100%;height:to;-webk-align-self:flex-start;-ms-flex-em-align:flex-start;align-self:flex-start;}</style><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="5" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><style data-emotn="css 1gccgwy">@media(m-width: 20rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 75rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:1rem;}}</style><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Shirt and troers by Grg Armani; stud set by Ldsay & Co, available at Bergdorf Goodman, NYC.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="6" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My dad had a b </strong>on the south shore of Nova Stia wh no nng water or electricy. I was obssed wh tree ogs. I would watch them hop along for hours, probably bee of how ty they were. I’ve noticed as an adult how nourishg and ccial is for me to feel nnected to nature. I <em>need</em> . When I’m those spac, my whole body will relax. My strs dissipat. I n get quiet.</p><p data-no-id="7" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I spent a lot </strong>of my childhood the woods. </p><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>When I was a ltle kid,</strong> all I wanted my parents to play was the <em>Bodyguard </em>soundtrack. Loved. And Annie Lennox, <em>Msa.</em>I thk that had a lot to do wh the ver. I’d jt stare at Annie Lennox. My mum’s mic was a lot of Cat Stevens and Stg. The Tragilly Hip—they’re fantastic. My dad was more jazz—Shirley Horn, Ruth Brown.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I don’t thk I ever actually saw <em>The Bodyguard.</em> I should watch . Now I’m feelg embarrassed. </p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I went to a different school </strong>every year durg high school, so I never really had that sgle teacher mentor. When I left Halifax to go to Toronto gra eleven, I thought the bullyg would lsen, regard to what people were clearly bullyg me about. And that wasn’t the se at all. Bullyg puts you a place where, later, you have so much <em>un</em>learng to do. If you’re gettg teased and ma fun of and lled nam on a daily basis, there’s no way that’s not gog to get si of you—particularly when you’re already feelg so much shame. Nobody even needs to open their mouth and you’re already feelg . </p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Those kids left a whole bunch of sh that I had to dig through and unlearn. I’m sure I uld brg up a moment and one of them wouldn’t remember , bee didn’t mean anythg to them. I’d like to thk they regret now.</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I always wanted my mum</strong> to take me to the school plays, even if I didn’t know what they were about. There was some kd of urge to be plac like that. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="13" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt and troers, Cele by Hedi Slimane; rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I so rarely read novels,</strong> but I did jt—not jt, but a few books ago—I read <em>Real Life,</em> by Brandon Taylor. It’s fantastic. He’s such a phenomenal wrer, jt floors you. That I really, really loved. And ’s que rare. I read novels more when I was younger, high school. I didn’t go to llege, or universy, so I’m adamant and discipled to read a lot. Nonfictn, pretty much. </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My childhood bt iend</strong> and I are still very, very close. His name is Mark, and what I’ve learned om him—and what’s so astoundg about him—is his strength and sensivy. Not beg aaid to share your emotns, your pa, to not promise who you are. Mark quaranted and me to Toronto to take re of me after my top surgery, and we rerd an EP on his four-track while I revered. That’s what we were dog—wrg the ltle songs. That sound was jt havg fun. There’s nothg better than creatg thgs wh iends.</p><p data-no-id="16" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Mark’s ials are tattooed unr my right llarbone.</p><p data-no-id="17" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I was a pretty ser soccer player</strong> as a kid. I loved the disciple. I loved learng about teamwork. I loved even the more spirual elements of —what means to fd and create empty space. </p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">As a kid, was plited relatn to my genr. I remember the year the genrs were separated. I was so distrght, so ordately distrght. I was cryg to my mum, “Please, one more year, one more year!” When I was playg wh the boys—soccer, touch football, out back durg recs and lunch—I was havg a blast. They did let me play one more year, then I had to go to the girls’ team. I looked like the other boys, which I was. I’d be on the field about to kick the ball when a ref would say, “I don’t thk boys are allowed to play on this team.” I still played soccer for years, but a lot of love for was not there. </p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>What else have I jt read</strong> that’s so good . . . oh: <em>Somebody’s Dghter,</em> by Ashley C. Ford. Fantastic. </p><p data-no-id="20" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>The reactn to my transn?</strong> I didn’t expect to be so big. In terms of the actual qualy of the rponse, was what I expected: love and support om many people and hatred and celty and vrl om so many others. I me out as gay 2014, and ’s different. Transphobia is jt so, so, so extreme. The hatred and the celty is so much more csant. </p><p data-no-id="21" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thk when people say,</strong> “Oh, he’ll want to play cis male characters now,” the sensatn I get is that the subtext is: They thk that would be an acplishment for me. Vers: I’m trans, I’m queer, and I <em>want </em>to play <em>those</em> rol. When I get asked, “Are you worried about gettg typest?” You wouldn’t say to J-Law or Rooney Mara or someone, are they worried about gettg typest as cis straight women? But at the same time, of urse I want a space where trans people are gettg st as cis characters. Of <em>urse.</em></p><p data-no-id="22" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Ace Ventura</em> was like my favore movie</strong> when I was a kid. I was dog imprsns. And I’ve been films wh super-problematic thgs. But ’s funny now when people are like, “You’re too sensive about jok.” If you look back, all the stuff that’s so horrible, I mean the endg of <em>Ace Ventura</em> is eply transphobic. I was gog home and watchg some s wh nstant gay jok after school every day. As were the kids who end up beg bulli.</p><p data-no-id="23" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>“You’re too sensive.” </strong>Exce me? The stuff trans people al wh on a day-to-day basis? <em>Exce me?</em></p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="24" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2475" height="3263" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Tank by Polo Ralph Lren; jeans by Ralph Lren Purple Label; rg by the Great Frog; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><style data-emotn="css 6s2y3d">{background-lor:#F5F6F8;borr:none;borr-radi:0.625rem;box-shadow:0.4rem 0.4rem 0 #15263D;clear:both;lor:#000;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:1.875rem 1.25rem;text-align:center;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.4;paddg:1.25rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.25rem;le-height:1.4;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}</style><p data-no-id="25" class="body-tip css-6s2y3d et3p2gv0">This article appeared the SUMMER 2022 issue of Esquire<br /><style data-emotn="css 15g0gpe">{background:#FF3A30;background-lor:#FF3A30;-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;borr:th solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:2rem;lor:#000;display:le-block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;letter-spacg:0.04rem;le-height:1.3;paddg:0.625rem 1.25rem;-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-transform:upperse;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;whe-space:pre-le;width:to;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.5rem 0.7rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{paddg:0.6rem 1.125rem 0.3125rem;}}{outle-lor:body-cta-btn-lk-foc;}{lor:#000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;background-lor:#ffffff;borr:th solid #FF3A30;}</style><a href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="subscribe" rel="nofollow" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" class="body-btn-lk css-15g0gpe et3p2gv0">subscribe</a></p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>This really big du, </strong>ls than an arm’s length away, was jt screamg at me, “You faggot! Don’t look at me! You faggot, faggot!” I uldn’t even jt go, like, <em>I’m not lookg at you.</em> It was the one time I’d left the hotel that whole day. I was jt tryg to cross the street, and I uldn’t bee was Sunset Boulevard and there’s traffic, so I cid my bra—bee he was <em>so</em> <em>tall</em>—that I uldn’t do anythg physilly. If I said somethg, he uld retaliate. If I turned around, that uld trigger somethg else. So I thought, <em>I’m jt gog to have to bet on standg pletely still and starg straight ahead.</em></p><p data-no-id="27" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And then eventually, after him yellg, “Faggot! Faggot! Faggot!” some more, he started to walk off and I started to cross the street. And then he jt started screamg, behd me, “I’m gonna kill you, you fuckg faggot! I’m gonna kill you, you fuckg faggot! I’m gonna gay-bash you!” So I ran—I was alone—I ran to a nvenience store, and as I was openg the door he yelled, “This is why I need a gun!”</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Yeah, I don’t thk people really get .<strong><br /></strong></p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Why is sensivy weaponized? </strong>I really feel for cis men regard to the rtrats and reprsn and supprsn that stem om the expectatns of your genr. When I me out, I posted a selfie wh a thank-you note, jt to show how much all the love and support meant. And I saw this ment—I should very much not be lookg at the ments, but this guy said, “Oh, yeah, as if a <em>guy</em> would ever wre somethg sensive like that.” I feel bad for that guy. I feel bad that he’s been brought up a society that equat masculy wh emotnlsns. That’s a really shty way to live, bee ’s gog to e out another directn, and another.</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I’ve never worked out more my life.</strong> Workg out always felt like such a nundm, bee didn’t feel good. I walked and I hiked, but that was . The experience of beg my body now is so different. I’m absolutely hooked. The feelg of beg really engaged wh , prent, phg and gettg stronger and gag weight. It’s thrillg. I feel like a kid dog .</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="31" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Shirt, troers, and tie by Gucci; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt; rg by the Great Frog; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC; socks by Falke.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="32" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I have one, two, three, </strong>four, five, six, seven . . . ne. Ne tattoos. They’re mostly referenc to people my life. One is one of my bt iends’ nicknam. One is one of my bt iends’ middle nam. I have a ltle ffee cup, which I share wh a ar iend. I have iends’ ials, typilly om perds of my life when I don’t know if I would have necsarily gotten through them whout certa dividuals. </p><p data-no-id="33" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>spike</em>. Spike Jonze. </p><p data-no-id="34" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>wiig</em>.</p><p data-no-id="35" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>ep phone home</em> is jt a sweet thg.</p><p data-no-id="36" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">The word <em>turtl</em> is pretty much a random tattoo. I do love turtl. </p><p data-no-id="37" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">The first tattoo I ever got was for Cathere Keener. It’s my nickname for her, which is c keens. That’s jt unr my top right shoulr. I’ve known Keener sce I was neteen—she’s my olst iend L. A., that whole world. Keener tght me not to take bullsh, to keep my feet on the ground, to live my tth, and to take re of my heart. </p><p data-no-id="38" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When <em>Juno</em> was at the height of s populary, durg awards-season time, I was closeted, drsed heels and the whole look—I wasn’t okay, and I didn’t know how to talk about that wh anyone. But I uld wh Keener. I was livg a hotel by myself, and she me and got me. I lived wh her. For my twenty-first birthday, she had a surprise party for me. I didn’t really know anybody, so everyone wore name tags. I wore one, too. Nobody knew me, and they brought the funny ltle gifts. It was really sweet. There are people I met that night who are tattooed on my body. </p><p data-no-id="39" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>And then also a memoir </strong>I jt read that is absolutely one of the bt thgs I’ve ever read is lled <em>Punch Me Up to the Gods,</em> by Brian Broome. Amazg. <em>A. Mazg.</em> <em>Astoundg. </em></p><p data-no-id="40" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>How do money change a person? </strong>That’s a dissertatn. I’m still tryg to wrap my md around bee jt shocks me sometim.</p><p data-no-id="41" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>There are many different typ</strong> of both sex and love. And that’s what n make nfg—hence how paful all of n be. Love is navigatg the possibily of: Am I gog to be able to love someone who isn’t perfect, and are <em>they</em> gog to be able to love someone who isn’t perfect? That nonperfect person beg me. And if that love and bety exists that space, that feels a lot different om havg sex and ignorg the unrneath of all, and not beg te and hont, and beg aaid to share your real self. I don’t thk that uld be nsired love—or <em>te</em> love, if that exists. </p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Sex n also jt be s own separate, </strong>ee, fun, healg, cur, hot, phoric activy that has no attachment. Sex is great is all I’m tryg to say.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="43" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2500" height="1211" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"></div></div></div><p data-no-id="44" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Euphoria:</strong> Summer, ’s hot out, and I’m jt a whe T-shirt that fs me, walkg down the street, shoulrs back, enjoyg the sun and the day. In the past, that would’ve been a very different walk. Instead, you have ias blossomg your md, not nstant feelgs of shame and self-hatred.</p><p data-no-id="45" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>One of my favore books</strong> ever is <em>In the Dream Hoe,</em> by Carmen Maria Machado.</p><p data-no-id="46" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love beg a dog dad. </strong>I need that my life. I don’t even know where to beg wh Mo; I’m so obssed wh him. My heart breaks at the thought of mortaly whenever I thk of him. </p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Everythg that’s beg said </strong>about is all the same sh that was said about LGB people: pedophil, mentally ill, should they be allowed the changg rooms. It’s the same. It’s the same. But the policians are sayg, <em>Oh, sh! This is workg!</em> And that’s what’s sry.</p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>There are people elected office sayg</strong> that, sentially, transgenr people are gog to be rponsible for the end of existence. That gree of rhetoric is really alarmg and horrible. It’s also endls misrmatn—and people buy . The ia of genr beg a bary ncept specifilly based on genalia is a very new ia relatn to human history. We existed every culture throughout history! People don’t learn about that realy. They’re <em>banng</em> kids om learng . It’s all tactil. </p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thought was impossible</strong> how I’m able to feel now. The gree of creativy that’s e out—jt a surge of creativy. Mark and I were makg those songs; I have jt about pleted the first draft of a book; I wrote a screenplay wh my iend B, Beatrice Brown, who did a lot of my tattoos.</p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I get up at six. </strong>I have ffee and I ually try to wre for two hours. I jt go to a portal. I s down, and I am procsg, and I’m tellg a story—vers when I would hardly allow myself to be aware of . Then I take my dog for a really nice walk, and then I try to wre for another uple hours. In the afternoon, I feel out. Bee you’re wrg about tense thgs—not only full of feelgs and trma and difficulti, but also, this is the longt I’ve ever even sat wh so much of that. Wh the thgs that have happened. It’s an tertg experience, the fact that wrg certa thgs n trigger a physlogil rponse. It’s so fascatg, the body.</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I ed to wonr how</strong> humans were gog about their liv. I’d jt look at people. How do you<em> do ?</em><em><br /></em></p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="52" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="3600" height="2400" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Jacket and troers, Sat Lrent by Anthony Vacrello; T-shirt, stylist’s own; two-fger rg by Sterlg Asslt; rg by the Great Frog; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC; socks by Falke.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="53" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Probably my favore thg</strong> to ok is a big spread of roasted vegetabl of all kds. Fennel, brocli, uliflower. <em>Ummm. </em>Japane sweet potato, I love. And then brown rice, I love. And then I jt kda make some tofu the pan, then steam or boil —do you know kombu? Seaweed? You boil , and then—this is funny—and then you mix all wh some tahi or somethg, and then you roll the kombu. I’m tellg you, ’s <em>good.</em></p><p data-no-id="54" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Then other tim I eat</strong> like a teenage boy. I’m like, cereal: Good to go. Or I get fancy and make a ozen burro.</p><p data-no-id="55" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love makg</strong> <em>The Umbrella Amy.</em> I’ve learned how special is to play one character for so long, to evolve wh a fay of characters. All of have gone through a lot. Years have gone by, and we’ve changed and grown our own ways. I love watchg the growth happen alongsi the show, our personali terweavg and all of havg our own moments. I’m jt learng to love the whole journey of . </p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="56" data-embed="edorial-lk" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1643r8a">{borr:none;marg-top:1.875rem;marg-bottom:1.875rem;paddg:0rem;}</style><asi class="css-1643r8a e6pr2lz5"><style data-emotn="css l3w2xc">{display:le-block;font-weight:normal;marg:0rem;borr-top:0.25rem solid #15263D;paddg-right:1.1rem;paddg-top:0.4375rem;text-transform:lowerse;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.3;}</style><h6 class="css-l3w2xc e6pr2lz3"><style data-emotn="css 156fvc1">{borr-bottom:0.4375rem solid #FF3A30;borr-right:0.4375rem solid transparent;ntent:'';display:le-block;height:0;marg-right:0.5rem;width:0;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-156fvc1 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 8lle59">{max-width:lc(100% - 120px - .625rem);}</style><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Related Story</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css c4s2gi">{paddg:0rem;marg:0rem;list-style:none;}</style><ul class="css-c4s2gi e6pr2lz4"><style data-emotn="css 79zw4t">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1rem;le-height:2rem;paddg-top:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.9375rem;le-height:1.3;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:1.4;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;}</style><li class="css-79zw4t e6pr2lz2"><style data-emotn="css 1bn7a5e">{-webk-text-ratn:none;text-ratn:none;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-wrap:wrap;-ms-flex-wrap:wrap;flex-wrap:wrap;-webk-flex-directn:row;-ms-flex-directn:row;flex-directn:row;-webk-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webk-jtify-ntent:flex-start;jtify-ntent:flex-start;-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;}</style><a href="/entertament/tv/a40116951/ellt-page-umbrella-amy-transgenr-viktor-hargreev/" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Reimagg Viktor Hargreev" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Edorial Lks" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="css-1bn7a5e e1c1bym14"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css 1l0u1">{marg-right:0.625rem;height:to;}</style><img src="" alt="d" tle="Reimagg Viktor Hargreev" width="120" height="100%" dg="async" loadg="lazy" image-align="left" class="css-1l0u1 e6pr2lz0" /><span class="css-8lle59 e6pr2lz1">Reimagg Viktor Hargreev</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></a></li></ul></asi></div><p data-no-id="57" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Activism, for me, </strong>feels natural and anic. It feels worse when I’m <em>not </em>actively engaged. And I don’t thk stems om feelg some sort of prsure or obligatn. I hope om a place of, herently, empathy. I like to thk I’m an empathetic person. </p><p data-no-id="58" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But then on some level, <em>yeah, </em>activism is somethg I mt do. I thk we need to utilize all of our privilege our own ways. We all have some versn of , you know?</p><p data-no-id="59" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I n’t ppot a “worst” day.</strong> But when <em>Juno </em>was blowg up—this sounds strange to people, and I get that people don’t unrstand. <em>Oh, fuck you, you’re famo, and you have money, and you had to wear a drs, boo-hoo. </em>I don’t <em>not</em> unrstand that reactn. But that’s mixed wh: I wish people would unrstand that that sh lerally did almost kill me.</p><p data-no-id="60" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I’ve had to have plenty of vil’s-advote nversatns wh cis people who were like, “Well, I’m not trans and I uld wear a skirt!” And ’s like, ol. Okay. Great. So yeah, my early to mid-twenti, I didn’t know how to tell people how unwell I was. I would berate myself for . I was livg the life and my dreams were g te, and all that was happeng. And yet, for example, when I was shootg <em>Inceptn, </em>I uld pretty much not leave whatever hotel I’d be stayg .</p><p data-no-id="61" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I stggled wh food. Intense prsn, anxiety, severe panic attacks. I uldn’t functn. There were days when I’d only have one meetg, and I’d leave my hoe to go to the meetg and have to turn around. Not beg able to get through a script—uld not. Readg is one of my favore thgs to do—I uldn’t read, uldn’t get through a paragraph. </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="62" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Tank by Polo Ralph Lren; jeans by Ralph Lren Purple Label; rg by the Great Frog.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="63" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I uld not picture myself </strong>as a woman agg. Obvly. It was jt like, what is my future? There’s not a future. That’s kd of what felt like. I would say, verbatim: <em>I’ve never been a girl. I’ll never be a woman.</em> </p><p data-no-id="64" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Can I relate to the suici problem</strong> among trans people? Yeah, I n relate eply. And not only to the very nsc, direct act of dog but also certa tim when I lost so much weight or when I was havg such severe panic attacks and llapsed multiple tim—all the thgs that very easily uld, and statistilly do, lead to ath. And that’s all a maniftatn of that trma and disfort that’s a disproportnate issue for transgenr people. </p><p data-no-id="65" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">There were moments of wantg to not be here, but that was jt the sensatn that I was left wh. It wasn’t a movement for actn—other than the ways which I was abg my body, clearly. I would look out the wdow of my apartment and thk, <em>Wh everythg gog on right now and how credible all is, </em>this<em> is how I feel? And I’m twenty-two?</em> It was like, <em>I don’t know if I uld do .</em></p><p data-no-id="66" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I thk of tim when people actively were like,</strong> “No, you need to wear a drs” very, very, very pivotal moments. I remember the premiere of <em>Juno</em> at the Toronto Internatnal Film Ftival. Prevly, dog prs for <em>Hard Candy,</em> or when I went to Sundance for a film, I didn’t know the ncept of, like, a <em>stylist.</em> I grew up workg Canada! It’s different. I drsed how I wanted to drs—not dissiar to now. And I remember gog and havg the thg I wanted to wear, and then unrstandg the gree of expectatn of how fancy someone is supposed to look. So I said I wanted to wear a su, and Fox Searchlight was basilly like, “No, you need to wear a drs.” And they took me a big sh to one of those fancy stor on Bloor Street. They had me wear a drs, and . . . <em>that was that.</em> And then all the <em>Juno</em> prs, all the photo shoots—Michael Cera was slacks and sneakers. I look back at the photos, and I’m like . . .? </p><p data-no-id="67" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And ’s easy for people to roll their ey, but you know what? No. That was really extremely, extremely fucked up. I shouldn’t have to treat like jt this thg that happened—this somewhat normal thg. It’s like: <em>No. </em>Regardls of me beg trans! I’ve had people who’ve apologized about thgs: “Sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t know at the time.” <em>It don’t matter! </em>It don’t matter if I’m trans or cis. Lots of cis women drs how I drs. That has nothg to fuckg do wh . </p><p data-no-id="68" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>It’s really funny, </strong>sce the book announcement, I’ve had three random, spicly timed apologi pop up. Intertg timg.</p><p data-no-id="69" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>People, pecially teenage girls, </strong><em>really </em>rpond to that character, Juno. The clothg—which was jt me takg a producer to ed-clothg stor Vanuver. The vibe—somethg that was, if not <em>non</em>existent . . .  was <em>new</em> for a film that reached the dience reached, and wh her as the tle character. It related to my queerns and my transns. And then you have that film have the succs had, and the major, major prof, between the film and the soundtrack—and then you fuckg squash that all away. You squash . So you’re benefg greatly om this character that nnected wh people, and then you do that. It’s gross. </p><p data-no-id="70" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I wish I uld go back and experience now. As me.</p><div size="large" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="71" class="align-center size-large embed css-d9wkvk e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2731" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-1gccgwy e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">Jacket and jeans, Sat Lrent by Anthony Vacrello.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="72" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Why are people makg more difficult? </strong>It really breaks my heart. It <em>really</em> breaks my <em>heart.</em> That’s lerally all we’re tryg to munite. That’s what’s so funny to me. When people say, <em>Cancel this. Cancel that.</em> No, they get four more edy specials and have a jilln followers! The people gettg nceled are the trans people who are sufferg, or killg themselv, or murred. </p><p data-no-id="73" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I often fd that ’s the media that do .</strong> People n actually be munitg a way that isn’t aggrsive, but then sudnly ’s all about creatg this <em>tensn, </em>and then <em>this</em> person doubl down on <em>that!</em> And, like: No. It’s a nversatn—which, by the way, is what you’re sayg you’re askg for.</p><p data-no-id="74" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Jok have an impact that hurts people. </strong>I unrstand that people might thk don’t. I unrstand that they’re not meang to. But: It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. You believe what you’re sayg. You believe . It’s not a joke. They believe . It’s clearly not a joke. And all we’re sayg is: Can you jt please listen and unrstand the harm that ? That’s all we’re tryg to say. That is<em> lerally</em> all we are tryg to say. And then we get <em>undated</em> wh hatred for sayg . But I’m sorry: <em>You</em> are the on who don’t want to have the nversatn. <em>You</em>are the on who are so sensive, who n’t handle people sayg, Hey, n you not do that? </p><p data-no-id="75" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I love hockey. </strong>I don’t really have a team, I jt love watchg . When I lived L. A., I’d go to Kgs gam and cheer for the Kgs. But if Toronto me, I’d cheer for both. I was at a sports bar last night watchg the NBA playoffs, Memphis vers Mnota. I’m not someone who is a die-hard fan of a team. Is that strange? I keep meang to bee one. Every year I say this is the year I’m pickg a team and I’m stayg wh that team. And I never do . </p><div size="medium" data-embed="body-image" data-no-id="76" class="align-center size-medium embed css-1736von e1xqj1sx4"><div class="css-uwraif e1xqj1sx3"><img alt="d" tle="d" loadg="lazy" width="2730" height="3600" dg="async" data-nimg="1" style="lor: transparent; width: 100%; height: to;" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 980w, 1120w, 1200w, 1920w" src="" class="css-0 exi4f7p0" /><div class="css-swqnqv e1xqj1sx2"><div class="css-8h7i7x e1xqj1sx1">T-shirt and troers, Cele by Hedi Slimane; ; vtage boots, available at Stock Vtage, NYC.</div><figptn class="css-1am3yn9 enfs9c50"><span class="css-1mcfn5x e6iqd2">RUVEN AFANADOR</span></figptn></div></div></div><p data-no-id="77" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>I uld still skate.</strong> It’s been ag, but I’d be fe. I was probably on skat at three. On a pond. Back when thgs oze. </p><p data-no-id="78" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Liverpool is my mum’s team.</strong> She knows all the players, the ach, the drama, everythg. Her number-one bucket-list thg was to go to a Liverpool game. I was dog prs for Season One of <em>Umbrella Amy </em> London. There was a Liverpool game. I reached out to the team and said I wanted to brg my mum to a game. They were so credibly welg and kd. I brought my mum over and surprised her. Gettg to watch her be at that game was tly one of the most absolute special moments my life. In the begng, when everyone is sgg, she’s jt swayg and sgg. I have on vio. When the game was over, they took her down to see the field and the seats where the players s. She got to meet the ach. Seeg my mum happy mak me so happy.</p><p data-no-id="79" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Alexanr Chee’s—</strong>maybe you’ve read —<em>How to Wre an Autobgraphil Novel</em>? <em>Ohhhhhh.</em> It’s so good. </p><p data-no-id="80" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>My mother </strong>was born the fifti. She was a mister’s dghter. You know? She fely didn’t want me to be queer. That’s where there was a lot of challenge, for years. Until I was my twenti. But I love her so much, and I totally unrstand, and five. I have a mother who lov me, and not everybody has that.</p><p data-no-id="81" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Fivens?</strong> Depends on the suatn. There are a uple people I don’t five. I don’t know what this thg is about always havg to five. I don’t wish them harm, but I shouldn’t feel obligated or forced to five them. Maybe at some pot, but there are a uple people I don’t, and I don’t feel bad about . And there are other people who, absolutely. Of urse. </p><p data-no-id="82" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Do you know the book</strong> <em>Spl Tooth,</em> by Tanya Tagaq? It’s one of the bt thgs I’ve ever read. Amazg. Amazg. Amazg. Amazg. The last two pag of her book are jt this whole betiful piece about: I don’t want to five. But I five myself. I’ll pick up every once a while jt to read that. </p><p data-no-id="83" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Kids?</strong> No. I feel like I’ve also had to take re of myself so much. I’m obssed wh my dog. That’s my kid. I’m good wh that. I mean, if I met someone who had a kid, I’m not pletely closed off to the ia that maybe when I’m olr, I uld adopt a kid who’s olr, you know. But no. </p><p data-no-id="84" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>For me, phoria </strong>is simply the act of wakg up, makg my ffee, and stg down wh a book and beg able to read. I know that may sound strange, but I n’t strs enough the gree of disfort and stggle that I was experiencg that got the way of everythg. How uld not?</p><p data-no-id="85" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">There is a universaly to that. We’ve all experienced siar versns. It would be so nice, the more and more we n realize how much we’re all this together. The same kd of stuff that at me is not <em>not</em> affectg cis people and makg cis people be nfed spac that are expected of them. This affects all.</p><p data-no-id="86" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong>Dner tonight?</strong> Good qutn. I do have some veggi and stuff. I have fennel, brocli. . . . </p><hr data-no-id="87" class="css-18pb4rg et3p2gv0" /><p data-no-id="88" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Productn by Roger Inniss at Boom Productns Inc</em></p><p data-no-id="89" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Set sign by Charlotte Malmlöf</em></p><p data-no-id="90" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Hair by Thom Priano</em></p><p data-no-id="91" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Groomg by Frankie Boyd for Tom Ford</em></p><p data-no-id="92" class="body-text css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em>Tailorg by Joseph Tg</em></p><style data-emotn="css ciejky">{clear:both;marg-top:1.25rem;}</style><div id="journey-le" class="css-ciejky e1cslvxz0"></div><style data-emotn="css 79elbk">{posn:relative;}</style><div class="css-79elbk eg8z2o90"><div class="css-79elbk e1tp40ll1"><div data-anchor-id="P0-0" class="css-0 e1tp40ll0"></div></div><style data-emotn="css hi6ssp">{display:block;grid-area:article_body;grid-lumn:article_body-start/article_body-end;grid-row:to;jtify-self:center;marg:1.25rem 0 0;}@media prt{{display:none;}}@media(max-width: 30rem){{width:100%;}}@media(max-width: 61.25rem){{m-height:28rem;}}@media(m-width: 30rem){{width:488px;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{width:612px;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{max-width:40.25rem;}}</style><div class="css-hi6ssp eg8z2o92"></div></div></div></div><div></div><div data-teractive="WatchNext-1" class="css-0 e10xr3vp6"><style data-emotn="css 1pqv15d">{marg-bottom:1.875rem;marg-top:1.875rem;paddg:0 0.938rem;}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{paddg:0 2.5rem;}}</style><div data-embed="watch-next" class="css-1pqv15d e10xr3vp5"><style data-emotn="css 604vx7">{text-align:center;marg:0 to;max-width:60rem;borr-top:0.125rem solid #15263D;}</style><div class="css-604vx7 e10xr3vp4"><style data-emotn="css 1sowyjy">{marg-bottom:1.25rem;}</style><div class="css-1sowyjy e10xr3vp3"><style data-emotn="css ju94x7">{marg:0rem;font-weight:normal;background-lor:#ffffff;lor:#000;borr:0.125rem solid #15263D;text-align:left;width:-webk-f-ntent;width:-moz-f-ntent;width:f-ntent;borr-radi:2rem;display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:0.70028rem;le-height:1.2;letter-spacg:0.04rem;marg-top:-1rem;paddg:0.5rem 0.9375rem 0.25rem;text-transform:upperse;}</style><h6 class="css-ju94x7 e10xr3vp2"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span><span class="css-0 e10xr3vp1">Watch Next</span><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h6><style data-emotn="css un61">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;marg:0rem;m-height:to;paddg-top:1rem;text-align:left;}@media(max-width: 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