When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?
• READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• "WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED
• CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT
• WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS
• WHY ARE SO MANY GAY ROMANCE NOVELS WRTEN BY STRAIGHT WOMEN?
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). Sure, an ocsnal teenage girl falls for a boy who's gay, but don't take most girls very long to figure out that, this se, where there's smoke, there's most fely not fire. In general, the attractn women feel for gay men tends to be emotnal nature, clearg the way for a highly satisfyg relatnship that outlasts most other relatnships gay men and straight women have.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GAY MEN

Send, straight women love gay men bee closens wh gay men provis a wdow to how the mds of men work, somethg that women want to know as they navigate datg waters wh their straight male peers. Though there are, of urse, differenc between straight and gay men, gay men are neverthels men who share many characteristics and motivatns wh straight men.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

When to the sexualy of young straight and gay men—meang, how equently they thk about sex, want , or feel impatient to get to the actual sex part—there are undoubtedly siari. In general, gay men, and gay women, too, tend to be more fearls than their straight unterparts—particularly straight men—bee they’ve ually experienced bullyg and prejudice bee of their sexual orientatn. Instead, they feel more fortable removg the sexual factor that exists at straight bars and prefer the harmlsns that wh socializg wh gay men gay surroundgs.

If straight women and gay men foc on fdg iendships where there's te emotnal patibily and rpect, they n velop one of the most rewardg relatnships a person uld have.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

The days, straight woman and gay men who get along would probably jt be lled mat, but “handbags” were often vol and visual supports of the homosexual muny when discrimatn — legal and otherwise — was still rampant. To answer your qutn plaly wh the rmatn that you’ve shared, ’s likely that some gay men do have sexual relatnships wh women to hi their te orientatn, due to fear of g out. And, although scientific studi this field are rare, sexual aroal to women has been measured groups of men wh several different sexual orientatns, cludg those who intify as gay.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

Surveys among high school stunts found differenc between inty and sexual behavrs, wh many of the self-intified gay or lbian stunts mentng that they engage sexual activi wh those of other genrs.

Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. “I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan. Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns. In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game.

GAY MEN HAVG SEX WH WOMEN?

Rsell says he wasn’t surprised by the fdgs, although he did fd tertg that gay men were jt as tstg of straight women as straight women were of gay men. ”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

Those lov are like fallg love wh a teacher, or a straight fallg love wh a gay, or fallg love wh a married person, or fallg love wh a sger or an actor. But you need to know that if the person dont want to do somethg wh you, you need to pass no matter have to rpect that the person you like is straight jt like how he rpect and accept you beg Gay.

When Lren Blakely, a married straight 49-year-old woman livg Seattle and a vorac rear, me upon the 2007 lerary sensatn Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman, a gay romance that was ma to a 2017 movie starrg Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer, she voured a weekend. Her first gay romance, A Guy Walks Into My Bar, was her playg wh the ia of whether was possible for two men, strangers, a US hockey player and a Brish bartenr, to fall love six days. Bee FM romance books the days n have siarly racy vers, a potential buyer sometim mt read the text on the back to tell that the books are gay, not straight.

I AM GAY AND I'M LOVE WH A STRAIGHT, WHAT N I DO?

MM romance wrers may tegrate var aspects of ntemporary gay life their books, referencg gay bars and hookup apps, for example, as well as trop like llege days and profsnal sports. The plited bs of gay life – self-doubt, homophobia, the difficulty of g out, hard-to-harns sir, negotiatg non-monogamy – mt be set asi for a few hundred pag. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well?

READG MM: HOW GAY ROMANCE SCRATCH AN ITCH FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN

Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man. I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice. Crackg the why and whenRecently, my lleagu and I at the Universy of Texas at Arlgton veloped a seri of four related tled the four studi "Why (and When) Straight Women Tst Gay Men: Ulterr Matg Motiv and Female Competn, " wh the hope of better tablishg why straight women tst gay men and when straight women would be most likely to seek out gay men for iendship and the first study, I wanted to replite the fdg that women tst gay men more than straight men or straight women.

This time, however, I wanted to see if women would only tst gay men's datg-related advice as opposed to other typ of turns out straight women only tsted a gay man's advice about a potential boyiend more than the same advice om, say, a straight man or another straight woman. It really only had to do wh one thg: datg and further exame why this might be the se, we had women image receivg rmatn om eher a straight woman, straight man, or a gay man about their physil appearance and the dateabily of potential boyiends. We then asked the women how scere they felt the rpons expected, the female subjects seemed to perceive the judgments g om the gay man to be more scere bee they knew that he wouldn't have any ulterr motiv—whether that meant woog the subject (which they might spect of straight men) or petg for the same romantic partner (straight women) the fal two studi, we wanted to figure out when women were most likely to beiend and place their tst gay men.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

We predicted that this would most often occur highly petive datg environments, where a tstworthy source like a gay iend would be valued by women jockeyg wh one another for a tt this, we created a fake news article that tailed extremely skewed sex rats, ditg that women llege were petg over a very small pool of men. We had women read this news article and then dite how much they would tst a straight woman or a gay man var datg-related women read the news article about the creased petn, their tst gay men was amplified.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY GOOD SEX LIFE": GAY MEN WH STRAIGHT WIV ARE G OUT -- AS HAPPILY MARRIED

Not only were women more apt to tst gay men unr this ndn, but we also found that they beme more willg to make gay male datg adviceThe downsi is that if a straight woman valu her gay male iends only for datg advice, the relatnship uld bee que superficial (see Chris Rtta's say "I'm Gay, Not Your Accsory"). However, the strong tst that women ially form wh gay men n serve as a primer; eventually, this tst uld extend to other areas, wh the iendship blossomg over fdgs—bed wh our own—show that there seems to be an extremely strong psychologil unrpng for why women are so drawn to gay stance, a recent study the Journal of Bs and Psychology revealed that straight women tend to hire gay men over other heterosexual dividuals bee they perceive gay men to be more petent and warmer. Furthermore, marketg rearchers have suggted that straight women prefer to work wh gay male sal associat over others nsumer retail two fdgs alone uld have many posive implitns for gay men the workplace.

CAN A GAY MAN FALL LOVE WH A WOMAN?

Although much of this rearch foc on why women are drawn to iendships wh gay men, another obv avenue of exploratn is whether or not gay men are siarly keen to form iendships wh straight women. For example, a study I nducted 2013, I found that gay men also look to women for tstworthy datg advice or tips for fdg a prospective rearchers have suggted that gay men value the posive attus towards homosexualy that women tend to have (relative to straight men) this se, the implic tst seems to be a two-way Rsell is a Ph.

Weed is a practicg Mormon and the Church’s current stance on the topic of homosexualy n be summed up like so: “The attractn self is not a s, but actg on is. But there are plenty of SSA men who believe that homosexual behavrs are a relig s -- and, as the recent amic brief shows, some are willg to go so far as to policize their inty orr to fight equal rights for gays. "In some ways, a very relig, exclively gay man married to an asexual woman, they n have a very nice iendship, a very wonrful relatnship many ways, and wouldn't be a fay therapist's dream, but would be fe for them.

The thors of this piece, the psychologist Eric Rsell and his lleagu om Texas Christian Universy, claim that the age-old relatnship between the homosexual male and the heterosexual female served (and likely ntu to serve) a blogilly adaptive ’s an ancient alliance, they reason, that is unique among human social bonds for one important reason: the absence of ulterr motiv the doma of sexual behavr.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

“Straight women may experience creased tst their relatnships wh gay men, ” expla the thors:… due to the absence of ceptive matg motivatns that equently tat their relatnships wh straight men (sexual tert) and other straight women (mate petn) terms of havg someone to help them to make the most adaptive reproductive cisns, ’s a one-sid iendship. But the thors reason that gay men also rive direct sexual benefs om havg straight female iends:The sexual tert and petive motiv that may tat gay men’s iendships wh each other are notably absent om their relatnships wh straight there li the w-w for both:Dpe beg sexually attracted to the same genr (i.

That’s shorthand for the ambiguo, liberate, or awkward sexual tensns that n unrme even the bt platonic iendships between a straight woman and a straight man (or between two gay men.

WOMEN WARM UP FASTER TO GAY MEN THAN STRAIGHT GUYS, STUDY SUGGTS

Yet prr studi have ed revealed that both straight women and gay men rate their iendships wh each other as beg qualatively more meangful and eper than other prev work—which also found that straight women wh gay male iends tend to have a posive body image, to feel sexually attractive and secure, and to nsir themselv appreciated for their personaly—ed survey data, th keepg scientists om drawg any nclns about the unrlyg .

You do not know this person, but you ci to look them up on Facebook before acpanyg them to the participants were then shown a fake Facebook profile of the llege-aged neighbor, cludg a photo and clear rmatn about the person beg: (a) a gay male; (b) a straight male; or (c) a straight female. And so as Rsell and his lleagu predicted, the straight women who’d been randomly assigned to the “gay male Jordan” ndn rated his tstworths as signifintly higher pared to those answerg qutns about “straight male Jordan” or “straight female Jordan.

WHY ARE SO MANY GAY ROMANCE NOVELS WRTEN BY STRAIGHT WOMEN?

On the other hand, argue the thors, sce gay men and lbians are attracted to different genrs, this absence of a mon sexual tert may lead gay men to perceive lbians as ls tstworthy than straight women, at least when to relatnship and datg advice. Gay men who were randomly assigned to the “straight female Jordan” perceived the target’s tstworths to be signifintly higher than those who got the “lbian Jordan” or “gay male Jordan. Whether or not, say, gay men are actually more tstworthy than straight men (or other straight women) when to dolg our matg advice is a very different empiril qutn.

In a pair of studi on the timacy of teractns between over 200 heterosexual women and their male nversatn partners, rearchers found that the women had iendlier, more open teractns wh gay men who disclosed their sexual orientatn pared to men who revealed that they were straight. “When the women disver that they are teractg wh gay men, this anxiety is greatly rced that the women no longer feel prsured to supprs their more open and volvg teractn behavrs, ” Rsell said. In the first study, 153 heterosexual female llege stunts pleted an onle survey which they were asked to image stg alone a wag room wh eher a straight or gay male stranger.

On average, women reported feelg slightly more at ease after learng the man was straight, but signifintly more fortable when the man turned out to be gay.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

Post-teractn, both members of straight woman-gay man (SW-GM) dyads reported higher levels of terpersonal rapport wh their partner than those straight woman-straight man (SW-SM) dyads. “Straight women and gay men likely see their iendships as safe spac where they n have fun, be themselv, and engage timate nversatns whout fear of judgement, expectatns, or one-sid sexual tert, ” says Rsell.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

(Technilly what I’m talkg about is lled “male/male romance”; “gay romance” is wrten by gay men for gay men, may not foc on a romantic relatnship, and don’t guarantee a happily-ever-after. The first time I noticed this, I flipped the book over my hands, back and forth, lookg at the ultra-gay ver art, and then the thor’s photo on the back. In this dynamic, which I see enacted gay romance novels, the tth of the man’s queerns is erased, bee the character is gay only the ways the straight woman thor n image.