My hband is gay but we’re married wh two kids and have great sex

Contents:

• FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED
• ‘WE ARE EXPECTED TO BE OK WH NOT HAVG CHILDREN’: HOW GAY PARENTHOOD THROUGH SURROGACY BEME A BATTLEGROUND
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• I’M 43 – BUT I’M MA TO FEEL LIKE A DOSR BY YOUNGER GAY MEN
• I AM GAY BUT I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN AND WH KIDS
• WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• MORE GAY MEN CHOOSE SURROGACY TO HAVE CHILDREN

FOR GAY MEN, HAVG A BLOGIL CHILD N BE PLITED

The procs tak about two years and sts around $200, 000 per child - and prospective gay fathers don't meet eligibily creria for most health surance plans' fertily benefs, although this is begng to change. Brent Monsr, MD, recently helped lead a study to document tails of how gay men e assisted reproductive technology to build their fai, cludg qutns such as how many children they wish to have and how often their efforts succeed.

‘WE ARE EXPECTED TO BE OK WH NOT HAVG CHILDREN’: HOW GAY PARENTHOOD THROUGH SURROGACY BEME A BATTLEGROUND

Your paper giv historil ntext for how shiftg attus toward LGBTQ fai have changed the climate for gay men who want to bee fathers.

There has been a lot of foc the scientific lerature on whether children turn out OK if they have gay parents. Why is important for the experienc of gay men seekg fertily re to be reflected the scientific lerature?

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Cisgenr gay men are almost never clud this rearch, so as physicians we don't know anythg about their characteristics as reproductive health patients, even basic rmatn such as their mographics, clil cisn-makg patterns or out. That gave a wdow to a natnal group of 119 cisgenr men, cludg five sgle men and 57 gay upl, who uniquely had fertily benefs. It's important to keep md that our data reflect the experienc of dividuals who n afford reproductive medil re bee their employer-sponsored fertily benefs ver , and that is still an unual suatn for gay men.

I’M 43 – BUT I’M MA TO FEEL LIKE A DOSR BY YOUNGER GAY MEN

This data served as the foundatn for a grant applitn we've jt had approved to nduct a much larger populatn study that will give accs to rmatn on about 2, 000 embryo transfers annually gay men. A lot of people see a fertily doctor bee they have an unrlyg medil issue, whereas gay male upl ually have two possible sperm sourc, a young egg donor and a gtatnal rrier who has already had succsful pregnanci. I thk that, bee of the medil factors, birth rat for gay upl uld serve as a morn standard for evaluatg the succs of IVF labs.

I AM GAY BUT I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN AND WH KIDS

We regnize that this may be bee a lot of gay men requt tws or may ultimately want two children, and fertily doctors may be transferrg two embryos to try to save their patients money so they only have to go through the fertily treatment procs once.

But we need to ask: Are we puttg gtatnal rriers at unnecsary risk om tw pregnanci, and puttg gay upl at unnecsary risk of havg babi the NICU? Before I was an OB/GYN, I thought, "This is a health accs issue, and if gay men want tws we should rpect their tonomy. What do add to have physician-scientists like you, who are gay, answerg rearch qutns about this populatn of prospective parents?

I'm currently a fellow, and I have patients g specifilly to see me, not bee I'm the most amazg doctor but bee I'm gay, and they want a gay doctor. Others may be ncerned that sgle men or gay male upl would have a harr time adoptg jt bee they are men, but this may not be te. “For gay male sgl/upl, we have particularly easier the matchg procs, as there is no other mom 'replacg' the child’s birth mother and often get chosen quicker.

WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?

” Wh marriage equaly won years ago, they expected to be able to have a nventnal married months before their weddg, a targeted ad om an anisatn lled Gay Parents to Be land Maggipto’s Instagram feed, offerg ee nsultatns wh a fertily doctor who’d give them “the whole ndown” on how they uld start a fay. “We had the appotment and we were 100% on the same page – let’s move forward wh this, ” says ’s when they first beme aware of the eye-waterg st of blogil parenthood for gay men.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

That meant straight people and lbians workg for the Cy of New York would have the sts of IVF vered, but gay male upl uld never be isn’t an oversight, ’s discrimatn, Brisk says. If they w, employers and health surers across the US will be unr prsure to change their polici to give gay men the same accs to fertily benefs as anyone else. But their se has bee much bigger than one uple’s drive to start a fay: they have bee figureheads the battle for fertily rights for all gay men.

MORE GAY MEN CHOOSE SURROGACY TO HAVE CHILDREN

But brgg a fertily equaly claim that took eventual surrogacy for granted, they had unwtgly stumbled to the le of fire of one of the great culture wars of our age: whether anyone – but gay men particular – should be able to pay to e a woman’s body. In England and Wal, the number of parents g a surrogate has quadpled over the past 10 years, but is always ntroversial: high-profile gay men om Brian Dowlg to Tom Daley have been acced of exploatn, “womb rental” and even “child abe” when they go public about creatg their fai wh a surrogate. Surrogacy always wh ser legal and ethil challeng, whether is tradnal (g the surrogate’s eggs) or gtatnal; altistic or mercial; gay or straight.

” He is referrg to the Amerin Society for Reproductive Medice’s guil, but wh no official regulatn the US, there’s no pulsn for anyone to follow to the fear that gay surrogacy eras mothers, Maggipto is fiant. “Gay men now want surance pani to treat beg born male as a disabily or as a protected tegory, one which requir paid pensatn, ” she wrote an article for a femist webse published a few days after the men filed their plat. ”Author and psychology and women’s studi profsor Phyllis Chler says ‘geic narcissism’ mak gay men want surrogacy stead of adoptn.

Gay men want surrogacy stead of adoptn, she says, bee of “geic narcissism” among Chler’s papers is a py of Maggipto and Brisk’s legal plat. “If you balance the women who uld die pregnancy, the women who uld bee fertile bee of their eggs beg harvted, who mt endure pa and loss of time a way not mensurate to what they are beg paid, agast this new sire of a gay male uple to e surrogacy as their first optn, I thk the balance of sufferg is more on the female si.

Schter, 38, has given birth five tim: three tim for herself and her hband, and then twice for a gay uple om France. She signed up to donate bone marrow, then offered to rry a baby for a iend who was stgglg wh fertily issu; when her iend cled, she went onle and found a surrogacy agency who matched her wh a gay man om the Cayman didn’t matter to her that he was sgle.

She has rried two children for a gay man the Cayman Islands: ‘It was none of my DNA – I’m more like a babyster.

”‘More and more people the male gay muny are thkg of parentg at a younger and younger age, ” says Ron Poole-Dayan, executive director of Men Havg Babi. “After the mographic disptn of the Aids panmic, gay people have bee more able and likely to form stable relatnships, that creasgly got more social regnn.

Photograph: Mark Hartman/The GuardianToday, blogil fatherhood only exists for rich gay upl – or poor on. Men Havg Babi’ Gay Parentg Assistance Programme giv out more than $1m a year disunted and ee medil servic and sh grants to those ser fancial need. ” Jt like everyone else, the cy’s first rponse was to assume this was all about accs to they wa for a cisn, Maggipto and Brisk mt endure the heartache of watchg the children of their wealthy gay iends grow up.