When Your Child Is Gay | Psychology Today

Contents:

• EARLY SIGNS TO TELL YOUR CHILD IS GAYTIMOFDIATHE DIFFICULT JOURNEYUNRSTANDG, ACKNOWLEDGG, AND SHARG ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN WH THE WORLD, IS EASY FOR SOME, WHILE FOR OTHERS THE JOURNEY IS LONG AND DIFFICULT.GETTY-IMAGCOMG OUT ISN'T EASYGAY YOUTH OFTEN FACE THEIR SET OF CHALLENG AFTER G OUT ABOUT THEIR GENR PREFERENC.GETTY-IMAGTHE ROLE OF PARENTSAS PARENTS, ALL YOU N DO IS PROVI THEM WH LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS N START OM AN EARLY AGE IF YOU N INTIFY THE SIGNS OF YOUR CHILD'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN.GETTY-IMAG​DRSG UPIT MAY SEEM STEREOTYPIL, BUT SOME REARCH SUGGTS THAT KIDS SHOW THEIR CLATN BY THE WAY THEY DRS UP. GETTY-IMAG​SPEECHAS PER A STUDY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE SPEECH OF KIDS WHO ARE CLED TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. THE CHANGE THE TONE N EASILY BE TECTED EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. GETTY-IMAG​TOYS PREFERENCEWHEN ROLE-PLAYG, IF A BOY OFTEN TAK THE FEME ROLE OR THE GIRL LIK TO PLAY ROUGH GAM, THEN YOU NEED TO PAY A LTLE ATTENTN. GETTY-IMAGYOU MAY ALSO LIKECOVID: WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KID'S IMM...
• WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR KID IS GAY
• HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM GAY? SIGNS YOU ARE GAY
• IS YOUR CHILD GAY?
• WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY
• PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE
• PARENTG A GAY CHILD
• HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY
• PARENT SPECTS THAT CHILD MIGHT BE GAY
• AT WHAT AGE DO KIDS INTIFY AS GAY?

EARLY SIGNS TO TELL YOUR CHILD IS GAYTIMOFDIATHE DIFFICULT JOURNEYUNRSTANDG, ACKNOWLEDGG, AND SHARG ONE'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN WH THE WORLD, IS EASY FOR SOME, WHILE FOR OTHERS THE JOURNEY IS LONG AND DIFFICULT.GETTY-IMAGCOMG OUT ISN'T EASYGAY YOUTH OFTEN FACE THEIR SET OF CHALLENG AFTER G OUT ABOUT THEIR GENR PREFERENC.GETTY-IMAGTHE ROLE OF PARENTSAS PARENTS, ALL YOU N DO IS PROVI THEM WH LOVE AND SUPPORT. THIS N START OM AN EARLY AGE IF YOU N INTIFY THE SIGNS OF YOUR CHILD'S SEXUAL ORIENTATN.GETTY-IMAG​DRSG UPIT MAY SEEM STEREOTYPIL, BUT SOME REARCH SUGGTS THAT KIDS SHOW THEIR CLATN BY THE WAY THEY DRS UP. GETTY-IMAG​SPEECHAS PER A STUDY, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE SPEECH OF KIDS WHO ARE CLED TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. THE CHANGE THE TONE N EASILY BE TECTED EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. GETTY-IMAG​TOYS PREFERENCEWHEN ROLE-PLAYG, IF A BOY OFTEN TAK THE FEME ROLE OR THE GIRL LIK TO PLAY ROUGH GAM, THEN YOU NEED TO PAY A LTLE ATTENTN. GETTY-IMAGYOU MAY ALSO LIKECOVID: WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR KID'S IMM...

As I relayed When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know (Sterlg, 2016), I found out that my son was gay om a note wh our son's name entwed wh another boy's, surround by a heart.

Acrdg to my -thor, psychiatrist Jonathan Tobk, "Gay children feel credibly vulnerable when g out to their parents, and tak time to work up the urage to do this. It’s what the behavrs signal to parents about their child’s cipient sexualy that mak them so unsirable—the behavral patterns are feared, loathed and often spoken of directly as harbgers of adult homosexualy.

WHEN DO GAY KIDS START “ACTG GAY”?

However, is only relatively recently that velopmental scientists have nducted ntrolled studi wh one clear aim md, which is to go beyond mere stereotyp and accurately inty the most reliable signs of later homosexualy. In lookg refully at the childhoods of now-gay adults, rearchers are fdg an trigug set of early behavral ditors that homosexuals seem to have mon. And, curly enough, the age-old homophobic fears of parents seem to have some genue predictive their technil wrgs, rearchers this area simply refer to pt-sized prospective gays and lbians as “prehomosexual.

Michael Bailey, a psychologist om Northwtern Universy, and Canadian psychiatrist Kenh Zucker published the semal paper on childhood markers of homosexualy wh their ntroversial 1995 review article Developmental Psychology. ” So one thg to keep md is that this particular work isn’t about intifyg the of homosexualy, per se, but stead ’s about xg the childhood rrelat of same-sex attractn. In other words, nobody is disputg the geic factors unrlyg adult homosexualy or the well-tablished prenatal fluenc; but the prent work is orthogonal to those al mols.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR KID IS GAY

Not surprisgly, therefore, boys naturally select other boys for playmat, and girls would much rather play wh other girls than wh on the basis of some earlier, shakier rearch, along wh a good dose of mon sense, Bailey and Zucker hypothized that homosexuals would show an verted pattern of sex-typed childhood behavrs (ltle boys preferrg girls as playmat and fatuated wh their mothers’ make-up ks; ltle girls strangely enamoured by field hockey or profsnal wrtlg…that sort of thg).

Usually this is done by g somethg like the famo Ksey Sle, which volv a semistctured clil terview about sexual behavr and sexual fantasi to rate people on a sle of 0 (exclively heterosexual) to 6 (exclively homosexual). First, given that only about 10 percent of the populatn is homosexual, a rather large number of prehomosexuals are need to obta a sufficient sample size of eventually gay adults, and this would require a huge oversamplg of children jt se some turn out gay.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM GAY? SIGNS YOU ARE GAY

In fact, the rearchers found that the odds of the women reportg a bisexual/homosexual orientatn was up to 23 tim higher than would normally occur a general sample of young women. Not all “tomboys” bee lbians, of urse, but the data do suggt that lbians often have a history of cross-sex-typed the same holds for gay men.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

In their 1995 report, Bailey and Kenh Zucker revealed that, retrospective studi (the send method ed to exame the relatn between childhood behavr and adult sexual orientatn, which adults simply answer qutns about their childhoods) 89 percent of randomly sampled gay men relled cross-sex-typed childhood behavrs exceedg the heterosexual median. Some crics have qutned the general retrospective approach, argug that participants’ memori (both those of gay and straight dividuals) may be distorted to f wh societal expectatns and stereotyp about what gays and straights are like as children.

There is also evince of a “dosage effect”: the more genr nonnformg characteristics there are childhood, the more likely is that a homosexual/bisexual orientatn will be prent —and I know you’ve been wag for me to say this—there are several very important veats to this body of work.

But I also wasn’t an overly effemate child, was never bullied as a “sissy, ” and by the time I was ten I was distguishably as annoyg, unuth and wired as my close male fact, by thirteen, I was already eply socialized to mascule social norms; this se, I took to middle school wrtlg as a rather scrawny eighty-pound eighth grar, and so dog I ironilly beme all too nsc ed of my homosexual orientatn. Intrigugly, cross-cultural data published by Fernando Luiz Cardoso of Santa Catara State Universy a 2008 issue of Archiv of Sexual Behavr showed that young prehomosexual mal are attracted to solary sports, such as swimmg, cyclg, or tennis, over rougher ntact sports, such as football or soccer—and also that they are ls likely to be childhood bulli. Another veat is that rearchers this area readily nce that there are probably multiple—and no doubt very plited—velopmental rout to adult homosexualy.

WHEN YOUR CHILD IS GAY

Sce the prospective and retrospective data discsed the foregog studi often reveal very early emergg tras prehomosexuals, however, those children who show pronounced sex-atypil behavrs may have “more” of a geic loadg to their homosexualy, whereas gay adults who were sex-typil as children might trace their homosexualy more directly to particular childhood experienc. For example, a rather stunng se of what I’ll ll “say--isn’t-so science”—science that produc data that rebel agast popular, polilly rrect, or emotnally appealg sentiments—ntroversial new fdgs published earlier this year the Archiv of Sexual Behavr ht trigugly that men—but not women—who were sexually abed as children are signifintly more likely than non-abed mal to have had homosexual relatnships as adults. In fact impli que the oppose, sce prepubertal erotic experienc n later nsolidate to irreversible sexual orientatns and preferenc, as I discsed a prev piece on the childhood origs of fetish and is fashnable the days to say that one is “born gay, ” of urse, but if we thk about a b more crilly, ’s a b odd, and probably nonsensil, to refer to a newborn fant, swaddled blankets and still sucklg on s mother’s teats, as beg homosexual.

Then aga, all else beg equal, I spect we’d be hard-prsed to fd parents that would actually prefer their offsprg to be homosexual rather than heterosexual. Evolutnarily, needls to say, parental homophobia is a no-braer: gay sons and lbian dghters aren’t likely to reproduce (unls they get creative). And I would image, on a viable hunch, that even today’s most liberally-md muni, g out of the closet to parents is a much easier thg to do for gay dividuals who have the luxury of monstrably straight siblgs who n rry their own reproductive weight.

In any event, I thk ’s far better for parents to regnize the source of their ncerns about havg a gay child as beg motivated by unnsc geic terts than is to have them fibbg to themselv about beg entirely different to their son or dghter “turng out”, bear this md parents, ’s also important to strs that sce geic succs is weighed evolutnary blogil terms as the relative percentage of one’s gen that rry over to subsequent generatns—rather than simply number of offsprg per se—there are other, though typilly ls profable, ways for your child to ntribute to your overall geic succs than humdm sexual reproductn. Lang, Elton John and Rachel Maddow’s close relativ, but I n only image that the straight k are far better off terms of their own reproductive opportuni than they would be whout a homosexual danglg so magnificently on their fay tre. So here’s my msage: Cultivate your ltle prehomosexual’s native talents and your ultimate geic payoff uld, strangely enough, be even larger wh one very special gay child than would if ten medcre straight offsprg leapt om your ’s one fal thg to note, and that’s reference to the future of this rearch and s real-world applitns.

PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE

” But hdsight is twenty-twenty, and here we’re talkg about the possibily of really, fively, no-doubt-about-, knowg your child is gog to be gay om a very, very early age.

PARENTG A GAY CHILD

I’m not a parent, but I n say as a once-prehomosexual that perhaps some preparatn on the part of others would have ma easier on me, rather than nstantly fearg rejectn or worryg about some sloppy slip-up leadg to my “exposure.

)And another thg: mt be pretty hard to look to your prehomosexual toddler’s limpid ey, bsh away the okie cmbs om her cheek, and kick her out of the hoe for beg gay. The difficult journeyUnrstandg, acknowledgg, and sharg one's sexual orientatn wh the world, is easy for some, while for others the journey is long and out isn't easyGay youth often face their set of challeng after g out about their genr role of parentsAs parents, all you n do is provi them wh love and support. Getty-imag​Word of utnWhile the signs are generally nsired as an ditn, not all boys who play wh dolls are gay or not all girls who like to play rough are lbians.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY

Taylor shar the story of a viral 3-year-old boy who plays wh dolls, lov drsg up as Elsa om Disney's Frozen, and clar that he is gay. Of the llege stunts they surveyed, 26% of self-intified gay and bisexual llege stunts beme aware of their sexual preference llege, 48% high self-intified gay and bisexual men, 20% knew junr high school, and 17% knew gra school.

Wh women, 6% knew junr high school, and 11% knew gra a 3-year-old don't fully unrstand what beg gay means (even the nt admted that he uld change his md  the future), a fay allowg their son to fearlsly be whoever he wants to be om such an early age uld be monumental his formative years. A hefty pile of rearch shows that boys as young as 3 years old who break om tradnal genr rol have a high likelihood of beg gay adults.

PARENT SPECTS THAT CHILD MIGHT BE GAY

The rrelatn is much weaker the other directn: A disproportnate number of boys who don’t nform to genr stereotyp turn out to be gay men, but lots of gay men played wh G. Gay 3-year-old boys n’t verbalize their sire to be wh a man when they grow up—although many such children exhib cshlike behavr toward adult men—but they may be tryg to learn the behavr that will later attract a male partner.

Girls who play wh tcks and boys who play wh dolls) is a good predictor of whether or not a child will turn out to be a practicg homosexual. Berg, who works at Queen's Universy (serly) Belfast, says that not all children who take up the stereotypil behavr of members of the oppose sex will end up wantg to go to bed wh members of the same sex, but is a good this talk of "pre-homosexuals" and "sexed-type behavr" is way too scientific and plited, so we're gog to break down for you.

)No matter what your gay party planner iends tell you, a boy askg for Broadway legend Betty Buckley to perform at his nth birthday party is not mon at dghter sists on sleepg on top of her Dora the Explorer bed spread, not unr your dghter plays "Hoe, " she pretends to be an annoyg doctor wh a pill-addictn and a though 's football, if your son has an obssn wh eher Tom Brady or Mark Sanchez, then he's totally a 'mo. When down to , there is no reliable "Am I Gay tt", so the only way to know that you are gay (fn of gay) is to look wh yourself to terme your own thoughts and feelgs towards others of the same sex.

AT WHAT AGE DO KIDS INTIFY AS GAY?

People who are homosexual are romantilly and physilly attracted to people of the same sex: femal are attracted to other femal; mal are attracted to other mal.

Dpe myths and misnceptns, there is no evince that beg gay is ed by early childhood experienc, parentg styl, or the way someone is raised. Knowg one's sexual orientatn — whether straight or gay — is often somethg that kids or teens regnize wh ltle doubt om a very young age. By middle school, as they enter adolcence, many gay teens already regnize their sexual orientatn, whether or not they have revealed to anyone else.

Those who didn't realize they were gay at first often say that they always felt different om their peers, but didn't exactly know why. But addn, gay and lbian teens often al wh an extra layer of strs — like whether they have to hi who they are, whether they will be harassed about beg gay, or whether they will face stereotyp or judgments if they are hont about who they are. Many gay teens worry about whether they will be accepted or rejected by their loved on, or whether people will feel upset, angry, or disappoted them.