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Someone who uldn’t stay any relatnship bee he was too much of a player. Craftg my perfect ver story, effect. And sce Ao-Latx brothers are viewed by society as always already sexual perils, very few people ever noticed what was wrten between the l my fictn—that Ao-Latx brothers are often sexually <em>imperilled</em>.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Right before I left graduate school and moved to Brooklyn I published my first story, about a Domin boy who go to see another boy, whose face has been eaten off, and on the way he gets sexually asslted. (Serly.) And then one of those sane twists of fortune I h the lerary lottery. From that one story I got an agent, I got a book al, I appeared <em>The New Yorker</em>, I published my first book, “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Drown</a>,” which sold nothg but got me more prs than any young wrer should ever have. Anyone else would have ridn that good-luck wave straight to the sunset, but that wasn’t how played out. I clearly wanted to be known, on some level, had been dyg for a chance at a real face, but when that moment fally arrived I uldn’t do ; I clamped the mask down hard. After “Drown,” I uld have stayed N.Y.C., but I fled to Syrace stead, where the snow never stops and the isolatn was a maw. I stopped wrg altogether.</p><p class="paywall">Entire lerary reers uld have f to the years I didn’t wre. In the meantime I met S⁠—. If Black Is Betiful had a spokperson would have been her; S⁠—, who would have thrown away a thoand years of fay to make work. Didn’t matter; we never were able to have sex. The tsns always h where would hurt the worst. Never knew who I uld have sex wh and who I uldn’t until I tried. S⁠— found someone else, end up marryg him. I moved on to other women. The years passed. I never took off the mask; I never got help.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">And for a while the center held. For a while.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">No one n hi forever. Eventually what ed to hold back the tth don’t work anymore. You n out of p, you n out of exs, you n out of gambs, you n out of luck. Eventually the past fds you.</p><p class="paywall">What happened was that I met someone: Y⁠—. In the novel I published eleven years after “Drown,” I gave my narrator, Yunr, a love supreme named Lola, bee real life I had a love supreme named Y⁠—. She was the femme-matador of my dreams. A state-school girl raised Washgton Heights who worked her ass off, who never ran om a fight, and who uld have danced Ochún out the fuckg room.</p><p class="paywall">We clicked like crazy. Like our anctors were rootg for . I was the Domin nerdo she’d always dreamed about. She actually said this. She didn’t have a clue. I fell to her fay, and she fell to me. And her mother—Ds mío, how the señora loved me. I was the son she never had. And before you uld say “Run” I had created another one of my romance stori, but this one was more elaborate and more sane than any I’d ever spun. We bought an apartment together Harlem. We got engaged Tokyo. We talked about havg children together. Even the wrg started g aga. Negro I’d never met before were proud of our relatnship and told so. Two “succsful” Domins om the hood who loved each other? As rare and as prec as ciguapas.</p><p class="paywall">Of urse, there were signs of trouble. I spent at least six months out of the year prsed and/or high or dnk. We uld have sex but not often—the tsns often jumped , a hellish ck-blockg ménage à trois.</p><p class="paywall">Sex or no sex, I “loved” her more than I had ever loved anyone. I even told her, an unguard moment, that somethg had happened my past.</p><p class="paywall">Somethg bad.</p><p class="paywall">And bee I “loved” her more than I had ever loved anyone, and bee I had revealed to her what I revealed about my past, I cheated on her more than I had ever cheated on anyone.</p><p class="paywall">I cheated on her o un maldo perro.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-6 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">I knew plenty of men who lived double liv. Sh, my father had lived one, to my fay’s everlastg regret. And here I was playg out the patrimonial sty. I had a double life like I was a ic book.</p><p class="paywall">Y⁠— got as much of the real me as I was pable of showg. She lived wh my prsn and my no-wrg fury and wh the rare moments of levy, of clary. The other women saw primarily my mask, right before I ghosted them.</p><p class="paywall">The mask was strong.</p><p class="paywall">But no mask is that strong. No one’s G that perfect. No one’s love that dumb. One day Y⁠— didn’t like an answer I’d given her about where I’d been. I’m sure she’d been havg doubts for a while—pecially after one woman showed up at a readg of me and burst to tears when I said hi. Y⁠— cid to go snoopg through my e-mails, and sce I wasn’t big on passwords or puttg old e-mails the trash took her ls than five mut to fd what she was lookg for.</p><p class="paywall">A heartbreak n take out a world. I know hers did. Took out her world and me.</p><p class="paywall">Another woman might have shot me ad on prciple, but Y⁠— simply prted out all the e-mails between me and all my other girls, all my bullsh sctn attempts, all the photos, had the evince of my betrayals bound, and when I me home om one of my trips hand them to me.</p><p class="paywall">When I realized what she’d given me I blacked out.</p><p class="paywall">Which is what tends to happen when the world ends.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">A few months later, I won the Pulzer Prize for a novel narrated by a Domin brother who los the Domin woman of his dreams bee he n’t stop cheatg on her. When I found out I’d won the prize my first thought wasn’t “I’m ma” but “Maybe now she’ll stay wh me.”</p><p class="paywall">She didn’t. A few months later Y⁠— got her head together and kicked me out of her life pletely. She kept the apartment, the rg, her fay, our iends. I got Boston. We never saw each other aga.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-7 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">When I was a kid, I heard that dosrs were so big that even if they received a killg blow would take a while for their nervo systems to figure out. That was me. After I lost Y⁠— I moved to Cambridge full time, and for the next year or so I tried to “walk off.” For a ltle while I serly thought I was gog to be fe. The mask had explod to agments, but I kept tryg to wear the piec as if nothg had happened. It would have been edic if hadn’t been so tragic. I tried to e sex to fill the hole I’d jt blown through my heart, but didn’t work. Didn’t stop me om tryg.</p><p class="paywall">I lost weeks, I lost months, I lost years (two). And then one day I woke up and lerally uldn’t move om bed. An archipelago of grief was on me, a we-dark sea of pa. In a dnken f I tried to jump om my iend’s rooftop apartment the D.R. He grabbed me before I uld get my foot on a nearby stool and didn’t let go until I stopped shakg.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">In the treatment world, they say that often you have to h rock bottom before you fally seek help. It don’t always work that way, but that sure is how was for me. I had to lose almost everythg and then some. And then some. Before I fally put out my hand.</p><p class="paywall">I was fortunate. I had iends around me ready to step . I had good universy surance. I stumbled upon a great therapist. She had alt wh people like me before, and she dited herself to my healg. It took years—hard, backbreakg years—but she picked up what there was of me. I don’t thk she’d ever met anyone more discled to therapy. I fought every step of the way. But I kept g, and she never gave up. After long stggle and many setbacks, my therapist slowly got me to put asi my mask. Not forever, but long enough for me to breathe, to live. And when I was fally ready to return to that place where I was unma she stood by my si, she held my hand, and never let go.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="pcbh6r"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">I’d always assumed that if I ever returned to that place, that island where I’d been shipwrecked, I would never pe; I’d be dragged down and stroyed. And yet, irony of ironi, what awaed me on that island was not my stctn but nearly the oppose: my salvatn.</p><p class="paywall">Durg that time I wrote very ltle. Mostly I unrled passag my favore books. This le particular I circled at least a dozen tim: “Then darkns took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wanred far on roads that I will not tell.”</p><p class="paywall">And then there was this sectn om my own novel:</p><blockquote class="BlockquoteEmbedWrapper-sc-SdiGL jPeLne paywall blockquote-embed"><div class="BlockquoteEmbedContent-RbGs gmbtPx blockquote-embed__ntent"><p>Before all hope died I ed to have this stupid dream that sh uld be saved, that we would be bed together like the old tim, wh the fan on, the smoke om our weed driftg above , and I’d fally try to say words that uld have saved .</p><p>——— ——— ———.</p><p>But before I n shape the vowels I wake up. My face is wet, and that’s how you know ’s never gog to e te.</p><p>Never, ever.</p></div></blockquote><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">It’s been almost a sce the Fall. I am not who I once was. I’m neher the brother who n’t touch a girl nor the asshole who sleeps around. I’m therapy twice a week. I don’t drk (except Japan, where I let myself have a beer). I don’t hurt people wh my li or my choic, and wherever I n I make amends; I take rponsibily. I’ve e to learn that repair is never-ceasg.</p><p class="paywall">I’m even a relatnship, and she knows everythg about my past. I told her about what happened to me.</p><p class="paywall">I’ve told her, and I’ve told my iends. Even the tought of my boys. I told them all, fuck the nsequenc.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-8 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Somethg I never thought possible.</p><p class="paywall">So much has changed. But some thgs haven’t. There are still tim when the prsn hammers down and months vanish out om unr me, when the suicidal iatn returns. The wrg hasn’t e back, not really. But there are good stretch, and they are startg to outnumber the bad. Every year, I feel ls like the ad, more a part of the livg. The tsns are fewer now, and when they e they don’t throw me pletely. I still have those horrible dreams every now and then, and they are still foul as fuck, but at least I have rourc to al wh them.</p><p class="paywall">And yet—</p><p class="paywall">And yet spe all my healg I still feel that somethg important, somethg val, has elud me. The impulse to hi, to hold myself apart om my lleagu, om my fellow-wrers, om my stunts, om the circle of life has remaed unnnily strong. Durg the public talks I’ve given at universi and nferenc, I’ve sometim mented on the tergeneratnal harm that systemic sexual vlence has flicted on Ain diasporic muni, on my muny. But have I ever actually e out and said that I was the victim of sexual vlence? I’ve said elive thgs here and there but nothg actnable, no five statements.</p><p class="paywall">Over the last weeks, that gnawg sense of somethg undone has only grown, along wh the old fear—the fear that someone might fd out I’d been raped as a child. It’s no cince that I recently began a tour for a children’s book I’ve published and sudnly I’m surround by kids all the time and I’ve had to discs my childhood more than I ever have my life. I’ve found myself tellg li, talkg about a kid that never was. He never checks the locks on the bedroom doors four tim a night, don’t be clean through his tongue. The ver stori are returng. There are even morngs when my face feels stiff.</p><p class="paywall">And then at one of my events, another signg le—this one at the Brattle Theatre, Cambridge—a young woman walked up and started to thank me for my novel, for one of s protagonists, Beli. Beli, the tough-love Domin mother who suffered tastrophic sexual abe throughout her life.</p><p class="paywall">I had a life a lot like Beli’s, the young woman said, and then, whout warng, she choked to tears. She wanted to say more to me, but before she uld she was overwhelmed and fled. I uld have tried to stop her. I uld have lled after her me too me too. I uld have said the words: I was also raped.</p><p class="paywall">But I didn’t have the urage. I turned to the next person le and sed.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-9 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">And you know what? It felt good to be behd the mask. It felt like home.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">I thk about you, X⁠—. I thk about that woman om the Brattle. I thk about silence; I thk about shame, I thk about lonels. I thk about the hurt I ed. I thk of all the years and all the life I lost to the hidg and to the fear and to the pa. The mask got more of me than I ever did. But mostly I thk about what felt like to say the words—to my therapist, all those years ago; to tell my partner, my iends, that I’d been raped. And what feels like to say the words here, where the whole world—and maybe you—might hear.</p><p class="paywall">Toni Morrison wrote, “Anythg ad g back to life hurts.” In Spanish we say that when a child is born is given the light. And that’s what feels like to say the words, X⁠—. Like I’m beg given a send chance at the light.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Last night I had another dream. It wasn’t a bad one. I was young. Jt a boy. No one had hurt me yet. A plane was droppg flyers announcg an upg Jack Veneno match, and all of kids Villa Juana were racg about great excement, gatherg the flyers our arms.</p><p class="paywall">I barely remember that boy anymore, but for a brief moment I am him aga, and he is me. ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="u6bgar"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><footer class="ContentFooterMagazeDisclaimer-gzKAqo iZIuUU" data-ttid="MagazeDisclaimerWrapper">Published the prt edn of the <a href="/magaze/2018/04/16" data-reactroot="">April 16, 2018</a>, issue, wh the headle “The Silence.”</footer></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO giFhKz"><a href="/ntributors/junot-diaz">Junot Díaz</a> was named one of <em>The New Yorker</em>’s “20 Unr 40” 1999 and has regularly ntributed both fictn and nonfictn sce 1995.</div><div class="ContributorBFooter-brqDlv ezUmSv"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div data-ttid="TagCloudWrapper" class="TagCloudWrapper-gGgndx ctyZyK ContentFooterTagCloud-krQmRG ZLGh"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudSectnHear-cOforY iUEiRd bPyAoD kQQRmu">More:</span><a href="/tag/sexual-abe" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Sexual Abe</span></a><a href="/tag/child-abe" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Child Abe</span></a><a href="/tag/children" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Children</span></a><a href="/tag/wrers" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Wrers</span></a><a href="/tag/novels" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM 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summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href="/magaze/2012/07/23/the-cheaters-gui-to-love" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Cheater’s Gui to Love" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Fictn</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="/magaze/2012/07/23/the-cheaters-gui-to-love" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Cheater’s Gui to Love</div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Junot Díaz</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--article summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href="/books/page-turner/mfa-vs-poc" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="MFA vs. POC" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Page-Turner</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="/books/page-turner/mfa-vs-poc" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">MFA vs. POC</div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Junot Díaz</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--evio summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 720w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 480w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fsJGML summary-em__bric summary-em__seri-lk"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fgWnkQ bric__lk" href="/vio/seri/the-new-yorker-terview"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">The New Yorker Interview wh David Remnick</span></a></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 720w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 480w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k summary-em__k--isCneVio">David Remnick speaks wh Gladwell about g theory to unrstand plex phenomena, and how that unrstandg n change.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="All of the Near-Death Experienc I’ve Had This Week" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Daily Shouts</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">All of the Near-Death Experienc I’ve Had This Week</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="All of the Near-Death Experienc I’ve Had This Week" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">I got on an F tra and noticed that I had the same Baggu tote as the girl across om me. My heart nearly gave out upon realizg that I may be basic.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jenny Arimoto</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY ad ad--read-more"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--read-more" data-no-id="88ig9h"></div></div></div><div class="SummaryCollectnGridToActnWrapper-gnReGN eGayfk"></div></div></div></div></div></div><div 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Copy lk to rtoon</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178637)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.3488 10.5017C16.2107 10.7357 16.2926 11.035 16.5318 11.17C16.7709 11.3052 17.0767 11.225 17.2148 10.991L18.4648 8.87225C19.5694 7.00002 18.9139 4.60601 17.0007 3.52508C15.0875 2.44415 12.6412 3.08562 11.5366 4.95785L9.53657 8.34782C8.432 10.22 9.08751 12.6141 11.0007 13.6949C11.1888 13.8012 11.382 13.8908 11.5785 13.9642C11.7819 14.0403 12.0058 13.9485 12.1147 13.764C12.2794 13.4849 12.1103 13.1276 11.8083 12.9992C11.7041 12.9549 11.6014 12.9044 11.5007 12.8475C10.0658 12.0368 9.57417 10.2413 10.4026 8.83712L12.4026 5.44715C13.2311 4.04298 15.0658 3.56187 16.5007 4.37257C17.9356 5.18327 18.4272 6.97878 17.5988 8.38295L16.3488 10.5017ZM7.6526 13.4983C7.79067 13.2643 7.70873 12.965 7.46959 12.8299C7.23044 12.6948 6.92464 12.775 6.78657 13.009L5.53657 15.1278C4.432 17 5.0875 19.394 7.00068 20.475C8.91385 21.5558 11.3602 20.9144 12.4648 19.0422L14.4648 15.6521C15.5694 13.78 14.9139 11.3859 13.0007 10.305C12.8127 10.1988 12.6195 10.1091 12.4229 10.0357C12.2195 9.95975 11.9956 10.0515 11.8867 10.236C11.7221 10.5151 11.8911 10.8724 12.1932 11.0008C12.2973 11.0451 12.4 11.0956 12.5007 11.1525C13.9356 11.9632 14.4272 13.7587 13.5988 15.1628L11.5988 18.5529C10.7704 19.957 8.93555 20.4382 7.50068 19.6274C6.0658 18.8167 5.57417 17.0212 6.4026 15.6171L7.6526 13.4983Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178637"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button><div class="AlertWrapper-gvFATk MdjE RponsiveCartoonLkAlertPopup-BPAXn kdMXRM shoppg-alert" role="dialog"><div aria-hidn="te" role="prentatn" class="AlertArrow-daOgye AlLda alert-arrow"></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm ifgabc iOlxjf alert-msage"><p aria-hidn="te">Lk pied</p></div></div></div><button aria-label="Shop" class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ bqVKKv YsOBB button button--primary-pair RponsiveCartoonInButton-hBCBMq lpsjql" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Shop</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="in in-rt" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Shop</tle><g clip-path="url(#clip0_3732_178638)"><path fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M4 3H2V4H4.23828L6.99617 15.2631C7.11483 15.6982 7.50998 16 7.96094 16H18.0365C18.4875 16 18.8826 15.6982 19.0013 15.2631L20.9648 7.26312C21.1383 6.62698 20.6594 6 20 6H10V7H20L18.0365 15H7.96094L5.03652 3H4.58055H4ZM10.0365 19C10.0365 19.5523 9.58881 20 9.03652 20C8.48424 20 8.03652 19.5523 8.03652 19C8.03652 18.4477 8.48424 18 9.03652 18C9.58881 18 10.0365 18.4477 10.0365 19ZM11.0365 19C11.0365 20.1046 10.1411 21 9.03652 21C7.93195 21 7.03652 20.1046 7.03652 19C7.03652 17.8954 7.93195 17 9.03652 17C10.1411 17 11.0365 17.8954 11.0365 19ZM18.0365 19C18.0365 19.5523 17.5888 20 17.0365 20C16.4842 20 16.0365 19.5523 16.0365 19C16.0365 18.4477 16.4842 18 17.0365 18C17.5888 18 18.0365 18.4477 18.0365 19ZM19.0365 19C19.0365 20.1046 18.1411 21 17.0365 21C15.932 21 15.0365 20.1046 15.0365 19C15.0365 17.8954 15.932 17 17.0365 17C18.1411 17 19.0365 17.8954 19.0365 19Z" fill="black"></path></g><fs><clipPath id="clip0_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath><clipPath id="clip1_3732_178638"><rect width="24" height="24" fill="whe"></rect></clipPath></fs></svg></div></button></div></div></div></span></div></figure><p class="paywall">Somehow I was still wrg—about a young Domin man who, unlike me, had been only a ltle molted. Someone who uldn’t stay any relatnship bee he was too much of a player. Craftg my perfect ver story, effect. And sce Ao-Latx brothers are viewed by society as always already sexual perils, very few people ever noticed what was wrten between the l my fictn—that Ao-Latx brothers are often sexually <em>imperilled</em>.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Right before I left graduate school and moved to Brooklyn I published my first story, about a Domin boy who go to see another boy, whose face has been eaten off, and on the way he gets sexually asslted. (Serly.) And then one of those sane twists of fortune I h the lerary lottery. From that one story I got an agent, I got a book al, I appeared <em>The New Yorker</em>, I published my first book, “<a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Drown</a>,” which sold nothg but got me more prs than any young wrer should ever have. Anyone else would have ridn that good-luck wave straight to the sunset, but that wasn’t how played out. I clearly wanted to be known, on some level, had been dyg for a chance at a real face, but when that moment fally arrived I uldn’t do ; I clamped the mask down hard. After “Drown,” I uld have stayed N.Y.C., but I fled to Syrace stead, where the snow never stops and the isolatn was a maw. I stopped wrg altogether.</p><p class="paywall">Entire lerary reers uld have f to the years I didn’t wre. In the meantime I met S⁠—. If Black Is Betiful had a spokperson would have been her; S⁠—, who would have thrown away a thoand years of fay to make work. Didn’t matter; we never were able to have sex. The tsns always h where would hurt the worst. Never knew who I uld have sex wh and who I uldn’t until I tried. S⁠— found someone else, end up marryg him. I moved on to other women. The years passed. I never took off the mask; I never got help.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-5 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">And for a while the center held. For a while.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">No one n hi forever. Eventually what ed to hold back the tth don’t work anymore. You n out of p, you n out of exs, you n out of gambs, you n out of luck. Eventually the past fds you.</p><p class="paywall">What happened was that I met someone: Y⁠—. In the novel I published eleven years after “Drown,” I gave my narrator, Yunr, a love supreme named Lola, bee real life I had a love supreme named Y⁠—. She was the femme-matador of my dreams. A state-school girl raised Washgton Heights who worked her ass off, who never ran om a fight, and who uld have danced Ochún out the fuckg room.</p><p class="paywall">We clicked like crazy. Like our anctors were rootg for . I was the Domin nerdo she’d always dreamed about. She actually said this. She didn’t have a clue. I fell to her fay, and she fell to me. And her mother—Ds mío, how the señora loved me. I was the son she never had. And before you uld say “Run” I had created another one of my romance stori, but this one was more elaborate and more sane than any I’d ever spun. We bought an apartment together Harlem. We got engaged Tokyo. We talked about havg children together. Even the wrg started g aga. Negro I’d never met before were proud of our relatnship and told so. Two “succsful” Domins om the hood who loved each other? As rare and as prec as ciguapas.</p><p class="paywall">Of urse, there were signs of trouble. I spent at least six months out of the year prsed and/or high or dnk. We uld have sex but not often—the tsns often jumped , a hellish ck-blockg ménage à trois.</p><p class="paywall">Sex or no sex, I “loved” her more than I had ever loved anyone. I even told her, an unguard moment, that somethg had happened my past.</p><p class="paywall">Somethg bad.</p><p class="paywall">And bee I “loved” her more than I had ever loved anyone, and bee I had revealed to her what I revealed about my past, I cheated on her more than I had ever cheated on anyone.</p><p class="paywall">I cheated on her o un maldo perro.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-6 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">I knew plenty of men who lived double liv. Sh, my father had lived one, to my fay’s everlastg regret. And here I was playg out the patrimonial sty. I had a double life like I was a ic book.</p><p class="paywall">Y⁠— got as much of the real me as I was pable of showg. She lived wh my prsn and my no-wrg fury and wh the rare moments of levy, of clary. The other women saw primarily my mask, right before I ghosted them.</p><p class="paywall">The mask was strong.</p><p class="paywall">But no mask is that strong. No one’s G that perfect. No one’s love that dumb. One day Y⁠— didn’t like an answer I’d given her about where I’d been. I’m sure she’d been havg doubts for a while—pecially after one woman showed up at a readg of me and burst to tears when I said hi. Y⁠— cid to go snoopg through my e-mails, and sce I wasn’t big on passwords or puttg old e-mails the trash took her ls than five mut to fd what she was lookg for.</p><p class="paywall">A heartbreak n take out a world. I know hers did. Took out her world and me.</p><p class="paywall">Another woman might have shot me ad on prciple, but Y⁠— simply prted out all the e-mails between me and all my other girls, all my bullsh sctn attempts, all the photos, had the evince of my betrayals bound, and when I me home om one of my trips hand them to me.</p><p class="paywall">When I realized what she’d given me I blacked out.</p><p class="paywall">Which is what tends to happen when the world ends.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">A few months later, I won the Pulzer Prize for a novel narrated by a Domin brother who los the Domin woman of his dreams bee he n’t stop cheatg on her. When I found out I’d won the prize my first thought wasn’t “I’m ma” but “Maybe now she’ll stay wh me.”</p><p class="paywall">She didn’t. A few months later Y⁠— got her head together and kicked me out of her life pletely. She kept the apartment, the rg, her fay, our iends. I got Boston. We never saw each other aga.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-7 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">When I was a kid, I heard that dosrs were so big that even if they received a killg blow would take a while for their nervo systems to figure out. That was me. After I lost Y⁠— I moved to Cambridge full time, and for the next year or so I tried to “walk off.” For a ltle while I serly thought I was gog to be fe. The mask had explod to agments, but I kept tryg to wear the piec as if nothg had happened. It would have been edic if hadn’t been so tragic. I tried to e sex to fill the hole I’d jt blown through my heart, but didn’t work. Didn’t stop me om tryg.</p><p class="paywall">I lost weeks, I lost months, I lost years (two). And then one day I woke up and lerally uldn’t move om bed. An archipelago of grief was on me, a we-dark sea of pa. In a dnken f I tried to jump om my iend’s rooftop apartment the D.R. He grabbed me before I uld get my foot on a nearby stool and didn’t let go until I stopped shakg.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">In the treatment world, they say that often you have to h rock bottom before you fally seek help. It don’t always work that way, but that sure is how was for me. I had to lose almost everythg and then some. And then some. Before I fally put out my hand.</p><p class="paywall">I was fortunate. I had iends around me ready to step . I had good universy surance. I stumbled upon a great therapist. She had alt wh people like me before, and she dited herself to my healg. It took years—hard, backbreakg years—but she picked up what there was of me. I don’t thk she’d ever met anyone more discled to therapy. I fought every step of the way. But I kept g, and she never gave up. After long stggle and many setbacks, my therapist slowly got me to put asi my mask. Not forever, but long enough for me to breathe, to live. And when I was fally ready to return to that place where I was unma she stood by my si, she held my hand, and never let go.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="pcbh6r"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bDyAMU body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p class="paywall">I’d always assumed that if I ever returned to that place, that island where I’d been shipwrecked, I would never pe; I’d be dragged down and stroyed. And yet, irony of ironi, what awaed me on that island was not my stctn but nearly the oppose: my salvatn.</p><p class="paywall">Durg that time I wrote very ltle. Mostly I unrled passag my favore books. This le particular I circled at least a dozen tim: “Then darkns took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wanred far on roads that I will not tell.”</p><p class="paywall">And then there was this sectn om my own novel:</p><blockquote class="BlockquoteEmbedWrapper-sc-SdiGL jPeLne paywall blockquote-embed"><div class="BlockquoteEmbedContent-RbGs gmbtPx blockquote-embed__ntent"><p>Before all hope died I ed to have this stupid dream that sh uld be saved, that we would be bed together like the old tim, wh the fan on, the smoke om our weed driftg above , and I’d fally try to say words that uld have saved .</p><p>——— ——— ———.</p><p>But before I n shape the vowels I wake up. My face is wet, and that’s how you know ’s never gog to e te.</p><p>Never, ever.</p></div></blockquote><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">It’s been almost a sce the Fall. I am not who I once was. I’m neher the brother who n’t touch a girl nor the asshole who sleeps around. I’m therapy twice a week. I don’t drk (except Japan, where I let myself have a beer). I don’t hurt people wh my li or my choic, and wherever I n I make amends; I take rponsibily. I’ve e to learn that repair is never-ceasg.</p><p class="paywall">I’m even a relatnship, and she knows everythg about my past. I told her about what happened to me.</p><p class="paywall">I’ve told her, and I’ve told my iends. Even the tought of my boys. I told them all, fuck the nsequenc.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-8 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">Somethg I never thought possible.</p><p class="paywall">So much has changed. But some thgs haven’t. There are still tim when the prsn hammers down and months vanish out om unr me, when the suicidal iatn returns. The wrg hasn’t e back, not really. But there are good stretch, and they are startg to outnumber the bad. Every year, I feel ls like the ad, more a part of the livg. The tsns are fewer now, and when they e they don’t throw me pletely. I still have those horrible dreams every now and then, and they are still foul as fuck, but at least I have rourc to al wh them.</p><p class="paywall">And yet—</p><p class="paywall">And yet spe all my healg I still feel that somethg important, somethg val, has elud me. The impulse to hi, to hold myself apart om my lleagu, om my fellow-wrers, om my stunts, om the circle of life has remaed unnnily strong. Durg the public talks I’ve given at universi and nferenc, I’ve sometim mented on the tergeneratnal harm that systemic sexual vlence has flicted on Ain diasporic muni, on my muny. But have I ever actually e out and said that I was the victim of sexual vlence? I’ve said elive thgs here and there but nothg actnable, no five statements.</p><p class="paywall">Over the last weeks, that gnawg sense of somethg undone has only grown, along wh the old fear—the fear that someone might fd out I’d been raped as a child. It’s no cince that I recently began a tour for a children’s book I’ve published and sudnly I’m surround by kids all the time and I’ve had to discs my childhood more than I ever have my life. I’ve found myself tellg li, talkg about a kid that never was. He never checks the locks on the bedroom doors four tim a night, don’t be clean through his tongue. The ver stori are returng. There are even morngs when my face feels stiff.</p><p class="paywall">And then at one of my events, another signg le—this one at the Brattle Theatre, Cambridge—a young woman walked up and started to thank me for my novel, for one of s protagonists, Beli. Beli, the tough-love Domin mother who suffered tastrophic sexual abe throughout her life.</p><p class="paywall">I had a life a lot like Beli’s, the young woman said, and then, whout warng, she choked to tears. She wanted to say more to me, but before she uld she was overwhelmed and fled. I uld have tried to stop her. I uld have lled after her me too me too. I uld have said the words: I was also raped.</p><p class="paywall">But I didn’t have the urage. I turned to the next person le and sed.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-9 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p class="paywall">And you know what? It felt good to be behd the mask. It felt like home.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">I thk about you, X⁠—. I thk about that woman om the Brattle. I thk about silence; I thk about shame, I thk about lonels. I thk about the hurt I ed. I thk of all the years and all the life I lost to the hidg and to the fear and to the pa. The mask got more of me than I ever did. But mostly I thk about what felt like to say the words—to my therapist, all those years ago; to tell my partner, my iends, that I’d been raped. And what feels like to say the words here, where the whole world—and maybe you—might hear.</p><p class="paywall">Toni Morrison wrote, “Anythg ad g back to life hurts.” In Spanish we say that when a child is born is given the light. And that’s what feels like to say the words, X⁠—. Like I’m beg given a send chance at the light.</p><p class="has-dropp has-dropp__lead-standard-headg paywall">Last night I had another dream. It wasn’t a bad one. I was young. Jt a boy. No one had hurt me yet. A plane was droppg flyers announcg an upg Jack Veneno match, and all of kids Villa Juana were racg about great excement, gatherg the flyers our arms.</p><p class="paywall">I barely remember that boy anymore, but for a brief moment I am him aga, and he is me. ♦</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="u6bgar"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"><asi class="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper-iBnuqk lfXXa-D" data-ttid="PaywallInleBarrierWrapper"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--paywall-le-barrier" role="prentatn" aria-live="pole" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--paywall-le-barrier"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></asi></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ContentWrapperGrid-fvkmBv brYtrA grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__ntaer"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div class="ntaer--body-ner"></div></div></div></div></div></div></article><div class="ContentFooterWrapper-jVNdRG dTJkpP ArticlePageContentFooterGrid-ccsXYy eMZRHU article-body__footer"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><footer class="ContentFooterMagazeDisclaimer-gzKAqo iZIuUU" data-ttid="MagazeDisclaimerWrapper">Published the prt edn of the <a href="/magaze/2018/04/16" data-reactroot="">April 16, 2018</a>, issue, wh the headle “The Silence.”</footer></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="ContributorsWrapper-eNpWFu GWFsc ntributors" data-ttid="Contributors"><div class="ContributorBWrapper-bnVHbt gMon"><div class="ContributorBContent-ubQdr jZTSSi"><div class="ContributorBHear-ledood XOIEx"></div><div class="ContributorBB-fBolsO giFhKz"><a href="/ntributors/junot-diaz">Junot Díaz</a> was named one of <em>The New Yorker</em>’s “20 Unr 40” 1999 and has regularly ntributed both fictn and nonfictn sce 1995.</div><div class="ContributorBFooter-brqDlv ezUmSv"></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div data-ttid="TagCloudWrapper" class="TagCloudWrapper-gGgndx ctyZyK ContentFooterTagCloud-krQmRG ZLGh"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudSectnHear-cOforY iUEiRd bPyAoD kQQRmu">More:</span><a href="/tag/sexual-abe" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Sexual Abe</span></a><a href="/tag/child-abe" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Child Abe</span></a><a href="/tag/children" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Children</span></a><a href="/tag/wrers" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Wrers</span></a><a href="/tag/novels" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Novels</span></a><a href="/tag/rape" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Rape</span></a><a href="/tag/trma" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Trma</span></a><a href="/tag/masks" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM TagCloudLk-kvjZFu iUEiRd ggMZaT gFob hIhJOI"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ TagCloudName-eAUnLd iUEiRd gwIVBQ bUkXwu">Masks</span></a></div></div></div></div><div data-ttid="ContentFooterBottom" class="ContentFooterBottom-jwWZfC kcbyiW"><div class="ContentFooterNewsletterContentWrapper-bmjtna 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summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href="/magaze/2012/07/23/the-cheaters-gui-to-love" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="The Cheater’s Gui to Love" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Fictn</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="/magaze/2012/07/23/the-cheaters-gui-to-love" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">The Cheater’s Gui to Love</div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Junot Díaz</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--article summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href="/books/page-turner/mfa-vs-poc" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="MFA vs. POC" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fYiFyD summary-em__bric"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Page-Turner</span></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-2" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href="/books/page-turner/mfa-vs-poc" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">MFA vs. POC</div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Junot Díaz</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--evio summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only 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srcSet=" 480w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl bcywvc summary-em__ntent"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kImuKS bric bric--disvery SummaryItemRubric-dguGKN fsJGML summary-em__bric summary-em__seri-lk"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fgWnkQ bric__lk" href="/vio/seri/the-new-yorker-terview"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">The New Yorker Interview wh David Remnick</span></a></div><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM cZPaWG summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 720w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 480w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Mallm Gladwell on School Shooters and Police Bias" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k summary-em__k--isCneVio">David Remnick speaks wh Gladwell about g theory to unrstand plex phenomena, and how that unrstandg n change.</div></div></div><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff ewgXAt summary-em summary-em--ARTICLE summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-text-below-sktop-only summary-em--layout-posn-image-right summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR 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data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div class="SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ iIjKeM summary-em__hed" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">All of the Near-Death Experienc I’ve Had This Week</div></a><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb USLvL summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-4" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jMoLpX"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="All of the Near-Death Experienc I’ve Had This Week" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ SummaryItemDek-CRfsi iUEiRd jxOIpm cPtisA summary-em__k">I got on an F tra and noticed that I had the same Baggu tote as the girl across om me. My heart nearly gave out upon realizg that I may be basic.</div><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY cgDBtc summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH dSEWiO byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd jslZfG gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Jenny Arimoto</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ SummaryCollectnGridSummaryItem-WColm kdEfwY ad ad--read-more"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--read-more" data-no-id="88ig9h"></div></div></div><div class="SummaryCollectnGridToActnWrapper-gnReGN eGayfk"></div></div></div></div></div></div><div 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