'Return the key': the parents who reject their gay children | Society | The Guardian

Contents:

• ‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’
• HOW N I PE WH MY FAY NOT ACCEPTG ME AS BEG GAY?
• THE HOOK UP: MY MOM REF TO ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• MY FAY CANNOT ACCEPT THAT I AM GAYI TOLD MY MUM I WAS GAY WHEN I WAS 16 AND HER REACTN WAS “DON’T TELL YOUR DAD”. I WAS REALLY SURPRISED; I HONTLY THOUGHT SHE MIGHT ALREADY SPECT AND BE FE WH . I TOLD DAD A YEAR LATER AND, NOT KNOWG I’D ALREADY TOLD MUM, HE SAID ‘IT’LL KILL HER”. FOR ME; WAS A RELIEF TO GET THGS THE OPEN, BUT FOR MONTHS AFTERWARDS, WAS AS IF SOMEONE HAD DIED. I FELT REALLY GUILTY – NO ONE WANTS TO HURT THEIR PARENTS. BUT THE WORST REACTN WAS MY SISTER’S. SHE SAID WAS DISGTG.  I AM NOW 33 AND LIVG WH MY PARTNER, I ASSUME MY PARENTS ARE OKAY WH THIS AND LIKE HIM, BUT WE’VE NOT HAD A SGLE NVERSATN ABOUT . MY SISTER’S GETTG MARRIED THIS YEAR, AND THERE’S BEEN NO MENTN OF MY PARTNER OF THREE YEARS BEG VED. MY PARENTS HAVEN’T PROTTED OR EVEN MENTNED THIS. I DON’T WANT TO NOT GO, BUT I FEEL DISLOYAL TO HIM, AND TO MYSELF A WAY, IF I GO WHOUT HIM. IN THE LONG TERM I THK ‘WHAT DO MATTER?’ BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I ALSO THK THE TENSN BETWEEN ME AND MY FAY MAY NEVER GO. CALUM, BOROUGHMICHAELA SAYS
• 'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN
• HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

‘MY PARENTS STILL WON’T ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY!’

Livg wh homophobic parents n be a paful and difficult suatn. Whether you are gay yourself, have a close loved one or iend who is, or jt support the LGBT movement general, alg wh tolerance is tough. If your parents have said or done homophobic thgs the past, you might try to ga an unrstandg of their viewpots and work to change them.

You may have heard your parents make homophobic ments before, but maybe you don't really unrstand why they feel the way they do. Start a dialogue wh them about their feelgs about gay people and e active listeng skills to tly hear their si of thgs.

Your parents may try to shg off when you ask "Why are you agast gay people? In some s, this might perta to their relig beliefs, but you might also unver a eper, or more personal reason that they are agast gay people. If your parents are relig, they may have learned that homosexual relatnships, beg transgenr, or beg nonbary are wrong.

HOW N I PE WH MY FAY NOT ACCEPTG ME AS BEG GAY?

They may stggle to accept that homosexualy is natural and part of who you are. They may even have a change of heart and stop beg so homophobic.

Even if your parents rema homophobic to some gree, they may soften up over time to mata a relatnship wh you. Also, if your parents are extremely homophobic, you may need to take preutns to protect your own emotnal well-beg and ensure you will still have a home and fancial support spe their beliefs. Article SummaryXDealg wh homophobic parents n be a challenge but try to listen to their views whout argug so you n unrstand their posn.

If you’re gay yourself, make clear that you’re not askg for your parents’ permissn, sce you didn’t choose your sexualy. "I'm an openly gay teen who has stggled wh prsn and suicidal thoughts.

THE HOOK UP: MY MOM REF TO ACCEPT THAT I’M GAY

My parents found out I was gay almost three years ago.

Your beg gay, Normal Son, chang your parents’ story, and this plot twist terrifi them precisely bee they want you to be happy. Perhaps they thk that beg gay means that you’ll face prejudice and hatred — and sadly, bee homophobic people are out there, they may be right. Maybe they thk that beg gay means you’ll get AIDS — and while sounds like you know all about safe sex, they’re right that you may be at higher risk than a straight man.

Maybe they also worry about thgs that have no bearg realy – that you’ll go to Hell or that somebody is “turng you” gay – but the end, they worry that your life will be harr as a gay man than as a straight one. No matter how many tim you expla that your happs li beg who you are – a gay man – worrisome scenars swirl their mds and they bee nsumed wh anxiety about your future. Given how misrmed they seem about what means to be gay, I’m gusg that their muny of iends will also have a reactn to their havg a gay son, and that they will be ma to feel ashamed some way.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

‘My Parents Still Won’t Accept That I’m Gay! How n I pe wh my fay not acceptg me as beg gay? The important thg is that you accept who you are; others will followIf your fay don't accept you beg gay you shouldn't let beat you up.

If you're fortable, you uld talk to your parents about this, and gently tell them that is okay to be gay. Parents need to learn that not acceptg their children beg gay is not acceptg their children for who they are. Some people nnot accept other people when they nfs that they are gay.

MY FAY CANNOT ACCEPT THAT I AM GAYI TOLD MY MUM I WAS GAY WHEN I WAS 16 AND HER REACTN WAS “DON’T TELL YOUR DAD”. I WAS REALLY SURPRISED; I HONTLY THOUGHT SHE MIGHT ALREADY SPECT AND BE FE WH . I TOLD DAD A YEAR LATER AND, NOT KNOWG I’D ALREADY TOLD MUM, HE SAID ‘IT’LL KILL HER”. FOR ME; WAS A RELIEF TO GET THGS THE OPEN, BUT FOR MONTHS AFTERWARDS, WAS AS IF SOMEONE HAD DIED. I FELT REALLY GUILTY – NO ONE WANTS TO HURT THEIR PARENTS. BUT THE WORST REACTN WAS MY SISTER’S. SHE SAID WAS DISGTG.  I AM NOW 33 AND LIVG WH MY PARTNER, I ASSUME MY PARENTS ARE OKAY WH THIS AND LIKE HIM, BUT WE’VE NOT HAD A SGLE NVERSATN ABOUT . MY SISTER’S GETTG MARRIED THIS YEAR, AND THERE’S BEEN NO MENTN OF MY PARTNER OF THREE YEARS BEG VED. MY PARENTS HAVEN’T PROTTED OR EVEN MENTNED THIS. I DON’T WANT TO NOT GO, BUT I FEEL DISLOYAL TO HIM, AND TO MYSELF A WAY, IF I GO WHOUT HIM. IN THE LONG TERM I THK ‘WHAT DO MATTER?’ BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I ALSO THK THE TENSN BETWEEN ME AND MY FAY MAY NEVER GO. CALUM, BOROUGHMICHAELA SAYS

Keep md that your fay might not accept now, but they might accept later 's difficult for fai to accept a person's homosexualy however 's really normal to be a gay. ' 'This is how beg gay has impacted my life. I would say my experience that the ial rejectn a lot of parents e to is bee of fear and ignorance about what means to be gay, what means to be trans, what means to be different om their parent this re aspect of their inty.

I e om a very relig Christian fay, so g out wasn’t exactly the easit task, and I thought that if I told my parents I was bisexual, rather than 100% gay, that they would be a ltle more acceptg of me, but boy was I wrong!

She and some of the other people my church kept shovg all of the stereotypil “gay people go to Hell” and “God don’t make people gay” speech down my throat, and put me a really bad place for a long time. The only thg I got out of that experience was the realizatn that I am, ed, 100% gay, and I feel like if I don’t get my parents-specifilly my mom-to accept me as I am, then I’m gog to live the rt of my life alone. It’s hard enough to be and love who you are when the people around you wish you were somebody else, that they uld change you, or that they n “pray away the gay.

'RETURN THE KEY': THE PARENTS WHO REJECT THEIR GAY CHILDREN

Many of the straight parents I terviewed for When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know exprsed havg felt disappotment learng that their child was LGBT. Would he be fired at his job if his supervisors found out that he were gay?

Would he have to live a gay-iendly neighborhood? Natalie, 63, a mother om Long Island, found out that two of her three children were gay.

" Natalie felt that was a loss to the fay geic pool and kept wonrg if beg gay was a choice. Richard Ogawa of Seattle figured out he was gay llege.

HOW TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY

Richard told me, "Perhaps if every parent toyed wh the possibily that any of their children uld be gay, would change the way they raise their children. Gay children are no different—so ltle of their sexual orientatn has to do wh who they are as a whole.

"It is rare to work wh parents of a gay child who have not stggled wh the feelg of loss at some pot the procs of acceptg their child as gay, " my -thor, Jonathan Tobk, M. Parents feel sad that their gay child has lost the possibily of havg a life whout signifint difficulty. " Yet Tobk has found that "gay people tell you they are happy wh who they are and feel that they have emerged on the other si of g out as strong, sensive, and rilient dividuals.

Havg a gay child is not a loss of a child altogether. I [53M] n't accept that my son [21M] is gay. My 21 year old son jt me out as gay to his mother and I.