The Love Love Love: 16. GAY HUSBAND RUTHIE LINDSEY AND JEDIDIAH JENKINS

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* IS JEDIDIAH JENKINS GAY

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ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-normal--s54Wf ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__body4--Pl3xY">Other</div></button></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="post-hear"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt post-label"><a href=" class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-14--Ume6q ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-medium--x7khA ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-meta--U_nxy ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__transform-upperse--IDkUL ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__meta--jzHdd">Stud Viss</a></div><h1 class="post-tle unpublished">Interview: On Shakg the Sleepg Self </h1><h3 class="subtle">wh Jedidiah Jenks</h3><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-bottom-16--KVxKv"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-y-16--ohCEm"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-jtify-start--_8fEd ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-align-center--rSd6h ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-12--rODKq"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flexGrow--mx4xz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt 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this post</div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-32--uRr14 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-x-24--ViY5j ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-top-32--hE9Ly ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-bottom-48--OND"><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-8--wF5Sz ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-tail--MiH57 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__borr-radi-12--AmQy9 social-preview-box post"><div class="social-image-box"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" /><img src=" siz="100vw" alt loadg="lazy" width="120" class="ontend-ponents-rponsive_img-module__img--Pgjj2 social-image" /></picture></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-directn-lumn--Rq7pk ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-y-8--exiCC ontend-pencraft-Box-module__paddg-left-12--eE6bp"><h4 class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-16--fFowu ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-bold--Ps9DB ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-primary--ud4Z0 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__hear4--hH3cg">Interview: On Shakg the Sleepg Self </h4><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-14--Ume6q ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-normal--s54Wf ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__body4--Pl3xY"></div></div></div><div class="pencraft 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share-actn"><div class="actn-in"><svg role="img" width="100" height="100" viewBox="0 0 100 100" fill="none" stroke-width="1.8" stroke="#000" xmlns="><g><tle></tle><circle cx="23" cy="50" r="9"></circle><circle cx="50" cy="50" r="9"></circle><circle cx="77" cy="50" r="9"></circle></g></svg></div><div translated class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__size-14--Ume6q ontend-pencraft-Text-module__le-height-20--p0dP8 ontend-pencraft-Text-module__weight-normal--s54Wf ontend-pencraft-Text-module__font-text--QmNJR ontend-pencraft-Text-module__lor-sendary--WRADg ontend-pencraft-Text-module__ret--dW0zZ ontend-pencraft-Text-module__body4--Pl3xY">Other</div></button></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div><a role="button" href=" class="post-ufi-button style-button post-ufi-ment-button has-label wh-borr"><svg role="img" style="height: 20px; width: 20px;" width="20" height="20" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="#000000" stroke-width="2" stroke="#000" xmlns=" class="in"><g><tle></tle><svg xmlns=" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-msage-circle"><path d="m3 21 1.9-5.7a8.5 8.5 0 1 1 3.8 3.8z"></path></svg></g></svg><div class="label">3</div></a></div><div class="pencraft ontend-pencraft-Box-module__ret--VfQY8 ontend-pencraft-Box-module__display-flex--ZqeZt ontend-pencraft-Box-module__flex-gap-8--HFpIK"><a role="button" href="javascript:void(0)" class="post-ufi-button style-button no-in has-label wh-borr"><div class="label">Share</div></a></div></div></div></div><div class="visibily-check"></div><div class class><div class="available-ntent"><div dir="to" class="body markup"><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="1456" height="709" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" fetchprry="high" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><h3 class="hear-wh-anchor-widget">On Shakg the Sleepg Self<div id="§on-shakg-the-sleepg-self" class="hear-anchor-widget offset-top"><div class="hear-anchor-widget-button-ntaer"><div href=" class="hear-anchor-widget-button"><svg xmlns=" width="20" height="20" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="currentColor" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="hear-anchor-widget-in"><path d="M10 13a5 5 0 0 0 7.54.54l3-3a5 5 0 0 0-7.07-7.07l-1.72 1.71"></path><path d="M14 11a5 5 0 0 0-7.54-.54l-3 3a5 5 0 0 0 7.07 7.07l1.71-1.71"></path></svg></div></div></div></h3><p>Many people dream about leavg their jobs to travel the world, but Jedidiah Jenks is one of the few to turn that dream to a realy. Fdg himself dissatisfied wh his day-to-day life and eager to make a stronger nnectn wh the natural world, Jed upend everythg and embarked on a sixteen-month, 10,000-e bicycle trip that took him om Oregon to Patagonia. </p><p><span>This experience is the subject of Jed's btsellg memoir </span><em>To Shake the Sleepg Self</em><span>. In early Febary 2021, he published his send book, an say llectn lled </span><em>Like Streams to the Ocean</em><span>. It’s full of profound reflectns on topics like ego and love and the thgs that make who we are. </span></p><p>Jed is brilliant and hilar, and what an honor was to host him for a Stud Vis. This terview is excerpted om our nversatn and eded for clary.</p><p><em><span>You n </span><a href=" rel>watch a replay of the Stud Vis wh Jedidiah Jenks here</a><span>.</span></em></p><div><hr /></div><div class="ptned-image-ntaer"><figure><a class="image-lk is-viewable-img image2" target="_blank" href=" data-ponent-name="Image2ToDOM" rel><div class="image2-set"><picture><source type="image/webp" srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /><img src=" width="902" height="756" data-attrs="{"src":"" class="sizg-normal" alt srcset=" 424w, 848w, 1272w, 1456w" siz="100vw" /></picture><div class="image-lk-expand"><svg xmlns=" width="16" height="16" viewBox="0 0 24 24" fill="none" stroke="#FFFFFF" stroke-width="2" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" class="luci luci-maximize2"><polyle pots="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyle><polyle pots="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyle><le x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></le><le x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></le></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p><strong>Suleika Jaouad: Jed, I’m really terted your path to beg a wrer. I know your parents are wrers. Their five-year walk across Ameri was featured on the ver of </strong><em><strong>Natnal Geographic</strong></em><strong>, and they documented that adventure their btsellg books, </strong><em><strong>A Walk Across Ameri</strong></em><strong> and </strong><em><strong>The Walk Wt</strong></em><strong>. I image you were raised a hoehold where creativy was enuraged. But you chose a very different path, at least at first. Tell about that.</strong></p><p>Jedidiah Jenks: I don't know how you feel about this, but my reer path is so terwoven wh how my personaly veloped as a child, and the fluenc of my childhood and the terplay of all those factors. So y, I grew up wh wrer parents. I was very enuraged and believed that any job was a real job. </p><p>I grew up wantg to be a movie director. My hero was Steven Spielberg, and I wanted to move to Hollywood and be him. My parents fully supported me. They weren't, like, “That’s a pipe dream”—bee they both grew up public hog, very poor, and were told they uldn't do . And they walked across Ameri and beme btsellg thors. So they moled for themselv and then for me that nobody n tell you what you n't do.</p><p>But my parents divorced when I was very young, and I grew up wh a sgle mom. My olr sister was very rebell and had substance abe issu, and my ltle brother had really ser medil issu. And my mom was pullg her hair out, tryg to keep my sister out of jail and my brother alive. I knew I uldn’t rock the boat. I uldn’t have needs, I uldn’t shake up this hoe, or ’ll e crashg down. So om a very young age, I beme totally tonomo. I need to be visible and do my own thg.</p><p>What’s so funny is I went off to film school, and then I realized, Oh, no, a movie director is actually not jt an artist, but the boss of 300 people—and I am not meant to be a boss. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know how to tie my sho. I n’t spend some pany’s $40 ln, and boss people around and fire them. That was when I realized, “I’ve ma a huge mistake,” and I panicked. I thought, I need a real, bankable skill. So I went to law school and beme an attorney. Straightaway om that I went to work for my iend who had started a chary lled Invisible Children. I was their -hoe unsel, and then my role there evolved. This is my mid-to-late 20s.</p><p><strong>SJ: Around that time, you started thkg of gog on a journey—which was not jt some touristy boondoggle, but a eper qut. Recently I was rereadg </strong><em><strong>To Shake This Sleepg Self</strong></em><strong>, and occurred to me that you were havg a kd of quarter life crisis. You wre, “The reee timelsns of my youth was rattled my 20s, a kd of panic set .”</strong></p><p>JJ: So wasn’t that I’d had enough and panicked and cut the rd and jumped ship. I thought, I’m gog to be 30 a few years—and that’s an adult. So I should probably figure out if I’m livg the life I want to live and if I’m beg the person I want to be. But I knew I’d fd some reason to change my md, so I cid to tell everyone I was gog on this journey.</p><p>The power of speakg somethg to the universe is that ’s listeng. When I spoke that, began to live my muny, so they held me acuntable. They would ask me, “Are you ridg your bike? Where are you gog to sleep?” The more people asked me, the more I thought that if I didn’t go, then I would be seen as a ward. I basilly weaponized my pri to force myself to do somethg, and totally worked.</p><p><strong>SJ: I’m all for forcg myself to acuntabily. When I first had the ia for the Isolatn Journals, I started emailg people I admired, askg them to ntribute prompts. Then when they started sendg prompts, I thought to myself, “Oh, sh, now I actually have to do this.”</strong></p><p><strong>It’s tertg to terrogate what pels to speak such thgs to existence to beg wh. </strong></p><p>JJ: The thgs that I fd to be my passn or my purpose are directly lked to my woundgs, specifilly my childhood and adolcence. The thgs that give my life the most meang are the richt jtic that happened to me—specifilly beg a gay ltle boy raised the Evangelil South. Beg gay an opprsive society is a unique mory problem.</p><p>What I mean by that is, unlike most ostracized groups, beg gay happens to you alone for a while. On the playground, you might realize you’re different bee of your sk lor or your culture, and you go and you say, “Mommy, I'm different.” And she says, “We have each other though, we’re gonna do this together.” Whereas when you wake up and realize somethg is different, and you are a culture and a fay that do not affirm that, you experience credible ternal isolatn. You fear who you are is sful and gog to kill you, and maybe kill your immortal soul. </p><p>So high school and llege, I was obssed wh beg the bt and the goost boy. Picture a goln retriever waggg his tail. I was stunt body print. Bible study lear. Camp Csa for Christ. Trojan of the Year at USC. Bee ep down si me, om the earlit moments of self-reflexive nscns, I knew that some tegral part of my inty was rotten and evil.</p><p>I also beme super outdoorsy. Now, I’m not sayg I’m not outdoorsy. I am. But is tertg to thk that was partly somethg I viewed as hetero-normatively mascule—to be a flannel wh an axe the woods. It’s like I was tryg to be some character, so that I uld overe my ternal fear of my own feme energy. What’s more hyper mascule than travelg on a bicycle for 14,000 and sleepg unr bridg and climbg mountas?</p><p>Granted, this is the nfg quilt of human inty—that uld be a rponse to fear of beg ostracized as a child, and that uld also jt be my personaly. But you thk about a kid whose very existence feels sry, gog on a great adventure to disver the world and beg a wrer to put to words, not only what he thks, but also expla and adjudite his se to the world of why I’m worthy and I serve to exist and I’m not bad. That beme my reer, exvatg what’s burng unrneath. And for me was the fear of rejectn.</p><p><strong>SJ: I was around the same age as you when I embarked on my own kd of epic journey— my se, a road trip. I was the most lost I've ever been, and I was readg about r of passage. The ceremoni that allow to shoulr plited feelgs, that keep om gettg lost transn, that help bridge the distance between no longer and not yet.</strong></p><p><strong>I’m cur if your trip felt like a re of passage? I know you said you were aaid of rejectn, but was the thg on the other si a kd of acceptance—and if so om whom?</strong></p><p><span>JJ: It really was! In my new book, </span><em>Like Streams to The Ocean</em><span>, I wre a lot about this therapy retreat center lled On Se, which is ral Tennsee. It’s geo. And one of the thgs they do is create the space, so you n act out, which n feel very silly when you're a grown-ass man. They say, “You’re a ne-year-old ltle boy. Where’s your mom?” Okay, my mom’s right the middle. “Where’s your sister?” Unr my mom’s arm. “Where’s your ltle brother?” At her feet. “Where’s your dad? Why are you over the rner playg by yourself?”</span></p><p>What the therapist explas is that the human bra don’t jt thk words. It thks spatially. When you close your ey and picture movg through your childhood home, you’re rememberg 3D.</p><p>All of that ti to this ncept of a re of passage, where you embody and you act out a metaphor for life change, for transn, for transformatn. You give a ltle trip or a big trip, or you give a tattoo, or you burn somethg the fire and let go at the beach. You’re puttg spirual smic tth to a metaphor, so that your bra is like, “Oh, I get this.”</p><p>That therapy changed my life. I’m a talker and a wrer, so when a therapist asks me a qutn, I n talk my way around all damn day. It would never make me cry bee I’m so cerebral and I’ve built a really ser fortrs of ias. But if you get me actg out and makg my ltle self go over there and, bee I wished my mom would have hugged me, I make the two strangers hug each other—and I’m sobbg bee ’s unlocked some spatial accs to an emotnal tth that I had built a fortrs around my words to get to.</p><p>So to answer your qutn: The bike trip really was a re of passage. The trip was the metaphor and wrg the book unpacked what the trip meant over the two years took me to wre . What really meant was that beg good and beg performatively perfect is not what’s gog to save me. 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