Gay Men and Straight Men as Friends | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND BODY PERFECTN
• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• PHYSIL, BEHAVRAL, AND PSYCHOLOGIL TRAS OF GAY MEN INTIFYG AS BEARS
• STEP-BY-STEP INSTCTNS FOR SHOOTG YOUR SHOT WH GAY GUYS
• HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY
• THE WAYS GAY MEN ARE MORE MASCULE THAN THEY REALIZE
• GAY MEN AND AGG

GAY MEN AND BODY PERFECTN

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur. As gay people mt ci on a daily basis whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal, g out is a procs that never the jargon of ntemporary homosexual culture, those who hi their sexual inti are referred to as eher closeted or said to be the closet. While regnizg their homosexual feelgs, the dividuals reject the feelgs and, spe the low odds of succs, may even seek to change their sexual orientatn (Shidlo et al., 2001) above classifitn of homosexual inti privileg the role of self-fn.

Clil prentatns of closeted gay people may lie somewhere severy between selective attentn--most monly seen the se of homosexually self-aware patients thkg about "the possibily" that they might be gay--to more severe dissociatn-- which any ht of same-sex feelgs ris totally out of nsc awarens. More severe forms of dissociatn are monly observed married men who are homosexually self-aware but nnot perm the thought of themselv as gay (Roughton, 2002) and the ClosetSome closeted gay people n reflexively speak whout revealg the genr of the person beg discsed or whout providg any genred tails of their personal liv. Transparency, visibily, losg one's voice, and beg stuck behd walls or other barriers are some of the terms ed to scribe the subjective experience of dissociative tachment (Drcher, 1998) Closet and Gay-BashgFor some gay men, "Hidg and passg as heterosexual be a lifelong moral hatred of the self; a maze of rptns, petty li, and half tths that spoil social relatns fay and iendship" (Herdt and Boxer, 1993).

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

Herdt and Boxer (1993) classified g out as a rual procs of passage that requir a gay person to 1) unlearn the prcipl of natural or sentialist heterosexualy; 2) unlearn the stereotyp of homosexualy; and 3) learn the ways of the lbian and gay culture they are enterg.

After makg such a move, gay people may pletely (and perhaps dissociatively) sever relatnships wh their past Therapist's RoleA therapist's regnn and rpect for dividual differenc allows multiple possibili the g out procs. It is a prerequise of this work that therapists be able to accept their patients' homosexualy as a normal variatn of human sexualy, and that they value and rpect same-sex feelgs and behavrs as well (Drcher, 1998).

PHYSIL, BEHAVRAL, AND PSYCHOLOGIL TRAS OF GAY MEN INTIFYG AS BEARS

Conversely, the same is te if a patient cis not to e the social stigma, the severy of antihomosexual attus the culture and the difficulti associated wh revealg one's sexual inty, why would a gay person e out at all? After more than three s of safer sex msag agast the backdrop of gay men sickeng horribly and then dyg, new medil treatments have stemmed the ti of the panmic and offered real hope for longer-term survival to people wh HIV. Queer theorist Tim Dean (2000) wr: "In view of statistics on new seronversns, some AIDS tors have begun to acknowledge that, unlikely though may seem, remag HIV-negative fact pos signifint psychologil challeng to gay men" (p.

To those who have not been workg the gay men's muny for the past 25 years, this statement might seem absurd, but is te that HIV-negative gay men face unique challeng that make seem almost easier to seronvert. New York social worker Steve Ball (1998) scrib how durg the height of the AIDS epimic HIV-negative gay men often found themselv the role of regiver, mourner/widower, or outsir, due to their not beg fected wh HIV.

STEP-BY-STEP INSTCTNS FOR SHOOTG YOUR SHOT WH GAY GUYS

Gay men who were recently surveyed about their failure to e ndoms durg anal sex repeatedly told rearchers that current AIDS preventn msag do not feel relevant to them and do not nvey an urgency about why ndom e is important (Halkis, Parsons, & Wilton, 2003; Carballo-Dieguez & L, 2003; Mor et al., 2003).

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE GAY

Crossley suggts that is impossible to evaluate the efficy of safer-sex msag and of themselv sce ncurrent to when they first began appearg, gay men were overwhelmed by the terror that they might be fected by the then-new disease that was rapidly killg their iends and lovers. As psychologist and former rearcher at the CDC Ron Stall was quoted as sayg an article the Manhattan gay newspaper Gay Cy News, "There are studi that monstrate a variety of psychosocial health issu, cludg prsn, antigay vlence, childhood sexual abe, or substance abe, n lead gay men to have unsafe sex" (Stall, quoted Osborne, 2002, p.

THE WAYS GAY MEN ARE MORE MASCULE THAN THEY REALIZE

In my own practice, I have intified several factors that appear to lead to sexual risk-takg: lonels, beg HIV-posive, havg unmet timacy needs, feelg alienated om the gay muny, beg love, and a cravg for eper timacy and tst. Even when gay men posss a sophistited unrstandg of how HIV is transmted and accurate perceptns of how dangero risky sex n be, many gay men unrtimate their vulnerabily to HIV fectn (McKick, Horstman, & Coat, 1985; Bman & Siegel, 1987; Richard et al., 1988). Suarez and Miller (2001) feel that many gay youth who bareback fall to the tegory of irratnal risk takers sce they may have never known anyone wh HIV and hold psimistic attus about the future largely related to their beg gay.

As evince, they pot to the plethora of personal ads on Web s voted exclively to barebackg as well as on Web s where gay men cise for sex where men state their own HIV stat and the sired stat of potential partners.

The many levels of meang and special signifince that givg and receivg of semen has for gay men nnot be unrtimated as a ntributg factor to the rise barebackg -- pecially romantic upl, as will be examed Sectn 2 of this book. In ntrast to the rearchers above who have shown that for some gay men barebackg is a ratnal activy, there are social scientists who have tried to terme whether men who bareback have a documented higher level of mental disorrs than do men who do not take sexual risks. Rearch by Halkis and Wilton (2005) on the meangs of sex for HIV-posive gay and bisexual men found that of the 250 men terviewed, most discsed the role of sex as a mood stabilizer, strs rcer, and facilator of timacy.

GAY MEN AND AGG

Even though a rrelatn has been shown to exist between high sensatn-seekers and impulsivy, this alone do not necsarily mean that all gay men who are high sexual sensatn-seekers exhib characteristics that would em them diagnosable as havg a personaly disorr, though obvly some do. Wh the mental health profsns' long history of diagnosg gay men as psychologilly abnormal and disturbed bee of their homosexualy, is important that the simple fact that a man has high-risk sex do not bee the sole crern for him to be diagnosed as exhibg psychopathology.