Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay</tle><meta name="tle" ntent="Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay" /><meta name="scriptn" ntent="Is 'Homosexual OCD' - the fear of beg gay, spe beg straight - jt ternalised homophobia, or a ser psychologil disorr?" /><meta name="keywords" ntent="Health & Nutrn/Wellns,Polics,Sex" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="webse" /><meta name="theme-lor" ntent="#000000" /><lk href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" rel="in" /><meta property="og:se_name" ntent="Esquire" /><meta name="fb:app_id" ntent="1643411472613830" property="fb:app_id" /><meta name="article:publisher" ntent=" property="article:publisher" /><meta name="twter:se" ntent="@EsquireUK" /><meta name="google-se-verifitn" ntent="1vf5i9wM7chlCFc_0XI_e-oCfDf4sEvp32sTGKokQ" /><meta property="og:tle" ntent="Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay" /><meta property="og:scriptn" ntent="Is 'Homosexual OCD' - the fear of beg gay, spe beg straight - jt ternalised homophobia, or a ser psychologil disorr?" /><meta name="robots" ntent="max-image-preview:large,max-snippet:-1,max-vio-preview:30" /><lk rel="apple-touch-in" href="/_assets/sign-tokens/quire/static/imag/" /><meta property="og:image" ntent="" /><meta property="og:image:width" ntent="1200" /><meta property="og:image:height" ntent="600" /><meta name="thumbnail" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent="" /><meta name="" ntent=" /><meta name="twter:image" ntent="" /><meta ntent=" property="og:url" /><meta name="to-publish" ntent="never" /><meta property="og:type" ntent="article" /><meta name="twter:rd" ntent="summary_large_image" /><meta name="article:opn" property="article:opn" /><meta ntent="Sex & Relatnships" property="article:sectn" /><meta ntent="2021-07-28T18:29:22Z" property="article:modified_time" /><meta ntent="2020-02-28T16:29:00Z" property="article:published_time" /><meta name="sailth.excerpt" ntent="Hunched nu the glow of his iMac, 17-year-old Darren* typed the words 'gay porn' to Google for the first time."I didn't fancy men," he tells me. 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Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Is 'Homosexual OCD' - the fear of beg gay, spe beg straight - jt ternalised homophobia, or a ser psychologil disorr?</p></div><style data-emotn="css d04ng2">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 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1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Nick Pope" tle="Headshot of Nick Pope" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="//thor/16323/nick-pope/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Nick Pope</a></span></addrs></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css 149neno">{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;max-width:m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2));} .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2);width:100vw;}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){ .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 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class="article-body-ntent article-body longform-body css-z6i669 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css 1nhwtgm">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-1nhwtgm et3p2gv0">Hunched nu the glow of his iMac, 17-year-old Darren* typed the words 'gay porn' to Google for the first time.</p><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"I didn't fancy men," he tells me. "I had a girliend, and only ever had sexual feelgs for women, but I jt uldn't shake the ia that I was somehow lyg to myself."</p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He plugged his headphon, clicked on an X-rated vio and took a ep breath. It was around 3am, the summer of 2007, and relentls fears of homosexualy had tormented him sce the start of the year. "I jt woke up one day and I was sudnly obssed wh . It felt like everythg I thought I knew about myself was fallg apart. It didn't make any sense."</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He watched, expectg somethg signifint to stir upstairs or down. But there was nothg. Feelg equal measure victory and feat, Darren swched off the monor, laid flat on his bed and wrtled wh his doubts for a few more hours before fally surrenrg to sleep. He rried out the same tt almost every night for the next three weeks, always wh the same rult.</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">After searchg Inter mental health foms for answers to his private impasse, Darren beme nvced that he was sufferg om 'HOCD': a not officially regnised form of Obssive Compulsive Disorr fed by the fear of beg or beg homosexual. </p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">A has passed sce Darren's self-diagnosis and subsequent therapy, but 'HOCD' still remas a divisive subject wh some sectns of the psychologil healthre muny. Now 26, he is keen to raise awarens for what he believ to be a misunrstood and potentially life-g anxiety disorr.</p><p data-no-id="6" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"> "I was fobbed off by therapists who jt thought that I mt be gay. I don't want that happeng to anybody else."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="7" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'"';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"Oh my God, I've jt noticed a guy and thought he was good lookg. Do that mean…"</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Avy Joseph is an accreded</strong> Cognive Behavural Therapist and lecturer wh 25 years experience treatg anxiety disorrs. While he asserts that 'HOCD', an acronym ed by sufferers sharg their stori onle, isn't officially classified the Diagnostic and Statistil Manual of Mental Disorrs (DSM), he says that the irratnal fear of beg or beg gay falls firmly wh the umbrella of Obssive Compulsive Disorr.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"Someone will tell me that they were walkg down the street and saw a guy, and thought: 'Oh, he's really good lookg.' But then they thk: 'oh my God, I've jt noticed a guy and thought he was good lookg. Do that mean…'" </p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Acrdg to Joseph, 's at such nocuo begngs that a self-perpetuatg and all-nsumg obssn wh sexual inty n beg. "The more you sist that you mtn't have a particular thought, gus what happens? You're gog to have hundreds of them," he tells me. "That anxiety, and then you start to thk more unrealistilly. The abily to thk a probabilistic way go out the wdow. Then you ask yourself: 'How n I be absolutely sure that the thoughts won't e back?' And then of urse you start mandg certaty…"</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">A monly held misnceptn about OCD is that sufferers are all fixated wh ntamatn and uniformy. The tth is, for many, OCD has nothg to do wh overworked light swch or pulsive hand scbbg, and all to do wh tsive, relentls, and often distrsg thoughts that swarm around their heads on a daily basis.</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Ltle rearch has been published on the rat of sexual obssn OCD sufferers, but a <style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="recent study g a sample of 293 subjects" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">recent study g a sample of 293 subjects</a> found that 25% experienced tsive sexual thoughts. And while analysis is srce, a Google search reveals a seemgly endls scroll of people sharg their 'HOCD' experienc on foms, and YouTube vios on the topic often wrack up tens of thoands of views.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Aaron Harvey, founr of non-prof OCD awarens project <a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0"></a>, is a former sufferer who found aterny on the ter. "[There was] solace the stori of teens on YouTube, and hope om olr generatns sharg experienc and treatment remendatns. If were not for this muny, I may not have ma ," he tells me.</p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">From the age of 11, Aaron was plagued by sexually tsive thoughts, culmatg suici iatns at the age of 21. For him, was a full-time afflictn. "Sufferers will spend hours per day 'checkg' or 'ttg' themselv to try to get to the 'tth' about their sexual inty. I would nstantly check levels of aroal. Objectively asss my stctive attractn towards femal and my lack of tert the male form. I even had obssns that I was actually love wh my former partner's brother." </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Acrdg to Aaron, four out of five people get tsive thoughts, but one fifty fd them much harr to dismiss, quickly velopg to an all-nsumg obssn.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="16" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"Sufferers will spend hours per day 'checkg' or 'ttg' themselv to try to get to the 'tth' about their sexual inty."</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="17" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He says the tsive thoughts n often lead sufferers to make drastic life cisns. "They may go as far as to plan g out to fay and iends, all the while not believg they are gay. In relatnships they may whdraw om their partners emotnally and physilly, bee when you fear that you don't know who you are, you bee paranoid you may be sellg a lie to the person you love the most."</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But what someone to fear the prospect of beg gay the first place? Darren says he grew up a "liberal-ish" hoehold and believ that homosexualy would have been accepted by his fay and iends, but 's easy to see how a ls tolerant upbrgg uld turn homosexualy to a e for anxiety. Aaron, for example, grew up a relig home Orlando, Florida, and attend a private Christian school: "Tryg to n om [what he'd been told were] vlent, blasphemo and v thoughts was extremely paful. I had no sense of inty. I had no ia who I was."</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Rose Bretécher, btsellg thor of OCD memoir <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor"><a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Pure O" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">Pure O</a></em>, also experienced tsive doubts about homosexualy, nstantly fearg that her life as a straight woman was a lie. "OCD is sometim lled the 'doubtg disease', bee sufferers stggle wh this kd of uncertaty," she says. "The more I soul-searched, the worse the doubts and acpanyg sexual mental imag got. My sense of self was slippg away, g chaos, anxiety and prsn." She had no way of distguishg whether the thoughts she was experiencg were merely tsive or te reflectns of her sexualy.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="20" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 10klw3m">{height:100%;}</style><div data-embed="youtube" class="embed align-center css-10klw3m ez8lbhw1"><style data-emotn="css 63r9na">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;m-height:10rem;background-lor:#F5F5F5;lor:#000;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;height:100%;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="css-63r9na ez8lbhw0"><style data-emotn="css 1msakm2">{width:3.125rem;height:3.125rem;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/;id=lk-out-embed" loadg="lazy" alt="youtube in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1msakm2 ez8lbhw2" /><a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" href=" aria-label="View full post on Youtube" class="css-0 e1c1bym14">View full post on Youtube</a></div></div></div><p data-no-id="21" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Nowadays, the majory of tablished OCD chari – cludg OCDUK, OCDActn and Md - addrs tsive sexual thoughts as a mon trope of the disorr, but that has done ltle to stem a backlash om some high-profile skeptics wh the psychologil muny, who believe that HOCD is at bt misguid, and at worst homophobia s most pernic guise.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="22" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"My psychologist jt looked bored and hand me a leaflet"</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="23" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">In November 2015, </strong><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em> UK's LGBT edor Patrick Stdwick published an article tled '<a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn=""World's Leadg Anxiety Expert" Offers Treatment For People Who Worry That They're Gay" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">"World's Leadg Anxiety Expert" Offers Treatment For People Who Worry That They're Gay</a>' that heavily cricised the practice of a Harley Street therapist named Charl Ln who, acrdg to the se, boasted of a "100% succs rate" the treatment of "HOCD".</p><p data-no-id="24" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">At the time the article was wrten, Ln's publishers were dubbg him as "the world's leadg thory on anxiety", and his webse ma hefty promis to sexually-nfed OCD sufferers. "If you are experiencg HOCD … and the thoughts ," the se read, "you are not gay and when you do my Method to elimate this and your other anxieti you'll fd out why you thk you might be and why you certaly are NOT!"</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In their report, <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em> revealed that Ln lacked any medil, psychiatric or psychotheraptic trag, ultimately managg to get his practice disavowed by two major mental health anisatns that had prevly featured as endorsements. He has sce troduced a number of veats on his webse, and remas as Google's featured rult for the search 'HOCD'.</p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em>'s skepticism wasn't aimed solely at Ln's shaky crentials and clumsy phrasg but also towards the credibily of sexualy-centred OCDs as a whole, and the ethics of therapists who seek to treat . They terviewed a number of proment mental health profsnals on the matter, who echoed the argument that the ncept of 'HOCD' was seeped homophobia and psdo psychology.</p><p data-no-id="27" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Elizabeth Peel, chair of the Brish Psychologil Society's 'Psychology of Sexuali' sectn and a profsor of Communitn & Social Interactn at Loughborough Universy, stat wh the piece that: "The term 'Homosexual OCD' is simply nversn therapy unr another guise and somethg we strongly nmn as damagg."</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">She went on to say: "People should be wary of the way this therapy is beg promoted, and there are no published peer-reviewed studi to back up the claims that are beg ma."</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Profsor Dh Bhuga, a former print of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, also cricised the practice, tellg <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em>: "HOCD is not a regnised ndn. By 'creatg' such a ndn there is a ser danger of medilisg normal human emotns and turng lots of people who are var stag of g out, and for var reasons are stgglg to accept their sexualy, to 'ill' dividuals."</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">It's clear that the term 'HOCD', ed by onle sufferers and unregnised by the DSM (which only referenc obssns wh "sexual imagery"), n act as a muddyg misnomer the nversatn around tsive sexual thoughts. Even Bretécher believ the phrase is a "ltle misleadg", and the anisatn OCDUK has warned that such unendorsed acronyms provi unnecsary nfn to sufferers and mental health profsnals alike.</p><p data-no-id="31" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And yet spe the nmnatns, the treatment of tsive sexual thoughts has across-the-board regnn wh the OCD muny. Is jt a matter of semantics? Or do pot to a eper disagreement?</p><p data-no-id="32" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I asked Elizabeth Peel to clarify her "nversn therapy" ments. In rponse she wrote: "The pot I was makg was that 'Homosexual OCD', as I unrstand , is very siar to 'ternalised homophobia'. The ma issue is not to treat same-sex sexualy as somethg that is problematic."</p><p data-no-id="33" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Aaron believ this is a misterpretatn of the problem at hand. "The statement that 'HOCD is nversn therapy unr another guise' breaks my heart," he tells me over email. "It monstrat the pomp of amia and the fundamental divi between their muny and ours. Misrmatn is everywhere. And 's not jt msage foms, 's g om the mouths of therapists, relig unselors, psychologists and psychiatrists who fundamentally do not unrstand OCD. Th, the explosn of onle muni."</p><p data-no-id="34" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When Darren suffered a "kd of breakdown" 2007, he looked to the NHS for help. "The thoughts were gettg impossible to live wh, so I drove to the hospal and they sat me down wh what I thk was a psychologist. I opened up about how I was feelg, but he looked bored and said: "Well, maybe you're jt gay" and hand me a leaflet. That set me back a long way."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="35" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"I'm certaly not terted nvertg gay men to straight men."</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="36" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Peel's reference to gay nversn therapy</strong> - the wholly discreded and dangero effort to 'cure' homosexualy - certaly darkens the tone of the nversatn. And an age where even the <a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Vice Print of the Uned Stat has exprsed tac support for the practice" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">Vice Print of the Uned Stat has exprsed tac support for the practice</a>, 's unrstandable that high profile figur the psychologil muny would nmn anythg that uld fuel the rhetoric of homophobic 'therapists', or provi party-le approval of their methods. After all, spe recent headways by LGBT groups and nunciatn om former Print Barrack Obama, gay nversn therapy is still legal across the US and only six stat have banned the practice relatn to mors. It's clear that, Ameri at least, the fight is far om over.</p><p data-no-id="37" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But uld be that this kd of soc-polilly vigilant thkg might impe our abily to engage wh this particular mental health disorr a nuanced manner? While attempts to dismiss the ndn may be well-tentned, they risk leavg sufferers whout proper psychiatric help.</p><p data-no-id="38" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"As a gay man, I'm certaly not terted nvertg gay men to straight men. Sexualy is anic as far as I'm ncerned," Avy Joseph says when I brg up the subject of nversn therapy. </p><p data-no-id="39" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If a client who is gay but anx about the nsequenc of acceptg themselv or g out go to a therapist who has an agenda about homosexualy, then of urse that therapist isn't workg the bt tert of their clients. I image they exist, but I've never met one who would publicly say homosexualy is wrong. It's pletely uhil."</p><p data-no-id="40" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Rose Bretécher believ the accatn HOCD is jt 'ternalised homophobia' is rrect, but don't blame anyone for leapg to such a ncln: "People's unrstandg is only as good as the rmatn available out there – and awarens is still pretty poor. I thk cur skepticism is healthy and that personal ttimony alone don't prove much. But thankfully no-one has to take my word for – go read the huge amount of objective rmatn available on specialist OCD web-s and chari."</p><p data-no-id="41" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Joseph tells me that he has never had a gay person e to him wh tsive thoughts about heterosexualy, but ttimony exists on Inter foms, and the OCD Center of Los Angel stat that do happen. "Over the years, therapists here […] have treated many homosexuals (male and female) who are plagued by obssive fears of beg "straight", and who suffer equally when OCD attacks their sexual inty," stat their webse, which also offers an onle HOCD tt. "It is not exclive to heterosexuals. At s re, sexual orientatn OCD is the fear of not knowg for sure, paired wh the fear of never beg able to have a healthy, lovg relatnship wh a partner to whom one feels genuely attracted."</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Which brgs to perhaps the most important qutn: how n a therapist tell the difference between an OCD sufferer experiencg tsive and irratnal sexual thoughts, and a person gog through a difficult procs of sexual realisatn?</p><p data-no-id="43" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"You'd make an asssment," says Joseph, who practic a variant of Cognive Behavural Therapy lled Ratnal Emotive Therapy. "You'd ask qutns about whether they fd men sexually arog, or whether they have wet dreams about men, and whether they are exced by the ia of sex wh men.[…] If the asssment is that the person is not gay, bee you believe as a therapist that there is no evince, that do not mean they have ternalised homophobia. They're jt askg themselv: why did I have this thought?"</p><p data-no-id="44" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And the treatment?</p><p data-no-id="45" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"The person who has OCD is highly anx about this obtsive thought. Once they accept the thought, then be apparent that their OCD disappears. Instead of fightg the thought, they've accepted whout addg any meang to . The whole therapy I practice is based on acceptance."</p><p data-no-id="46" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And what if turns out that the patient is gay, after all? </p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If someone is fearful of beg gay bee beg gay reprents to them abandonment by their fay, or rejectn, or experiencg vlence or abe, then you would help them to accept themselv unndnally as a gay man."</p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Ironilly, acceptance rts at the heart</strong> of both sis' arguments; acceptance of thought, sexualy and self. And 's impossible to know how far apart people actually stand on the issue, given the way that the ntroversy blurs the bate.</p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If the path to treatment is facilated through an onle muny that has ed a theme lled HOCD, how is that hurtg people?" argu Aaron. "Onle muni sharg mon experienc to better unrstand their ndn is cril to a global society." </p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">That beg said, he strs that an OCD diagnosis om a clil psychologist is val. "Remember, everyone has tsive thoughts about sexualy. So tsive thoughts about your sexual inty alone are not enough to know you have OCD."</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"> Ten years and two psychologists after that first, ght experiment wh gay porn, Darren still suffers recurrg bouts of OCD, but not around his inty as a straight man. "My anxiety n be fueled by a lot of stuff, but I jt do the same thg I was tght to do wh fears about sexualy. </p><p data-no-id="52" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"Accept , let the thought pass, and move on."</p><p data-no-id="53" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Like this article? 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converting from gay

Back high school, when I uldn’t figure out why I felt so pelled to secretly drs and act like a woman, I started to wonr if I was gay. I’d always been attracted to girls, and I even had a…

Contents:

5 THGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GAY CONVERSN THERAPY

New urt challeng are aimed at gay nversn therapy, a psdoscientific method said to turn homosexual people straight. * converting from gay *

A therapy that claims to nvert gay people to heterosexuals is beg tted urt wh two new s, one of which seeks to sue unselors offerg the therapy and the other seekg to fend nversn therapy, as is known, supposedly helps gay people overe same-sex attractns. [7 Absolutely Evil Medil Experiments]More recently, people who have been through nversn therapy report talk therapy that emphasiz psdoscientific theori, such as the ia that an overbearg mother and a distant father make a child gay.

‘I AM GAY – BUT I WASN’T BORN THIS WAY’

My journey om gay to straight me pletely by accint - but 's allowed me to bee the person I always wanted to be * converting from gay *

His therapist blamed his parents for Arana's homosexualy, and urged him to distance himself om his female bt Lev, one of the men sug Jonah for ceptive practic, says that he qu nversn therapy after his therapist had him strip down and touch himself to "rennect wh his masculy, " acrdg to the New York Tim.

It didn’t of the most proment advot of nversn therapy the 1940s and 50s was Edmund Bergler, who saw homosexualy as a perversn and believed he uld "cure" gay people wh a punishment-based, nontatnal therapy the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn stopped classifyg homosexualy as a mental disorr 1973, nversn therapi lost support. In 2003, famed psychiatrist Robert Spzer, who spearhead the removal of homosexualy om the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn's mental disorr list 1973, reported the journal Archiv of Sexual Behavr that terviews wh nversn therapy patients suggted that some people uld change their sexual paper was cendiary and highly cricized, given that relied on terviews wh patients stead of measurable benchmarks of same-sex sir. You so obvly nnot be gay, was her implitn, bee this is good was 2006, a full five years before Lady Gaga would set the Born This Way argument atop s unassailable cultural perch, but even then the popular unrstandg of orientatn was that was somethg you were born wh, somethg you uldn’t change.

But what feels most accurate to say is that I’m gay – but I wasn’t born this people may fd their sir changg directn - and n't jt be explaed as experimentatn (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In 1977, jt over 10% of Amerins thought gayns was somethg you were born wh, acrdg to Gallup. Throughout the same perd, the number of Amerins who believe homosexualy is “due to someone’s upbrgg/environment” fell om jt unr 60% to ias reached cril mass pop culture, first wh Lady Gaga’s 2011 Born This Way and one year later wh Macklemore’s Same Love, the chos of which has a gay person sgg “I n’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to. ”People who challenge the Born This Way narrative are often st as homophobic, and their thkg is nsired backwardAs Jane Ward not Not Gay: Sex Between Straight Whe Men, what’s tertg about many of the claims is how transparent their speakers are wh their polil motivatns.

GAY CONVERSN: I SLEPT WH OVER 200 MEN, NOW I'M A HAPPILY MARRIED HETEROSEXUAL DAD

Is 'Homosexual OCD' - the fear of beg gay, spe beg straight - jt ternalised homophobia, or a ser psychologil disorr? * converting from gay *

In fact, the homophobic and non-homophobic rponnts he studied shared siar levels of belief a Born This Way Samantha Allen not at The Daily Beast, the growg public support for gays and lbians has grown out of proportn wh the rise the number of people who believe homosexualy is fixed at birth; would be unlikely that this small change opn uld expla the spike support for gay marriage, for stance.

“It don’t seem to matter as much whether or not people believe that gay people are born that way as do that they simply know someone who is currently gay, ” Allen spe of the studi, those who ph agast Born This Way narrativ have been heavily cricised by gay activists. Siarly, Ward has received her own hatemail for phg agast the lg LGB narrativ, wh some gays tellg her she’s “worse than Ann Coulter, ” the ntroversial US thor of books like If Democrats Had Any Bras, They’d Be Republins.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO SYSTEMATILLY TURN GAY PEOPLE STRAIGHT?

The efforts are potentially harmful, acrdg to the APA, “bee they prent the view that the sexual orientatn of lbian, gay and bisexual youth is a mental illns of disorr, and they often ame the abily to change one’s sexual orientatn as a personal and moral failure. The APA, for example, while notg that most people experience ltle to no choice over their orientatns, says this of homosexualy’s origs:“Although much rearch has examed the possible geic, hormonal, velopmental, social and cultural fluenc on sexual orientatn, no fdgs have emerged that perm scientists to nclu that sexual orientatn is termed by any particular factor or factors. ”Siarly, the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn wr a 2013 statement that while the of heterosexualy and homosexualy are currently unknown, they are likely “multifactorial cludg blogil and behavral roots which may vary between different dividuals and may even vary over time.

” Acrdg to LeVay’s rearch, a specific part of the bra, the third terstial nucls of the anterr hypothalam (INAH-3), is smaller homosexual men than is heterosexual as they might, scientists have stggled to inty any particular gen that nsistently predict the directns of our love and sire (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Read moreYou n spot the problem wh this study a e away: were the gay bras LeVay studied born that way, or did they bee that way?

MEET THE STRAIGHT MEN WHO ARE TERRIFIED THEY ARE GAY

Bis the dividual criqu leveled agast each new study announcg some gay gene disvery, there are major methodologil cricisms to make about the entire enterprise general, as Grzanka pots out: “If we look at the raveno pursu, particularly among Amerin scientists, to fd a gay gene, what we see is that the ncln has already been arrived at. ” Our sir may exprs themselv many different ways that do not all nform to existg notns of ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bisexual’ is one of the bt takeaways of Ward’s Not Gay, a peratg analysis of sex between straight whe men.

”Gay or not, our sir are oriented and re-oriented throughout our liv (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)In fact, the straight-intified men Ward studied for her book sometim found themselv suatns that sparked the sire for homosexual sex: aterni, ployments, public rtrooms, etc.

CAN SCTN MAKE STRAIGHT MEN GAY?

I’m claimg that at some pot durg llege, my sexual and romantic sir beme reoriented toward menThkg back to my llege romanc wh women and men, I n beg to unrstand how my own experienc might have helped me to ‘cultivate’ my sire for homosexualy. “Limg our unrstandg of any plex human experience is always gog to be worse than allowg to be plited, ” he gay rights activists pared sexualy to relign - a ccial part of our life that we should be ee to practise however we like (Cred: Ignac Lehamann)So what are we to do wh the Born This Way rhetoric? ”Acrdg to surveys, ls than half of Generatn Z intify as "100% heterosexual", suggtg more and more people have embraced their sexual fluidy (Cred: Ignac Lehmann)Perhaps is time to look to the begng of the gay rights movement.

THE EX-GAY CHRISTIANY MOVEMENT IS MAKG A QUIET EBACK. THE EFFECTS ON LGBTQ YOUTH ULD BE VASTATG.

I beme the first person to live openly as a gay man the sectn of the universy I attend, and even tablished an LGBT group for other stunts, actively preachg agast those who suggted that beg gay was somehow a choice, or even wrong. It was simply a mixture of gnive therapy, to challenge my re beliefs and root out one-sid thkg; behavural therapy, to change problematic actns traed through years of rercement; and EMDR, which rhythmic eye movements to dampen the power of trmatic therapist and I never foced solely on my beg sexually attracted to men, but my "beg gay" had to be part of the dialogue, otherwise I'd have been leavg a part of my life at the door.

At the age of 46, I've never felt better my own ParkerI began to see that maybe, jt maybe, I was never tly gay and that there was a man as real and as noble as the men I had often admired, worshipped and yearned for hidn ep wh me, wag to be eed and released. Therapy n be dangero, and there's no reason why anyone should feel pelled to 'nvert' I now believe people aren't born gay, and anyone n velop the sort of hidn inty I've Parker is om the Journey Into Manhood trag programme which is anised by People Can Change, a non-prof tnal, support and outreach you are affected by any of the issu raised this article, send your feedback g the ment sectn below.

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO EXPERIENCE GAY CONVERSN THERAPY

"If [a patient] n accept his bodily homoerotic experience while stayg nnected to the therapist, " he wrote The Paradox of Self-Acceptance, "the sexual feelg soon transforms to somethg else: the regnn of eper, pa-generated emotnal needs which have nothg to do wh sexualy. The few that did have "high-qualy" evince "show that endurg change to an dividual's sexual orientatn is unmon, " and that treatments tend to change sexual orientatn may e harm, cludg prsn and mental Dark AgHomosexualy was officially labeled a mental illns the U. Another method was satiatn therapy, which a subject was told to masturbate over and over while verbally scribg his homosexual fantasi, until they disappeared — or, at least, "therapi" were generally effective — the person remaed attracted to the same sex — or over-effective — the person was trmatized and lost all sexual aroal entirely.

They "were ed whout people thkg about whether they were humane, " Glassgold all treatments were so gome: Lnel Ovey, a Columbia Universy psychoanalyst and thor of Homosexualy and Psdohomosexualy, created a behavral method the 1960s. " His view mirrored the belief of many clicians at the time: that homosexualy was based on a phobia of the oppose non-aversive treatments followg this theory foced on buildg "tnal skills" like datg techniqu, assertivens trag, and affectn achg to crease teractns wh women.

SOME GAYS CAN GO STRAIGHT, STUDY SAYS

He rried out the same tt almost every night for the next three weeks, always wh the same searchg Inter mental health foms for answers to his private impasse, Darren beme nvced that he was sufferg om 'HOCD': a not officially regnised form of Obssive Compulsive Disorr fed by the fear of beg or beg homosexual. While he asserts that 'HOCD', an acronym ed by sufferers sharg their stori onle, isn't officially classified the Diagnostic and Statistil Manual of Mental Disorrs (DSM), he says that the irratnal fear of beg or beg gay falls firmly wh the umbrella of Obssive Compulsive Disorr. Nowadays, the majory of tablished OCD chari – cludg OCDUK, OCDActn and Md - addrs tsive sexual thoughts as a mon trope of the disorr, but that has done ltle to stem a backlash om some high-profile skeptics wh the psychologil muny, who believe that HOCD is at bt misguid, and at worst homophobia s most pernic guise.

"My psychologist jt looked bored and hand me a leaflet"In November 2015, BuzzFeed UK's LGBT edor Patrick Stdwick published an article tled '"World's Leadg Anxiety Expert" Offers Treatment For People Who Worry That They're Gay' that heavily cricised the practice of a Harley Street therapist named Charl Ln who, acrdg to the se, boasted of a "100% succs rate" the treatment of "HOCD" the time the article was wrten, Ln's publishers were dubbg him as "the world's leadg thory on anxiety", and his webse ma hefty promis to sexually-nfed OCD sufferers. Elizabeth Peel, chair of the Brish Psychologil Society's 'Psychology of Sexuali' sectn and a profsor of Communitn & Social Interactn at Loughborough Universy, stat wh the piece that: "The term 'Homosexual OCD' is simply nversn therapy unr another guise and somethg we strongly nmn as damagg. And an age where even the Vice Print of the Uned Stat has exprsed tac support for the practice, 's unrstandable that high profile figur the psychologil muny would nmn anythg that uld fuel the rhetoric of homophobic 'therapists', or provi party-le approval of their methods.

EXPERIENCE: I WAS A GAY-NVERSN THERAPIST

"Rose Bretécher believ the accatn HOCD is jt 'ternalised homophobia' is rrect, but don't blame anyone for leapg to such a ncln: "People's unrstandg is only as good as the rmatn available out there – and awarens is still pretty poor. "Over the years, therapists here […] have treated many homosexuals (male and female) who are plagued by obssive fears of beg "straight", and who suffer equally when OCD attacks their sexual inty, " stat their webse, which also offers an onle HOCD tt.

The evince that the men experienced a genue change sexual preference, shows that life-long, exclive homosexualy, as articulated by gay rhetoric, is more a statement about the culture which occurs than the "sence" of homosexualy. Addnally, the Inter is rife wh stori of LGBTQ people who have reported sufferg psychologil harm as a rult of participatg the programs and proment Christians are quietly tryg to rurrect ex-gay Christiany, and the new rnatn is hipper and perhaps more evolved. Yet beneath the smetic tweaks ss the same msage that has damaged many liv over many s: If you’re a Christian wh same-sex attractns, change is both possible and first wave of Amerin ex-gay Christiany the 1970s alced around mistri and anizatns specifilly voted to the e.

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO SURVIVE GAY CONVERSN THERAPYAMENNETFLIXTHE NEW DOCUMENTARY “PRAY AWAY” REVEALS THE TRMA AND DANGER WH RELIG MUNI THAT WEAPONIZE FAH TO NVCE LGBT MEMBERS TO “NVERT” TO HETEROSEXUALY.KEV FALLONSENR EDOR, OBSSEDPUBLISHED AUG. 03, 2021 4:11AM EDT FOR A TIME, JOHN PLK WAS THE MOST FAMO EX-GAY PERSON THE WORLD.THROUGHOUT THE ’90S, HE WAS THE PUBLIC FIGUREHEAD OF THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT. HE WAS ON THE VER OF NEWSWEEK, A VETED GUT ON THE TALK-SHOW CIRCU, AND EQUENTLY BOOKED TO SPEAK AT RELIG NVENTNS. HE AND HIS WIFE, ANNE, ED TO BE GAY. THEN THEY “FOUND GOD,” AND EACH OTHER.PLK BEE A VOUT AND ACTIVE MEMBER OF EXOD INTERNATNAL, AN UMBRELLA ANIZATN THAT NNECTED DIFFERENT GROUPS ACROSS THE UNTRY THAT WERE ALL PURSU OF HELPG PEOPLE WH “HOMOSEXUAL SIR” WHO WANTED TO RID THEMSELV OF THOSE CLATNS AND BEE CLOSER TO GOD. AT THE CX OF THE GROUPS IS THE IA THAT HOMOSEXUALY IS SICK AND SFUL. NEWSLETTERSTHE DAILY BEAST’S OBSSEDEVERYTHG WE N’T STOP LOVG, HATG, AND THKG ABOUT THIS WEEK POP CULTURE.SUBSCRIBEBY CLICKG "SUBSCRIBE" YOU AGREE TO HAVE READ THE TERMS OF USE AND PRIVACY POLICY WH THE HELP OF WHAT IS MONLY REFERRED TO AS NVERSN THERAPY, THEY ULD RETURN TO THE PATH TOWARD GOODNS, TOWARD GOD, AND AWAY OM THEIR HOMOSEXUAL URG. PLK WAS THE PROOF, A SUCCS STORY. IN 2013, PLK DISAVOWED EXOD AND THE IA OF NVERSN THERAPY, APOLOGIZG FOR HIS ROLE PROMOTG FOR SO MANY YEARS. HE NO LONGER INTIFI AS “FORMERLY GAY.” HE IS GAY.PLK IS AMONG THE FORMER PARTICIPANTS THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT AND LEARS WHO ARE TERVIEWED THE NEW DOCUMENTARY ON NETFLIX LLED PRAY AWAY, WHICH WAS DIRECTED BY KRISTE STOLAKIS AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCED BY RYAN MURPHY AND JASON BLUM.IN TALKG TO THE LEARS AND SURVIVORS OF NVERSN THERAPY, STOLAKIS CHRONICL THE TRMA AND PA FLICTED BY THE GROUPS AND EXAM HOW ANIZATNS LIKE EXOD INTERNATNAL MANIPULATED PEOPLE’S FAH AND SIRE FOR A RELATNSHIP WH GOD TO NVCE THEM TO “PRAY AWAY” THEIR HOMOSEXUALY.“I THK A PARTICULARLY DARK PART OF THIS MOVEMENT IS THAT B RELIGN AND PEOPLE'S NNECTN WH SOMETHG GREATER WH PSDO PSYCHOLOGY,” STOLAKIS TELLS THE DAILY BEAST. “WHEN YOU GROW UP A MUNY WHERE YOU’RE GETTG A MSAGE THAT YOU ARE SICK AND SFUL, THERE IS TREMENDO MOTIVATN TO WANT TO TRY TO CHANGE THAT.”STOLAKIS GREW UP A CATHOLIC FAY AND LEARNED THAT HER UNCLE HAD GONE THROUGH NVERSN THERAPY. FOR MUCH OF HIS ADULT LIFE, HE EXPERIENCED PRSN, ANXIETY, IATNS OF SUICI, OBSSIVE PULSIVE DISORR, AND ADDICTN. PART OF THE REASON SHE WANTED TO MAKE PRAY AWAY WAS TO HAVE A BETTER UNRSTANDG OF WHY, FOR SO MANY YEARS, HE HAD NTUED TO BELIEVE THAT HE ULD CHANGE—OR “NVERT”—AND PARTICIPATE A BELIEF SYSTEM ANTHETIL TO WHO HE WAS.“I REALLY THK A LOT OF THE PUBLIC DON'T UNRSTAND THIS MOVEMENT UNLS YOU LIVE ONE OF THE MUNI,” STOLAKIS SAYS. “AND IF YOU LIVE ONE OF THE MUNI, 'S LIKE THE AIR YOU BREATHE.” ADVERTISEMENT IT’S TIMATED THAT APPROXIMATELY 700,000 PEOPLE HAVE GONE THROUGH A FORM OF NVERSN THERAPY THE UNED STAT. A NATNAL SURVEY FOUND THAT LGBTQ YOUTH WHO EXPERIENCED NVERSN THERAPY WERE MORE THAN TWICE AS LIKELY TO ATTEMPT SUICI.ACTIVISTS HAVE WORKED HARD TO PH POLICIANS TO BAN THE PRACTICE, AND HAVE BEEN SUCCSFUL PASSG LEGISLATN SEVERAL STAT MAKG ILLEGAL. BUT THOSE BILLS ONLY BAN THE PRACTICE OM LICENSED THERAPISTS. WHERE THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN HAPPENG, THE CHURCH AND RELIG MUNI, STILL THRIV AND IS PROTECTED BY LAW. “MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE WAS STCTURED AROUND NOT BEG GAY.” “THIS IS A MSAGE THAT WE HOPE OUR FILM SENDS, WHICH IS THAT AS LONG AS SOME VERSN OF HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA EXIST, SOME VERSN OF THE NVERSN THERAPI WILL NTUE,” STOLAKIS SAYS.IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR HER TO FEATURE LEARS OF THE EX-GAY MOVEMENT WHO HAVE SCE APOLOGIZED FOR THEIR VOLVEMENT AND SPOKEN OUT ABOUT S HARM; SHE WANTED TO SHOW CURRENT LEARS AND ANIZATNS THAT THERE IS A PATH OUT. BUT EVEN IF FLUENTIAL ANIZATNS LIKE EXOD INTERNATNAL HAVE SHUTTERED, THE MOVEMENT IS AS STRONG AS EVER.“I WISH I ULD SAY SOMETHG ROSY, THAT THIS LLECTN OF LEARS HAS FECTED, THEREFORE THIS IS GOG AWAY,” STOLAKIS SAYS. “IT’S NOT THE SE. THERE ARE ALWAYS GOG TO BE NEW LEARS SENTIALLY TRAG, READY TO TAKE THIS PLACE IF THIS LARGER CULTURE OF HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA NTU.” ADVERTISEMENT A CCIAL VOICE PRAY AWAY IS THAT OF JULIE RODGERS, WHO WAS A TEENAGER WHEN SHE STARTED WORKG WH LIVG HOPE, AN AFFILIATE MISTRY OF EXOD INTERNATNAL. SHE GREW UP A NSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN FAY THAT WAS HEAVILY VOLVED THE CHURCH. WHEN SHE WAS 16, SHE ME OUT AS GAY TO HER MOTHER, WHO BEME ANTIC AND EVENTUALLY GOT HER DGHTER A MEETG WH RICK CHELETTE, THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF LIVG HOPE.CHELETTE PROMISED RODGERS’ FAY THAT HE WOULD “HEAL” HER, PART BY INTIFYG SOMETHG HER PAST—SEXUAL ABE, STRAED RELATNSHIPS WH A PARENT—THAT GAYNS ULD BE “BLAMED” ON.RODGERS EVENTUALLY BEME SO VOLVED WH LIVG HOPE THAT SHE WOULD MOVE TO A LIVE- REVERY HOE AND RISE TO BEE ONE OF S MOST POPULAR SPEAKERS, TRAVELG THE UNTRY TO PREACH ABOUT HER JOURNEY AND ENDORSE THE ANIZATN. “MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE WAS STCTURED AROUND NOT BEG GAY,” SHE SAYS. SHE WAS TOLD TO GIVE UP PORN AND PLAYG SOFTBALL, AND TO WEAR MORE MAKP TO FEMIZE HER APPEARANCE. SHE FELT PELLED TO NFS EVERY LBIAN URGE AND LAPSE GENR EXPRSN TO CHELETTE. BUT WHEN SHE WAS SEXUALLY ASSLTED WHILE LLEGE, NO ONE AT LIVG HOPE OR AT EXOD OFFERED HELP OR UNSEL. THEY SEEMED LARGELY AT A LOSS WH WHAT TO DO ABOUT . IT’S THEN SHE REALIZED THAT THIS WASN’T A MUNY. SHE WAS BEG ED AS A PROP, MOLD OM A YOUNG AGE WHEN SHE WAS EMOTNALLY VULNERABLE.WHEN SHE FIRST WATCHED THE FISHED PRAY AWAY FILM, SHE STGGLED WHILE LISTENG TO FORMER LEARS, MANY OF WHOM SHE KNEW PERSONALLY AND ONCE SPOKE ALONGSI AT RELIG NFERENC, G TO TERMS NOW WH ALL THE PA THEY ED AND GRAPPLG WH THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS. ADVERTISEMENT “I HAVE REALLY BEEN TRYG TO REMA OPEN TO THEIR HUMANY,” RODGERS SAYS. “IT’S REALLY, REALLY HARD BEG HUMAN. I KNOW THAT AND I KNOW THAT NOBODY BENEFS BY ME RELIGATG THEIR PAST BEHAVR. ALL I N DO IS MEET THEM WHERE THEY ARE NOW. WE DON’T HAVE TO BE BT IENDS, BUT WE DO HAVE THE SHARED GOAL OF WANTG NOBODY ELSE TO GO THROUGH THIS. I WISH THEY HAD WANTED 10 YEARS EARLIER. ALL THAT MATTERS IS WHAT THEY’RE DOG TODAY.”RODGERS IS NOW MARRIED TO HER WIFE, AMANDA. THEIR WEDDG WAS A CHURCH THAT EMBRAC THE LGBT MUNY. “IT WAS REALLY REMPTIVE TO BE THIS PLACE WHERE THAT HAS BEEN A SOURCE OF SO MUCH SHAME FOR ME AND AMANDA BOTH,” RODGERS SAYS. “TO HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE E AROUND AND CELEBRATE AND CELEBRATE OUR LOVE, SPECIFILLY OUR GAY, LBIAN LOVE THAT SPACE. AND FOR A PRIT TO BE LIKE, ‘OK, Y’ALL KISS NOW, RIGHT HERE AT THE ALTAR,’ WAS SO CREDIBLY HEALG AND REMPTIVE.”STOLAKIS AND RODGERS’ URGENCY MAKG PRAY AWAY STEMMED PART OM A SIRE TO BATTLE THE ASSUMPTN THAT 2021, WHEN “WOKE” AND “CLIVY” ARE BUZZWORDS, PRACTIC LIKE GAY NVERSN THERAPY DON’T EXIST ANYMORE. WHEN POP CULTURE TURNS THE NCEPT OF GAY NVERSTN THERAPY TO A JOKE, AS SHOWS LIKE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE HAVE DONE SEVERAL TIM RECENT YEARS, FOSTERS AN ASSUMPTN THAT, BEE ’S BEG LGHED OFF, MT NOT BE A SER PROBLEM MORN SOCIETY.ANECDOTALLY, THEY’VE OBSERVED THE OPPOSE. THE MORE PROGRSIVE CERTA PARTS OF SOCIETY BEE, THE MORE AGGRSIVE AND PROTECTIVE THE MUNI ARE OF WHAT THEY NSIR TO BE MORALLY UPRIGHT AND PURE LIFTYL.“THERE’S FELY A SENSE WHICH WE ARE SEEG POLARIZATN AND WE ARE SEEG MORE PEOPLE THAT I’M NNECTED TO STILL THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT REALLY DIGGG THEIR HEELS AND DOUBLG DOWN,” ROGERS SAYS, ADDG THAT LIVG HOPE IS LARGER AND MORE FLUENTIAL THAN EVER.“I THK IS A MISTAKE IF WE LOOK AT THIS AS A RED VERS BLUE ISSUE, AS REPUBLIN VERS DEMOCRAT,” STOLAKIS SAYS. “THIS IS NOT THAT. WE’RE TALKG ABOUT MAKG SURE PEOPLE ARE MORE OR NOT MORE LIKELY TO KILL THEMSELV. THAT’S WHAT WE'RE TALKG ABOUT. THERE’S NO ROOM FOR POLICS. WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT PEOPLE ARE SAFE.” KEV FALLON

But the current wave is far more centralized, beg led by pennt thors and personali who are embedd the nservative Christian world rather than segregated to an issue-specific views differ ever so slightly om the next while orbg tightly to siar them, such as the possibily of “former homosexuals” havg a healthy heterosexual marriage, differentiatg between one’s behavr and inty, and a ubiquo, if obligatory, nod to church’ historil failur to love people who intify as of the movement’s most articulate lears is Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, a former women’s studi profsor at Syrace Universy who says she “adopted a lbian inty” her 20s as a rult of beg fluenced by femist philosophy. For Butterfield, homosexualy is not an inty that scrib who a person is but, rather, a sful actn that a person do — but n stop preach her gospel of change through her popular books, speech at Christian nferenc and church, and is the unmistakable msage of the life she now liv.

I WAS 19, GAY AND READY TO BE ‘CURED’ BY NVERSN THERAPY

”When I prsed her, the thor of “Gay Girl, Good God: The Story of Who I Was and Who God Has Always Been” said that she has never met anyone who has experienced a plete change sexual orientatn, but she add that she has read stori about people who have. At least not claims that his parents’ divorce and an experience of sexual asslt created same-sex sir him at a young age, but he preach that J is helpg him overe his homosexual I spoke to him, he said he “had to make a choice of my fah over my feelgs. Many Amerins believed at the time that homosexualy was a mere matter of choice, and worse, a s that would endanger one’s eternal their mds, same-sex-attracted Christians who wanted to live a life of hols uld supprs their sexual sir through some mixture of prayer, spirual disciple and therapy.

Mistri and anizatns rose up and preached the ex-gay eventually the movement was plagued by shiftg public opn, and ex-gay Christiany’s most proment lears began repudiatg the movement and tellg the tth about s failur. Crics, though, say the study's subjects may be ludg themselv and that the subject group was scientifilly valid bee many of them were referred by anti-gay relig Robert Spzer, a psychiatry profsor at Columbia Universy, said he began his study as a skeptic — believg, as major mental health anizatns do, that sexual orientatn nnot be changed, and attempts to do so n even e Spzer's study, which has not yet been published or reviewed, seems to dite otherwise. Spzer says he spoke to 143 men and 57 women who say they changed their orientatn om gay to straight, and nclud that 66 percent of the men and 44 percent of women reached what he lled good heterosexual functng — a staed, lovg heterosexual relatnship wh the past year and gettg enough emotnal satisfactn to rate at least a seven on a 10-pot said those who changed their orientatn had satisfyg heterosexual sex at least monthly and never or rarely thought of someone of the same sex durg also found that 89 percent of men and 95 percent of women were bothered not at all or only slightly by unwanted homosexual feelgs.

Spzer argu that highly motivated gays n fact change that preference — wh a lot of Study, Old DebateBut crics have challenged the study, even before was formally unveiled at today's ssn of the Amerin Psychiatric Associatn's annual meetg New Orleans, which was jammed wh televisn meras reportg on the prentatn.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* CONVERTING FROM GAY

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ease--out;}{lor:#000000;-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;}</style><a emProp="em" href="//life/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Life" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Life</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="1" /></li><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-zxq36b e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="//life/sex-relatnships/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Sex & Relatnships" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Sex & Relatnships</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="2" /></li><style data-emotn="css huh8md">{display:none;}{paddg:0.25rem;ntent:">";}</style><li emProp="emListElement" emSpe emType=" class="css-huh8md e9l0kn01"><a emProp="em" href="//life/sex-relatnships/a14379/homosexual-ocd/" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Breadcmbs" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" class="e9l0kn00 css-10e6ywj e1c1bym14"><span emProp="name">Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay</span></a><meta emProp="posn" ntent="3" /></li></ol></nav><style data-emotn="css g4r5va">{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-weight:normal;grid-lumn:1/-1;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;marg-top:0.9375rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:2rem;le-height:1.25;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:2.625rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:3.125rem;le-height:1.1;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem){{font-size:3.37499rem;le-height:1.1;}}</style><h1 class="css-g4r5va exadjwu10"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p0"></span>Meet The Straight Men Who Are Terrified They Are Gay<span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></h1><style data-emotn="css 2qf7xf">{lor:#515150;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-weight:normal;marg-bottom:0.625rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.0625rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:1.3125rem;le-height:1.3;}} a{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:#000000;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;} a:hover{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><div class="css-2qf7xf exadjwu8"><p>Is 'Homosexual OCD' - the fear of beg gay, spe beg straight - jt ternalised homophobia, or a ser psychologil disorr?</p></div><style data-emotn="css d04ng2">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;marg-bottom:0.625rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}} span{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0rem;text-transform:palize;}@media(max-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 48rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){ span{font-size:0.875rem;le-height:1.4;}}</style><div class="css-d04ng2 exadjwu7"><style data-emotn="css 1eqkg5m">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-style:normal;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><addrs class="css-1eqkg5m ehvvd9m2"><style data-emotn="css 19e0noj">{lor:#161616;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;letter-spacg:0.02rem;paddg-right:0.3125rem;text-transform:upperse;-webk-text-stroke:0.005rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.4;}}@media(m-width: 40.625rem){{font-size:0.70003rem;le-height:1.3;}}</style><span class="css-19e0noj ehvvd9m1"><style data-emotn="css 1sa04t">{borr-radi:50%;vertil-align:middle;marg-right:0.3125rem;object-f:ver;}</style><img src="" alt="Headshot of Nick Pope" tle="Headshot of Nick Pope" width="40" height="40" dg="async" fetchPrry="high" class=" css-1sa04t ehvvd9m0" />By <style data-emotn="css 7l5upj">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:0.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:her;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:all 0.3s ease--out;transn:all 0.3s ease--out;}{lor:#595959;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;}</style><a href="//thor/16323/nick-pope/" class="css-7l5upj e1c1bym14">Nick Pope</a></span></addrs></div></div></div></hear><style data-emotn="css 149neno">{marg-left:to;marg-right:to;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;max-width:m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2));} .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2);width:100vw;}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){ .e152u5os0{marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2) - 3.5rem);}}@media(m-width: 90rem){ .e152u5os0{paddg-left:0.1rem;paddg-right:0.1rem;marg-left:lc(lc((100vw - m(lc(20.625rem * 2 - 1rem), lc(100vw - 1rem * 2)))/-2));}}</style><div class="longform-ntaer ntent-ntaer article-ntaer css-149neno ewisyje2"><style data-emotn="css z6i669">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;posn:relative;}@media(m-width: 48rem){{paddg-left:3.5rem;paddg-right:3.5rem;}}@media(m-width: 48rem) and (max-width: 61.25rem){{max-width:45.25rem;marg-left:to;marg-right:to;}}@media(m-width: 61.25rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 73.75rem) and (max-width: 100rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}}@media(m-width: 90rem){{paddg-left:0rem;paddg-right:0rem;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}{clear:both;ntent:" ";display:block;font-size:0.7rem;le-height:1.5rem;height:0rem;visibily:hidn;}</style><div class="article-body-ntent article-body longform-body css-z6i669 ewisyje7"><style data-emotn="css 1nhwtgm">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;}{float:left;text-transform:upperse;font-weight:bold;marg-right:0.9375rem;marg-bottom:-0.625rem;marg-top:0;}{font-fay:Glanz,Glanz-fallback,Tim,Serif;font-size:6.25rem;font-weight:normal;le-height:0.75;marg-right:0;paddg:0.6rem 0.75rem 0 0;}@-moz-document url-prefix(){{marg-top:0.625rem;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){{marg-right:0.3125rem;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{le-height:0.75;}} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="0" class="body-dropp css-1nhwtgm et3p2gv0">Hunched nu the glow of his iMac, 17-year-old Darren* typed the words 'gay porn' to Google for the first time.</p><style data-emotn="css 18vfmjb">{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-size:1.1875rem;le-height:1.6;} em{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-style:alic;} strong{font-fay:Charter,Geia,Tim,Serif;font-weight:bold;}</style><p data-no-id="1" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"I didn't fancy men," he tells me. "I had a girliend, and only ever had sexual feelgs for women, but I jt uldn't shake the ia that I was somehow lyg to myself."</p><p data-no-id="2" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He plugged his headphon, clicked on an X-rated vio and took a ep breath. It was around 3am, the summer of 2007, and relentls fears of homosexualy had tormented him sce the start of the year. "I jt woke up one day and I was sudnly obssed wh . It felt like everythg I thought I knew about myself was fallg apart. It didn't make any sense."</p><p data-no-id="3" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He watched, expectg somethg signifint to stir upstairs or down. But there was nothg. Feelg equal measure victory and feat, Darren swched off the monor, laid flat on his bed and wrtled wh his doubts for a few more hours before fally surrenrg to sleep. He rried out the same tt almost every night for the next three weeks, always wh the same rult.</p><p data-no-id="4" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">After searchg Inter mental health foms for answers to his private impasse, Darren beme nvced that he was sufferg om 'HOCD': a not officially regnised form of Obssive Compulsive Disorr fed by the fear of beg or beg homosexual. </p><p data-no-id="5" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">A has passed sce Darren's self-diagnosis and subsequent therapy, but 'HOCD' still remas a divisive subject wh some sectns of the psychologil healthre muny. Now 26, he is keen to raise awarens for what he believ to be a misunrstood and potentially life-g anxiety disorr.</p><p data-no-id="6" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"> "I was fobbed off by therapists who jt thought that I mt be gay. I don't want that happeng to anybody else."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="7" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 1eiql25">{text-align:center;marg:0rem;paddg-top:0.9375rem;paddg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><style data-emotn="css ow0dpz">{borr:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;borr-radi:100%;ntent:'';display:block;height:2.1875rem;left:50%;marg:-0.99rem to 0 -1.33rem;posn:absolute;width:2.1875rem;}</style><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><style data-emotn="css la9czl">{font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;le-height:1.2;marg:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){{font-size:1.75rem;le-height:1.2;}}@media(m-width: 64rem){{font-size:2.375rem;le-height:1.2;}} b, strong{font-fay:her;font-weight:bold;} em, i{font-fay:her;font-style:alic;}{ntent:'"';display:block;font-fay:Lsanne,Lsanne-fallback,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:3.4375rem;le-height:0.72;font-style:alic;paddg:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;}</style><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"Oh my God, I've jt noticed a guy and thought he was good lookg. Do that mean…"</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="8" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Avy Joseph is an accreded</strong> Cognive Behavural Therapist and lecturer wh 25 years experience treatg anxiety disorrs. While he asserts that 'HOCD', an acronym ed by sufferers sharg their stori onle, isn't officially classified the Diagnostic and Statistil Manual of Mental Disorrs (DSM), he says that the irratnal fear of beg or beg gay falls firmly wh the umbrella of Obssive Compulsive Disorr.</p><p data-no-id="9" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"Someone will tell me that they were walkg down the street and saw a guy, and thought: 'Oh, he's really good lookg.' But then they thk: 'oh my God, I've jt noticed a guy and thought he was good lookg. Do that mean…'" </p><p data-no-id="10" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Acrdg to Joseph, 's at such nocuo begngs that a self-perpetuatg and all-nsumg obssn wh sexual inty n beg. "The more you sist that you mtn't have a particular thought, gus what happens? You're gog to have hundreds of them," he tells me. "That anxiety, and then you start to thk more unrealistilly. The abily to thk a probabilistic way go out the wdow. Then you ask yourself: 'How n I be absolutely sure that the thoughts won't e back?' And then of urse you start mandg certaty…"</p><p data-no-id="11" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">A monly held misnceptn about OCD is that sufferers are all fixated wh ntamatn and uniformy. The tth is, for many, OCD has nothg to do wh overworked light swch or pulsive hand scbbg, and all to do wh tsive, relentls, and often distrsg thoughts that swarm around their heads on a daily basis.</p><p data-no-id="12" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Ltle rearch has been published on the rat of sexual obssn OCD sufferers, but a <style data-emotn="css umdwtv">{-webk-text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn:unrle;text-ratn-thickns:.0625rem;text-ratn-lor:#FF3A30;text-unrle-offset:0.25rem;lor:her;-webk-transn:background 0.4s;transn:background 0.4s;background:lear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #d5dbe3 50%, #d5dbe3);-webk-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}{lor:#000000;text-ratn-lor:borr-lk-body-hover;-webk-background-posn:100% 100%;background-posn:100% 100%;}</style><a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="recent study g a sample of 293 subjects" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">recent study g a sample of 293 subjects</a> found that 25% experienced tsive sexual thoughts. And while analysis is srce, a Google search reveals a seemgly endls scroll of people sharg their 'HOCD' experienc on foms, and YouTube vios on the topic often wrack up tens of thoands of views.</p><p data-no-id="13" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Aaron Harvey, founr of non-prof OCD awarens project <a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0"></a>, is a former sufferer who found aterny on the ter. "[There was] solace the stori of teens on YouTube, and hope om olr generatns sharg experienc and treatment remendatns. If were not for this muny, I may not have ma ," he tells me.</p><p data-no-id="14" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">From the age of 11, Aaron was plagued by sexually tsive thoughts, culmatg suici iatns at the age of 21. For him, was a full-time afflictn. "Sufferers will spend hours per day 'checkg' or 'ttg' themselv to try to get to the 'tth' about their sexual inty. I would nstantly check levels of aroal. Objectively asss my stctive attractn towards femal and my lack of tert the male form. I even had obssns that I was actually love wh my former partner's brother." </p><p data-no-id="15" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Acrdg to Aaron, four out of five people get tsive thoughts, but one fifty fd them much harr to dismiss, quickly velopg to an all-nsumg obssn.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="16" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"Sufferers will spend hours per day 'checkg' or 'ttg' themselv to try to get to the 'tth' about their sexual inty."</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="17" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">He says the tsive thoughts n often lead sufferers to make drastic life cisns. "They may go as far as to plan g out to fay and iends, all the while not believg they are gay. In relatnships they may whdraw om their partners emotnally and physilly, bee when you fear that you don't know who you are, you bee paranoid you may be sellg a lie to the person you love the most."</p><p data-no-id="18" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But what someone to fear the prospect of beg gay the first place? Darren says he grew up a "liberal-ish" hoehold and believ that homosexualy would have been accepted by his fay and iends, but 's easy to see how a ls tolerant upbrgg uld turn homosexualy to a e for anxiety. Aaron, for example, grew up a relig home Orlando, Florida, and attend a private Christian school: "Tryg to n om [what he'd been told were] vlent, blasphemo and v thoughts was extremely paful. I had no sense of inty. I had no ia who I was."</p><p data-no-id="19" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Rose Bretécher, btsellg thor of OCD memoir <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor"><a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Pure O" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">Pure O</a></em>, also experienced tsive doubts about homosexualy, nstantly fearg that her life as a straight woman was a lie. "OCD is sometim lled the 'doubtg disease', bee sufferers stggle wh this kd of uncertaty," she says. "The more I soul-searched, the worse the doubts and acpanyg sexual mental imag got. My sense of self was slippg away, g chaos, anxiety and prsn." She had no way of distguishg whether the thoughts she was experiencg were merely tsive or te reflectns of her sexualy.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="20" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><style data-emotn="css 10klw3m">{height:100%;}</style><div data-embed="youtube" class="embed align-center css-10klw3m ez8lbhw1"><style data-emotn="css 63r9na">{-webk-align-ems:center;-webk-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-ems:center;display:-webk-box;display:-webk-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webk-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webk-jtify-ntent:center;jtify-ntent:center;m-height:10rem;background-lor:#F5F5F5;lor:#000;-webk-flex-directn:lumn;-ms-flex-directn:lumn;flex-directn:lumn;height:100%;marg-bottom:0.9375rem;}</style><div class="css-63r9na ez8lbhw0"><style data-emotn="css 1msakm2">{width:3.125rem;height:3.125rem;}</style><img data-dynamic-svg src="/_assets/sign-tokens/e/static/ins/social/;id=lk-out-embed" loadg="lazy" alt="youtube in" height="to" width="to" class="css-1msakm2 ez8lbhw2" /><a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" href=" aria-label="View full post on Youtube" class="css-0 e1c1bym14">View full post on Youtube</a></div></div></div><p data-no-id="21" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Nowadays, the majory of tablished OCD chari – cludg OCDUK, OCDActn and Md - addrs tsive sexual thoughts as a mon trope of the disorr, but that has done ltle to stem a backlash om some high-profile skeptics wh the psychologil muny, who believe that HOCD is at bt misguid, and at worst homophobia s most pernic guise.</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="22" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"My psychologist jt looked bored and hand me a leaflet"</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="23" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">In November 2015, </strong><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em> UK's LGBT edor Patrick Stdwick published an article tled '<a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn=""World's Leadg Anxiety Expert" Offers Treatment For People Who Worry That They're Gay" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">"World's Leadg Anxiety Expert" Offers Treatment For People Who Worry That They're Gay</a>' that heavily cricised the practice of a Harley Street therapist named Charl Ln who, acrdg to the se, boasted of a "100% succs rate" the treatment of "HOCD".</p><p data-no-id="24" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">At the time the article was wrten, Ln's publishers were dubbg him as "the world's leadg thory on anxiety", and his webse ma hefty promis to sexually-nfed OCD sufferers. "If you are experiencg HOCD … and the thoughts ," the se read, "you are not gay and when you do my Method to elimate this and your other anxieti you'll fd out why you thk you might be and why you certaly are NOT!"</p><p data-no-id="25" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">In their report, <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em> revealed that Ln lacked any medil, psychiatric or psychotheraptic trag, ultimately managg to get his practice disavowed by two major mental health anisatns that had prevly featured as endorsements. He has sce troduced a number of veats on his webse, and remas as Google's featured rult for the search 'HOCD'.</p><p data-no-id="26" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em>'s skepticism wasn't aimed solely at Ln's shaky crentials and clumsy phrasg but also towards the credibily of sexualy-centred OCDs as a whole, and the ethics of therapists who seek to treat . They terviewed a number of proment mental health profsnals on the matter, who echoed the argument that the ncept of 'HOCD' was seeped homophobia and psdo psychology.</p><p data-no-id="27" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Elizabeth Peel, chair of the Brish Psychologil Society's 'Psychology of Sexuali' sectn and a profsor of Communitn & Social Interactn at Loughborough Universy, stat wh the piece that: "The term 'Homosexual OCD' is simply nversn therapy unr another guise and somethg we strongly nmn as damagg."</p><p data-no-id="28" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">She went on to say: "People should be wary of the way this therapy is beg promoted, and there are no published peer-reviewed studi to back up the claims that are beg ma."</p><p data-no-id="29" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Profsor Dh Bhuga, a former print of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, also cricised the practice, tellg <em data-redactor-tag="em" data-verified="redactor">BuzzFeed</em>: "HOCD is not a regnised ndn. By 'creatg' such a ndn there is a ser danger of medilisg normal human emotns and turng lots of people who are var stag of g out, and for var reasons are stgglg to accept their sexualy, to 'ill' dividuals."</p><p data-no-id="30" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">It's clear that the term 'HOCD', ed by onle sufferers and unregnised by the DSM (which only referenc obssns wh "sexual imagery"), n act as a muddyg misnomer the nversatn around tsive sexual thoughts. Even Bretécher believ the phrase is a "ltle misleadg", and the anisatn OCDUK has warned that such unendorsed acronyms provi unnecsary nfn to sufferers and mental health profsnals alike.</p><p data-no-id="31" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And yet spe the nmnatns, the treatment of tsive sexual thoughts has across-the-board regnn wh the OCD muny. Is jt a matter of semantics? Or do pot to a eper disagreement?</p><p data-no-id="32" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">I asked Elizabeth Peel to clarify her "nversn therapy" ments. In rponse she wrote: "The pot I was makg was that 'Homosexual OCD', as I unrstand , is very siar to 'ternalised homophobia'. The ma issue is not to treat same-sex sexualy as somethg that is problematic."</p><p data-no-id="33" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Aaron believ this is a misterpretatn of the problem at hand. "The statement that 'HOCD is nversn therapy unr another guise' breaks my heart," he tells me over email. "It monstrat the pomp of amia and the fundamental divi between their muny and ours. Misrmatn is everywhere. And 's not jt msage foms, 's g om the mouths of therapists, relig unselors, psychologists and psychiatrists who fundamentally do not unrstand OCD. Th, the explosn of onle muni."</p><p data-no-id="34" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">When Darren suffered a "kd of breakdown" 2007, he looked to the NHS for help. "The thoughts were gettg impossible to live wh, so I drove to the hospal and they sat me down wh what I thk was a psychologist. I opened up about how I was feelg, but he looked bored and said: "Well, maybe you're jt gay" and hand me a leaflet. That set me back a long way."</p><div supprsHydratnWarng data-no-id="35" data-embed="pullquote" class="embed css-0 e9hzx6g0"><blockquote class="css-1eiql25 e1pe3zr91"><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-ow0dpz eagam8p0"></span><blockquote class="css-la9czl e1pe3zr90">"I'm certaly not terted nvertg gay men to straight men."</blockquote><span aria-hidn="te" class="css-0 eagam8p1"></span></blockquote></div><p data-no-id="36" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Peel's reference to gay nversn therapy</strong> - the wholly discreded and dangero effort to 'cure' homosexualy - certaly darkens the tone of the nversatn. And an age where even the <a data-trackg-id="recirc-text-lk" href=" target="_blank" data-vars-ga-outbound-lk=" data-vars-ga-ux-element="Hyperlk" data-vars-ga-ll-to-actn="Vice Print of the Uned Stat has exprsed tac support for the practice" class="body-lk css-umdwtv et3p2gv0">Vice Print of the Uned Stat has exprsed tac support for the practice</a>, 's unrstandable that high profile figur the psychologil muny would nmn anythg that uld fuel the rhetoric of homophobic 'therapists', or provi party-le approval of their methods. After all, spe recent headways by LGBT groups and nunciatn om former Print Barrack Obama, gay nversn therapy is still legal across the US and only six stat have banned the practice relatn to mors. It's clear that, Ameri at least, the fight is far om over.</p><p data-no-id="37" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">But uld be that this kd of soc-polilly vigilant thkg might impe our abily to engage wh this particular mental health disorr a nuanced manner? While attempts to dismiss the ndn may be well-tentned, they risk leavg sufferers whout proper psychiatric help.</p><p data-no-id="38" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"As a gay man, I'm certaly not terted nvertg gay men to straight men. Sexualy is anic as far as I'm ncerned," Avy Joseph says when I brg up the subject of nversn therapy. </p><p data-no-id="39" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If a client who is gay but anx about the nsequenc of acceptg themselv or g out go to a therapist who has an agenda about homosexualy, then of urse that therapist isn't workg the bt tert of their clients. I image they exist, but I've never met one who would publicly say homosexualy is wrong. It's pletely uhil."</p><p data-no-id="40" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Rose Bretécher believ the accatn HOCD is jt 'ternalised homophobia' is rrect, but don't blame anyone for leapg to such a ncln: "People's unrstandg is only as good as the rmatn available out there – and awarens is still pretty poor. I thk cur skepticism is healthy and that personal ttimony alone don't prove much. But thankfully no-one has to take my word for – go read the huge amount of objective rmatn available on specialist OCD web-s and chari."</p><p data-no-id="41" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Joseph tells me that he has never had a gay person e to him wh tsive thoughts about heterosexualy, but ttimony exists on Inter foms, and the OCD Center of Los Angel stat that do happen. "Over the years, therapists here […] have treated many homosexuals (male and female) who are plagued by obssive fears of beg "straight", and who suffer equally when OCD attacks their sexual inty," stat their webse, which also offers an onle HOCD tt. "It is not exclive to heterosexuals. At s re, sexual orientatn OCD is the fear of not knowg for sure, paired wh the fear of never beg able to have a healthy, lovg relatnship wh a partner to whom one feels genuely attracted."</p><p data-no-id="42" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">Which brgs to perhaps the most important qutn: how n a therapist tell the difference between an OCD sufferer experiencg tsive and irratnal sexual thoughts, and a person gog through a difficult procs of sexual realisatn?</p><p data-no-id="43" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"You'd make an asssment," says Joseph, who practic a variant of Cognive Behavural Therapy lled Ratnal Emotive Therapy. "You'd ask qutns about whether they fd men sexually arog, or whether they have wet dreams about men, and whether they are exced by the ia of sex wh men.[…] If the asssment is that the person is not gay, bee you believe as a therapist that there is no evince, that do not mean they have ternalised homophobia. They're jt askg themselv: why did I have this thought?"</p><p data-no-id="44" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And the treatment?</p><p data-no-id="45" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"The person who has OCD is highly anx about this obtsive thought. Once they accept the thought, then be apparent that their OCD disappears. Instead of fightg the thought, they've accepted whout addg any meang to . The whole therapy I practice is based on acceptance."</p><p data-no-id="46" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">And what if turns out that the patient is gay, after all? </p><p data-no-id="47" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If someone is fearful of beg gay bee beg gay reprents to them abandonment by their fay, or rejectn, or experiencg vlence or abe, then you would help them to accept themselv unndnally as a gay man."</p><p data-no-id="48" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong data-redactor-tag="strong" data-verified="redactor">Ironilly, acceptance rts at the heart</strong> of both sis' arguments; acceptance of thought, sexualy and self. And 's impossible to know how far apart people actually stand on the issue, given the way that the ntroversy blurs the bate.</p><p data-no-id="49" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"If the path to treatment is facilated through an onle muny that has ed a theme lled HOCD, how is that hurtg people?" argu Aaron. "Onle muni sharg mon experienc to better unrstand their ndn is cril to a global society." </p><p data-no-id="50" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">That beg said, he strs that an OCD diagnosis om a clil psychologist is val. "Remember, everyone has tsive thoughts about sexualy. So tsive thoughts about your sexual inty alone are not enough to know you have OCD."</p><p data-no-id="51" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"> Ten years and two psychologists after that first, ght experiment wh gay porn, Darren still suffers recurrg bouts of OCD, but not around his inty as a straight man. "My anxiety n be fueled by a lot of stuff, but I jt do the same thg I was tght to do wh fears about sexualy. </p><p data-no-id="52" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0">"Accept , let the thought pass, and move on."</p><p data-no-id="53" class="css-18vfmjb et3p2gv0"><strong><em>Like this article? 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