Men and Women as Friends – When One is Gay or Lbian | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS
• MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN
• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?
• CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?
• THE RELATN BETWEEN WOMEN'S BODY TEEM AND IENDSHIPS WH GAY MEN
• WHY ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN SUCH GOOD IENDS? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RELATNSHIP ADVICE: STUDY
• GAY MEN, STRAIGHT WOMEN: ENDURG BONDS
• WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE
• ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT
• I’M THAT GAY GUY WH ALL FEMALE IENDS
• WHY DO GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT WOMEN MAKE SUCH GREAT IENDS?
• WHY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WANT GAY MALE IENDS: A PREVLY UNDISVERED STRATEGY TO PREVENT MATG CEPTN AND SEXUAL EXPLOATN

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another. Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another. If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another.

In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys.

Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person. We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships.

MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN

"several gay men the sample intified their straight woman iend as potentially providg accs to a fay life that volv children; there were no siar discsns the lbian-straight man dyads". Dpe this apparent betrayal, when a 2003 TV movie tried to pat Ronald Reagan as a vilent homophobe, Hudson's former lover Marc Christian wrote an open letter to CBS, sayg, "The notn that Print Reagan was a homophobe strik me as silly beyond belief....

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur.

Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well? Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man.

I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

Crackg the why and whenRecently, my lleagu and I at the Universy of Texas at Arlgton veloped a seri of four related tled the four studi "Why (and When) Straight Women Tst Gay Men: Ulterr Matg Motiv and Female Competn, " wh the hope of better tablishg why straight women tst gay men and when straight women would be most likely to seek out gay men for iendship and the first study, I wanted to replite the fdg that women tst gay men more than straight men or straight women. This time, however, I wanted to see if women would only tst gay men's datg-related advice as opposed to other typ of turns out straight women only tsted a gay man's advice about a potential boyiend more than the same advice om, say, a straight man or another straight woman.

It really only had to do wh one thg: datg and further exame why this might be the se, we had women image receivg rmatn om eher a straight woman, straight man, or a gay man about their physil appearance and the dateabily of potential boyiends. We then asked the women how scere they felt the rpons expected, the female subjects seemed to perceive the judgments g om the gay man to be more scere bee they knew that he wouldn't have any ulterr motiv—whether that meant woog the subject (which they might spect of straight men) or petg for the same romantic partner (straight women) the fal two studi, we wanted to figure out when women were most likely to beiend and place their tst gay men.

We predicted that this would most often occur highly petive datg environments, where a tstworthy source like a gay iend would be valued by women jockeyg wh one another for a tt this, we created a fake news article that tailed extremely skewed sex rats, ditg that women llege were petg over a very small pool of men. We had women read this news article and then dite how much they would tst a straight woman or a gay man var datg-related women read the news article about the creased petn, their tst gay men was amplified.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

Not only were women more apt to tst gay men unr this ndn, but we also found that they beme more willg to make gay male datg adviceThe downsi is that if a straight woman valu her gay male iends only for datg advice, the relatnship uld bee que superficial (see Chris Rtta's say "I'm Gay, Not Your Accsory"). However, the strong tst that women ially form wh gay men n serve as a primer; eventually, this tst uld extend to other areas, wh the iendship blossomg over fdgs—bed wh our own—show that there seems to be an extremely strong psychologil unrpng for why women are so drawn to gay stance, a recent study the Journal of Bs and Psychology revealed that straight women tend to hire gay men over other heterosexual dividuals bee they perceive gay men to be more petent and warmer.

THE RELATN BETWEEN WOMEN'S BODY TEEM AND IENDSHIPS WH GAY MEN

Furthermore, marketg rearchers have suggted that straight women prefer to work wh gay male sal associat over others nsumer retail two fdgs alone uld have many posive implitns for gay men the workplace.

Although much of this rearch foc on why women are drawn to iendships wh gay men, another obv avenue of exploratn is whether or not gay men are siarly keen to form iendships wh straight women.

For example, a study I nducted 2013, I found that gay men also look to women for tstworthy datg advice or tips for fdg a prospective rearchers have suggted that gay men value the posive attus towards homosexualy that women tend to have (relative to straight men) this se, the implic tst seems to be a two-way Rsell is a Ph. McKie noted that the straight men felt their gay iend was able to make succsful troductns to straight women bee the women tsted their gay male iends to troduce them to a good person. The lack of petn for the same prospective partners allows the iendship to flourish a way that may be hred to some gree for gay or straight men iendships wh men who share the same sexual orientatn.

WHY ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN SUCH GOOD IENDS? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RELATNSHIP ADVICE: STUDY

From fictnal duo Will and Grace to real-life bti Kathy Griff and Anrson Cooper, pop culture is full of close iendships between straight women and gay, a new study sheds light on why gay guys and straight gals seem so naturally drawn to one another, and the answer may not surprise real-life Carri and Stanfords: Straight women and gay men see each other as sourc of unbiased relatnship advice. Rearchers at Texas Christian Universy hypothized that tst between straight women and gay men might be rooted a lack of petn over mat, as well as a purported lack of sexual tert one tt this, they prented groups of 88 heterosexual women and 58 homosexual men wh the fictnal Facebook profile of a person named Jordan. Straight women might fd easy to form bonds wh gay men bee, unlike straight men, there's no chance the guy uld be anglg for her affectns — and unlike other straight women, gay men aren't romantic petn, rearchers speculate.

GAY MEN, STRAIGHT WOMEN: ENDURG BONDS

“Will & Grace” unrsred the dynamics and plexi that exist si this unique bond, om the difficulty the gay man has g out (even to his bt girliend) to cidg to have a child together when neher iend’s knight shg armor has shown up. In the past 14 years, the prence of gay characters on the airwav has explod, om “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” to the Sundance Channel’s “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys” and now “Glee” and the forthg NBC s “The New Normal.

A sea change appears to be takg place Amerin attus as well: A recent Gallup Poll found that more than 50% of Amerins now believe that gay or lbian upl should have the right to marry, pared wh 27% who felt that way 1996, when Gallup first asked about legalizg same-sex marriage. However, some argue that the duo of gay men and their girliends may rg too shallow; they’d rather not be seen as a shoppg buddy a la Carson Krsley or a treasured “glam squad” expert, forever pamperg his “diva.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

“What’s always offend me about that stereotypil relatnship, pecially followg ‘Will & Grace, ’ is the notn that the gay man gets turned to a mody, ” not gay wrer Thomas Rogers on Salon. Two of her ex-hbands were jealo of his relatnship wh Mo’Nique, even though he was gay, says Eddie, who has been iends wh the ic star sce 1989, when they were phone operators Baltimore.

“I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan. In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable.

I’M THAT GAY GUY WH ALL FEMALE IENDS

In recent tim, there’s been ls cultural skepticism around iendships between gay men and straight women—though those relatnships n also be ght—but platonic relatnships between straight, unmarried men and women are still subject to some spicn, particularly beyond childhood.

And, a few years later, I shyly nonted the man I was datg about why he didn’t have any male iends (he had never thought about before) and then ls shyly suated that he had hooked up wh one of his female iends (they started datg after we broke up) the trop about men wh mostly close female iends look archaic: It seems very ’80s—very When Harry Met Sally—to assume that a man who spends most of his time wh women is jt tryg to hook up wh them, or that he’s gay. The thors of this piece, the psychologist Eric Rsell and his lleagu om Texas Christian Universy, claim that the age-old relatnship between the homosexual male and the heterosexual female served (and likely ntu to serve) a blogilly adaptive ’s an ancient alliance, they reason, that is unique among human social bonds for one important reason: the absence of ulterr motiv the doma of sexual behavr.

“Straight women may experience creased tst their relatnships wh gay men, ” expla the thors:… due to the absence of ceptive matg motivatns that equently tat their relatnships wh straight men (sexual tert) and other straight women (mate petn) terms of havg someone to help them to make the most adaptive reproductive cisns, ’s a one-sid iendship.

WHY DO GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT WOMEN MAKE SUCH GREAT IENDS?

But the thors reason that gay men also rive direct sexual benefs om havg straight female iends:The sexual tert and petive motiv that may tat gay men’s iendships wh each other are notably absent om their relatnships wh straight there li the w-w for both:Dpe beg sexually attracted to the same genr (i. Yet prr studi have ed revealed that both straight women and gay men rate their iendships wh each other as beg qualatively more meangful and eper than other prev work—which also found that straight women wh gay male iends tend to have a posive body image, to feel sexually attractive and secure, and to nsir themselv appreciated for their personaly—ed survey data, th keepg scientists om drawg any nclns about the unrlyg . You do not know this person, but you ci to look them up on Facebook before acpanyg them to the participants were then shown a fake Facebook profile of the llege-aged neighbor, cludg a photo and clear rmatn about the person beg: (a) a gay male; (b) a straight male; or (c) a straight female.

WHY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WANT GAY MALE IENDS: A PREVLY UNDISVERED STRATEGY TO PREVENT MATG CEPTN AND SEXUAL EXPLOATN

And so as Rsell and his lleagu predicted, the straight women who’d been randomly assigned to the “gay male Jordan” ndn rated his tstworths as signifintly higher pared to those answerg qutns about “straight male Jordan” or “straight female Jordan. On the other hand, argue the thors, sce gay men and lbians are attracted to different genrs, this absence of a mon sexual tert may lead gay men to perceive lbians as ls tstworthy than straight women, at least when to relatnship and datg advice. Gay men who were randomly assigned to the “straight female Jordan” perceived the target’s tstworths to be signifintly higher than those who got the “lbian Jordan” or “gay male Jordan.

There’s some evolutnary explanatn for this: Bee gay men and straight women are not petg for the same mat, and this may be why they excel at dispensg datg advice when I scurry to the bathroom, mid-Tr date, need of a send opn.