Why Straight Women and Gay Men Make the Bt of Friends | Psychology Today

gay male straight female friendships

Heterosexual and gay men n heal and grow as a rult of their iendships.

Contents:

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

Could gay guys be the ultimate wg men for their straight, male iends? * gay male straight female friendships *

We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another.

MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN

* gay male straight female friendships *

Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another. If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another. In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys.

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

Why are straight women so drawn to havg gay men as iends? * gay male straight female friendships *

Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person.

WHAT'S THE SCIENCE BEHD STRAIGHT WOMEN LIKG GAY MEN?

New rearch explor the benefs of iendship between gay and straight men. * gay male straight female friendships *

We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships. "several gay men the sample intified their straight woman iend as potentially providg accs to a fay life that volv children; there were no siar discsns the lbian-straight man dyads". Dpe this apparent betrayal, when a 2003 TV movie tried to pat Ronald Reagan as a vilent homophobe, Hudson's former lover Marc Christian wrote an open letter to CBS, sayg, "The notn that Print Reagan was a homophobe strik me as silly beyond belief....

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

Women who associate wh gay men are often portrayed as physilly unattractive and lackg both self-nfince and attentn om straight men. However, many women report enhanced self-teem and feelgs of attractivens as a rult of attentn om their gay iends. It is well tablished … * gay male straight female friendships *

Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors. Books, televisn shows and feature-length films have all highlighted this unique relatnship, noted for s closens and wh society's attus toward gays and lbians changg, 's bee all the more important to build a holistic unrstandg of the relatnships between gay and straight a rearcher social psychology, I've often wonred: Why do straight female-gay male relatnships work so well?

Bee gay men don't mate wh women—or pete wh them for mat—women feel a certa level of fort wh gay men, and the procs of formg a close iendship n occur relatively heterosexual men (who, by fn, are sexually attracted to women), the procs is longer—and potentially more ght—bee men may be grapplg wh their own sexual other words, bee gay men are attracted to their own genr, they're a "safe bet" for women—at least, om a socblogil three years ago, I ially tted this theory a seri of experiments that have served as the foundatn of my rearch program on gay-straight the experiments, straight female participants were shown fict Facebook profil pictg eher a straight woman, straight man or gay man.

THE RELATN BETWEEN WOMEN'S BODY TEEM AND IENDSHIPS WH GAY MEN

From fictnal duo Will and Grace to real-life bti Kathy Griff and Anrson Cooper, pop culture is full of close iendships between straight women and gay men. * gay male straight female friendships *

I also reced gay male participants, and had them plete the same task (wh the gay men viewg Facebook profil pictg a straight female, gay male or lbian female) experiments, published the journal Evolutnary Psychology, monstrated that straight women and gay men perceived one another to be tstworthy sourc of relatnship and datg advice. Crackg the why and whenRecently, my lleagu and I at the Universy of Texas at Arlgton veloped a seri of four related tled the four studi "Why (and When) Straight Women Tst Gay Men: Ulterr Matg Motiv and Female Competn, " wh the hope of better tablishg why straight women tst gay men and when straight women would be most likely to seek out gay men for iendship and the first study, I wanted to replite the fdg that women tst gay men more than straight men or straight women.

This time, however, I wanted to see if women would only tst gay men's datg-related advice as opposed to other typ of turns out straight women only tsted a gay man's advice about a potential boyiend more than the same advice om, say, a straight man or another straight woman. It really only had to do wh one thg: datg and further exame why this might be the se, we had women image receivg rmatn om eher a straight woman, straight man, or a gay man about their physil appearance and the dateabily of potential boyiends. We then asked the women how scere they felt the rpons expected, the female subjects seemed to perceive the judgments g om the gay man to be more scere bee they knew that he wouldn't have any ulterr motiv—whether that meant woog the subject (which they might spect of straight men) or petg for the same romantic partner (straight women) the fal two studi, we wanted to figure out when women were most likely to beiend and place their tst gay men.

We predicted that this would most often occur highly petive datg environments, where a tstworthy source like a gay iend would be valued by women jockeyg wh one another for a tt this, we created a fake news article that tailed extremely skewed sex rats, ditg that women llege were petg over a very small pool of men. We had women read this news article and then dite how much they would tst a straight woman or a gay man var datg-related women read the news article about the creased petn, their tst gay men was amplified. Not only were women more apt to tst gay men unr this ndn, but we also found that they beme more willg to make gay male datg adviceThe downsi is that if a straight woman valu her gay male iends only for datg advice, the relatnship uld bee que superficial (see Chris Rtta's say "I'm Gay, Not Your Accsory").

WHY ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN SUCH GOOD IENDS? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RELATNSHIP ADVICE: STUDY

In many popular pictns, straight women’s iendships wh gay men offer only the shallow benef of a sassy shoppg buddy, but the relatnships n eper. * gay male straight female friendships *

However, the strong tst that women ially form wh gay men n serve as a primer; eventually, this tst uld extend to other areas, wh the iendship blossomg over fdgs—bed wh our own—show that there seems to be an extremely strong psychologil unrpng for why women are so drawn to gay stance, a recent study the Journal of Bs and Psychology revealed that straight women tend to hire gay men over other heterosexual dividuals bee they perceive gay men to be more petent and warmer.

Furthermore, marketg rearchers have suggted that straight women prefer to work wh gay male sal associat over others nsumer retail two fdgs alone uld have many posive implitns for gay men the workplace.

GAY MEN, STRAIGHT WOMEN: ENDURG BONDS

Will and Grace knew . Dto for Stanford and Carrie. Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. * gay male straight female friendships *

Although much of this rearch foc on why women are drawn to iendships wh gay men, another obv avenue of exploratn is whether or not gay men are siarly keen to form iendships wh straight women.

For example, a study I nducted 2013, I found that gay men also look to women for tstworthy datg advice or tips for fdg a prospective rearchers have suggted that gay men value the posive attus towards homosexualy that women tend to have (relative to straight men) this se, the implic tst seems to be a two-way Rsell is a Ph.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

McKie noted that the straight men felt their gay iend was able to make succsful troductns to straight women bee the women tsted their gay male iends to troduce them to a good person.

The lack of petn for the same prospective partners allows the iendship to flourish a way that may be hred to some gree for gay or straight men iendships wh men who share the same sexual orientatn. From fictnal duo Will and Grace to real-life bti Kathy Griff and Anrson Cooper, pop culture is full of close iendships between straight women and gay, a new study sheds light on why gay guys and straight gals seem so naturally drawn to one another, and the answer may not surprise real-life Carri and Stanfords: Straight women and gay men see each other as sourc of unbiased relatnship advice.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

Rearchers at Texas Christian Universy hypothized that tst between straight women and gay men might be rooted a lack of petn over mat, as well as a purported lack of sexual tert one tt this, they prented groups of 88 heterosexual women and 58 homosexual men wh the fictnal Facebook profile of a person named Jordan. Straight women might fd easy to form bonds wh gay men bee, unlike straight men, there's no chance the guy uld be anglg for her affectns — and unlike other straight women, gay men aren't romantic petn, rearchers speculate.

“Will & Grace” unrsred the dynamics and plexi that exist si this unique bond, om the difficulty the gay man has g out (even to his bt girliend) to cidg to have a child together when neher iend’s knight shg armor has shown up. In the past 14 years, the prence of gay characters on the airwav has explod, om “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” to the Sundance Channel’s “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys” and now “Glee” and the forthg NBC s “The New Normal. A sea change appears to be takg place Amerin attus as well: A recent Gallup Poll found that more than 50% of Amerins now believe that gay or lbian upl should have the right to marry, pared wh 27% who felt that way 1996, when Gallup first asked about legalizg same-sex marriage.

However, some argue that the duo of gay men and their girliends may rg too shallow; they’d rather not be seen as a shoppg buddy a la Carson Krsley or a treasured “glam squad” expert, forever pamperg his “diva.

I’M THAT GAY GUY WH ALL FEMALE IENDS

“What’s always offend me about that stereotypil relatnship, pecially followg ‘Will & Grace, ’ is the notn that the gay man gets turned to a mody, ” not gay wrer Thomas Rogers on Salon.

Two of her ex-hbands were jealo of his relatnship wh Mo’Nique, even though he was gay, says Eddie, who has been iends wh the ic star sce 1989, when they were phone operators Baltimore.

WHY DO GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT WOMEN MAKE SUCH GREAT IENDS?

“I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn. ”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan.

In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

WHY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WANT GAY MALE IENDS: A PREVLY UNDISVERED STRATEGY TO PREVENT MATG CEPTN AND SEXUAL EXPLOATN

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable. In recent tim, there’s been ls cultural skepticism around iendships between gay men and straight women—though those relatnships n also be ght—but platonic relatnships between straight, unmarried men and women are still subject to some spicn, particularly beyond childhood.

And, a few years later, I shyly nonted the man I was datg about why he didn’t have any male iends (he had never thought about before) and then ls shyly suated that he had hooked up wh one of his female iends (they started datg after we broke up) the trop about men wh mostly close female iends look archaic: It seems very ’80s—very When Harry Met Sally—to assume that a man who spends most of his time wh women is jt tryg to hook up wh them, or that he’s gay.

The thors of this piece, the psychologist Eric Rsell and his lleagu om Texas Christian Universy, claim that the age-old relatnship between the homosexual male and the heterosexual female served (and likely ntu to serve) a blogilly adaptive ’s an ancient alliance, they reason, that is unique among human social bonds for one important reason: the absence of ulterr motiv the doma of sexual behavr. “Straight women may experience creased tst their relatnships wh gay men, ” expla the thors:… due to the absence of ceptive matg motivatns that equently tat their relatnships wh straight men (sexual tert) and other straight women (mate petn) terms of havg someone to help them to make the most adaptive reproductive cisns, ’s a one-sid iendship. But the thors reason that gay men also rive direct sexual benefs om havg straight female iends:The sexual tert and petive motiv that may tat gay men’s iendships wh each other are notably absent om their relatnships wh straight there li the w-w for both:Dpe beg sexually attracted to the same genr (i.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GAY MALE STRAIGHT FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS

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important.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH gtxxjM byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fhQbnq dzFUnH eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/lren-larson">Lren Larson</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2019-05-09T08:58:03-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd ivrQAn cZpOSL">May 9, 2019</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins 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siz="100vw"/><img alt="I LOVE YOU MAN om left Rashida Jon Pl Rudd 2009" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE dVZQpq ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN XczIg"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd cdsJgg fNaHcW ptn__cred">© DreamWorks/Courty Everett Collectn</span></div></div></figure></div></div><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR oEIBz persistent-asi persistent-asi--align-left" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jNgrSF sticky-box ContentHearPersistentAsi-fsnAmQ dFzKzm"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--has-background ContentHearSocialIns-jzJiyg ctaZl social-ins--share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kJkLmH article-body__ntent"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP eRxRjL"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p><strong>Tom, 27, first noticed</strong> that his iendships were skewg womanward llege. Sce then, he’s found even more difficult to make male iends. “It really is easier for me to jt be sual wh women, and eventually bee iends, rather than dus,” he says of his platonic iendships. “Maybe that's a problem on my part.”</p><p>Tom isn’t the only one who has noticed the genr imbalance of his relatnships. Recently, when he had a few acquatanc over to watch wrtlg—he’s actively tryg to cultivate male iends—he took a picture of the group hangg out and sent to his roommate. She rpond immediately, “I had no ia you had this many male iends!” There were four men the photograph. Tom scrolled through his recent texts: Of the ten iends he’s texted most recently, all except one are female.</p><p>Friendships between men and women are on the rise the U.S. In recent tim, there’s been ls cultural skepticism around iendships between gay men and straight women—though those relatnships n also be <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">ght</a>—but platonic relatnships between straight, unmarried men and women are still subject to some spicn, particularly beyond childhood. In his 2008 book <em>Buddy System: Unrstandg Male Friendships,</em> Geofey Greif, Ph.D., a profsor at the Universy of Maryland School of Social Work, wrote that 65 percent of women and 75 percent of men reported havg nonsexual iendships wh the oppose genr. (He attributed the reported discrepancy to the subjectivy of relatnships, and nclud that an equal percentage of men and women have platonic iendships. I attribute the difference to typil male hubris.) Greif says that the number of men platonic iendships wh women has likely creased sce he published <em>Buddy System</em>.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>The rise of male-female relatnships general has also ma way for guys like Tom, whose iends are almost all women. Tom and the other men I spoke to for this piece, all of whom have wi works of close female iends, are enuragg unterpots to last week’s viral say <a href="><em>Harper’s Bazaar</em></a>. Wrer Melanie Hamlett scribed straight men as “strand on an emotnally-stunted island” wh no iends, theorizg that many men, lackg timate male iendships, are actg like “emotnal gold diggers” toward their wiv and girliends. “Men are tght that feelgs are a female thg,” one woman told Hamlett. Th, Hamlett theorized, men save their emotnal sharg for their partner, whereas women are more likely to share their feelgs wh a work of <a href=">therapists</a> and iends.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>Hamlett c one man, who started a “men’s group” to create a non-threateng space to share feelgs. “I need support and timacy that wasn’t tied up to one relatnship,” he said. But Hamlett’s say don’t addrs the men who regnize the importance of emotnal sharg, and who seek that out not jt om one woman but om a work of iends. Those men aren’t necsarily the emotnal paras that Hamlett scrib. Rather, my experience, iendships wh men n be very symbtic: They listen well, they know how and when to give advice, and they brg a unique perspective to my grievanc.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="8n4x2x"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="3zsjl"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>While I disagree wh Hamlett’s implitn that men are pable of “unpaid emotnal labor” their relatnships—I have <a href=">scream-cried my feelgs</a> at many, many men—I do see where the archetypal male iendship, which is built on sports and beer, might preclu the airg of feelgs. That mol is culturally rerced to the extent that, for a long time, men wh mostly female iends were objects of spicn. I remember feelg a vague mistst toward Adam Driver’s character <em>Girls</em> when all his iends were revealed to be women a 2012 episo. And, a few years later, I shyly nonted the man I was datg about why he didn’t have any male iends (he had never thought about before) and then ls shyly suated that he had hooked up wh one of his female iends (they started datg after we broke up).</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="vfc0z"></div></div><p>Now the trop about men wh mostly close female iends look archaic: It seems very ’80s—very <a href="><em>When Harry Met Sally</em></a>—to assume that a man who spends most of his time wh women is jt tryg to hook up wh them, or that he’s gay. Perhaps bee #MeToo has ma me more aware of the ill effects of masculy when ’s ncentrated a toxic clique, I feel unsettled by men who <em>don’t</em> have female iends. It’s like lookg at a man’s bookshelf and seeg only <a href=">Christopher Hchens</a> tl.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Greif attribut the crease platonic iendships to more equaly the workplace, and stronger polici and better tn surroundg sexual harassment. (I’d also suggt that efforts to make llege mp more female-iendly, first wh the genis of -ed lleg and more recently wh attempts to make mp safer for women, has led to a stronger astcture for -ed iendships.) “Rather than havg the experience that my father had, where the only woman he would see at the workplace was brgg him his ffee, men and women are now -equals at work,” Greif says. “That opens up a different kd of relatnship, which is more apt to lead to a platonic iendship than ever before.”</p><p>Friendships between superrs and subordat are still rare today— <em>Mad Men</em> tim, when boss were mostly male and women primarily reported to them, platonic iendships at work were even more unlikely. Now we expect men to make themselv available to female -workers as iends and mentors, and vice versa. When Vice Print Mike Pence said that he wouldn’t de alone wh any woman except his wife, the backlash was immediate: Pence’s puranil ristance to unchaperoned ch-chat wh women at work was seen as discrimatory and antiquated.</p><p>While the office is a mon place for men and women to velop relatnships (the term <a href=">“work wife”</a> has slipped quietly to the “this sounds sexist” class of phras), some men are chronic beienrs of women and out of the office. They bee close wh their girliends’ iends or their female roommate’s iends, they velop iendships wh women they date when don’t work out, or they make one female iend at work and their circle spirals out om there.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="7i7ljo"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG recirc-most-popular-sparrow-trackg hi-asi-ad" data-most-popular-id="mod-most-popular-464"><div class="RecircMostPopularHeadg-iVzhzt cKAPsp">Most Popular</div><ul class="RecircMostPopularItems-dCAajf gqcRrp"><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff iTWsZ summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--GALLERY summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw gjFFSE" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-1" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR 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data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>Several such men tell me that they, like Tom, feel ls prsure to perform stoicism for their female iends. Greif says most people tend to feel more relaxed wh people who are like themselv, but that some people jt don’t enjoy spendg time wh their “reference group.” Jake, 27, says he nnects better wh women bee he don’t enjoy the stereotypil tw pillars of male hangs: sports and drkg. In a survey Greif nducted, 80 percent of men said that most of their time wh male iends is spent discsg sports. “There are women that talk about sports, and there are men that don’t jt talk about sports,” Greif adds. “But there’s a sense that if you’re a man and you want to make iends wh a man, you’re better off if you eher played sports or are able to talk a ltle b about sports.” A study <a href="><em>Sex Rol</em></a> suggted that men bond over activi—like sports, vio gam, and gog out to bars to meet women—and rerved “emotnal sharg” for their oppose-sex partners. Women, acrdg to the study, jt kd of marated each other’s pany.</p><p>Particularly llege and beyond, Jake says, he found that he preferred the way women nnect—all the iends he’s ma sce he was 12 are women. “I uld jt be genue,” he says, “and not be judged for wantg to talk about how I feel.” It’s a cliché that women get together and “talk about our feelgs,” but my experience wh my female and male iends, women often go right for the emotnal throat of a nversatn, where may take most men several beers to mence ventg.</p><p>Greif thks that men feel more fortable emotnal sharg wh women bee children are still mostly socialized by women. One five children are <a href=">livg wh a sgle mother</a>, and the children particular may fd that bee their formative relatnships were entirely wh women, they nnect more easily wh women as adults. That’s certaly te for Tom. “I didn’t have a man the hoehold growg up,” he says. “Talkg to women has always been my flt when I want to talk about somethg ser. Or even when I jt want to shoot the sh.”</p><p>Children not raised by sgle mothers are also more likely to have been socialized mostly by women. In spe of a very mendable mory of fathers who spl child re equally wh their partners, mothers still spend almost twice as many hours per week on child re as fathers do, acrdg to analysis om <a href=">Pew Rearch Center</a>, published last year a ceptively cheerful Mother’s Day dispatch. And the <a href=">Natnal Center for Edutn Statistics</a> recently reported that 89 percent of primary-school teachers are women. “What happens then,” Greif explas, “is that men feel general very fortable talkg to women and also feel fortable talkg to women about their feelgs.” I image myself as the matriarch of my male iends, holdg them to my bosom, Pietà-like, whisperg soothg ton while they vent about their unrequed csh on other women—and feel unsettled.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="z5x0ug"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot 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data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Everyone Looks Hotter a Long Sleeve Polo Shirt</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY jbnRem summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH bfGBQB byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Yang-Yi Goh</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="SummaryItemWrapper-iwvBff iTWsZ summary-em summary-em--has-borr summary-em--GALLERY summary-em--no-in summary-em--text-align-left summary-em--layout-placement-si-by-si summary-em--layout-posn-image-left summary-em--layout-proportns-33-66 summary-em--si-by-si-align-center summary-em--si-by-si-image-right-mobile-false summary-em--standard RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw gjFFSE" role="button" tabx="0"><div class="SummaryItemAssetContaer-gwhFFH VOyg summary-em__asset-ntaer"><a class="SummaryItemImageLk-dshqxb cPpCwE summary-em__image-lk summary-em-trackg__image-lk" href=" aria-hidn="te" tabx="-1" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-image-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" target="_self"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW kGxnNB rponsive-asset SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz jgsWEn"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SummaryItemRponsiveAsset-hjGIGg egpoQR summary-em__image rponsive-image"><noscript><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/><img alt="Every Piece of Menswear You Should Own 2023" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></noscript></picture></div></div></span></a></div><div class="SummaryItemContent-eiDYMl XMZX summary-em__ntent summary-em__ntent--no-bric"><a class="SummaryItemHedLk-civM fFPekr summary-em-trackg__hed-lk summary-em__hed-lk" data-ponent-type="recirc-river" data-recirc-id="em-hed-3" data-recirc-pattern="summary-em" href=" target="_self"><div data-ttid="ClampWrapper" class="ClampWrapper-kZxfkB hTTNGO clamp SummaryItemHedBase-hiFYpQ ejPNRQ summary-em__hed"><div class="ClampContent-hilPkr jVhSBH"><div class="SummaryItemHedTag-TWblf gxaOcP" data-ttid="SummaryItemHed">Every Piece of Menswear You Should Own 2023</div></div></div></a><div class="SummaryItemByleWrapper-boCfbi cuRXdL summary-em__byle-date-in"><div class="SummaryItemBaseByle-fFbXkY jbnRem summary-em__byle"><div class="summary-em__byle__ntent"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH bfGBQB byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Gerald Ortiz</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw dacLSS ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="th2en"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs joBAUg"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="ddtt2p"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>One 25-year-old man, who has assembled a large hort of female iends through work, says that when he broke up wh his girliend recently, he mostly discsed the breakup wh his female iends. When he tried to talk to other men about , he found that they were at different levels of emotnal leracy: Of his two male iends, he says, one was very receptive to breakup talk, but one beme very unfortable. “It was awkward. As I was talkg to him, he was like, ‘Yeah, that's kd of how go,’ ” he rells. “I was like, ‘That's not how I want to talk about this.’ Wh my iends who are girls, there's a sharg of experienc, which mak better to talk about.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>He adds that he’s wonrg whether his iendships wh women will change post-breakup. Havg a girliend ma him feel a lot more fortable cultivatg platonic female iendships, bee gave him a built- barrier agast the relatnship turng romantic, though he says he often wonred whether his girliend thought was strange that he had so many female iends. He says that he’d spected, early on, that his clost female iend didn’t want their iendship to be platonic, but that they’d never discsed . “You do keep some kd of emotnal distance until you n make clear that 's platonic,” he says. “Now that I don't have a girliend, I thk I'm kd of cur how 's gog to go. I'm cur about how I would make a new iend who is a girl now.”</p><p>The tensn he scrib is one of four major challeng to “cross-sex iendship” outled a <a href=">1989 study</a> <em>Sex Rol</em>. The challeng are: termg whether the relatnship is non-romantic or romantic; discsg attractn, which may still be prent even when the relatnship has been clared non-romantic; “alg wh the issue of relatnship equaly wh a cultural ntext of genr equaly,” a challenge that, as Greif suggts, has been slightly mimized by creased workplace equaly; and “prentg the relatnship as thentic to relevant dienc.” Which is to say, nvcg your other iends—and, crilly, your girliend—that you’re not tryg to bone your cross-sex pal.</p><p>Tom says he’s ncerned that people thk he hangs out wh women bee he’s tryg to hook up wh them. Some of his iendships <em>have</em> grown om suatns where one of them has tried to hook up wh the other, but he says that those s the dynamic is now clear, for the most part. I ask him how he draws the le between romantic and non-romantic, hopg for some secret that will allow men and women to live platonic harmony, havg meangful discsns about #MeToo over rosé.</p><p>“Sometim you don’t,” he says, “and sometim ’s odd, and sometim for a while you’re jt like, ‘Are they flirtg wh me? Am I flirtg wh them? Am I worried about that?’ Eventually you jt end up not datg.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="e2gasa"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer 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