Are Mi Coopers... gay? - Page 8

Contents:

• WHY THE MI COOPER IS STRAY, NOT GAYBY BRETT BERKNOVEMBER 13, 2008SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEEVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A CLOSET CASE VEHICLE IS. WE’VE VERED THAT. BUT THERE’S A MORE DISCREET AND SUBVERSIVE TOMOTIVE SUB-SPECI OUT THERE THAT WE HAVEN’T YET ADDRSED: THE STRAY CAR. WE ALL KNOW A STRAY REAL LIFE, ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO—BEE OF HIS ACTNS, TERTS, AND MANNERISMS—SEEMS CIDLY HOMO, BUT IS ED GENUELY HET. (GAYISH–STRAIGHT=STRAY; APART OM THE FLOCK.) HE MANSP, EATS SALAD, AND SHOPS AT JOHN VARVATOS. HE EVEN RRI A LOUIS VUTON BARREL-BAG ON BS TRIPS. STROLLG THROUGH THE NASHVILLE AIRPORT, HE LOOKS AS QUEER AS THE DIENCE AT A PL VERHOEVEN FTIVAL. BUT AT HOME THE BERKELEY HILLS, HE LOOKS LIKE EVERY NE-YEAR-OLD’S FATHER.WHICH BRGS ME TO THE MI COOPER. BEE ’S HIGHLY STYLIZED, WELL-PACKAGED, ADORABLE, AND BRISH-ISH, MANY PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THAT ’S GAY. WHEN I FIRST STARTED UP STICK SHIFT, MORE THAN ONE OF MY (FEMALE) IENDS MA THIS CLAIM, NTACTG ME AND OFFERG THEIR BELOVED MIS UP AS FODR. “LOVE THE NEW LUMN,” MY IEND VELMA WROTE. “CAN’T WA UNTIL YOU WRE ABOUT MY COOPER, CLY.”WELL, SORRY TO DISAPPOT, BUT HERE’S THE BIG, HARD, THROBBG TTH: MI COOPERS ARE NOT GAY. IN FACT, I WOULD LIKE TO POS THAT MIS ARE MORE LIKE ATVS—JUVENILE BOY-TOYS, BUT FOR STRAIGHT GUYS WHO AREN’T REDNECKS. MY PROOF? BOTH VEHICL HAVE ULTRA-QUICK STEERG. BOTH ARE APPROXIMATELY THE SAME SIZE AND SHAPE. BOTH ARE DRIVEN OUT OF A GEEKY SIRE FOR DIVIDUALY AND EEDOM—ME’S YELLOW AND WHE! ME HAS A REBEL FLAG ON !—THAT ULTIMATELY ENDS UP LOOKG LIKE ANOTHER FORM OF SPERATE NFORMY (UNT THE MIS ON THE STREETS OF WILLIAMSBURG). IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PILOT EHER WHOUT DONNG AN IDTIC SE, A DORKY P, OR THE RA OF SMUG ASSHOLEDOM. AND NEHER ONE IS APPROPRIATE FOR SHOWG UP AT ANY JOB TERVIEW—UNLS YOU’RE APPLYG TO BE BARBIE’S BOYIEND, KEN. WHEN I WAS WORKG ON A MAJOR RE-POSNG PROJECT FOR HOT WHEELS RECENTLY, I HAD TO NDUCT A SERI OF -HOME TERVIEWS WH BRAND LOYAL ADULTS—GROWN-UP MEN WHO STILL LLECT LTLE RS. THE GUYS ALL HAVE SPECIAL SECTNS OF THEIR BASEMENTS GIVEN OVER TO THEIR PASSN—WH HOMEMA DISPLAY S, STORAGE RACKS, AND AMED MEMORABILIA—THAT REMD ME OF THE “VICTIM ROOMS” SERIAL KILLERS BUILD MOVI. (WHENEVER I WENT ONE, I KEPT AN EX AT MY BACK.) TOWARD THE END OF THIS PROJECT, MY LLEAGUE AND I ARRIVED EARLY TO ONE OF OUR -HOM, AND STEAD OF LURKG THE LLECTOR’S DRIVEWAY AND (FURTHER) TERRORIZG HIS WIFE AND KIDS, WE PARKED DOWN THE BLOCK AND KILLED TIME, TRYG TO GUS WHICH OF THE VEHICL TURNG TO THE VELOPMENT BELONGED TO OUR SUBJECT. WE WATCHED HONDAS AND BIMMERS AND LEX ZIP BY. THEN SUDNLY AN ELECTRIC BLUE MI ME REENG THROUGH THE GAT, PILOTED BY A GRNG, CLEAN-CUT, FLAT-PPED, 40 YEAR-OLD. “BGO,” MY -WORKER SAID. SHE ROLLED HER EY. “HE EVEN DRIV A TOY R.”MOST POPULAROUR FLAG MEANS DEATH SEASON 2: EXCLIVE FIRST LOOKBY SARAH CATHERALLFLORENCE PUGH SAYS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN “APOLOGIZED” FOR HER SMALL OPPENHEIMER ROLEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLBUT WA, I N HEAR THE QUEER MI-ONS PROTTG, THE R IS PASTEL-LORED, ENVIRONMENTALLY NSC, AND NON-THREATENG TO WOMEN. I’D UNTER THAT THE SAME N BE SAID OF HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, SAW-GRASS, AND STEVE CARELL, NONE OF WHICH SHOULD H THE METER FOR ANY SELF-RPECTG FAG. STILL UNNVCED? HERE’S THE NAIL THE FF: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GAY GUY TOOLG AROUND A VEHICLE WH SOME OTHER UNTRY’S FLAG ON TOP (BIS THIS PARA FLOAT)? THIS KD OF BEHAVR IS RERVED FOR THE TEGORY OF MALE WHO ENJOYS PASSG HIS WEEKENDS WEARG DAY-GLO SOCCER JERSEYS EMBLAZONED WH ANOTHER DU’S NAME AND NATNAL LORS. IN OTHER WORDS, YOUR DGHTER’S BT IEND’S DAD.BRETT BERK

WHY THE MI COOPER IS STRAY, NOT GAYBY BRETT BERKNOVEMBER 13, 2008SAVE THIS STORYSAVESAVE THIS STORYSAVEEVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A CLOSET CASE VEHICLE IS. WE’VE VERED THAT. BUT THERE’S A MORE DISCREET AND SUBVERSIVE TOMOTIVE SUB-SPECI OUT THERE THAT WE HAVEN’T YET ADDRSED: THE STRAY CAR. WE ALL KNOW A STRAY REAL LIFE, ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO—BEE OF HIS ACTNS, TERTS, AND MANNERISMS—SEEMS CIDLY HOMO, BUT IS ED GENUELY HET. (GAYISH–STRAIGHT=STRAY; APART OM THE FLOCK.) HE MANSP, EATS SALAD, AND SHOPS AT JOHN VARVATOS. HE EVEN RRI A LOUIS VUTON BARREL-BAG ON BS TRIPS. STROLLG THROUGH THE NASHVILLE AIRPORT, HE LOOKS AS QUEER AS THE DIENCE AT A PL VERHOEVEN FTIVAL. BUT AT HOME THE BERKELEY HILLS, HE LOOKS LIKE EVERY NE-YEAR-OLD’S FATHER.WHICH BRGS ME TO THE MI COOPER. BEE ’S HIGHLY STYLIZED, WELL-PACKAGED, ADORABLE, AND BRISH-ISH, MANY PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THAT ’S GAY. WHEN I FIRST STARTED UP STICK SHIFT, MORE THAN ONE OF MY (FEMALE) IENDS MA THIS CLAIM, NTACTG ME AND OFFERG THEIR BELOVED MIS UP AS FODR. “LOVE THE NEW LUMN,” MY IEND VELMA WROTE. “CAN’T WA UNTIL YOU WRE ABOUT MY COOPER, CLY.”WELL, SORRY TO DISAPPOT, BUT HERE’S THE BIG, HARD, THROBBG TTH: MI COOPERS ARE NOT GAY. IN FACT, I WOULD LIKE TO POS THAT MIS ARE MORE LIKE ATVS—JUVENILE BOY-TOYS, BUT FOR STRAIGHT GUYS WHO AREN’T REDNECKS. MY PROOF? BOTH VEHICL HAVE ULTRA-QUICK STEERG. BOTH ARE APPROXIMATELY THE SAME SIZE AND SHAPE. BOTH ARE DRIVEN OUT OF A GEEKY SIRE FOR DIVIDUALY AND EEDOM—ME’S YELLOW AND WHE! ME HAS A REBEL FLAG ON !—THAT ULTIMATELY ENDS UP LOOKG LIKE ANOTHER FORM OF SPERATE NFORMY (UNT THE MIS ON THE STREETS OF WILLIAMSBURG). IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PILOT EHER WHOUT DONNG AN IDTIC SE, A DORKY P, OR THE RA OF SMUG ASSHOLEDOM. AND NEHER ONE IS APPROPRIATE FOR SHOWG UP AT ANY JOB TERVIEW—UNLS YOU’RE APPLYG TO BE BARBIE’S BOYIEND, KEN. WHEN I WAS WORKG ON A MAJOR RE-POSNG PROJECT FOR HOT WHEELS RECENTLY, I HAD TO NDUCT A SERI OF -HOME TERVIEWS WH BRAND LOYAL ADULTS—GROWN-UP MEN WHO STILL LLECT LTLE RS. THE GUYS ALL HAVE SPECIAL SECTNS OF THEIR BASEMENTS GIVEN OVER TO THEIR PASSN—WH HOMEMA DISPLAY S, STORAGE RACKS, AND AMED MEMORABILIA—THAT REMD ME OF THE “VICTIM ROOMS” SERIAL KILLERS BUILD MOVI. (WHENEVER I WENT ONE, I KEPT AN EX AT MY BACK.) TOWARD THE END OF THIS PROJECT, MY LLEAGUE AND I ARRIVED EARLY TO ONE OF OUR -HOM, AND STEAD OF LURKG THE LLECTOR’S DRIVEWAY AND (FURTHER) TERRORIZG HIS WIFE AND KIDS, WE PARKED DOWN THE BLOCK AND KILLED TIME, TRYG TO GUS WHICH OF THE VEHICL TURNG TO THE VELOPMENT BELONGED TO OUR SUBJECT. WE WATCHED HONDAS AND BIMMERS AND LEX ZIP BY. THEN SUDNLY AN ELECTRIC BLUE MI ME REENG THROUGH THE GAT, PILOTED BY A GRNG, CLEAN-CUT, FLAT-PPED, 40 YEAR-OLD. “BGO,” MY -WORKER SAID. SHE ROLLED HER EY. “HE EVEN DRIV A TOY R.”MOST POPULAROUR FLAG MEANS DEATH SEASON 2: EXCLIVE FIRST LOOKBY SARAH CATHERALLFLORENCE PUGH SAYS CHRISTOPHER NOLAN “APOLOGIZED” FOR HER SMALL OPPENHEIMER ROLEBY SAVANNAH WALSHHOW MK, THIEL, ZUCKERBERG, AND ANDRESEN—FOUR BILLNAIRE TECHNO-OLIGARCHS—ARE CREATG AN ALTERNATE, AUTOCRATIC REALYBY JONATHAN TAPLBUT WA, I N HEAR THE QUEER MI-ONS PROTTG, THE R IS PASTEL-LORED, ENVIRONMENTALLY NSC, AND NON-THREATENG TO WOMEN. I’D UNTER THAT THE SAME N BE SAID OF HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, SAW-GRASS, AND STEVE CARELL, NONE OF WHICH SHOULD H THE METER FOR ANY SELF-RPECTG FAG. STILL UNNVCED? HERE’S THE NAIL THE FF: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GAY GUY TOOLG AROUND A VEHICLE WH SOME OTHER UNTRY’S FLAG ON TOP (BIS THIS PARA FLOAT)? THIS KD OF BEHAVR IS RERVED FOR THE TEGORY OF MALE WHO ENJOYS PASSG HIS WEEKENDS WEARG DAY-GLO SOCCER JERSEYS EMBLAZONED WH ANOTHER DU’S NAME AND NATNAL LORS. IN OTHER WORDS, YOUR DGHTER’S BT IEND’S DAD.BRETT BERK

We all know a Stray real life, one of those guys who—bee of his actns, terts, and mannerisms—seems cidly homo, but is ed genuely het.

(Gayish–Straight=Stray; apart om the flock. Bee ’s highly stylized, well-packaged, adorable, and Brish-ish, many people immediately assume that ’s gay. ”Well, sorry to disappot, but here’s the big, hard, throbbg tth: Mi Coopers are not gay.

Here’s the nail the ff: have you ever seen a gay guy toolg around a vehicle wh some other untry’s flag on top (bis this para float)? Im only 21 and have iends om 16 upwards and s fiantly a gay r to young people.

Especially when they know how muc hthe r sts and pare to the st of other rs, mak even more gay. You drive a Z4 and you see f to tell someone else their r is gay?