When Gay Men (Mis)Marry Straight Women: Bonnie Kaye's Story | Psychology Today

Contents:

• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• HOW I MA MY HBAND GAY: MYTHS ABOUT STRAIGHT WIV
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

But I certaly didn’t want to marry a gay man. He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

There were issu wh him om the start, but nothg to make me thk that he might be gay.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. I thought, “How uld he be gay? Gay men have gaydar.

The bottom le is, he was actively gay. Beg gay back then was really hard. I had a lot of gay iends California.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

On the east ast where we were, beg gay was still really hidn.

There were a lot of obstacl to beg gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight. So even though Robert lied to me about beg gay, I did unrstand why he did .

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. That’s how is for gay men straight marriag. He was also very homophobic, makg fun of effemate men.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Over the years, I’ve found that a lot of gay men do that. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open. And if you’re not gay, why do you re about ?

HOW I MA MY HBAND GAY: MYTHS ABOUT STRAIGHT WIV

Do you fd that a lot of gay men straight marriag engage blamg and gaslightg as part of the act? I saw one of your blog posts you e the term “gaylightg” to scribe this form of gaslightg.

I fd tertg that a lot of men this suatn ratnalize their behavr, sayg ’s not cheatg and don’t mean they’re gay. I really thought that people n choose to be straight or gay.

I did, even then, thk that many gay people are who they are and that’s all there is to .

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

He had also been tellg me thgs like, “If you ever tell anybody the silly stori about me beg gay, then that’s , we’re done. My Hband’s Not Gay, a show on TLC, has ed an uproar. Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe?

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.