Many parents stggle to adjt after learng child is gay, study fds

Contents:

• HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR GAY CHILD
• 10 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"
• COMG OUT: A PARENTS GUI TO SUPPORTG YOUR GAY TEEN
• HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS
• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS
• GAY SUPPORT: WHERE TO FD LGBT HELP AND SUPPORT GROUPS
• MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?
• HBAND DON’T ACCEPT OUR GAY SON - HOW N I CHANGE HIS MD?
• TO HELP GAY SON, 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIV BIRTH TO OWN GRANDCHILD
• PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE
• EVANGELILS WH GAY CHILDREN CHALLENGE CHURCH
• HOW GOD HELPED ME ACCEPT MY GAY SON
• PARENTS’ FLUENCE ON LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL TEENS
• HOW CAN I LEARN TO ACCEPT MY GAY SON
• HELP! MY SON IS GAY

HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR GAY CHILD

But providg support isn't always easy — pecially if you are the parent of a lbian, gay, bisexual, transgenr or qutng (LGBTQ) child. Advote for a gay-straight alliance (GSA), which has been shown to make schools safer and boost amic performance among LGBTQ stunts.

Team up wh a pediatrician, a unselor at school, close fay members and even muny anizatns — for example, Parents, Fai and Friends of Lbians and Gays (PFLAG) — if you’re havg trouble gog alone. " If the ia of your dghter sleepg wh her boyiend unr your own roof at the age of 16 sets off every bad parentg bell the universe for you, hold your gay son or dghter to the same standards. We're sure he would e out if only he didn't thk his mom hadn't already submted her résumé for an open posn at PFLAG, which stands for Parents, Fay & Friends of Lbians and Gays.

10 TIPS FOR PARENTS OF GAY KIDS

Joan Garry is a natnally regnized gay rights lear and the former print of the Gay & Lbian Alliance Agast Defamatn (GLAAD). Don't: Ignore ItSo, your kid told you they were gay, lbian, bisexual, transgenr, or a member, some way, of the LGBTQ+ muny. Ask them about other kids they know who they n talk to about their qutns, and what thgs are like at their school (is there a Gay-Straight Alliance?

"Maybe you always had an klg that your kid was gay or transgenr, maybe you noticed your kid's affectn for a certa someone before they even regnized what those feelgs were, or you noticed certa role mols that they chose and ma some assumptns about what that meant about their inty... DANNIELLE OWENS-REID and KRISTIN RUSSO are the founrs of the LGBTQ youth anizatn Everyone Is Gay as well as s pann se for fay members of LGBTQ people, The Parents Project. This September they released their first book, This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Qutn & Answer Gui for Everyday Life (Chronicle, 2014).

As a matter of fact, you might someday look back and fd that you are grateful for the experience of havg a gay or lbian child. Well, my study of 65 fai of gay and lbian youth for the book, Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, I found that some parents get to the pot where they believe that the experience of havg a gay child actually ma them a better person—more open-md and sensive to the needs of others, particularly those other mory groups. If you jt found out your child is gay, lbian, bisexual, or transgenr, you may be thkg that such ias are prepostero.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD SAYS: "I'M GAY"

The tstworthy nfidants let them vent but also rrected some of the misperceptns they absorbed om society, such as that gay people are lonely, unhappy, promiscuo, not fay-oriented, unable to have children, or sted for an unhappy life.

COMG OUT: A PARENTS GUI TO SUPPORTG YOUR GAY TEEN

When a child first out to their parents as eher beg gay or havg same-sex attractn, their ial rpons are ually the wrong on, says Chris Doyle, a psychotherapist who specializ York Cy gay pri para crowd this undated photo. "Sce homosexualy is beg more wily accepted Amerin society, an creasg number of teens who experience SSA are intifyg as gay.

They believe that if you experience same-sex attractns, then you're gay, " Doyle told the negative rpons parents have, acrdg to Doyle, are avoidg the issue by barrg their child om talkg about SSA or their gay inty; believg that 's a passg phase; or threateng to kick their olr teen or 20-somethg child out of the hoe.

"We know, our clil rearch over the last 25 years, that fay culture, environment and other non-blogil factors play a signifint role the velopment of same-sex attractn, " he asserted, addg that parents shouldn't seek therapy as an attempt to change their the book, Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Fay Healg, wrten by Richard Cohen, executive director of IHF, Doyle said 12 prcipl are discsed to help fai navigate through SSA and s . "Regardg sleepovers and big life events such as parents' attendg a child's same-sex weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that parents treat their homosexual child the same as they would their heterosexual the se of sleepovers, parents should mata the same standards for every child and not allow their gay intified or SSA child to have somone they're attracted to spend the night wh them.

HOW CHRISTIAN PARENTS SHOULD RPOND TO THEIR CHILD'S GAY INTY CRISIS

"The same l should apply to heterosexual upl and homosexual upl, " he when down to attendg a child's gay weddg ceremony, Doyle suggted that attendg the ceremony don't necsarily reflect that the parents agree wh same-sex marriage, their prence merely shows their love for their child. They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man. Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy.

We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Th havg a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe is an dictment of his own masculy. When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other? " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son.

MANY PARENTS STGGLE TO ADJT AFTER LEARNG CHILD IS GAY, STUDY FDS

Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance. Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

GAY SUPPORT: WHERE TO FD LGBT HELP AND SUPPORT GROUPS

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships. Fathers who love their gay sons need to unrstand the unique role they play their son's self-teem and future relatnships. Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man.

Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love. And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of gay men out there watchg that relatnship too—wh tears of gratu, envy, and longg.

A new study nducted by rearchers at Gee Washgton Universy found that most parents of lbian, gay, and bisexual youth have difficulty adjtg after their kids e study says is one of the first to systematilly exame the experience of parents raisg lbian, gay and bisexual children.

MY SON MIGHT BE GAY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HIM?

”The study found that Ain Amerin and Lato parents have a harr time acceptg their lbian, gay and bisexual children, as do the parents of children who e out at a later study, which surveyed a much larger sample size than prev studi, nfirmed smaller studi that showed parents’ negative reactns tend to ease over time; the first two years are the harst for were no signifint differenc reactns between mother and father, the age of the parent, or the genr of the child.

The study did not exame the reactns for the parents of transgenr general, acceptance seems to be growg rapidly for lbian, gay and bisexual youth. One of the challeng reachg out for support if you're gay is that you may feel that others who are not gay will not unrstand your particular suatn. Gay support n help someone alg wh issu anywhere along a ntuum - om the pot where they are qutng their sexualy through alg wh the challeng of possibly g out at work or stgglg wh gay relatnship issu.

LGBT fay and iend support groups n be found through this Gay Parent magaze directory or through PFLAG – Parents, Fay and Friends of Lbians and Gays. I psed on our lol PBS affiliate, where a huge choir was sgg, and after a few sends I realized was the Gay Men's Chos of some cy or another dog a fundraisg ncert.

HBAND DON’T ACCEPT OUR GAY SON - HOW N I CHANGE HIS MD?

We had no gay people our liv back then, no way to gge my fay's level of watched as they livered a rendn of what I remember as "Somewhere Over the Rabow, " bee eher they or my memory are unfivably basic. Stirrg and brave and subversive, g as did a time before marriage equaly was on the map, a time when you only saw gay people on the news. There have been so many signs over the years, so when he told me recently that he’s gay and a relatnship wh a man, I felt relief that at last we uld both be open about .

It sounds like your hband’s ego has been hurt, pecially if he’s om that old-fashned era of not acceptg gay people.

The uple planned to fd another surrogate to liver the child, but they found the procs nfg and weren’t pletely nfint about navigatg vro fertilizatn as gay men. Matthew Eledge, left, his mother, Cecile, and his hband, Ellt Dougherty, greet baby Uma last Panowicz / via AP“Nebraska is a b more nservative, and we were hant to go to agenci, and had a b of fear that maybe some thgs would hold back beg a gay uple, ” Matthew Eledge ’s when Cecile offered to be the uple’s gtatnal rrier. Parents of gay children may be shocked when their kids e out of the closet, but once the dt settl, most parents realize that their child is the same one they have loved and red for all their liv, they jt happen to be gay.

TO HELP GAY SON, 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GIV BIRTH TO OWN GRANDCHILD

And while parental acceptance is one hurdle for a gay child, there are many other issu facg gay kids and their parents. It may be that the child bucks tradnal genr stereotyp or they may not show attentn to the oppose sex; but are the signs of a gay child? So, for example, boys that play wh dolls and have primarily girliends or girls who are tomboys and prefer to play wh guns may have an creased likelihood of growg up to be gay.

PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN AND THE ISSU THEY FACE

There also appears to be a relatnship where the more a child shows genr-nonnformg characteristics, the greater the chance that they may grow up to be gay.

EVANGELILS WH GAY CHILDREN CHALLENGE CHURCH

While knowg your child is gay may help you ease the transn to adulthood, 's cril to remember that a gay child is jt a child like any other and a parent of gay child is jt a parent, like any other. 11, is Natnal Comg-Out Day, an annual celebratn of livg openly for people who are lbian, gay, bisexual or transgenr. The are parents who know, ep down si, that a son or dghter is almost certaly gay, but hasn’t worked up the nerve to open up about .

A toddler who wore a feather boa around the hoe and plead for pk light-up sneakers wh rhton is probably tellg you somethg, even if he don’t yet know what ’re not the only on, said Ellen Kahn, the director of the Fay Project for the Human Rights Campaign, a leadg advocy group for gay men and lbians. Kahn add, “I’ve heard many parents who have said, ‘I knew my son was gay, I heard my dghter was a lbian, and I jt was wag’ ” for what she lled the “Mom, Dad: I have somethg to tell you” her home, and too many others, she said, “Nobody wanted to talk about .

HOW GOD HELPED ME ACCEPT MY GAY SON

”) Whether the parents might embrace or reject a gay child, fai naturally tend to avoid difficult subjects — and so a stalemate ensu, wh many parents worryg that the act of ncealment uld be takg a psychic toll on their child. Consirg the growg support for gay rights, as well as the rise of openly gay public figur and sympathetic rol televisn and movi, people might be fiven for thkg that ’s no big al to e out the days. “Comg out and g to terms wh beg gay is easier now, but ’s a matter of gree and not a plete reversal of the world, ” Profsor Meyer said.

Acrdg to a new survey of more than 10, 000 gay, lbian, bisexual and transgenr teenagers nducted for the Human Rights Campaign, 64 percent of those high school say they are out, and 54 percent of those middle school say they are. Kahn noted; studi suggt that gay teenagers have higher rat of suici, prsn and dg and alhol abe than their straight unterparts.

PARENTS’ FLUENCE ON LBIAN, GAY, OR BISEXUAL TEENS

The lbian, gay, bisexual and transgenr children had those worri as well — but they me after fears of rejectn by parents and fay, bullyg at school and fear of g children are out, the pollsters for the Human Rights Campaign found, they tend to be exposed to higher levels of “equent” verbal harassment (name llg) at school than those who stay the closet.

Seventeen percent of rponnts who say they are openly gay enunter the harassment; while only 12 percent who are not openly gay reported the equent harassment. The Human Rights Campaign survey suggts an answer: as tough as may be to be an openly gay child, ’s even harr to be closeted. A child might be well advised, she suggted, to e out to close iends at school but not broadst sexual orientatn to avoid harassment and stay foced on our fay, we knew that Joseph was probably gay, and we saw problems he was havg at school that he was unr psychologil prsure.

HOW CAN I LEARN TO ACCEPT MY GAY SON

We believed that keepg his sexual orientatn unr wraps (he’s sce told that he knew he was gay om the age of 8) was aggravatg the suatn. But they also suggted that we make clear that however our son turned out, we’d accept and love him — and to work referenc to gay life to our daily nversatn stead of treatg as a touchy subject bt left alone.

HELP! MY SON IS GAY

He enjoys the mic of the potty-mouthed songwrer Bo Burnham, whose ic song “My Whole Fay Thks I’m Gay” is kd of our anthem.