Straight Women and Their Gay Hbands | Psychology Today Uned Kgdom

Contents:

• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• THE REAL LEARNG CHANNEL: A STRAIGHT SPOE OF A GAY HBAND SPEAKS OUT
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2
• A STRAIGHT SUPPORT GROUP FORTIFI THE FORMER SPO OF GAYS

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe? Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight. The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show).

They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this.

People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men. Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way.

Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

This will happen even if, or maybe I should say pecially if, he is nial about his gayns. If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know. Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

THE REAL LEARNG CHANNEL: A STRAIGHT SPOE OF A GAY HBAND SPEAKS OUT

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife?

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse. Often is acpanied by doubt and self-blame, for example, "If I'd been enough of a woman (or man), he (or she) would not be gay. Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

But toxic masculy is not a uniquely heterosexual problem, and some straight women are or were married to very toxic gay men. My closeted gay hband looks at me wh rentment and disda, and he ab me physilly, emotnally, and verbally. Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg.

One woman wrote, Don't tell me they don't know they're gay by the time they're their teens.

Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn. Many straight wiv are unable to share their stori whout beg lambasted as beg homophobic.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men.

I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relatnship like he did his ex-wife. I thk your hband que clearly nsirs himself gay, which is far more relevant to your marriage than my asssment of his sense of self. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you.

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN, PART 2

That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man). ” His gayns isn’t somethg you n ntralize by beg a sufficiently good or extra-lovg wife.

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad. Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn.

A STRAIGHT SUPPORT GROUP FORTIFI THE FORMER SPO OF GAYS

Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns. So if somebody told me they’d tried somethg but they didn’t like , there would be no reason for me to thk that the person was gay.

He was a karate teacher, martial arts, a strong guy, looked like Sylvter Stallone, and gay was not one of the issu I thought about wh him. Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Then, wh the AIDS epimic, a lot of men who were gay felt as if they uld be straight, was a good time to be straight.

And at the end of the day, wasn’t the fact that he was gay that was so vastatg to me, was the way that he treated me. It’s an ternalized homophobia that I see a lot, even among gay men who are out and open.