A letter to … my ex-hband, who is gay | Fay | The Guardian

Contents:

• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• I HELPED MY EX-HBAND E OUT AS GAY. 20 YEARS LATER, I'M BT IENDS WH HIM AND HIS NEW HBAND.
• IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• A LETTER TO … MY EX-HBAND, WHO IS GAY
• QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?
• YEP, HE’S GAY
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

My Hband’s Not Gay, a show on TLC, has ed an uproar.

Why do some people bee so outspoken and judgmental about marriag wh one straight and one gay spoe? Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). They report they are attracted to men but choose not to live as a gay man and their straight wiv accept this. People seem to get up arms when a man says he is not gay but rather simply attracted to men.

In our culture, we intify ourselv via a sexual-attractn bary: gay or straight.

Later, their gay sexual inti surface and here they are—heterosexually married wh children. Many straight women married to gay men nscly choose to do so wh their ey wi open.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men.

They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife. ” To the man, I say, “Consir whether you n really keep your homosexual feelgs and sir check.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both the gay man and the straight spoe share the risk of stayg married.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. Some upl try to “live straight” and image that they will be able to not acknowledge the hband’s gayns any way. Generally, a gay man will feel a lot of emotnal distrs, grief, and prsn if he is livg so eply the closet.

This will happen even if, or maybe I should say pecially if, he is nial about his gayns. If your hband says he didn’t know he was gay when he married you, he most likely didn’t know. Most of my male clients who are gay and married to women didn’t know that their inty was gay when they married.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

They often don’t know their inty is gay when they first e to see me.

I HELPED MY EX-HBAND E OUT AS GAY. 20 YEARS LATER, I'M BT IENDS WH HIM AND HIS NEW HBAND.

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. Typilly the men are homophobic and want me to reassure them and their wiv that they aren’t gay.

A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT

She may fear that bee he is gay, he will leave her. He may fear that if he adms he is gay, she will leave him. The big qutn is: How n a gay man affirm his inty wh other gay men and at the same time rema te to his wife?

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay? " Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well. The cleart way to know if your hband is gay is if he tells you. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

Signs You Are Gay), that is when you n tly know that he is gay.

A LETTER TO … MY EX-HBAND, WHO IS GAY

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own.

In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay. You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his. He viss gay bars claimg he's there only to hang out wh his gay iend(s).

He mak ntual homophobic ments or he mak too many gay ments nversatns. His ego appears to be boosted by pliments om gay men. The signs a hband is gay are not meant to be five.

A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. The signs of a gay hband are signed as a startg pot. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

YEP, HE’S GAY

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner. (If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

Some gay men believe that beg married n rid them of their homosexualy. An excerpt om the book Signs of a Gay Hband-Intfyg Closeted Gay Hband Behavrs. I was unknowgly married to a gay man for twenty two years.

I have ma a list of mon gay behavrs hop that will help other women who may be gog through the same thg.