Gay Men and Their Fathers: Hurt and Healg | Psychology Today

Contents:

• GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG
• DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR
• ‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD
• FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA
• MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI
• FATHER AND SON MARRY: A GAY MAN HAS MARRIED HIS ADOPTED SON IN PENNSYLVANIA
• COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS
• I'M GAY, MY DAD'S A PASTOR, AND ... WE'RE WORKG ON IT
• 'DAD, I'M GAY': BOOK EXPLOR THE OFTEN CHALLENGG RELATNSHIP OF GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS
• SAME-SEX MARRIAGE: HOW A FATHER AND GAY SON PED WH TENSE SSM BATE

GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS: HURT AND HEALG

Fathers many fai are myster, distant, timidatg figur—even more so for boys wh homosexual attractns. They are the fay torchbearers of manls, and, as mal young and old know, homosexualy is nsired the dread oppose of masculy. Acrdg to Michael Kimmel, a soclogist and expert on male sex rol, men monstrate their masculy by repudiatg all that is feme and monstratg an ever-ready willgns to engage sexual terurse wh women whenever the opportuny aris- a nutshell, to prove they are not gay.

To be gay is to be powerls, weak, unable to break ee om Mommy, and the characteristics are patible wh real manls. Inially, the assertn that homophobia plays center stage men's mascule self-ncept may seem rather extreme. A boy growg to a gay man will get the msage loud and clear that he is weak, dirty, and, perhaps worst of all, ls than a man.

Th is no wonr that the boys the study for my book: Comg Out, Comg Home: Helpg Fai Adjt to a Gay or Lbian Child, relled beg so reactive and fearful of the rpons of their fathers—the very people who were expectg them to receive and rry the torch of masculy. We mt remember that fathers and sons live the same world—one that teach boys that homosexualy is patible wh real masculy and, by associatn, full male adulthood.

DAD AND DAD: A JOURNEY TO GAY FATHERHOOD – PICTUR

Fathers too were raised to not only look down upon homosexualy, but to fear themselv.

Th havg a gay son might feel particularly shameful for a father, as he may believe is an dictment of his own masculy. When a father this study ially found out his son was gay, he repeated, over and over, "Do you know what two men do to each other? " Add to this shame and disappotment men's tenncy to be stoic about problems to avoid appearg petent or weak and one gets a sense why many fathers, like those of the boys prevly quoted, did not want to discs such a topic wh a stranger—a gay stranger, no ls.

Neverthels, is important to regnize that father-son antagonism uld be particularly woundg for a gay man. Richard Isay, a psychoanalyst who specializ work wh gay men believ that gay mal unrgo a reverse-Oedipal plex whereby, as young boys, they bee subnscly sexually attracted to their fathers (rather than their mothers). When the boy is a toddler, the father anxly sens the sublimal sexual charge their relatnship and, bee he is socialized to be repelled and aaid of homosexualy, he nsequently disengag om his son.

‘A FAY LIKE OURS’: PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERHOOD

Oedipal issu asi, a velopg gay boy may monstrate some tradnally feme gtur or terts that forhadow an adult homosexual orientatn, which may turn make his father unfortable and want to distance. Sadly, father-son disengagement or stra may have particularly pernic nsequenc for gay men's adult liv and relatnships.

If this primary relatnship is characterized by fear, distance, and hostily durg childhood, as is for many gay men, this will no doubt terfere wh his abily to form and mata timate, mted relatnships wh male partners his future. For gay sons of all ag, but pecially those who are stgglg to tablish, fix, or strengthen their current same-sex relatnships, might be a good ia to look toward their past relatnships wh their fathers for sights and answers.

FORMER FATHER AND SON NOW A MARRIED GAY COUPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA

Eher way, I have found my clil work wh gay men that much eful rmatn n be gaed by examg past, and even prent father-son teractns to terme what patterns are beg repeated and/or reacted to their current relatnships. Armed wh this sight, gay men n then make more rmed choic about how to teract wh the men their liv. Fathers who love their gay sons need to unrstand the unique role they play their son's self-teem and future relatnships.

Certaly all fathers need to show that they love their sons and dghters, but fathers of gay sons need to fd ways to surmount the barrier of homophobia and socially scripted queass about gay sex to show their sons that they are ed lovable and serve the love of a good man. Although I rarely remend fictn to my clients or stunts, I urge all fathers of gay sons to follow the televisn seri Glee to study the relatnship between the gay character Kurt Hummel and his dad, Burt. Watch this very macho father reach across the great divi of sex-role expectatns to mata a relatnship wh his wonrfully "flamboyant" gay son built on unndnal love.

And also know, Dad, that there are many, many of gay men out there watchg that relatnship too—wh tears of gratu, envy, and longg. Clton, MarylandThey are the first both their fai to bee gay fathers, and received a warm wele to parenthood.

MOVG PORTRAS OF GAY FATHERS WH THEIR FAI ACROSS AMERI

Asbury Park, New JerseyThe most stunng takeaway om photographg gay dads is the equaly of their partnership while raisg their children. Brooklyn, New YorkWhile makg Dads I was surprised to fd out how many gay sgle dads there are creatg their fay through adoptn or surrogacy. Province, Rho IslandArt and Jim were one of the first gay upl to bee fathers through adoptn.

FATHER AND SON MARRY: A GAY MAN HAS MARRIED HIS ADOPTED SON IN PENNSYLVANIA

Tom and Mike wh their son Jack at a lacrosse practice at Horace Mann School, Bronx, New YorkThroughout the book the children of gay dads grow olr. Although the school and Jack’s iends know that Jack has two gay dads there was some tensn the air while posg for this photo the middle of a sports field wh all the other players around.

New York CySome gay dads choose not to share who the blogil father of their children is. Heynen planned to photograph for a book of photography featurg gay fathers and their children.

”Amerin culture has not been particularly starved of imag of gay fatherhood, particularly recent years. Celebri like Anrson Cooper have helped normalize the ia of gay men raisg children, and no longer feels revelatory to see them on televisn, as did when “Morn Fay” premiered mon, Mr.

COMG OUT TO DAD: YOUNG GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN'S EXPERIENC DISCLOSG SAME-SEX ATTRACTN TO THEIR FATHERS

Heynen said, are imag of gay fathers who aren’t Instagram ready — like two men bg their dghters’ hair or tossg a football the ont yard. It’s an unrstandable impulse, which he attribut to a sire among gay parents to feel “normal” after havg their pabili as parents ntually lled to qutn. Heynen said, but rather a celebratn of the day-to-day liv of gay Jt for the YoungCly Rose, 61, and Ryan, 12Cly Rose, who liv Manhattan, was first photographed for “Dads” three years ago after meetg Mr.

I'M GAY, MY DAD'S A PASTOR, AND ... WE'RE WORKG ON IT

Heynen at an event at the Lbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgenr Communy Center New York Cy. Heynen “a lot of cred” for cludg a father like him — a sgle dad his 60s — sce he said there is often a lack of reprentatn of olr gay people art and media, which tends to foc on young, f men. A pair of elrly gay lovers Pennsylvania went om beg father and son to beg a married uple.

Clemons believ the se pav the way for other gay upl who may be the same posn as MacArthur and Novak.

'DAD, I'M GAY': BOOK EXPLOR THE OFTEN CHALLENGG RELATNSHIP OF GAY MEN AND THEIR FATHERS

Stt Takacs, a 46-year-old and father of three, penned a personal say about his experience g out as a gay man to his sons. There wasn't much of a plan, no guibook hand, only goals that I hoped my boys would start the procs of unrstandg and acceptg their dad for whom I tly was: a gay Stt TakacsIt had been a long 15 months sce g out to my wife, an experience I unfortunately wouldn't scribe as posive, fun or somethg I ever want to repeat.

Wh many emotns and strs, I accepted her requt to keep the reason for our divorce -- due to me beg gay -- a secret for at least another year. Chigo offered the stabily I need a job, iendship and at this pot, a new relatnship that all ntributed to my healg this new gay world.

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE: HOW A FATHER AND GAY SON PED WH TENSE SSM BATE

Gay marriage was the news, but not discsed our hoe other than the ocsnal negative ment om a close relative. In many ways, a lovg place for them, but I me to realize that teachers spoke openly agast gay culture and textbooks labeled homosexualy as sful and evil. My kids listened and followed their prr to g out, was hard for me to hear my kids e home wh stori of teachers gradg gay marriage or gay people, to see their workbooks, rercg the bias agast beg gay.

The last thg I wanted was for my kids to be treated differently bee they had a gay dad, which I felt was a the year followg my divorce, I agreed not to tell the kids I was gay, so I had to be reful.

We were reful to avoid referenc to "gay" discsns and plac, although I lived the Gayborhood of Chigo, an upsle, predomantly gay area on Chigo's North Si.