Dear Pnce: I’m a straight woman who married a gay man.

Contents:

• THE LONELS OF BEG GAY A STRAIGHT MARRIAGE
• I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN
• WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• STRAIGHT UPL GET MARRIED EARLIER THAN GAY UPL. HERE'S A LOOK AT WHY.
• GAY PEOPLE WHO WERE IN HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG ARE SHARG THEIR STORI, AND THEY WERE INCREDIBLY HONT
• GAY MEN OM HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG: ATTUS, BEHAVRS, CHILDHOOD EXPERIENC, AND REASONS FOR MARRIAGE
• MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE
• MANY SUCCSFUL GAY MARRIAG SHARE AN OPEN SECRET
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR

THE LONELS OF BEG GAY A STRAIGHT MARRIAGE

Well, I, like any other gay guy knew I was gay om a young age, and like many other gay guys, felt pletely unable to e out and be hont wh myself and those around me. The thought of havg someone ‘out’ me was terrifyg… all I uld do was remove any potential of this happeng, so I beme to now when I am 43, and I have been an open and hont gay man for nearly two years. Now I know my logil md that I’m not the first married gay man to e out, and I certaly won’t be the last – but my irratnal md, I felt like I was the only one.

Jo me and Andrew for a ffee and a chat the upg episo of my podst for gay men ‘Connectn over Coffee wh The Lonels Guy’ om Thursday 16 September 2021. Subscribe to my webse through eher a basic subscriptn (ee) or premium subscriptn (monthly charge) and let’s stay nnected as we work to -stigmatise lonels and promote thentic nnectn for gay men. Sharg my work really helps reach more gay men and helps all to -stigmatise lonels and promote thentic nnectn for gay men may not feel lonely and have jt the right amount of thentic nnectn your life, but sharg this article uld really help a iend or relative who may be quietly stgglg wh the thoughts and feelgs of lonels and disnnectn.

~ Thank you ~Important notice: All views exprsed above are my own and are tend to support, challenge and spire gay men to nsir the issue of lonels and crease awarens of the need for thentic nnectn wh themselv, wh others and their muni as an antidote to chronic lonels. The qutn of how he se his gayns relatn to his two marriag to women, specifilly his current marriage to you, is both more salient and open-end, so I’d suggt you start by askg him to share more of his thoughts on the subject wh you. That will get you a lot further than tryg to figure out if your hband is “really” bisexual (and, implicly, whether that means you n safely hope he won’t leave you for someone else) or “really” gay (and, implicly, whether you have to fear that he’s gog to break up wh you for another man).

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

I recently spoke wh Bonnie Kaye, thor of Straight Wiv, Shattered Liv: Stori of Women wh Gay Hbands, among other books, and host of Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Wiv Talk Show on BlogTalkRad.

Bonnie has spent much of her adult life first livg wh and attemptg to love a gay hband and then helpg other women the same mis-marriage suatn. Bee I know untls gay men who were once married to straight women, wh varyg gre of short and longer-term happs and misery, I wanted to discs this topic, and I wanted to do so om the straight wiv’ perspective. Our discsn was wi-rangg, begng wh her own marriage to a gay man and progrsg to how she was able to move on post-marriage, eventually beg a rock for other women siar suatns.

Then somebody who was part of my social work rmed me, a uple of weeks before we were supposed to get married, that he had spicns that Robert was gay. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

WHEN GAY MEN (MIS)MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN: BONNIE KAYE'S STORY

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

And until 2015 – when the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage – that didn't clu data shows that the average age at first marriage for homosexual upl was olr than heterosexual upl. "I knew I was gay, but where I grew up was not OK to be gay, so I hid my imagary closet too sred to e out for fear that I would be beaten up and rejected. I got sober and started EMDR therapy and eventually me to terms that my sexualy was the reason for a lot of drkg, anger, and ternalized homophobia.

I ed to try and hi as a kid bee I didn’t know anyone else who had a gay parent, but now I see how fortunate I am to have divorced parents who lgh and joke and enjoy each other's pany whout any bterns or jealoy. Culture-Specific Form of Strs Based on Sexual Orientatn Among Childls Lbian and Gay Individuals Cha: Perceived Difficulti of Future Parenthood.

Bisexual men are perceived to sound more mascule than men who are straight, acrdg to a study of Atralian subjects.Amics at the Universy of Sydney pared the voic of gay, straight and bisexual men a study volvg 160 people.In the rearch led by clil psychologist Jam Morandi, people were reced to analyse the voic of 60 men, 20 of whom were gay, 20 straight and 20 bisexual. They were then asked to rate the men on their sexual orientatn g a sle om zero (exclively heterosexual) to 10 (exclively homosexual).Listeners were also asked to rate each man’s perceived level of femy or masculy the voic on a siar sle.The men volved the study were asked to rerd themselv on a smartphone recg the first two l of the Atralian natnal anthem.Voice sampl were then modified to remove any background noise while volume levels were ma the same to ensure nsistency.Rults om the study showed listeners uld distguish between gay and straight men’s voic wh an accuracy of 62 per cent, apparently nsistent wh prev rearch.However, the study participants uld not terme any differenc between bisexual and straight men’s voic wh any gree of accuracy. The thors said their rearch showed bisexual men’s voic were perceived as beg more exclively attracted to women pared wh both gay and straight men’s voic.Bisexual men’s voic were rated as more mascule than both gay and straight men’s voic.Rearchers claimed the abily to intify a man’s bisexual inty om his voice alone uld have cril social implitns such as helpg to rce feelgs of alienatn.‘Voice may unter visibily many bisexuals feel’An abstract of the study, tled Can listeners tect if a man is bisexual om his voice alone, reads: “The prent study examed whether bisexual men n be intified om their voic ak to how gay men n be intified on their voice alone.“If this is the se, voice may be an important target of discrimatn on the one hand but may also unter the visibily many bisexuals feel (if their bisexual inti n be apprehend by their voice alone, whout explic disclosure required).“The fdgs may also she light on whether bisexual male voic, like gay male voic, differ om straight voic terms of their genr non-nformy – a qutn that to date has not been examed.”But amics noted the rearch was limed on the grounds all men who participated the study are Atralian, which may not be reflected among wir cultur.And the thors nced the study did not ntrol for the rerdg environment or microphone-to-mouth distance, which uld have affected the qualy of the voice sampl.The thors said the fdgs suggted that while the voic of bisexual men the sample were perceived as more mascule and attracted to femal, listeners did not associate this imprsn wh bisexualy.As a rult, while bisexual men may appear to be at lower risk of facg voice-based intifitn and discrimatn than gay men, they may often be mistaken as beg straight.The study was published the Journal of Sex Rearch.

STRAIGHT UPL GET MARRIED EARLIER THAN GAY UPL. HERE'S A LOOK AT WHY.

A group of mps led by Ben Bradshaw, a gay Anglin, is lookg at ways to amend the legislatn to allow willg prits and parish to take part, which they argue uld also help boost dwdlg numbers the aisl. Adam* said was dangero to e out as gay his home untry and feared beg forced to an arranged marriage wh a said he was "so lucky" to wed his soulmate, Ray, Manchter and wish everyone uld marry who they love.

There are more than 60 untri wh laws that crimalise same-sex sexual acts acrdg to the Internatnal Lbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Associatn, cludg Sdi Arabia. 'Authentilly myself'Ray said he had also stggled growg up gay the 1970s and 80s England, which was "tough" said his relig school "dmmed to you, 'you are gog to hell'" Adam returned home to Sdi Arabia, spe beg more than 3, 000 apart and later rtricted by the Covid-19 panmic, they kept touch daily and the romance years ago, Ray proposed on a vio ll and after succsfully applyg for a UK fiancé visa, Adam moved to Manchter December 2022.

Adam said he had been aaid to even wear lours his home untry so the first thg he did when he moved was start to "grow my mullet, got my ears pierced and booked appotments for tattoos" relled how, ntrast, one of his gay iends Sdi had been forced to marry a woman, addg: "It has ed not only his life but the life of his wife. The uple, who live London, said a "really betiful memory" was on the way home when one of their sons shouted out of the black b wdow to Trafalgar Square, "My dads jt got married" and cheered "Yay, gay marriage". But they knew om the begng that their bond would be fed on their own terms, cludg what they ll “play” wh other the trial phase of the nstutnal battle to overturn the Proposn 8 ban on same-sex marriage nclus feral urt, gay nuptials are portrayed by opponents as an effort to rewre the tradnal l of matrimony.

GAY PEOPLE WHO WERE IN HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG ARE SHARG THEIR STORI, AND THEY WERE INCREDIBLY HONT

And while that may sound untertuive, some experts say boundary-challengg gay relatnships reprent an evolutn marriage — one that might pot the way for the survival of the rearch at San Francis State Universy reveals jt how mon open relatnships are among gay men and lbians the Bay Area. The Gay Coupl Study has followed 556 male upl for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outsi their relatnships, wh the knowledge and approval of their nsent is key.

“Wh straight people, ’s lled affairs or cheatg, ” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s prcipal vtigator, “but wh gay people do not have such negative nnotatns.

A different study, published 1985, nclud that open gay relatnships actually lasted of this is news the gay muny, but few will speak publicly about .

GAY MEN OM HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAG: ATTUS, BEHAVRS, CHILDHOOD EXPERIENC, AND REASONS FOR MARRIAGE

Among the upl, when the gay, lbian, or bisexual partner out, a third of the upl break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then spl; the remag third try to make their marriag work.

What feelgs and reactns n follow, if after years one of the spo disclos that he or she is gay, lbian, or bisexual (henceforth, LGB+), or if fay members fd out about ?

The procs of a g out a long-term heterosexual relatnship n be very challengg not only for the volved gay men, lbians, and bisexual women and men, but also for their fay members bee they are affected by disntui tablished personal relatnships, expectatns of havg a heterosexual relatnship, and strong genr and fay scripts (Buxton, 2000, 2012; Wolkomir, 2009; Hernanz et al., 2011; Li and Samp, 2019). In this study g out a long-term heterosexual relatnship is fed as an inty velopment procs later life cludg the disclosure of gay, lbian, or bisexual feelgs to fay members or partners after years of a heterosexual relatnship (or marriage) wh or whout children (Hernanz et al., 2011). Th, g out a long-term heterosexual relatnship is not only challengg bee fay members need to al wh their own thoughts and feelgs and possibly negative attus toward homosexualy and bisexualy, but also bee their tablished fay and genr scripts and former fay stcture need to be re-adjted toward an dividual “solutn” beyond tablished fay scripts.

MANY BRONS HAVE CHANGED THEIR MDS ON GAY MARRIAGE

How did children handle that their mother or father cid to live as lbian, gay, or bisexual spe of the long-term relatnship to their other parent?

MANY SUCCSFUL GAY MARRIAG SHARE AN OPEN SECRET

People assume heterosexualy unls the person munit that he or she is lbian, gay, or bisexual, which is summarized unr the term pulsory heterosexualy (Manng, 2016). At the same time lbians, gay men, and bisexual people often fd themselv a suatn which they have to e out to others and disclose that they have romantic and sexual feelgs toward members of the own genr (Rt, 2003).

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

The mory strs mol predicts that the expectatn of beg rejected, ncealg one’s own sexual orientatn, and ternalized homonegativy n e ser problems (Meyer, 2003). Especially when g out at a later age and a life plan has been tablished to be heterosexual, cludg marriage and children, people may not allow themselv to feel their homosexualy accepted and appreciated. Generally, lbian, gay, and bisexual dividuals n experience strs when they fear experiencg, or directly experience, stigma, prejudice, and discrimatn bee of their sexual orientatn.

A study on discsns about homosexualy clud them such as seekg rmatn about homosexualy and the LGB+ muny, alg wh heteronormative nventns; workg through first feelgs of sadns, loss, and blame; g out as a fay; and stigma management (Beeler and DiProva, 1999).

CALIFORNIA STILL HAS AN ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE LAW ON THE BOOKS. VOTERS ULD REMOVE NEXT YEAR

Rearch projects that have ed different methodologil approach show that siblgs n be a rource the g out procs: Different predictors as the relatnship adulthood, the ntact to lbian and gay dividuals, the support of lbian and gay rights, and relig attendance were related to siblgs’ acceptance of lbian and gay sisters and brothers (Hilton and Szymanski, 2014). A study, cludg an Italian sample, found that first-born gay men revealed their sexual orientatn more likely to their fathers than gay men who had an olr siblg; lbians rather ncealed their sexual orientatn to their fathers and brothers (Pistella et al., 2020).

Most of the rearch body that foced on g out long-term heterosexual relatnships has alt wh mixed-orientatn-marriag (MOM) – marriag that nsist of one straight person and one person wh gay, lbian, or bisexual feelgs. In addn, there are several them that are unique for straight spo followg the g out of their spo: uncertaty whether the relatnship was thentic, feelgs of guilt, qutng genr rol, qutng own sexual inty or orientatn, ncerns about the stigmatizatn of the fay or the children, keepg homosexualy or bisexualy a secret, and fear of sexually transmted diseas (see Buxton, 2006). As obstctive factors for the matenance of the MOM, straight women ced their tradnal ncepts of marriage, their iends’ negativy, and their hband’s need for gay sex or a gay relatnship (Buxton, 2000).