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class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ AlertMsage-jgAjgo bVCFRm jEGgOR bmhHIl alert-msage"><p>To revis this article, vis My Profile, then<!-- --> <a href="/acunt/saved">View saved stori</a></p></div><button class="BaseButton-bLlsy ButtonWrapper-xCepQ gJNxgH bSqbcl button button--utily close-alert-button" data-event-click="{"element":"Button"}" data-ttid="Button" role="button" type="button"><span class="ButtonLabel-cjAuJN bBWXSg button__label">Close Alert</span><div class="ButtonInWrapper-gFdzAL bPDyTT button__in-ntaer"><svg class="ButtonIn-YqaGo iwlhuX button-in in in-close" focable="false" viewBox="0 0 32 32" width="32" height="32" xmlns="><path d="M16 14.586l6.364-6.364 1.414 1.414L17.414 16l6.364 6.364-1.414 1.414L16 17.414l-6.364 6.364-1.414-1.414L14.586 16 8.222 9.636l1.414-1.414z" fill-le="nonzero"></path></svg></div></button></div></div><div class="StackedNavigatnSectnLogo-gMsxSu dwOfTV"><a href="/" class="StackedNavigatnLogoLk-byNqXP dmvHfj"><picture 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data-ttid="ContentHearContaer" class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp eiGjZk"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT tPofh"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX gPBNpL bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU cwyjHY bric__lk" href="/culture"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Culture</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd jdcWfa isouMH">¡Hola Papi!: Is My Co a Closet Homophobe?</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ eijTxK">What do you do when someone you love reveals they're ls of a queer ally than you thought? Our advice lumnist go .</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearContributorImage-cvjZXn epCAJC"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearContributorImage-cvjZXn epCAJC rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 80w" siz="66px"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 90w" siz="66px"/><img alt="" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></span><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH hdWCIC byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd bCbgyH gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd hSmufO skIR eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/john-pl-brammer">John Pl Brammer</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2018-07-30T08:00:00-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd dCoEhu bDGyxQ">July 30, 2018</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard ContentHearAccredatnSocialIns-jorO fPzfaa ntent-hear__social-share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"><li class="SocialInsListItem-mbhR fxaFQj social-ins__list-em social-ins__list-em--twter social-ins__list-em--standard"><a aria-label="Share on Twter" class="external-lk SocialInExternalLk-huuzOU blkfJb social-ins__lk social-ins__lk--twter" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"!%3A%20Is%20My%20Co%20a%20Closet%20Homophobe%3F&via=them"}" 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article-body__ntent"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP bwyLBj"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bectqB body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p><em>Wele to Hola Papi!, the preement advice lumn by John Pl Brammer, a Twter-addled gay Mexin wh chronic anxiety who thks he n fix your life.</em> <em>If you’re a queer person facg a dilemma — maybe you’re thkg about dumpg your partner (they fot your birthday), fightg wh your roommate (they never pch for groceri), or beg hnted by a gay ghost your attic (the screams won’t stop and the cleansg rual has failed) — we’ve got you vered.</em></p><p><em>If you need advice, send him a qutn at <a href=""></a>. Be sure to beg your letter wh “Hola Papi!” It’s part of the whole al.</em></p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p> </p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="flq4er"></div></div><p>Hola Papi!</p><p>Wow, you're posively glowg today! Are you g a new moisturizer? Your barber looks like he tak a lot of pri gettg your beard #jt #right. OK, now that I have your attentn...</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>Last week was hard. Very hard. I received some sry news om a doctor. I’ll spare the tails of the vis, but I will tell you that I have now qu drkg alhol and eatg meat.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Wh my md racg, and out of a daze on a b back to the cy, I asked my younger , who is cisgenr and heterosexual, if she wanted to spend the night at my place. I need a fay member there for me, and she’s one of the most important people my life. Her opn matters to me. Her wellbeg matters to me. I’d get up the middle of the night and drive for hours to help her if she asked.</p><p>She’s always been supportive of me, om when I was “straight” high school, to gay llege, and now nonbary my 20s. She is still tryg to remember my genr ntral pronouns, and while she slips up sometim, I know she is tryg.</p><p>That night, I took her to my lol queer bar for karaoke, where she proceed to drk a b more than she uld handle. She wiggled her way to strangers’ nversatns, got people’s fac tryg to make jok and overstayed her wele. She kept tryg to make out wh my lbian iend, who was NOT to . She acted a legimate fool my safe space.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="uoboe7"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="niugpx"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bectqB body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>On a night when I need her support most, I end up takg re of her at my queer bar and leavg early stead of troducg her to my iends. The next morng she told me she blacked out. It don't matter if I believe her or not.</p><p>I’ve already told her how I feel — that she disrpected me when I was most vulnerable — but I n’t get past how she seemed so fortable beg the leral worst my queer bar. She expertly played the part of the dnk bachelorette, gawkg a gay bar like was a zoo. She took up a lot of space while dancg, shoutg and talkg to people. I feel like she treated my LGBTQ+ fay, people who were there jt to unwd and be fortable, like they were sishows, merely there for her entertament.</p><p>I don’t know how to brg up wh her. I don’t know how to let go.</p><p>Help me, Papi. You’re my only hope.</p><p>Regards,<br/>Is My Co a Secret Homophobe?</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p> </p><p><strong>First of all, thank you for noticg my youthful glow.</strong> It’s te, I am moisturized. As a bon piece of advice, I’ll drop the skre route: Break to an Equox gym at night and e their plementary Kiehl’s products. It’s OK if they ban you om one. Ne tim out of ten, the other lotns won’t even regnize you as “the Kiehl’s band.”</p><p>Anyway, let’s get to your problem. Issue number one is that your , whom you love and tst, serly let you down when you need her to be there for you. Her behavr was high-key embarrassg, and left you send-gusg her alleged support of you as a non-bary person and her support of queer people general.</p><p>Issue number two is an age-old dilemma: cishets who don’t know how to behave queer bars, a problem we as a muny have been grapplg wh ever sce Kaylee wh the Penis Crown started throwg bachelorette parti our spac and brgg John “But What If The Gays H On Me?” Smh wh her.</p><p>First, let’s talk about your , who at your word I will assume is ed cishet. The way she acted is excable. She flunked a tt you didn’t even admister. You have every right to be upset over that. It’s unnervg to thk that the alli our liv uld harbor prejudic that are jt wag to jump out — and ’s even more unsettlg when they nfirm those spicns. It’s somethg I’ve experienced before as well, mostly spac where drks are poured. Casual bigotry. Jt add alhol!</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="4jznu9"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG recirc-most-popular-sparrow-trackg hi-asi-ad" data-most-popular-id="mod-most-popular-26"><div class="RecircMostPopularHeadg-iVzhzt jKtkdT">Most Popular</div><ul class="RecircMostPopularItems-dCAajf gqcRrp"><li><div 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class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name">Samantha Riel</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw gmWMTZ ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="qoblvx"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs laPXdt"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="3bm58"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa bectqB body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>But beg an ally of margalized people don’t mean you’re gog to get right all the time. In our enavor to support muni we don’t belong to, we have to be willg to take cricism and rrect our behavr. The te tt of whether or not your is a “closet homophobe” will e when you prent her wh your jtified disappotment and tratn. To be an ally is an aspiratnal thg. It’s not about arrivg at a place where you fally “get .” It’s about mtg yourself to dog better. Your needs to do that.</p><p>I’m not a proponent of puttg up wh fay members who mistreat jt bee they’re fay. But I would hate for you to lose your relatnship wh your bee she screwed up. I know that the on of renciliatn is always put upon queer people the suatns, and there’s nothg fair about that.</p><p>So often, seems like we have to be the bigger person and take time to te and five those who transgrs agast — like our supposed alli who make queerns the butt of their jok, or Aunt Mavis who ma a weird, vaguely homophobic Facebook post about Queer Eye, but who is gog to show up at Christmas so we ci not to make awkward by remdg her of her divorce.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-3 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>The toll of matag the relatnships is higher for than is for cishet people. It’s healthy to ocsnally check wh ourselv and qutn if we’re expendg too much energy on keepg the people around, and if we need to sever ti, if that’s on the table. But you said you would drop everythg and drive for hours to see this person if that’s what she need. That, to me, says you re too much to give up on her.</p><p>As for how to do , I see no reason to hi your feelgs of tratn and disappotment when you raise the issue to her. I would jt make sure there’s enough distance between you and that night to allow yourself to thk and to exprs yourself clearly. Also, she ow your lbian iend a ser apology for not rpectg her boundari. You should check on that iend to get her feedback as well.</p><p>That leav the broar problem of cishet people who act like plete fools queer spac. To put scientific terms, cishets are like a gas. They want to expand to occupy as much space as possible, even spac that aren’t for them, bee they thk the whole world is their personal Buffalo Wild Wgs. This is mon a society that ndns all of to thk of queer people as a flashy si project the dull enterprise of cisgenr heterosexualy. It’s sad, but reaffirms our need for spac where their gaze isn’t so proment, which don’t have to be a bar, by the way. Try seekg out queer muny other settgs.</p><p>Brg your feelgs to your and give her the opportuny to apologize and to prove wh her actns that she heard you loud and clear. Remember that cishet people are embarrassg general, which is why ’s important for to have our own spac. Break to gyms and load up on their products. Be Queer. Do crim!</p><p>Signed,<br/>Papi</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="blj0a5"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer ntaer--body"><div 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is my cousin gay

There are lots of reasons why you might want to know if your iend is gay. There are some important thgs that you have to unrstand about this suatn before gog forward, however. Someone's sexualy is highly plex and highly...

Contents:

HOW TO FD OUT IF A FAY MEMBER IS GAY

One day, you may hear a remark that mak you wonr if one of your relativ is gay, though the subject has never e up. Though 's not always obv, if you watch a person and the people they spend time wh, there may be some clu... * is my cousin gay *

If you jt have a feelg that your brother is gay, that's okay. If you thk your brother is gay bee he watch a "girly" TV show or his voice sounds a certa way, that's relyg on stereotyp. If you live a particularly homophobic or transphobic area, discs safety plans wh the fay member se of vlence om others.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY

* is my cousin gay *

If your fay member has e out as gay or bisexual, accept that they will end up seeg someone of their own genr, and that's perfectly okay.

Don't be aaid to rearch beg gay, bisexual, transgenr, asexual, or whatever your fay member me out as. I thk he might be gay.

If you saw your brother kissg another guy and he said he is not attracted to women, y, he is gay.

WHY IS MY GAY?

bee s an illns. u should get rid of that . gay is a no. * is my cousin gay *

How do I tell if a child is gay? They might have a lack of tert the oppose sex if they’re homosexual or asexual.

One day, you may hear a remark that mak you wonr if one of your relativ is gay, though the subject has never e up.

Though 's not always obv, if you watch a person and the people they spend time wh, there may be some clu to help you terme for sure whether or not they are gay.

IS YOUR CHILD GAY?

If you are able to provi this kd of supportive environment, the kid won't feel threatened and then, even if turns out s/he isn't gay after all, you will both be happier, and enjoy a stronger, closer relatnship the barga. A "gay mannerism" is not necsarily ditive of a person's sexual orientatn; straight men might spend a lot of time wh girls, jo a dance team, or jo a cheerleadg team. You may be thkg that a very young child shows "signs" of beg gay - you would probably be wrong that thkg as children are very fluid their behavrs, first intifyg strongly wh their parent of the same sex, and then wh the oppose sex parent.

Wele to Hola Papi!, the preement advice lumn by John Pl Brammer, a Twter-addled gay Mexin wh chronic anxiety who thks he n fix your life. If you’re a queer person facg a dilemma — maybe you’re thkg about dumpg your partner (they fot your birthday), fightg wh your roommate (they never pch for groceri), or beg hnted by a gay ghost your attic (the screams won’t stop and the cleansg rual has failed) — we’ve got you you need advice, send him a qutn at Be sure to beg your letter wh “Hola Papi! I’d get up the middle of the night and drive for hours to help her if she ’s always been supportive of me, om when I was “straight” high school, to gay llege, and now nonbary my 20s.

She expertly played the part of the dnk bachelorette, gawkg a gay bar like was a zoo. Regards, Is My Co a Secret Homophobe? Her behavr was high-key embarrassg, and left you send-gusg her alleged support of you as a non-bary person and her support of queer people number two is an age-old dilemma: cishets who don’t know how to behave queer bars, a problem we as a muny have been grapplg wh ever sce Kaylee wh the Penis Crown started throwg bachelorette parti our spac and brgg John “But What If The Gays H On Me?

EVERYONE EHER IS OR HAS A GAY CO AND THE 22 TWEETS ABOUT THE GAY CO ARE FUNNY TO ME AND PROBABLY YOU

The te tt of whether or not your is a “closet homophobe” will e when you prent her wh your jtified disappotment and tratn.

I know that the on of renciliatn is always put upon queer people the suatns, and there’s nothg fair about often, seems like we have to be the bigger person and take time to te and five those who transgrs agast — like our supposed alli who make queerns the butt of their jok, or Aunt Mavis who ma a weird, vaguely homophobic Facebook post about Queer Eye, but who is gog to show up at Christmas so we ci not to make awkward by remdg her of her toll of matag the relatnships is higher for than is for cishet people.

My is 28, Male and openly Gay. There are lots of reasons why you might want to know if your iend is gay. You may want to know if your iend is gay, but there may be a good reason why they're stayg closeted.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* IS MY COUSIN GAY

Is Your Child Gay? - Scientific Amerin .

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