Dear Pnce: I’m a straight woman who married a gay man.

gay man's female friend

A lack of anxiety related to gay men's sexual tent creas women's fort.

Contents:

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN MAKE THE BT OF FRIENDS

Sam Wilkson me out as gay at 18 years old, then realised he was pansexual after fallg love wh his female bt iend. * gay man's female friend *

Subsequently, women wh more gay iends feel sexier and more self-nfint about their bodi by parison to women who don't have gay iends. Perhaps unsurprisgly, women say their iendships wh gay people are more hont and secure than those wh straight dividuals, male or female.

I’M THAT GAY GUY WH ALL FEMALE IENDS

Could gay guys be the ultimate wg men for their straight, male iends? * gay man's female friend *

In other words, is the bond between straight women-gay man iends unique bee they n provi each other hont, unbiased romantic advice?

The thors suggt the possibily that gay men may pete for mat the same way that straight women do wh each other, though they note remas to be studied.

CALL ME BY MY PRONOUNS: WHY GAY MEN CALL EACH OTHER "GIRL"

Will and Grace knew . Dto for Stanford and Carrie. Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. * gay man's female friend *

In orr to vtigate whether straight women and gay men see each other as the most tstworthy advisers on matters of the heart, the thors vised a clever puter task.

Lbians were add as a target bee although they have ltle mon wh gay men, they are also unlikely to give biased love life advice.

Naturally, the straight female target profile picture was different than that of gay and straight mal (the same was ed for both); sexual preference was tailored acrdgly. Straight women perceived the romantic advice of gay men to be signifintly more tstworthy than that of straight men and women, who were equally ls helpful. If you're the mood for a lighthearted take on the specialns of the straight woman-gay man iendship, the song “Gay Bt Friend” ptur hilar fashn.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

There are lots of reasons why you might want to know if your iend is gay. There are some important thgs that you have to unrstand about this suatn before gog forward, however. Someone's sexualy is highly plex and highly... * gay man's female friend *

There’s some evolutnary explanatn for this: Bee gay men and straight women are not petg for the same mat, and this may be why they excel at dispensg datg advice when I scurry to the bathroom, mid-Tr date, need of a send opn.

Unfortunately, though, our teacher scrapped the project last-mute, believg that the ncept was too ak to a romantic realy after our article was nned, my search for a male bt iend — and my ternalized homophobia — prsed on. The e of she/her pronouns by cisgenr gay men, along wh words such as "girl" or "honey, " is a long-standg and creasgly visible practice. For many gay men, g the words wh their iends is a way of embracg femy and showg vulnerabily or affectn to others who share their inti.

WHY STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ARE OFTEN SO CLOSE

* gay man's female friend *

Creatg a shared culture — cludg language — around femy n be a way of reclaimg the bas for opprsn many gay men have experienced, as well as disptg the harmful genr few if any lguistic practic are all one thg, all the time. It may be time to reevaluate cis gay men’s e of words like "she" and "girl" to make sure they align wh ongog efforts to rpect nonbary genr inti, and avoid makg assumptns about people’s pronouns.

Lguists, social scientists, and crics have observed and studied cis gay men’s e of “she, ” and their asssments pot to the multiple and often nflictg dimensns of the practice.

So for even to make sense for gay men to e ‘she, ’ we have to have some kd of associatn wh ‘she, ’ and ually that associatn is femy, whatever that might mean to or our culture.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY

Popular TV shows and films have portrayed gay men as fabulo, supportive, and amg nfidants for straight women. However, this portrayal of gay men isn't realistic, and 's not really a good ia to seek out iends based on... * gay man's female friend *

It’s not a recent formatn at all, ” explas William Leap, an emer profsor of anthropology at Amerin Universy and pneerg expert on queer men llg each other "she" or "girl" was historilly a way of protectg themselv as well as buildg muny the ntext of homophobic and vlent mastream culture.

”Yet some women have experienced gay men g words like “girl” toward them ways that don’t feel all that different om the misogyny they have experienced om straight men. “I also saw beg negatively ed when whe gay men would say, like, ‘Oh girl, what are you talkg about, ’ and they would be talkg to a woman of lor, pecially a Black woman. ”Consirg misogyny wh gay men’s language practic rais the qutn of how g words like “girl” or “honey” is nnected to their e of other, more ntroversial words that have historilly been ed to mean women, such as “bch” and “cunt.

” Multiple terviewe referenced RuPl’s Drag Race as a show that has popularized the e of words associated wh femy among cis gay men. ”“Gay men are a large group of people wh a lot of different kds of relatnships to genr, and I thk there are absolutely gay men who operate relatn to feme language that really is a reflectn of their male privilege, whether ’s through g ways that nigrate or stereotype women, or whether ’s jt feelg license to e the language how they see f, ” says Zimman, the lguist om UC Santa Barbara. Paris Is Burng, the 1990 documentary on Harlem’s drag ball scene, as well as Drag Race, have brought the e of words like "she" and "girl" between Black and Latx drag queens to a wir gay (and straight) dience; today this is somethg employed by gay men of all rac.

WHY DO WOMEN PREFER GAY MEN AS FRIENDS?

Wealthy whe gay cis men llg each other "girl" may be drastilly different om Black or Latx gay cis men who ntue to be margalized very different is visible a film like Paris Is Burng, a few s ago there were more shared spac, language, and culture between cis gay men, trans women, and genr-nonnformg dividuals.

That kd of rejectn of genr nonnormativy also giv the suatn we fd today, where we have more of a spl between gay men and trans women, for stance, than we might have seen prev s. “Wh ‘girl/she/her, ’” they say, “if I’m socializg wh cis gay men and that’s what they’re g to scribe each other and to scribe me, there is a ltle b of dissonance there, bee I’m not really sure if they’re g that to validate my genr, or if ’s beg ed as ’s ed wh other cis gay men. We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another.

Gay men – particularly those nservative and ral environments – rema wary about tryg to beiend straight men, fearg prejudice-fueled rejectn. At the same time, many straight men still doubt that they’ll be able to relate to gay men any meangful way and, for this reason, may not try to iate a iendship.

ARE STRAIGHT WOMEN AND GAY MEN “NATURAL ALLI”? AN EVOLUTNARY ACUNT

If they’re open-md about beiendg gay men and make the effort to try to fe iendships based upon mon terts, gay men should feel more fortable reciprotg. Gay men who disclose their sexual orientatn to their straight male iends earlier life may be able to build more open and hont iendships wh them to adulthood. Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another.

MEN AND WOMEN AS FRIENDS – WHEN ONE IS GAY OR LBIAN

If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another. In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys.

Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person. We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships.

Image a scenar where you have a gay man (who has never had sexual terts women) who has all female iends, who know he is gay, and no male iends.

HOW TO GET A GAY MALE FRIEND (FOR GIRLS)

Now a new psychology study has provid evince that gay men and straight women are the perfect iends wh benefs – as long as the benefs have to do wh tstworthy relatnship advice. “I was terted the evolutnary perspective as to why gay men and straight women form close iendships, ” says Eric Rsell, a visg psychology rearcher at the Universy of Texas At and lead thor of the study, published the latt issue of Evolutnary Psychology. Rsell wonred if had somethg to do wh the exchange of matg advice sce gay men and straight women aren’t romantic partners or matg petn and were “uniquely posned to exchange tstworthy rmatn.

I’M A STRAIGHT WOMAN WHO MARRIED A GAY MAN

”To tt his hypothis, Rsell enlisted the help of 88 straight women and 58 gay men, all unrgrads om the Texas ChristianUniversy, and nducted two one, straight women were prented wh a scenar volvg a party, a iend who bags out at the last mute and a substute “date” named Jordan. Rearchers asked the women to look up a Facebook profile for Jordan -- who was prented as eher a straight woman, a straight man or a gay man – and then answer a seri of qutns.

In the send study, gay men were prented wh the exact same scenar except the Facebook profile picted Jordan as eher a straight woman, a gay woman or a gay qutns – signed to terme the level of tst tt subjects had for each genr/sexual preference – were ccial to the person’s “game. As turned out, straight women did tst advice given by the gay Jordan more than the advice they got om a straight female or straight male Jordan. “On average, I would say gay men and straight women probably tst each other around 20 percent more than other dividuals, ” says Rsell.

Rsell says he wasn’t surprised by the fdgs, although he did fd tertg that gay men were jt as tstg of straight women as straight women were of gay men.

I INTIFIED AS A GAY MAN, THEN I FELL IN LOVE WH MY FEMALE HOEMATE IN LOCKDOWN

”It’s a dynamic well-documented movi, lerature and pop culture, says Rsell, potg to famo gay guy-straight gal iendships like Will and Grace and Kurt and Rachel om Glee. There’s even a seri of YouTube vios om the edy group Send Cy showg how a number of famo straight women om lerature – thk Juliet, Lady MacBeth and Charl Dickens’ Miss Havisham – uld have benefed om a “sassy gay iend.

Lare was the maid of honor at Fick' weddg, and Fick was Lare's“In general, if you were askg whether I’d tst a straight woman or a gay man an unknown suatn, I’d probably end up tstg the straight woman rather than the gay guy, ” he says. ”Christyne Blount, a 38-year-old fancial analyst om Seattle, says she fely would tst a gay man more than that of a straight man when me to datg advice but feels her straight women iends are every b as reliable. For example, his fay may be vlently homophobic and by cidg that he's gay, you may out him by accint by treatg him different or implyg somethg whout meang to.

*BEAR-MAGAZINE.COM* GAY MAN'S FEMALE FRIEND

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data-ttid="ContentHearContaer" class="ContentHearContaer-cGKRbE knDxNq"><div class="ContentHearHedAccredatnWrapper-GFiQf cDNVlV"><div data-ttid="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper" class="ContentHearTleBlockWrapper-cjmSKp cCntXd"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubric" class="ContentHearRubricBlock-LmpbT eRFpQc"><div data-ttid="ContentHearRubricDateBlock" class="ContentHearRubricDateBlock-kAQcZP fTFWxD"><div class="RubricWrapper-dKmCNX kpuNXj bric ContentHearRubricContaer-eTudtt iRsSlw"><a class="RubricLk-gRWSOU fTtYjx bric__lk" href="/sex-and-relatnships"><span class="RubricName-fVtemz cLxcNi">Sex and Relatnships</span></a></div></div></div><h1 data-ttid="ContentHearHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearHed-NCyCC iUEiRd jPOabC BjYFU">The Men Who Have Mostly Female Friends</h1></div><div class="ContentHearAccredatn-lfctVB etVsnJ ntent-hear__accredatn" data-ttid="ContentHearAccredatn"><div class="ContentHearDek-bIqFFZ eASNBN">For the guys, “emotnal sharg” is more important.</div><div class="ContentHearByle-kmPyCa emiglw"><div class="ContentHearByleContent-dpPmNn DRFq"><div data-ttid="BylWrapper" class="BylWrapper-KIudk irTIfE byl ContentHearByl-cZqgyJ bHLeKI"><p class="ByleWrapper-jWHrLH gtxxjM byle byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span><a class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BaseLk-eNWuiM ByleLk-gEnFiw iUEiRd fhQbnq dzFUnH eErqIx byle__name-lk button" href="/ntributor/lren-larson">Lren Larson</a></span></span></p></div><time data-ttid="ContentHearPublishDate" dateTime="2019-05-09T08:58:03-04:00" class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ ContentHearPublishDate-eIBicG iUEiRd ivrQAn cZpOSL">May 9, 2019</time></div></div><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--standard ContentHearAccredatnSocialIns-jorO fPzfaa ntent-hear__social-share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div></div><div class="ContentHearLeadAsset-hGbumP fEknXh lead-asset ContentHearLeadAssetWrapper-hfXHEc Grck lead-asset--width-fullbleed" data-ttid="ContentHearLeadAsset"><figure class="ContentHearLeadAssetContent-kOfYSG dRGWbI"><div class="ContentHearLeadAssetContentMedia-bLEIpi jjhWdS lead-asset__ntent__photo"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm"><div data-tt="aspect-rat-ntaer" class="AspectRatContaer-bJHpJz ccdiSo"><div class="aspect-rat--overlay-ntaer"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa ContentHearRponsiveAsset-bREgIb hONbnm rponsive-image"><source media="(max-width: 767px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w" siz="100vw"/><source media="(m-width: 768px)" srcSet=" 120w, 240w, 320w, 640w, 960w, 1280w, 1600w, 1920w, 2240w" siz="100vw"/><img alt="I LOVE YOU MAN om left Rashida Jon Pl Rudd 2009" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="></picture></div></div></span><div class="CaptnWrapper-jSZdqE dVZQpq ptn ContentHearLeadAssetCaptn-hPWmSN XczIg"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ CaptnCred-ejegDm iUEiRd cdsJgg fNaHcW ptn__cred">© DreamWorks/Courty Everett Collectn</span></div></div></figure></div></div><asi class="PersistentAsiWrapper-VGrR oEIBz persistent-asi persistent-asi--align-left" style="posn:absolute;top:to;height:to" data-ttid="PersistentAsiWrapper"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jNgrSF sticky-box ContentHearPersistentAsi-fsnAmQ dFzKzm"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="SocialInsWrapper-hKMEXV ffgPVr social-ins social-ins--has-background ContentHearSocialIns-jzJiyg ctaZl social-ins--share"><ul data-ttid="socialInslist" class="SocialInsList-cHVTIA ivmblD social-ins__list"></ul></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></asi></hear></div><div data-attribute-verso-pattern="article-body" class="ArticlePageContentBackGround-cNiFNN kJkLmH article-body__ntent"><div class="ArticlePageChunksContent-etcMtP eRxRjL"><div data-ttid="ArticlePageChunks" class="ArticlePageChunks-fLyCVG eOdfIs"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p><strong>Tom, 27, first noticed</strong> that his iendships were skewg womanward llege. Sce then, he’s found even more difficult to make male iends. “It really is easier for me to jt be sual wh women, and eventually bee iends, rather than dus,” he says of his platonic iendships. “Maybe that's a problem on my part.”</p><p>Tom isn’t the only one who has noticed the genr imbalance of his relatnships. Recently, when he had a few acquatanc over to watch wrtlg—he’s actively tryg to cultivate male iends—he took a picture of the group hangg out and sent to his roommate. She rpond immediately, “I had no ia you had this many male iends!” There were four men the photograph. Tom scrolled through his recent texts: Of the ten iends he’s texted most recently, all except one are female.</p><p>Friendships between men and women are on the rise the U.S. In recent tim, there’s been ls cultural skepticism around iendships between gay men and straight women—though those relatnships n also be <a data-offer-url=" class="external-lk" data-event-click="{"element":"ExternalLk","outgogURL":"" href=" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">ght</a>—but platonic relatnships between straight, unmarried men and women are still subject to some spicn, particularly beyond childhood. In his 2008 book <em>Buddy System: Unrstandg Male Friendships,</em> Geofey Greif, Ph.D., a profsor at the Universy of Maryland School of Social Work, wrote that 65 percent of women and 75 percent of men reported havg nonsexual iendships wh the oppose genr. (He attributed the reported discrepancy to the subjectivy of relatnships, and nclud that an equal percentage of men and women have platonic iendships. I attribute the difference to typil male hubris.) Greif says that the number of men platonic iendships wh women has likely creased sce he published <em>Buddy System</em>.</p><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><p>The rise of male-female relatnships general has also ma way for guys like Tom, whose iends are almost all women. Tom and the other men I spoke to for this piece, all of whom have wi works of close female iends, are enuragg unterpots to last week’s viral say <a href="><em>Harper’s Bazaar</em></a>. Wrer Melanie Hamlett scribed straight men as “strand on an emotnally-stunted island” wh no iends, theorizg that many men, lackg timate male iendships, are actg like “emotnal gold diggers” toward their wiv and girliends. “Men are tght that feelgs are a female thg,” one woman told Hamlett. Th, Hamlett theorized, men save their emotnal sharg for their partner, whereas women are more likely to share their feelgs wh a work of <a href=">therapists</a> and iends.</p><div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--article-mid-ntent" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--article-mid-ntent nsumer-marketg-un__slot---ntent"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><p>Hamlett c one man, who started a “men’s group” to create a non-threateng space to share feelgs. “I need support and timacy that wasn’t tied up to one relatnship,” he said. But Hamlett’s say don’t addrs the men who regnize the importance of emotnal sharg, and who seek that out not jt om one woman but om a work of iends. Those men aren’t necsarily the emotnal paras that Hamlett scrib. Rather, my experience, iendships wh men n be very symbtic: They listen well, they know how and when to give advice, and they brg a unique perspective to my grievanc.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB kNleGZ sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="Contaer-bkChBi byNLHx"></div><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="940ap"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="d6rp6u"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>While I disagree wh Hamlett’s implitn that men are pable of “unpaid emotnal labor” their relatnships—I have <a href=">scream-cried my feelgs</a> at many, many men—I do see where the archetypal male iendship, which is built on sports and beer, might preclu the airg of feelgs. That mol is culturally rerced to the extent that, for a long time, men wh mostly female iends were objects of spicn. I remember feelg a vague mistst toward Adam Driver’s character <em>Girls</em> when all his iends were revealed to be women a 2012 episo. And, a few years later, I shyly nonted the man I was datg about why he didn’t have any male iends (he had never thought about before) and then ls shyly suated that he had hooked up wh one of his female iends (they started datg after we broke up).</p><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad---ntent"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot---ntent" data-no-id="f200vs"></div></div><p>Now the trop about men wh mostly close female iends look archaic: It seems very ’80s—very <a href="><em>When Harry Met Sally</em></a>—to assume that a man who spends most of his time wh women is jt tryg to hook up wh them, or that he’s gay. Perhaps bee #MeToo has ma me more aware of the ill effects of masculy when ’s ncentrated a toxic clique, I feel unsettled by men who <em>don’t</em> have female iends. It’s like lookg at a man’s bookshelf and seeg only <a href=">Christopher Hchens</a> tl.</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-1 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>Greif attribut the crease platonic iendships to more equaly the workplace, and stronger polici and better tn surroundg sexual harassment. (I’d also suggt that efforts to make llege mp more female-iendly, first wh the genis of -ed lleg and more recently wh attempts to make mp safer for women, has led to a stronger astcture for -ed iendships.) “Rather than havg the experience that my father had, where the only woman he would see at the workplace was brgg him his ffee, men and women are now -equals at work,” Greif says. “That opens up a different kd of relatnship, which is more apt to lead to a platonic iendship than ever before.”</p><p>Friendships between superrs and subordat are still rare today— <em>Mad Men</em> tim, when boss were mostly male and women primarily reported to them, platonic iendships at work were even more unlikely. Now we expect men to make themselv available to female -workers as iends and mentors, and vice versa. When Vice Print Mike Pence said that he wouldn’t de alone wh any woman except his wife, the backlash was immediate: Pence’s puranil ristance to unchaperoned ch-chat wh women at work was seen as discrimatory and antiquated.</p><p>While the office is a mon place for men and women to velop relatnships (the term <a href=">“work wife”</a> has slipped quietly to the “this sounds sexist” class of phras), some men are chronic beienrs of women and out of the office. They bee close wh their girliends’ iends or their female roommate’s iends, they velop iendships wh women they date when don’t work out, or they make one female iend at work and their circle spirals out om there.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="e1fx5f"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div><div data-attr-viewport-monor="" class="RecircMostPopularWrapper-bRuGTi jkTTgR recirc-most-popular-wrapper viewport-monor-anchor"><div class="RecircMostPopularConter-jiViNn ktrplG recirc-most-popular-sparrow-trackg 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BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Lori Keong</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw dacLSS ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="g732oil"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs joBAUg"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="vjaq"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>Several such men tell me that they, like Tom, feel ls prsure to perform stoicism for their female iends. Greif says most people tend to feel more relaxed wh people who are like themselv, but that some people jt don’t enjoy spendg time wh their “reference group.” Jake, 27, says he nnects better wh women bee he don’t enjoy the stereotypil tw pillars of male hangs: sports and drkg. In a survey Greif nducted, 80 percent of men said that most of their time wh male iends is spent discsg sports. “There are women that talk about sports, and there are men that don’t jt talk about sports,” Greif adds. “But there’s a sense that if you’re a man and you want to make iends wh a man, you’re better off if you eher played sports or are able to talk a ltle b about sports.” A study <a href="><em>Sex Rol</em></a> suggted that men bond over activi—like sports, vio gam, and gog out to bars to meet women—and rerved “emotnal sharg” for their oppose-sex partners. Women, acrdg to the study, jt kd of marated each other’s pany.</p><p>Particularly llege and beyond, Jake says, he found that he preferred the way women nnect—all the iends he’s ma sce he was 12 are women. “I uld jt be genue,” he says, “and not be judged for wantg to talk about how I feel.” It’s a cliché that women get together and “talk about our feelgs,” but my experience wh my female and male iends, women often go right for the emotnal throat of a nversatn, where may take most men several beers to mence ventg.</p><p>Greif thks that men feel more fortable emotnal sharg wh women bee children are still mostly socialized by women. One five children are <a href=">livg wh a sgle mother</a>, and the children particular may fd that bee their formative relatnships were entirely wh women, they nnect more easily wh women as adults. That’s certaly te for Tom. “I didn’t have a man the hoehold growg up,” he says. “Talkg to women has always been my flt when I want to talk about somethg ser. Or even when I jt want to shoot the sh.”</p><p>Children not raised by sgle mothers are also more likely to have been socialized mostly by women. In spe of a very mendable mory of fathers who spl child re equally wh their partners, mothers still spend almost twice as many hours per week on child re as fathers do, acrdg to analysis om <a href=">Pew Rearch Center</a>, published last year a ceptively cheerful Mother’s Day dispatch. And the <a href=">Natnal Center for Edutn Statistics</a> recently reported that 89 percent of primary-school teachers are women. “What happens then,” Greif explas, “is that men feel general very fortable talkg to women and also feel fortable talkg to women about their feelgs.” I image myself as the matriarch of my male iends, holdg them to my bosom, Pietà-like, whisperg soothg ton while they vent about their unrequed csh on other women—and feel unsettled.</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="lwrs"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div 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byl__byle" data-ttid="ByleWrapper" emProp="thor" emType="><span emProp="name" class="ByleNamWrapper-jbHncj fuDQVo"><span data-ttid="ByleName" class="ByleName-kwmrLn cYaBaU byle__name"><span class="BaseWrap-sc-gjQpdd BaseText-ewhhUZ BylePreamble-iJolpQ iUEiRd dlWgVJ gnILss byle__preamble">By </span>Lori Keong</span></span></p></div></div></div></div></div></div></li><li><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ RecircMostPopularSummaryItem-jQxxiw dacLSS ad ad--asi"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--asi" data-no-id="tk7bjk"></div></div></li></ul><div class="RecircMostPopularFooter-enPjgs joBAUg"></div></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan full-bleed-ad row-mid-ntent-ad"><div class="StickyMidContentAdWrapper-fSBzwl drzyIa ad-stickymidntent"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--mid-ntent should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--mid-ntent" data-no-id="avfh6"></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 ArticlePageChunksGrid-hfxa bjczjj grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="BodyWrapper-kufPGa edvONh body body__ntaer article__body" data-journey-hook="client-ntent" data-ttid="BodyWrapper"><div class="body__ner-ntaer"><p>One 25-year-old man, who has assembled a large hort of female iends through work, says that when he broke up wh his girliend recently, he mostly discsed the breakup wh his female iends. When he tried to talk to other men about , he found that they were at different levels of emotnal leracy: Of his two male iends, he says, one was very receptive to breakup talk, but one beme very unfortable. “It was awkward. As I was talkg to him, he was like, ‘Yeah, that's kd of how go,’ ” he rells. “I was like, ‘That's not how I want to talk about this.’ Wh my iends who are girls, there's a sharg of experienc, which mak better to talk about.”</p><div data-attr-viewport-monor="le-recirc" class="le-recirc-wrapper le-recirc-observer-target-2 viewport-monor-anchor"></div><p>He adds that he’s wonrg whether his iendships wh women will change post-breakup. Havg a girliend ma him feel a lot more fortable cultivatg platonic female iendships, bee gave him a built- barrier agast the relatnship turng romantic, though he says he often wonred whether his girliend thought was strange that he had so many female iends. He says that he’d spected, early on, that his clost female iend didn’t want their iendship to be platonic, but that they’d never discsed . “You do keep some kd of emotnal distance until you n make clear that 's platonic,” he says. “Now that I don't have a girliend, I thk I'm kd of cur how 's gog to go. I'm cur about how I would make a new iend who is a girl now.”</p><p>The tensn he scrib is one of four major challeng to “cross-sex iendship” outled a <a href=">1989 study</a> <em>Sex Rol</em>. The challeng are: termg whether the relatnship is non-romantic or romantic; discsg attractn, which may still be prent even when the relatnship has been clared non-romantic; “alg wh the issue of relatnship equaly wh a cultural ntext of genr equaly,” a challenge that, as Greif suggts, has been slightly mimized by creased workplace equaly; and “prentg the relatnship as thentic to relevant dienc.” Which is to say, nvcg your other iends—and, crilly, your girliend—that you’re not tryg to bone your cross-sex pal.</p><p>Tom says he’s ncerned that people thk he hangs out wh women bee he’s tryg to hook up wh them. Some of his iendships <em>have</em> grown om suatns where one of them has tried to hook up wh the other, but he says that those s the dynamic is now clear, for the most part. I ask him how he draws the le between romantic and non-romantic, hopg for some secret that will allow men and women to live platonic harmony, havg meangful discsns about #MeToo over rosé.</p><p>“Sometim you don’t,” he says, “and sometim ’s odd, and sometim for a while you’re jt like, ‘Are they flirtg wh me? Am I flirtg wh them? Am I worried about that?’ Eventually you jt end up not datg.”</p></div></div></div><div class="GridItem-buujkM fVLMby grid--em grid-layout__asi"><div class="StickyBoxWrapper-jfYB jxBcTH sticky-box"><div class="StickyBoxPrimary-dzWDWL cdhYoN sticky-box__primary"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--rail"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--rail" data-no-id="ail53m"></div></div><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--display-rail" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--display-rail"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="StickyBoxPlaceholr-grPmrg dxAvXx"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK kHBDeH grid grid-margs grid-ems-2 PaywallInleBarrierWhWrapperGrid-fyrGfS kLQIUk grid-layout--adrail narrow wi-adrail"><div class="GridItem-buujkM stRKV grid--em grid-layout__ntent"><div class="body body__le-barrier article__body"><div class="ntaer 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Milary, stunt, teacher disunts</p></div></div></div></a></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="AdWrapper-dQtivb fZrssQ ad ad--footer should-hold-space"><div class="ad__slot ad__slot--footer" data-no-id="rreysa"></div></div></div></div></div></ma><div class="BasePageMaFooterFiller-hTlZph jSriYf page__ma-footer-filler"></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan"><div class="ConsumerMarketgUnThemedWrapper-iUTMTf jssHut nsumer-marketg-un nsumer-marketg-un--cm-footer" role="prentatn" aria-hidn="te"><div class="nsumer-marketg-un__slot nsumer-marketg-un__slot--cm-footer"></div><div class="journey-un"></div></div></div><div class="RowWrapper-UmqTg HEhan BasePageSeFooterRow-kpEBGH jqlJed"><div class="GridWrapper-cAzTTK eRggVV grid grid-margs grid-ems-0 BasePageSeFooterRowGrid-iBGjXL zQNeb"><div class="GridItem-buujkM kHPPIF grid--em"><footer class="SeFooterWrapper-bXjkRY cWRwDX se-footer--wh-store"><div class="SeFooterGridNoMargs-jSrXSj kdlxBX" data-ttid="SeFooterGridNoMargs"><div class="SeFooterBrandInfo-cdoqKy cdkwFG"><div class="SeFooterLogo-eYlNHY eigdAF se-footer__logo"><a href="/"><span class="SpanWrapper-umhxW jvZaPI rponsive-asset SeFooterLogoRponsiveAsset-ckjzWk kubVDn se-footer__rponsive-image"><picture class="RponsiveImagePicture-cWuUZO dUOtEa SeFooterLogoRponsiveAsset-ckjzWk kubVDn se-footer__rponsive-image rponsive-image"><img alt="GQ" class="RponsiveImageContaer-eybHBd fptoWY rponsive-image__image" src="/verso/static/gq-global/assets/" srcSet="" siz="100vw"/></picture></span></a></div><div data-ttid="SeFooterAbout" class="SeFooterAbout-lflfWa eVMDfx"><div class="SeFooterAboutText-XXKBX blTbmF">Sce 1957, GQ has spired men to look sharper and live smarter wh s unparalleled verage of style, culture, and beyond. 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