Is Your Man Gay, Straight, or Bisexual? | Psychology Today

Contents:

• THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL
• MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR
• 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' STARS DEFEND TLC'S CONTROVERSIAL NEW SHOW
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• WTF? TLC'S NEW SPECIAL MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS EVEN WEIRR THAN IT SOUNDS: WATCH NOW

THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

It has started a ntroversy—one that reveals a lot about cultural tensns brilliance of the televisn special My Hband's Not Gay begs wh s name. And prompts the pable, skg feelg that the lady doth prott too much: If she has to expla that her hband's not gay, she's already admted that his attractn to her is ls than, many people are angry about My Hband's Not Gay, which is s send stroke of brilliance.

‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL

The TLC show, which aired on Sunday night, follows four men who all experience "same-sex attractn, " or "SSA, " but who don't want to live "the gay liftyle" bee of their Mormon relig beliefs.

MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR

" In the lead-up to the special's premiere, more than 100, 000 people signed a petn to get ncelled, claimg promot "'reparative therapy, ' a discreded and dangero practice that falsely claims to turn gay people straight.

'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' STARS DEFEND TLC'S CONTROVERSIAL NEW SHOW

This approach to programmg succeeds, wildly, bee 's a pure distillatn of the appeal of realy televisn: self-righteo problem, though, wh makg realy televisn about gay men who don't want to be gay is that will variably lack empathy for the pa that likely f those men's liv.

The failure of My Hband's Not Gay is one of style, not substance; but the fact that has been protted for s substance says a lot about the cultural tensns surroundg homosexualy Ameri. The openg of My Hband's Not Gay is a straight llback to the the openg sequence of the fictnal HBO seri Big Love, about a polygamo fay of fundamentalist Mormons. It's a bound performance of sexualy: They've stctured their relatnships so that they n exprs their feelgs of attractn and even toy wh gay inty while still settg firm lims on their behavr.

Watchg My Hband's Not Gay is like the passive emotnal experience of wanrg through a low-budget rnival, gawkg at the sishow eaks for a short moment before losg attentn and movg on.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

All three of the upl featured have worked wh an anizatn lled Voic of Hope, sharg their experienc on tape and speakg publicly support of "non-gay liftyl" for people who experience "same-sex attractn. " While uld fairly be lled propaganda, 's not exactly "prayg away the gay": Voic of Hope is part of the Mormon anizatn North Star Internatnal, which says on s webse that "whether or not dividuals choose to make efforts to dimish or elimate homosexual feelgs, and whether or not those efforts succeed, is ls important to North Star’s purpos.

Sendg the msage that beg gay is somethg that n and ought to be changed, or that you should reject your sexual orientatn by marryg someone of the oppose sex, " the petn says.

MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY

By airg a televisn special about this worldview, objectors say, TLC is implicly endorsg —which is a form of will be the next great nflict surroundg gayns Ameri: between those who mand acceptance of homosexualy and those who fd morally unacceptable. Arguably, a gree of cultural civily toward the gay muny has been tablished, even among those who disagree wh homosexualy.

It's a sign of jt how far gay rights have e Ameri that TLC would be lled out for even acknowledgg a worldview that isn't fully acceptg of gayns.

The objectns aren't about wng legal rights, or enanchisement, or even civily; they're about wng total cultural acceptance of homosexualy. The upl My Hband's Not Gay have created liv they say they want, liv that are tolerant of homosexualy every way except choosg, themselv, to have gay sex.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

Of urse, that's not what happened My Hband's Not Gay, but that probably uldn't be helped; nuance don't tend to be the tramark of realy televisn. But if possible, My Hband's Not Gay should be treated as a varsy-level exercise fdg empathy; even for those who disagree wh the choic the upl have ma, they may still regnize the stggle. In January, the work will air “My Hband’s Not Gay, ” which shows a different kd of Mormon marriage: men who are attracted to other men yet marry women bee of their fah.

The church was one of the major relig anizatns that fought for Proposn 8 California to elimate same-sex a separate statement, Hckley, who died 2008, said the church lov “so-lled gays and lbians” like “sons and dghters of God.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

11 premiere, meet the st of “My Hband’s Not Gay”:Jeff and TanyaJeff, a Salt Lake Cy native, and Tanya, who grew up Wyomg, met on a bld date 13 years ago. It tak a lot for the Gay and Lbian Alliance Agast Defamatn (GLAAD) to get really mad at someone, but when happens, man, really happens.

This week GLAAD let loose their ire on TLC’s upg special My Hband’s Not Gay, which premier on Sunday 11 January at 10pm EST – directly oppose the Goln Glob, ensurg that nary a gay man will actually see . ” GLAAD isn’t the only one tryg to get TLC to pull the plug: nearly 100, 000 people have signed a petn at askg for the work, the former home of Here Com Honey Boo Boo, to ncel the first blh, I would agree wh GLAAD that is irrponsible to poe the doctre of reparative therapy, where relig groups believe that gay men and lbians n pray the gay away and live heterosexual liv.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

It’s dangero to tell people that they n somehow stop beg gay if God wav a magic wand and mak them really thk there is somethg credibly sexy about Megan Fox wearg a belly ’s not really what this show is about though.

My Hband’s Not Gay foc on four Mormon men, three of whom are married, all of whom have what they ll SSA – same sex attractn.

IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT

Jt as I hope they all rpect my right to live as an openly gay man, I gus I have to give them the same rpect to choose not to act on their are a gay man and a former member of the SSA muny who get to give their views durg the 60-mute special. They don’t expand upon , but I image a bunch of middle-aged dus the rec room of a fished basement a half-naked scm wh that magic Mormon unrwear ltered all over the wall-to-wall thg about My Hband’s Not Gay is that is not gog to nvce anyone at eher end of the iologil spectm.

NEWS: Facts of Life Star: My Hband Was Gay"I get a ltle fensive when somebody lls my hband gay, " -star Tanya told ET. "NEWS: Orange Is the New Black Ws Big at GLAAD AwardsSome also believe the show uld serve as an ad for the "ex gay" dtry, which clus programs that try to change one's sexual orientatn by g procr such as psychoanalysis and extreme s electro shock. "Basilly, gay reparative therapy is the notn that you n take the gay out of somebody, which we know is not te, " Sarah Kate Ellis said.

Society's creasg acceptance of gays and lbians and the Supreme Court lg June that legalized same-sex marriage have foced attentn on sexual orientatn. "The gay or lbian, bisexual and transgenr people were told by their church or muni or parents or fai that the right thg to do is to marry someone of the oppose genr, and most of them love the people they marry, " she says.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

The men this televisn program aren’t claimg to be ex-gay nor that they n change their sexual orientatn (at least not on the show). There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. They make this choice wh open discsns, which are very paful and emotnal for both the gay man and the straight wife.

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage. Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure.

MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

He most likely terpreted his gay terts as sexual “kks, ” and he nvced himself they would fa away after he married. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.

Sure, they read as gay, they acknowledge that they are attracted to guys, and they go out together to check out other men, but they also repeatedly emphasize the ways they differ om people livg a so-lled “gay liftyle” bee of nsc choic they have ma. Dpe the work’s assertns that the show “solely reprents the views of the dividuals featured, ” there are repeated suggtns that gay men n be attracted to women and that homosexual orientatns are not fixed and unchangg but fluid and negotiable.

This ex-gay mdset is what mak the show so od, and s foc on orientatn change ought to be distguished om other, ls harmful efforts to rencile tradnal fah backgrounds wh LGBTQ inti. Although My Hband’s Not Gay attempts to stick to the personal experienc of s subjects, a group of Mormons who live around Salt Lake Cy, the iology of orientatn change slips around the edg, particularly when the show’s subjects fe what means to be gay. The reful distctns they make between “experiencg same-sex attractns”—or SSA—and beg gay would be enough to imprs the most arnt votee of polilly rrect lguistic parsg.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

Later, she not, “[My hband] is fely more attracted to men than women, ” which, she says, is “what some people might ll gay. Pret, one of the men wh a history of ex-gay activism, explas how, growg up, “I thought for a long time that I was gay. ” Clearly, the are people who believe that if they had ma different choic, they would be gay men, not people who believe that beg gay is tegorilly distct om their experience of same-sex attractn.

There are ways that a gay orientatn uld be renciled wh heterosexual marriage that wouldn’t rely on the belief that changg one’s sexual orientatn is possible.

WTF? TLC'S NEW SPECIAL MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS EVEN WEIRR THAN IT SOUNDS: WATCH NOW

” He thereby suggts that sexual fluidy is universally experienced, implyg that a gay orientatn n be waed out, as if were a bad se of the measl.

The fact that most gay men do not experience attractns to the oppose sex, or feel that their sexualy is fluid, is not addrsed. It is, however, referenced briefly by a guy intified as Shn, who spends a few sends actg as a pro-gay foil for the show’s protagonists. In that moment, when a gay man’s assertn that he is not and uld not be attracted to women is challenged, the pretense that the show als only wh the particular men’s dividual experience evaporat.