Gay Men and Straight Men as Friends | Psychology Today

Contents:

• HOW TO TELL A FRIEND YOU'RE GAY AND YOU LOVE THEM
• IN LOVE WH MY BT IEND, BUT HE'S GAY
• WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF AFTER YEARS OF FALLG FOR GAY MEN
• HOW TO HAVE A GAY FRIEND
• GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS
• CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?
• INTERACTG WH A GAY-INTIFIED FRIEND
• ‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN
• I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND
• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY
• HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY
• HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS

HOW TO TELL A FRIEND YOU'RE GAY AND YOU LOVE THEM

For example, “I have wanted to tell you for a long time, even before you knew I was gay, but I waed bee I didn’t want to drop all the bombshells on you at once. Crisis: 40 Stori Revealg the Personal, Social, and Relig Pa and Trma of Growg Up Gay Ameri Mchell Gold and Mdy Dcker Greenleaf Book Group, LLC, 2008.

Article SummaryXTellg a iend that you’re gay and you love them is somethg that you’ll want to do stag so you don’t overwhelm your iend. And if you keep the feelgs to yourself out of shame — maybe you're not out yet or you hate feelg like a gay trope — 's even harr.

Durg that time I jt felt like everythg was wrong wh me, if only I was a boy or if only she was gay or if only I didn't love her etc.. But do really make a difference if they are straight or gay, if at the end of the day they are someone who is not attracted to you? Those lov are like fallg love wh a teacher, or a straight fallg love wh a gay, or fallg love wh a married person, or fallg love wh a sger or an actor.

IN LOVE WH MY BT IEND, BUT HE'S GAY

But you need to know that if the person dont want to do somethg wh you, you need to pass no matter what...You have to rpect that the person you like is straight jt like how he rpect and accept you beg Gay. My persistence fallg love wh gay I don’t mean havg a csh on Neil Patrick Harris or dreamg about removg Anrson Cooper’s black-amed glass to share a th-lipped kiss.

" Luckily, I never learned to drive, as Matt’s current profile pic on Facebook featur him wrapped a rabow, my early 20s, I uldn’t rist the plump lips and bedroom ey of my Greek gay btie, Peter. The are great sual plac to meet other gays, pecially if you're to a quieter atmosphere or aren't old enough to go to a bar.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF AFTER YEARS OF FALLG FOR GAY MEN

For example, you might jo an LGBT service group that plants tre, distribut food or suppli to the homels, or rais awarens for gay rights. While n be easier to go to popular gay spots, don't overlook the fact that gay people are at the store, library, rtrant, etc. " They may ask you out, or if they get the sense that you're gay, they may be able to pot you to a well-known LGBT spot town.

You might read about qutns that you shouldn't ask, the stggl a gay person go through, and what the gay muny is like your area. At tim, many gay men feel as though they're the only on experiencg certa thoughts and feelgs, on that society still often ems abnormal.

One's first LGBTQ iendship is often super-tense; fact, that person n bee jt as important as a first romantic partner.I'm no longer close wh my first gay iend, Jam, bee we're very different people now. But I still remember clumsily g out to him after a Le Tigre ncert and him sayg, "I thk I'm gay, too." In the months that followed, we weren't always as kd to one another as we should have been, but we absolutely helped each other to accept our sexualy. Here, their own words, are three men's stori of their first queer iendships.Josh, on AlexWhen I first saw Alex the smokg area at my new llege, I was like, "Oh my God, who is that?" He was hot—I thk everyone thought so—but I didn't thk he was gay.

HOW TO HAVE A GAY FRIEND

He didn't still a sense of ternalized homophobia me, which was important bee I was a mpy gay guy who'd always been teased for beg mpy. After three s of not feelg like I f anywhere, this ltle moment of acknowledgement om another LGBTQ person meant a lot.Sce then I've met other bi people at Pri events, but Charlie's still my clost "queer peer." He gave me the permissn to be myself when I didn't even know who that was.Bill, on DeanI grew up a small nservative town and didn't know anyone gay at school, so I met my first gay iends through social media. Sex the Cy, Will and Grace), though a lot ls has been said about how gay and straight men regnize and negotiate the distct challeng, plitns, and rewards of their iendships.

S., before there was such a thg as a gay inty, some straight men would, wh ltle shame, engage sexual ntact wh other men (ually allowg themselv to be fellated) when female partners were otherwise unavailable (see Gee Chncey’s semal book, Gay New York: Genr, Urban Culture, and the Makg of the Gay Male World 1890-1940) and there is good reason to believe this still occurs other untri and cultur. Gay men have suffered physil, social, and psychologil abe at the hands of heterosexually intified mal who, thanks to homophobia and heterosexism, felt fully jtified flictg the terrors.

This legacy of vlence, both physil and psychologil, flicted by straight men toward those of who are gay naturally fuels our utn and distst at the thought of beiendg them. For the straight guy, iendship wh a gay man offers the opportuny to learn important lsons about masculy, male inty, sexual orientatn, and diversy. As the quote go: You n never have too many iends—and iendships between gay and straight guys n be healg and uniquely satisfyg for all volved.

GAY MEN AND STRAIGHT MEN AS FRIENDS

If there’s one thg I n tell you about wh great thory, as a gay man who took his sweet time g out, ’s havg csh on men who – for the most part – were blissfully unaware of .

We’re tght people are eher gay or straight, that sexualy is a fixed aspect that stays the same over the urse of our liv when actually ’s fluid and chang over time. Whether you’re straight, gay, bicur, heteroflexible or jt workg thgs out, ’s not jt your sexualy that’s lled to qutn when such a csh aris. It works wh gay men too – we don’t fancy all straight men tomatilly and ’s possible for such a csh to be entirely platonic.

CAN GAY AND STRAIGHT MEN REALLY BE FRIENDS?

While we’re begng to throw off the labels that n rtrict , n be hard for men to exprs themselv emotnally whout beg thought of as gay and s of opprsn has shown that beg gay is viewed by many as ferr. We may believe that to fd another man attractive mak ls of a man – whatever that you don’t want to thk of yourself as gay or bi then don’t. McKellan is a gay man who me out 1988, and although 33 years have passed sce he me out, n still be shockg to the world to see such a close same-sex iendship that cross sexual inti.

INTERACTG WH A GAY-INTIFIED FRIEND

Along wh his supervisor, Robb Travers, he lnched a study that surveyed 350 straight men and 275 gay or bisexual men om across North Ameri. Siar to qutns that loom about whether straight men and women n ever tly be platonic iends, the same qutn lgers over the iendships between gay and straight men.

A bromosexual iendship is a nonsexual iendship between two men, where typilly one iend is gay (or bisexual), and the other is straight. In days past, this may have seemed as unlikely as a iendship between a ln and a moe, given the tradnally high levels of homophobia among straight men.

‘HE BROKE MY HEART TO A BILLN PIEC’: WHEN A STRAIGHT WOMAN FALLS LOVE WH A GAY MAN

McKie’s rearch reported that straight participants felt that a gay iend ma for the ultimate wgman bee the gay iend uld help to attract prospective partners for the straight iend. Other rearch has shown that women prefer iendships wh gay vers straight men, partly bee the threat or loomg qutn of sexual attractn is renred moot. However, straight men bromosexual iendships have perhaps learned how to harns this ease of iendship between straight women and gay men for their own advantage.

McKie noted that the straight men felt their gay iend was able to make succsful troductns to straight women bee the women tsted their gay male iends to troduce them to a good person.

I WAS SURE I WAS GAY – UNTIL I FELL LOVE WH MY BT FEMALE IEND

Gay men McKie’s rearch reported that their straight male iends often play the role of ‘matchmaker’ and troduce them to another of their gay iends. The lack of petn for the same prospective partners allows the iendship to flourish a way that may be hred to some gree for gay or straight men iendships wh men who share the same sexual orientatn. Straight men also reported havg more emotnally vulnerable nversatns wh their gay iends bee they felt safer to do so, relative to attemptg to discs siar topics wh other straight men.

McKie’s rearch found that straight men livg the more central parts of Canada and the Uned Stat were ls likely to report a willgns or tert havg a gay man as a iend. But tim are changg quickly, and McKie’s rearch unrsr the special bond that n velop between gay and straight iends to the benef of both.

We currently have a survey vtigatn unrway that explor some of the posive out of “bromosexual” iendships, cludg our theory that gay men and straight men n be optimal wg men for one another. Gay men – particularly those nservative and ral environments – rema wary about tryg to beiend straight men, fearg prejudice-fueled rejectn. At the same time, many straight men still doubt that they’ll be able to relate to gay men any meangful way and, for this reason, may not try to iate a iendship.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUY FRIEND IS GAY

If they’re open-md about beiendg gay men and make the effort to try to fe iendships based upon mon terts, gay men should feel more fortable reciprotg. Gay men who disclose their sexual orientatn to their straight male iends earlier life may be able to build more open and hont iendships wh them to adulthood. Send, recent rearch has argued that genr and sexual orientatn might not be as black and whe as prevly thought, which opens up new avenu for explorg how gay and straight men n relate to one another.

If a straight guy and his gay male iend are ls rigid about their masculy and sexualy, they’ll probably be more likely to discs tails about their sexual and romantic liv openly wh one another.

HOW TO DEAL WHEN YOUR BT FRIEND IS GAY

In short, women are able to tst the datg advice om gay male iends bee they know their gay iends don’t have any ulterr motiv: They’re not tryg to hook up wh them or pete wh them for guys. Jt as a gay man might be able to pass on advice about women to his straight iend, a straight man uld nnect his gay male iend wh another sirable gay man, sce neher the gay man nor his straight iend are petg for the same person. We believe that havg a tstworthy nfidant to help wh romantic pursus is one of the major reasons straight and gay men are leavg the fort of their same-sex, same-orientatn iend groups to form “bromosexual” iendships.

The challenge of relatg to a gay-intified iend or fay member assum a very different aspect when he or she already claims to be a follower of J. In this nnectn, bear md that there’s a ccial distctn to be ma between a Christian who experienc same-sex attractns but do not act out those clatns, and an active homosexual who claims to be a believer. You n ve greater pth by askg, “Are you open to talk wh me further about what the Bible has to say on the subject of homosexualy and sexual moraly?

Almost as long as rom-s and high school TV shows have existed, the Gay Bt Friend(tm) has been a source of edy and ntroversy. Often an important first step troducg queer storyl to mastream dienc, the GBF trope had a tenncy to rerce stereotyp about gay men: that their only terts are makeovers, shoppg and drama, that their stggl and relatnships fa to the background unls they're supportg a straight person's story, and that they only exist to be wise oracl about love and LGBTQ+ reprentatn Hollywood improv both onscreen and behd the mera, movi and TV shows are gettg creasgly self-aware, creatg gay characters who provi the ic relief we love while tearg down outdated ias.

HOW TO MAKE GAY FRIENDS

Perhaps the earlit example of the classic Gay Bt Friend character is 1984 movie The Woman Red, a Gene Wilr edy about a married man who be obssed wh a mol (Kelly LeBrock) after he se her skirt get blown up by a wd grate, Marilyn Monroe-style. A mor character wh limed screen time, Buddy do w pots for beg portrayed as jt another one of the guys, who happens to be gay -- a big al for movi the 80s.

Rickie Vasquez (Wilson Cz) of ABC's short-lived cult classic My So-Called Life (1994-1995) is one of the first exampl of a gay character a high school ensemble seri -- but what mak him pecially noteworthy is that he challenged the Gay Bt Friend trope before was even a trope. Cz, an Ao-Puerto Rin man, was the first openly gay actor to play an openly gay character a leadg role an Amerin televisn show. While Rickie was bt iends wh straight girls at his school, the way his storyle alt wh homophobia and self-acceptance was years ahead of s time.