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class="jsx-3959280869 loadg-bar-ntaer"><div class="jsx-3959280869 loadg-bar"></div></div><hear class="jsx-897490467 hear"><div class="jsx-1852792583 sibar-page-hear"></div><div class="jsx-303009029 adun-wrapper"><div class="jsx-303009029 bobble bobble- pogot pg-article"><div data-mix-name="fourBy" data-pos="" data-pogo-hi="1" class="jsx-343126785 pogo-slot"></div></div></div><div id="p-top-ribbon" class="jsx-1373134118 piano-template-placeholr"></div></hear><ma id="ma-ntent" class="jsx-1402789575"><div class="jsx-303009029 adun-wrapper"><div class="jsx-303009029 fixed-on-mobile bobble bobble-0 pogot pg-article"><div data-mix-name="articleSticky" data-pos="0" data-pogo-hi="1" class="jsx-343126785 pogo-slot"></div></div></div><div class="jsx-310563508 page-hear page-ntent"><div class="terface jsx-153568585 stack jsx-3890109618 bold small"><a href="/movi/star-wars-episo-ix" class="jsx-4245402894 article-object-lk unrled" data-cy="object-breadcmb">Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker</a></div><h1 class="display-tle jsx-1062180250" data-cy="article-headle">How I Learned to Grieve and Heal Through Star Wars</h1><h2 class="tle3 jsx-2866659985" data-cy="article-sub-headle">Why that ltle gay kiss Star Wars was a big al to me.</h2><div id="p-article-below-hear" class="jsx-3647225544 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div></div><div class="jsx-1897904587 page-ntent"><div class="jsx-2813394464 article-hear-image"><img dg="async" alt="How I Learned to Grieve and Heal Through Star Wars - IGN Image" src=" siz="100vw" srcSet=" 640w, 750w, 828w, 1080w, 1200w, 1920w, 2048w, 3840w" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823 round expand"/></div><sectn class="jsx-3528870638 byle"><div class="stack jsx-816329128 byle-stack"><div class="stack jsx-1752463718 article-thors"><sectn class="jsx-1825775112 thor-avatars avatars-1"><div class="jsx-3001299294 thor-thumb profile-thumb aspect-rat aspect-rat-1-1"><img dg="async" alt="Joshua Yehl" src=" srcSet=" 1x, 2x" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image profile-thumb-img jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823"/></div></sectn><div class="ptn jsx-1189612256">By <a href="/person/JoshuaYehl-IGN" class="jsx-3953721931 article-thor unrled">Joshua Yehl</a></div></div><div class="jsx-3176214726 divir"></div><div class="ptn jsx-1189612256">Updated: <!-- -->Jun 9, 2022 1:14 pm</div><div class="jsx-3176214726 divir"></div><div class="ptn jsx-1189612256">Posted: <!-- -->Jan 3, 2020 2:00 pm</div></div><div class="jsx-4050243981 divir"></div></sectn><div id="p-article-below-hear-image" class="jsx-3606872557 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div></div><div class="jsx-3517015813 page-ntent"><div class="jsx-3517015813 si-by-si"><div class="jsx-3517015813 article-ntent page-0"><sectn class="article jsx-2571790323 article-sectn jsx-28683165"><sectn class="article-page"><p class="jsx-3649800006 "><em>Warng: this article ntas mor spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker!</em></p><div class="jsx-303009029 adun-wrapper"><div class="jsx-303009029 bobble bobble-0 pogot pg-article"><div data-mix-name="mediumAd" data-pos="0" data-pogo-hi="1" class="jsx-343126785 pogo-slot"></div></div></div><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">While <a class="jsx-955973305 unrled" href="/articl/2019/12/22/star-wars-rise-of-skywalker-endg-explaed">Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker livered some big revelatns</a> that rocked the foundatns of the Skywalker Saga, was one nocuo, blk-and-you-miss- moment featurg two unnamed characters that left me reelg. It me as the Ristance ngregated after their victory: two women shared a celebratory kiss.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Though may not seem like much, for me meant the world bee helped me fd closure after years of tryg to procs the loss of my bt iend Drew Leonen. He was among those killed durg the 2016 shootg at Pulse nightclub Orlando, Florida. That ltle kiss marked the end of a long journey volvg an onle petn, thoands of Star Wars fans, and the head of Lusfilm self.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Sce we first met, Star Wars was always special to me and Drew. At the drop of a hat, we’d lnch to full-on bat about why Leia wasn’t traed as a Jedi. We’d argue over whether Palpate was Anak’s father, obssively play his old Star Wars tradg rds and of urse ma sure to vis the travelg Star Wars mm and the Star Wars Celebratn nventn when they me to town.</p><output class="box-wrapper jsx-537794787"><figure class="jsx-3954765903"><a href=" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><img dg="async" alt=" Drew and I enjoyg the nta photo op at Star Wars Celebratn 2012 Orlando, Florida." src=" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image article-image article-image-full-size jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823 round loadg"/></a><figptn class="ptn jsx-1673551436 article-image-ptn"> Drew and I enjoyg the nta photo op at Star Wars Celebratn 2012 Orlando, Florida.</figptn></figure></output><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Meetg Drew was more than jt fdg someone to enjoy Star Wars wh. You see, I was never the popular kid growg up. Que the oppose. I was the gay, geeky loser who got picked on durg gym class, ate lunch alone, and never got ved anywhere. All that changed wh Drew. My overwhelmg obssn wh that galaxy far, far away had always felt like a barrier keepg others away, but now Star Wars had brought me to Drew’s orb -- and through him, his circle of other nerdy misfs -- and beme the glue that held together. Drew was all about love, and I had never met someone who loved so eely and openly. Thanks to Star Wars, I beme iends wh Drew, and meetg him changed my life for the better.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">In 2014, I moved away om Orlando to work my dream job Los Angel. When Drew vised December 2015, happened to be perfectly timed to The Force Awakens’ release, and we ma sure to allote a healthy amount of time to watch together and have a lengthy discsn about our wilst Snoke and Rey theori. We end the night wh big hugs and promis of seeg each other aga soon. Ltle did I know, that would be the last time I saw my bt iend alive.</p><output class="box-wrapper jsx-537794787"><figure class="jsx-3954765903"><a href=" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><img dg="async" alt=" Watchg The Force Awakens was the last thg Drew and I did together." src=" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image article-image article-image-full-size jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823 round loadg"/></a><figptn class="ptn jsx-1673551436 article-image-ptn"> Watchg The Force Awakens was the last thg Drew and I did together.</figptn></figure></output><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">When I heard about the Pulse shootg on June 12, 2016, I was alone my apartment and spent a sleepls night rehg the ter for news on the sualti. I texted my clost iends who still lived Orlando, but Drew was the only one who never rpond. The number of ad beg reported kept growg higher and higher. It was pure chaos and next to impossible to get any solid rmatn. After an agonizg 33 hours of wag, the news me that Drew was gone.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">It’s hard to scribe how I felt that moment. I was of urse sad and angry at what had happened, but I found myself unable to cry. The bt iend I had ever known was btally murred, along wh his longterm boyiend he had tend to marry one day, yet I uldn’t mter any tears. I went to the funeral and saw his body. His mother walked me right up to him and I squeezed her hand far too tight. It looked like him and didn’t. Drew was always bouncg about wh a glowg se on his face, and if you weren’t sg too then he’d tickle you so hard hurt, so how uld this gnt figure lyg still a sket actually be him?</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">When I was headg back to Los Angel, I saw that one of the other victims who had worked at the Wizardg World of Harry Potter theme park was acknowledged wh <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">a betiful tribute by J.K. Rowlg</a>. It got me thkg about what would be a ftg tribute to Drew. Somethg as brave, spirg, and full of love as he was.</p><output class="box-wrapper jsx-537794787"><figure class="jsx-3954765903"><a href=" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"><img dg="async" alt=" Drew celebratg his 34th birthday wh a Star Wars sweatshirt and Darth Var ke om his mother, mere days before his ath." src=" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image article-image article-image-full-size jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823 round loadg"/></a><figptn class="ptn jsx-1673551436 article-image-ptn"> Drew celebratg his 34th birthday wh a Star Wars sweatshirt and Darth Var ke om his mother, mere days before his ath.</figptn></figure></output><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">There had been a handful queer characters Star Wars novels and such, but never the big blockbter movi. It’s those movi that so many lns of fans obssed over, and what beme the basis for all the actn figur, gam, books, ics, and merchandise. You may not unrstand why seeg someone who looks or acts or feels like you n be so important, but reprentatn helps normalize people across different cultur. For queer people, that is sperately need untri where <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">humane laws persecute queer people</a> and force them to live fear for their liv. Pop culture directly fluenc our liv bee rms how people view the world around them, so even creatg a ty b of fluence for queer people would have an immeasurably posive effect.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Drew never got the chance to see proper LGBTQ+ characters a Star Wars movie. As a passnate fan of pop culture wh eclectic tast, he was a fervent believer the need for LGBTQ+ reprentatn Hollywood movi. It wasn’t long before the thought h me: what if Drew beme the spiratn for the first-ever gay character a Star Wars movie? What more ftg way to honor his memory than to rally the muny around what happened to him, and lobby for his cln as a part of Star Wars non. So I did what any gay entertament journalist wh a small nerdy followg on Twter would do: I started an onle petn.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Even creatg a ty b of fluence for queer people would have an immeasurably posive effect.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">While this may seem like an unreasonable pipe dream, this isn’t unheard of Star Wars. Lusfilm rporated a pk R2 droid to Star Wars non tribute to a young fan who lost her life to ncer; <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">R2-KT</a> has gone on to help raise awarens and llect fundg for those fightg ncer. Star Wars honored <a class="jsx-955973305 unrled" href="/articl/2019/12/23/riley-ri-lee-howell-unc-star-wars-jedi-non">Riley Howell</a>, the heroic 21 year-old stunt who lost his life protectg his classmat by tacklg the gunman who opened fire at the Universy of North Carola at Charlotte on April 30, 2019, by nonilly makg him the Jedi Master who assembled the sacred texts featured The Last Jedi.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Wh a uple hours of <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">lnchg my petn</a>, numero webs vered as the <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">big news topic of the day</a>, several reporters ntacted me for terviews, and #PutDrewInStarWars trend on Twter. As the days went on, the petn llected thoands of signatur and word spread to other untri as the mpaign was translated to different languag. An anonymo sir at Lusfilm let me know they were dog everythg they uld to champn the petn around the pany. People were moved by Drew’s story and wanted to see him immortalized as a part of Star Wars non.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">A veteran entertament journalist was even so moved by Drew’s story that they ved me to attend the world premiere of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story as their gut, all so I uld try to get some face time wh Lusfilm cisn makers. But even gettg the chance to speak wh Lusfilm print Kathleen Kennedy person and tell her about Drew -- his love of Star Wars, his ath, the petn -- wasn’t enough to ph through a promise for LGBTQ+ reprentatn this anchise that meant so much to . She gave a very pole answer about how perhaps they would clu queer characters one day. Possibly. Maybe. If the story was right. It wasn’t a no, but wasn’t a y. I thanked her for her time and went about my night, unsure about how to feel about havg reached the fal boss but g away empty-hand.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">People were moved by Drew’s story and wanted to see him immortalized as a part of Star Wars non.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">For the first time my life, Star Wars had bee somethg that was difficult to enjoy. I knew that the stakeholrs of a global mega anchise didn’t owe me the tribute, or anythg at all, yet I uldn’t help but feel this thg I had voted so much passn to had let me down. As promotns for the next Star Wars movie began, I found hard to engage wh excement bee Drew wasn’t there to enjoy wh me.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">But when the The Last Jedi h theaters on December 15, 2017, I found myself credibly moved by how addrsed the subject of loss. "No one is ever really gone,” Le tells Leia the fal act, handg her Han Solo’s goln dice om the Millennium Faln. There was power that artifact bee symbolized the man they had lost. He was tragilly taken before was his time to go, but his loved on still held on to his memory to spire them to move forward. When I went home, I found a Star Wars beanie belongg to Drew that his mother had given to me after his passg. A memento of my own, to remember him by. It ma my ears look funny when I put on but I kd of liked that bee, for a moment, remd me what was like to hear Drew’s lgh.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">While beme clear over the years that I wasn’t gog to get a gay character spired by Drew to Star Wars, by the time The Rise of Skywalker had e out, I had rigned myself to the fact that Lusfilm wasn't gog to clu any LGBTQ+ reprentatn at all.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Star Trek had clud <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">Sulu as an openly gay character</a> 2016’s Star Trek Beyond, a first for <em>that</em> popular sci-fi anchise, and April 2019 Avengers: Endgame broke ground for the movi of the Marvel Cematic Universe movi by featurg s <a class="jsx-955973305 unrled" href="/articl/2019/06/26/marvel-first-mcu-gay-hero-kev-feige">first gay character</a> by way of a civilian rellg a tearful date wh another man durg Steve Rogers’ group therapy ssn. Other anchis were takg the small but meangful steps towards more clive reprentatn, but Star Wars seemed unwillg to budge.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">Love is what Drew was all about.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">I was so nvced that Star Wars would never actually clu a gay character that sudnly seeg two women share a kiss at the end of The Rise of Skywalker left me a state of shock. It was brief and chaste but was a gay kiss and jt happened a Star Wars movie. It wasn’t what I had ever imaged but was jt what I need bee was a gture of love, and love is what Drew was all about. It ma my heart swell like a balloon beg filled wh too much water until burst, and jt like that I was sobbg unntrollably. I uldn’t tell you what happened for the rt of the movie bee I was so overwhelmed.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">The first queer kiss Star Wars has already been the subject of much cricism onle. Some poted out how one smooch don’t unt as te LGBTQ+ reprentatn, spe the filmmakers <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">pattg themselv on the back for </a> before the movie even me out. Others weren’t pleased wh how the queer characters were unnamed supportg characters who weren’t even a part of the story (a cricism also <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">leveled at Marvel’s cln of a queer character Avengers: Endgame</a>). And many were upset that the moments of lbian affectn were obvly clud such a way that they uld be easily eded out of the film foreign markets where would prove problematic, like has been done <a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer">Sgapore and Dubai</a>.</p><p class="jsx-3649800006 ">And while I agree wh those pots, I n’t help but appreciate the gay kiss on a personal level. Star Wars is about a great many thgs -- the hero’s journey, Good vs. Evil, the agatn of sand -- but to me has always been first and foremost about hope. When I was moved to tears, wasn’t om sadns. It was bee I fally saw somethg on the big screen that I never thought would happen. My hope was reward. And even though Drew didn’t get to see , I fally felt at peace wh him.</p><div data-cy="accent-divir" class="jsx-2008757641 divir"></div><p class="jsx-3649800006 "><em>Joshua is Senr Featur Edor at IGN. You n reach out to him on </em><a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer"><em>Twter @JoshuaYehl</em></a><em> and </em><a href=" target="_blank" class="jsx-955973305 unrled" rel="noopener noreferrer"><em>IGN</em></a><em>.</em></p><div id="p-article-above-vio-1" class="jsx-3647225544 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div><output class="box-wrapper jsx-537794787" data-cy="article-vio"><div class="jsx-3033355949 jsx-2961976369 vio-wrapper"><div class="jsx-3033355949 jsx-2961976369 vio-ntaer"><div class="jsx-3866305403 vio aspect-rat aspect-rat-16-9"><div class="jsx-3044862456 loadg"><svg class="ign-in jsx-2211565535 in-loadg" focable="false" viewBox="0 0 32 32" lor="whe" aria-hidn="false" role="img"><tle>Loadg</tle><path d="M16,5 L16,9 M23.7781746,8.22182541 L20.9497475,11.0502525 M27,16 L23,16 M23.7781746,23.7781746 L20.9497475,20.9497475 M16,27 L16,23 M8.22182541,23.7781746 L11.0502525,20.9497475 M5,16 L9,16 M8.22182541,8.22182541 L11.0502525,11.0502525" stroke="currentColor" fill="none" stroke-lep="round" stroke-lejo="round" stroke-width="2" class="jsx-3044862456"></path></svg></div><div class="jsx-1093179800 badge"><svg class="ign-in jsx-1735195406 in-play" focable="false" viewBox="-2 0 17 21" aria-hidn="false" role="img"><tle>Play</tle><path stroke="none" fill-le="evenodd" clip-le="evenodd" d="M16.094 9.176c1 .6 1 2.049 0 2.649L2.341 20.092A1.545 1.545 0 0 1 0 18.768V2.232A1.545 1.545 0 0 1 2.34.908l13.753 8.268Z" fill="currentColor"></path></svg></div></div></div></div></output><div id="p-article-below-vio-1" class="jsx-3647225544 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div></sectn></sectn><div class="stack jsx-2881464549"><div id="p-article-before-verdict" class="jsx-1985944744 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div><div class="jsx-303009029 adun-wrapper"><div class="jsx-303009029 bobble bobble-1 pogot pg-article"><div data-mix-name="sendaryMedrec" data-pos="1" data-pogo-hi="1" class="jsx-343126785 pogo-slot"></div></div></div></div></div><div class="jsx-3517015813 right-rail"></div></div></div><div class="jsx-1897904587 page-ntent"><div id="p-article-below-all-article-ntent" class="jsx-3647225544 piano-template-placeholr wh-shadow"></div><h3 class="tle3 jsx-115949532">In This Article</h3><sectn class="box-wrapper jsx-537794787 object-summary-embed"><div class="box jsx-2911101772"><div class="ObjectSummaryEmbed_object-ntaer__hb9z4"><div class="ObjectSummaryEmbed_object-loar__LeEK8"></div><div class="ObjectSummaryEmbed_object-tails__UwCNz"><div class="ObjectSummaryEmbed_object-thumbnail__h2Bot"><div class="jsx-142634466 object-thumbnail"><figure class="jsx-4143518889 aspect-rat aspect-rat-1-1"><img dg="async" alt="Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker" src=" srcSet=" 1x, 2x" class="jsx-2920405963 progrsive-image object-image jsx-2407332289 jsx-3166191823 round expand"/></figure></div></div><div class="ObjectSummaryEmbed_object-tle-lumn__fc73H"><a href="/movi/star-wars-episo-ix" class="tle5 jsx-1231161345 jsx-957202555 tle">Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker</a><div class="stack jsx-3465796296 meta-ems jsx-3609068095 subtle"><div class="stack jsx-2562410857 meta-em"><a href="/movi/producer/walt-disney-pictur" tle="Producers" data-cy="embed-producerLk" class="ptn jsx-1189612256 muted">Walt Disney Pictur</a></div><div class="jsx-1608829512 divir vertil"></div><div class="stack jsx-2562410857 meta-em"><time class="ptn jsx-1189612256 muted">Dec 20, 2019</time></div></div></div><div class="stack jsx-3458218677 meta-ems jsx-3609068095 object-meta-ems"><div class="stack jsx-2562410857 meta-em"><div class="ptn jsx-1189612256 active small">Platforms</div><div class="stack jsx-1752463718 platforms"><a href="/movi/platform/theater" tle="Theater" class="platform-in" data-cy="theater"><svg class="ign-in jsx-1785568775" focable="false" viewBox="0 0 16 16" aria-hidn="false" role="img" fill="none" xmlns="><tle>Theater</tle><path d="M0 4a4 4 0 0 1 4-4h8a4 4 0 0 1 4 4v8a4 4 0 0 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