'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT
• WHO IS JOSEPH ZIEGLER, THE GAY IRS WHISTLEBLOWER HUNTER BIN PROBE?
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• 'PASSAG' DIRECTOR NOUNC 'DANGERO' NC-17 RATG ON A FILM PICTG A GAY LOVE STORY
• HOW TO GET A MAN (FOR GAY MEN)
• I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY

GAY AND CAN'T FD A PARTNER?

OK, so, you’re gay, and you want to fd a partner and eventually a hband; someone wh whom to share your life. You thk that maybe ’s jt not possible for gay men to have long-term relatnships. There mt be some tth to the old joke: “What do a gay man brg on a send date?

As an openly gay man wh over 30 years of experience as a therapist, I have seen sr of sgle gay men sabotage their efforts to fd a partner, placg obstacl their own path—whout havg the slightt ia as to what they are dog and why. Fortunately, I have also learned how to intify and name the self-featg and often hidn hurdl—and have disvered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselv, often whout even knowg . In my experience, this ternalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men om buildg a healthy relatnship, and also why many ms up the on they already have.

Some of have been bullied as children; physilly, verbally, and emotnally abed at tenr ag by our peers and fay members for beg gay before we even regnized and unrstood our same-sex attractns. Sadly, the wounds are difficult to heal, and as a rult, n leave gay men wh the sense that we are unlovable and th unworthy of love, affectn, and happs.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too foced on looks, youth, the gym, partyg, and fast hookups; so searchg for Mr.

Right is like lookg for a needle a gaystack.

In the old days, when I was g out, beg gay had more of an outlaw qualy. Nonmonogamy was a polil statement, and gay rights advot saw marriage as nstrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursu, pecially light of how gay men of the era were still gettg ejected om their jobs, hom, fai and blackmailed and arrted for who they were.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Contrary to heterosexual fears, legal gay marriage has given the stutn an enormo boost importance.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

Where ’s legal, same-sex upl are gettg married drov, and some gay weddgs are so theatril and over the top that they n actually be timidatg. Many sgle gay men are happy, valug their tonomy and personal eedom (like the mcled bad boy scribed above).

I have worked wh many gay widowers—guys wh good relatnship track rerds, who are anxly seekg a new mate, but are sabotagg themselv the ways scribed above. I have had several grievg gay men tell me: “If I move on, will be like I am fettg him, ” which is jt not te.

Remember, as a gay man, you have survived lots of direct and direct msag that there was somethg wrong wh you, which has left srs. Gay men have been tght to thk of ourselv as unlovable. Sadly, most married, closeted gay men are manipulative, narcissistic n artists who only thk about themselv wh only ocsnal feelgs of guilt and remorse.

IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT

Often is acpanied by doubt and self-blame, for example, "If I'd been enough of a woman (or man), he (or she) would not be gay.

WHO IS JOSEPH ZIEGLER, THE GAY IRS WHISTLEBLOWER HUNTER BIN PROBE?

Sce all men and women have been raised siar cultur, they have rporated the “ials” of masculy whether they are gay, straight, bisexual, or other. But toxic masculy is not a uniquely heterosexual problem, and some straight women are or were married to very toxic gay men.

My closeted gay hband looks at me wh rentment and disda, and he ab me physilly, emotnally, and verbally.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

Projectn is fundamental to toxic masculy, and one of the characteristics is a disda for homosexualy which generat shame, self-hatred, and even gay bashg.

One woman wrote, Don't tell me they don't know they're gay by the time they're their teens. Early theori about the velopment of homosexualy rerced this ia that to be “a well-veloped homosexual, ” startg adolcence, one begs to pass through stag of homosexual velopment a lear fashn.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

Many straight wiv are unable to share their stori whout beg lambasted as beg homophobic. We n’t share our stori when our gay ex are still firmly their closet.

She was not rejectg homosexualy but the requirement of silence. Here is a typil ment om one of the gay fathers:. My experienc nnot be ed to generalize about all gay men mixed-orientatn marriag, and I would not enurage anyone to seek rapprochement wh an abive man, but gay men are as different om each other as are heterosexual men.

'PASSAG' DIRECTOR NOUNC 'DANGERO' NC-17 RATG ON A FILM PICTG A GAY LOVE STORY

But when the marriage is over bee your spoe turns out to be gay, there is a whole different layer of thoughts and emotns to ntend wh.

HOW TO GET A MAN (FOR GAY MEN)

Bonnie Kaye,, me to specialize helpg women face this unanticipated reason for the mise of their marriage after her own marriage llapsed by virtue of her hband beg gay. Kaye reports that when a woman learns the reason for the problems her marriage-namely homosexualy, she go through a wi range of emotns om vastatn, shame, guilt, rponsibily, and perhaps even to repulsn.

Acrdg to, there are over 4 ln women this untry who are married to, or have been married to gay men, and there are lns more throughout the world. "In almost all s, " Kaye stat, "women wh gay hbands are unaware of their hbands' homosexualy at the time of the marriage.

The answers to the qutns pend on if the gay or lbian spoe knew and tried to reprs the homosexual attractns, whether he or she didn't know they were gay, or if they are bisexual (attracted to both genrs) or pansexual (attracted more to a person's spir or personaly rather than a person's anatomy) so the attractn to their spoe was real was real but not limed to one person or genr.

I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY

The seems to be no shortage of support out there on this subject matter and I also me across several books on the topic that may be of help to both the gay and straight spoe. My Hband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Gui, by Carol Grever.

Then you disver that your spoe or partner is, fact, gay. How to Regnize Your Spoe Is Gay. Unls your spoe shar their sexual orientatn wh you, there is no way to know for sure if they are gay.

You notice pop-ups of gay pornography or gay datg s on their vic. You notice a new group of iends on their social media, many of whom are openly gay.