How to Cope When Your Spoe Is Gay

Contents:

• ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL
• MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY
• THE RUB REPORT TACKL TLC'S 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' CONTROVERSY
• MY HBAND’S NOT GAY COMG TO TLC (UPDATED)
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• 6 THGS ABOUT TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’
• MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR
• CANCEL YOUR UPG TV SHOW, "MY HBAND'S NOT GAY."CANCEL YOUR UPG TV SHOW, "MY HBAND'S NOT GAY."
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• WHY TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS WORTH WATCHG
• REALY SHOW 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' DRAWS NTROVERSY

‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL

In January, the work will air “My Hband’s Not Gay, ” which shows a different kd of Mormon marriage: men who are attracted to other men yet marry women bee of their fah. The church was one of the major relig anizatns that fought for Proposn 8 California to elimate same-sex a separate statement, Hckley, who died 2008, said the church lov “so-lled gays and lbians” like “sons and dghters of God. 11 premiere, meet the st of “My Hband’s Not Gay”:Jeff and TanyaJeff, a Salt Lake Cy native, and Tanya, who grew up Wyomg, met on a bld date 13 years ago.

Sure, they read as gay, they acknowledge that they are attracted to guys, and they go out together to check out other men, but they also repeatedly emphasize the ways they differ om people livg a so-lled “gay liftyle” bee of nsc choic they have ma. Dpe the work’s assertns that the show “solely reprents the views of the dividuals featured, ” there are repeated suggtns that gay men n be attracted to women and that homosexual orientatns are not fixed and unchangg but fluid and negotiable. This ex-gay mdset is what mak the show so od, and s foc on orientatn change ought to be distguished om other, ls harmful efforts to rencile tradnal fah backgrounds wh LGBTQ inti.

MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY

Although My Hband’s Not Gay attempts to stick to the personal experienc of s subjects, a group of Mormons who live around Salt Lake Cy, the iology of orientatn change slips around the edg, particularly when the show’s subjects fe what means to be gay. The reful distctns they make between “experiencg same-sex attractns”—or SSA—and beg gay would be enough to imprs the most arnt votee of polilly rrect lguistic parsg.

THE RUB REPORT TACKL TLC'S 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' CONTROVERSY

” Clearly, the are people who believe that if they had ma different choic, they would be gay men, not people who believe that beg gay is tegorilly distct om their experience of same-sex attractn. There are ways that a gay orientatn uld be renciled wh heterosexual marriage that wouldn’t rely on the belief that changg one’s sexual orientatn is possible.

” He thereby suggts that sexual fluidy is universally experienced, implyg that a gay orientatn n be waed out, as if were a bad se of the measl. It is, however, referenced briefly by a guy intified as Shn, who spends a few sends actg as a pro-gay foil for the show’s protagonists.

MY HBAND’S NOT GAY COMG TO TLC (UPDATED)

In that moment, when a gay man’s assertn that he is not and uld not be attracted to women is challenged, the pretense that the show als only wh the particular men’s dividual experience evaporat. They do not believe that they are different om gay men bee they are also attracted to women; they believe that is possible for gay men to bee attracted to women, and they explicly say so. However, I believe that there’s an important distctn to be ma between approach that irrponsibly promote orientatn change ( spe of all the evince agast ), as opposed to those that affirm the existence of persistent, unchangg sexual orientatns most gay men and many lbians.

The iendlit of the renciliatn strategi is a belief that same-sex marriag are valid and should be blsed by tradnal church, and gay and lbian people of fah should chew sex outsi such unns exactly the same way that heterosexual men and women are expected to. Still, even the more hardle posn that gays and lbians are lled to be celibate if they are unable to participate a heterosexual marriage is an improvement on the nial and ercn of ex-gay mistri, which promote nversn “therapy” leadg to eventual orientatn change. The expectatn that gays should fo sexual and romantic timacy altogether is a tough one—I certaly would never want to live that way—but at least don’t ny the existence of certa people whose orientatn is fixed the directn of same-sex relatnships, and regniz that such people are beg asked to do somethg unique and difficult.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The dacy of the expectatn that gays and lbians mt go whout romantic love means that celibate gay Christians such tradns n unter wh their own mands for spirual support and nourishment and hold their church acuntable if their special needs are not met. While imperfect, this at least allows space for gays and lbians to speak the tth about themselv while remag wh a fah tradn that they see as too central to their inti to let go of—or too important to let go of all at once, s where celibacy serv as a way statn on the way to a Christiany that is more affirmg of the need to form romantic partnerships.

However, by ignorg the possibily that most gay men will never feel enough attractn to a woman to have the sort of timate, romantic bond people expect out of a marriage, the men are dog far more than sharg their personal experience—they’re suggtg that orientatn change is a viable alternative for gay men and lbians more generally.

THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

While those of who do not share a tradnal sexual ethic may fd hard to make distctns between two equally alien approach to homosexualy wh tradnal religns, behoov to give some cred to those strategi that validate LGBTQ people’s inti, ntrast to those that actively enurage self-ceptn and raise false hop of one day experiencg heterosexual attractn. Rub Report host Dave Rub sound off on the ntroversy surroundg TLC's "My Hband's Not Gay, " a new special which foc on a group of Mormon men who say they have chosen to marry women even though they are attracted to other men.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

"I actually got really upset at the women who know that their hband is gay and they're enablg this nial of who they really are by marryg them... " Potg to stigmas that exist around homosexualy and masculy, Mankiewicz add, "I believe is scere, and I believe they thk they n do . UPDATE: A petn on has garnered almost 80, 000 signatur mandg that TLC ncel My Hband's Not Gay, sayg the show, "promot the false and dangero ia that gay people n and should choose to be straight orr to be part of their fah muni.

Another wife ss and s sympathetilly at her not-gay hband as he talks about how he's fely to Hband's Not Gay highlights a clash between historic anti-gay doctre the Mormon church and mastream society's growg unrstandg and acceptance of non-heteronormative liftyl.

My Hband's Not Gay is the perfect mixture of obv, exploative, silly, and grim that we've e to know and hate-like om the The Learng Channel. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men.

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. It has started a ntroversy—one that reveals a lot about cultural tensns brilliance of the televisn special My Hband's Not Gay begs wh s name.

6 THGS ABOUT TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’

And prompts the pable, skg feelg that the lady doth prott too much: If she has to expla that her hband's not gay, she's already admted that his attractn to her is ls than, many people are angry about My Hband's Not Gay, which is s send stroke of brilliance. The TLC show, which aired on Sunday night, follows four men who all experience "same-sex attractn, " or "SSA, " but who don't want to live "the gay liftyle" bee of their Mormon relig beliefs. " In the lead-up to the special's premiere, more than 100, 000 people signed a petn to get ncelled, claimg promot "'reparative therapy, ' a discreded and dangero practice that falsely claims to turn gay people straight.

This approach to programmg succeeds, wildly, bee 's a pure distillatn of the appeal of realy televisn: self-righteo problem, though, wh makg realy televisn about gay men who don't want to be gay is that will variably lack empathy for the pa that likely f those men's liv.

The failure of My Hband's Not Gay is one of style, not substance; but the fact that has been protted for s substance says a lot about the cultural tensns surroundg homosexualy Ameri. The openg of My Hband's Not Gay is a straight llback to the the openg sequence of the fictnal HBO seri Big Love, about a polygamo fay of fundamentalist Mormons. It's a bound performance of sexualy: They've stctured their relatnships so that they n exprs their feelgs of attractn and even toy wh gay inty while still settg firm lims on their behavr.

MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR

Watchg My Hband's Not Gay is like the passive emotnal experience of wanrg through a low-budget rnival, gawkg at the sishow eaks for a short moment before losg attentn and movg on. All three of the upl featured have worked wh an anizatn lled Voic of Hope, sharg their experienc on tape and speakg publicly support of "non-gay liftyl" for people who experience "same-sex attractn.

CANCEL YOUR UPG TV SHOW, "MY HBAND'S NOT GAY."CANCEL YOUR UPG TV SHOW, "MY HBAND'S NOT GAY."

" While uld fairly be lled propaganda, 's not exactly "prayg away the gay": Voic of Hope is part of the Mormon anizatn North Star Internatnal, which says on s webse that "whether or not dividuals choose to make efforts to dimish or elimate homosexual feelgs, and whether or not those efforts succeed, is ls important to North Star’s purpos. Sendg the msage that beg gay is somethg that n and ought to be changed, or that you should reject your sexual orientatn by marryg someone of the oppose sex, " the petn says.

By airg a televisn special about this worldview, objectors say, TLC is implicly endorsg —which is a form of will be the next great nflict surroundg gayns Ameri: between those who mand acceptance of homosexualy and those who fd morally unacceptable. It's a sign of jt how far gay rights have e Ameri that TLC would be lled out for even acknowledgg a worldview that isn't fully acceptg of gayns.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

The objectns aren't about wng legal rights, or enanchisement, or even civily; they're about wng total cultural acceptance of homosexualy.

The upl My Hband's Not Gay have created liv they say they want, liv that are tolerant of homosexualy every way except choosg, themselv, to have gay sex. Of urse, that's not what happened My Hband's Not Gay, but that probably uldn't be helped; nuance don't tend to be the tramark of realy televisn.

But if possible, My Hband's Not Gay should be treated as a varsy-level exercise fdg empathy; even for those who disagree wh the choic the upl have ma, they may still regnize the stggle. Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first. In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life.

WHY TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS WORTH WATCHG

If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you. So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay. Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

There are plenty of wiv who choose to stay married even after fdg out later the marriage that their hband is gay and attracted to men. You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife.

REALY SHOW 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' DRAWS NTROVERSY

I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually. Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv.