Straight Women and Their Gay Hbands | Psychology Today

Contents:

• THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL
• MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR
• REALY SHOW 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' DRAWS NTROVERSY
• MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY
• WHY TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS WORTH WATCHG
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• WTF? TLC'S NEW SPECIAL MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS EVEN WEIRR THAN IT SOUNDS: WATCH NOW
• THE RUB REPORT TACKL TLC'S 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' CONTROVERSY
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• EP 19. MY HBAND'S NOT GAY
• 4 REASONS TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS DANGERO FOR LGBT PEOPLE
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

THE PROFOUND LACK OF EMPATHY MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

It has started a ntroversy—one that reveals a lot about cultural tensns brilliance of the televisn special My Hband's Not Gay begs wh s name.

And prompts the pable, skg feelg that the lady doth prott too much: If she has to expla that her hband's not gay, she's already admted that his attractn to her is ls than, many people are angry about My Hband's Not Gay, which is s send stroke of brilliance. The TLC show, which aired on Sunday night, follows four men who all experience "same-sex attractn, " or "SSA, " but who don't want to live "the gay liftyle" bee of their Mormon relig beliefs. " In the lead-up to the special's premiere, more than 100, 000 people signed a petn to get ncelled, claimg promot "'reparative therapy, ' a discreded and dangero practice that falsely claims to turn gay people straight.

‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’: MEET THE CAST OF TLC SPECIAL ABOUT 3 MORMON COUPL

This approach to programmg succeeds, wildly, bee 's a pure distillatn of the appeal of realy televisn: self-righteo problem, though, wh makg realy televisn about gay men who don't want to be gay is that will variably lack empathy for the pa that likely f those men's liv.

The failure of My Hband's Not Gay is one of style, not substance; but the fact that has been protted for s substance says a lot about the cultural tensns surroundg homosexualy Ameri. The openg of My Hband's Not Gay is a straight llback to the the openg sequence of the fictnal HBO seri Big Love, about a polygamo fay of fundamentalist Mormons.

MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS FELY NOT WORTH THE UPROAR

It's a bound performance of sexualy: They've stctured their relatnships so that they n exprs their feelgs of attractn and even toy wh gay inty while still settg firm lims on their behavr. Watchg My Hband's Not Gay is like the passive emotnal experience of wanrg through a low-budget rnival, gawkg at the sishow eaks for a short moment before losg attentn and movg on. All three of the upl featured have worked wh an anizatn lled Voic of Hope, sharg their experienc on tape and speakg publicly support of "non-gay liftyl" for people who experience "same-sex attractn.

" While uld fairly be lled propaganda, 's not exactly "prayg away the gay": Voic of Hope is part of the Mormon anizatn North Star Internatnal, which says on s webse that "whether or not dividuals choose to make efforts to dimish or elimate homosexual feelgs, and whether or not those efforts succeed, is ls important to North Star’s purpos. Sendg the msage that beg gay is somethg that n and ought to be changed, or that you should reject your sexual orientatn by marryg someone of the oppose sex, " the petn says. By airg a televisn special about this worldview, objectors say, TLC is implicly endorsg —which is a form of will be the next great nflict surroundg gayns Ameri: between those who mand acceptance of homosexualy and those who fd morally unacceptable.

It's a sign of jt how far gay rights have e Ameri that TLC would be lled out for even acknowledgg a worldview that isn't fully acceptg of gayns. The upl My Hband's Not Gay have created liv they say they want, liv that are tolerant of homosexualy every way except choosg, themselv, to have gay sex. Of urse, that's not what happened My Hband's Not Gay, but that probably uldn't be helped; nuance don't tend to be the tramark of realy televisn.

REALY SHOW 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' DRAWS NTROVERSY

But if possible, My Hband's Not Gay should be treated as a varsy-level exercise fdg empathy; even for those who disagree wh the choic the upl have ma, they may still regnize the stggle. In January, the work will air “My Hband’s Not Gay, ” which shows a different kd of Mormon marriage: men who are attracted to other men yet marry women bee of their fah. The church was one of the major relig anizatns that fought for Proposn 8 California to elimate same-sex a separate statement, Hckley, who died 2008, said the church lov “so-lled gays and lbians” like “sons and dghters of God.

11 premiere, meet the st of “My Hband’s Not Gay”:Jeff and TanyaJeff, a Salt Lake Cy native, and Tanya, who grew up Wyomg, met on a bld date 13 years ago. This week GLAAD let loose their ire on TLC’s upg special My Hband’s Not Gay, which premier on Sunday 11 January at 10pm EST – directly oppose the Goln Glob, ensurg that nary a gay man will actually see . ” GLAAD isn’t the only one tryg to get TLC to pull the plug: nearly 100, 000 people have signed a petn at askg for the work, the former home of Here Com Honey Boo Boo, to ncel the first blh, I would agree wh GLAAD that is irrponsible to poe the doctre of reparative therapy, where relig groups believe that gay men and lbians n pray the gay away and live heterosexual liv.

MY HBAND’S NOT GAY MISUNRSTANDS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY

It’s dangero to tell people that they n somehow stop beg gay if God wav a magic wand and mak them really thk there is somethg credibly sexy about Megan Fox wearg a belly ’s not really what this show is about though. Jt as I hope they all rpect my right to live as an openly gay man, I gus I have to give them the same rpect to choose not to act on their are a gay man and a former member of the SSA muny who get to give their views durg the 60-mute special.

WHY TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS WORTH WATCHG

They don’t expand upon , but I image a bunch of middle-aged dus the rec room of a fished basement a half-naked scm wh that magic Mormon unrwear ltered all over the wall-to-wall thg about My Hband’s Not Gay is that is not gog to nvce anyone at eher end of the iologil spectm. Controversy is buzzg around a new TLC realy special — and hasn't even aired show “My Hband’s Not Gay” follows Mormon men Utah who are married to women but attracted to men. RELATED: ‘Duck Dynasty’ star: ‘Tryg to figure out’ if beg gay is a choice“I thk this show is disgraceful and that there are many thgs wrong wh , ” said Sarah Kate Ellis, the CEO and print of GLAAD.

“That kd of therapy tri to ‘cure’ people om beg gay and we know that’s been refuted for years … feeds to a much bigger epimic of higher cints of suici, higher cints bullyg the LGBT muny and sends a bad, bad cultural msage.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

The petn says the show “promot the false and dangero ia that gay people n and should choose to be straight orr to be part of their fah muni. Mov to ban gay nversn therapy among mors“My Hband’s Not Gay” follows one bachelor and three married, heterosexual upl, Jeff and Tanya, Pret and Megan, Curtis and Tera. Sure, they read as gay, they acknowledge that they are attracted to guys, and they go out together to check out other men, but they also repeatedly emphasize the ways they differ om people livg a so-lled “gay liftyle” bee of nsc choic they have ma.

Dpe the work’s assertns that the show “solely reprents the views of the dividuals featured, ” there are repeated suggtns that gay men n be attracted to women and that homosexual orientatns are not fixed and unchangg but fluid and negotiable. This ex-gay mdset is what mak the show so od, and s foc on orientatn change ought to be distguished om other, ls harmful efforts to rencile tradnal fah backgrounds wh LGBTQ inti.

WTF? TLC'S NEW SPECIAL MY HBAND'S NOT GAY IS EVEN WEIRR THAN IT SOUNDS: WATCH NOW

Although My Hband’s Not Gay attempts to stick to the personal experienc of s subjects, a group of Mormons who live around Salt Lake Cy, the iology of orientatn change slips around the edg, particularly when the show’s subjects fe what means to be gay. The reful distctns they make between “experiencg same-sex attractns”—or SSA—and beg gay would be enough to imprs the most arnt votee of polilly rrect lguistic parsg. ” Clearly, the are people who believe that if they had ma different choic, they would be gay men, not people who believe that beg gay is tegorilly distct om their experience of same-sex attractn.

There are ways that a gay orientatn uld be renciled wh heterosexual marriage that wouldn’t rely on the belief that changg one’s sexual orientatn is possible. ” He thereby suggts that sexual fluidy is universally experienced, implyg that a gay orientatn n be waed out, as if were a bad se of the measl.

THE RUB REPORT TACKL TLC'S 'MY HBAND'S NOT GAY' CONTROVERSY

In that moment, when a gay man’s assertn that he is not and uld not be attracted to women is challenged, the pretense that the show als only wh the particular men’s dividual experience evaporat.

They do not believe that they are different om gay men bee they are also attracted to women; they believe that is possible for gay men to bee attracted to women, and they explicly say so.

However, I believe that there’s an important distctn to be ma between approach that irrponsibly promote orientatn change ( spe of all the evince agast ), as opposed to those that affirm the existence of persistent, unchangg sexual orientatns most gay men and many lbians. The iendlit of the renciliatn strategi is a belief that same-sex marriag are valid and should be blsed by tradnal church, and gay and lbian people of fah should chew sex outsi such unns exactly the same way that heterosexual men and women are expected to. Still, even the more hardle posn that gays and lbians are lled to be celibate if they are unable to participate a heterosexual marriage is an improvement on the nial and ercn of ex-gay mistri, which promote nversn “therapy” leadg to eventual orientatn change.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

The expectatn that gays should fo sexual and romantic timacy altogether is a tough one—I certaly would never want to live that way—but at least don’t ny the existence of certa people whose orientatn is fixed the directn of same-sex relatnships, and regniz that such people are beg asked to do somethg unique and difficult. The dacy of the expectatn that gays and lbians mt go whout romantic love means that celibate gay Christians such tradns n unter wh their own mands for spirual support and nourishment and hold their church acuntable if their special needs are not met.

While imperfect, this at least allows space for gays and lbians to speak the tth about themselv while remag wh a fah tradn that they see as too central to their inti to let go of—or too important to let go of all at once, s where celibacy serv as a way statn on the way to a Christiany that is more affirmg of the need to form romantic partnerships. However, by ignorg the possibily that most gay men will never feel enough attractn to a woman to have the sort of timate, romantic bond people expect out of a marriage, the men are dog far more than sharg their personal experience—they’re suggtg that orientatn change is a viable alternative for gay men and lbians more generally. While those of who do not share a tradnal sexual ethic may fd hard to make distctns between two equally alien approach to homosexualy wh tradnal religns, behoov to give some cred to those strategi that validate LGBTQ people’s inti, ntrast to those that actively enurage self-ceptn and raise false hop of one day experiencg heterosexual attractn.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

When TLC announced would air a one-hour special lled My Hband’s Not Gay about Mormon men wh same-sex attractns who pursue relatnships wh women, the LGBT muny was unrstandably upset. Over 75, 000 signed a petn llg on the work to ncel the show bee “promot the false and dangero ia that gay people n and should choose to be straight orr to be part of their fah muni.

But My Hband’s Not Gay is not a puff piece profile or some one-sid documentary wh propaganda tents; ’s a realy TV show, and so rarely are the subjects of realy shown a flatterg light. ” The upl scribe the word “gay” as a “liftyle choice” and “not real accurate” to scribe the men, bee they believe means havg relatnships wh other men.

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

They check out the guys they play basketball wh (who they sist be “sks” stead of “shirts”); they check out the waer at the rtrant; they check out other gay guys they know at the fashn boutique. From the moment they wake up the morng until the moment they kiss their wiv goodnight, they see the world through a homosexual lens that impacts how they teract wh every person they enunter. ” But several of the men talk about their past work wh the SSA muny, and sure enough, that work actually clus open advocy for ex-gay therapy.

In fact, as Media Matters disvered, both Pret Dahlgren and Jeff Bennn have openly spoken on behalf of North Star Internatnal, a mistry for SSA Mormons that promot ex-gay therapy. Dahlgren is actually the former chairman of Evergreen Internatnal, a Mormon ex-gay anizatn that shut down and was fold to North Star last year.

) Bennn ld sexual orientatn change efforts (SOCE) as part of his own therapy, “all aimed at helpg me better manage my homosexual attractns wh the ntext of my value system. ” When the state of Utah was fightg marriage equaly the urts, specifilly highlighted Voic of Hope as evince that “some gays and lbians have chosen to exercise their fundamental right to marry a person of the oppose sex, ” th jtifyg limg the tegory of marriage to man-woman relatnships.

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

That TLC ma no mentn of the fact that all three of the married upl have nnectns to pro-ex-gay therapy anizatn certaly adds to any crique of the work’s handlg of this subject, but at the same time, this knowledge adds to the show’s backfire. Bennn’s scriptn of how SOCE helped him marry a woman uld easily be paraphrased as such: SOCE helped him bury all the anguish he was tght to feel about beg gay so that he uld endure a forced relatnship wh a woman — while still havg sleepovers and takg mpg trips wh men. Even the absence of explic ex-gay therapy, those who are gay are enuraged to marry and start a fay specifilly as a way to overe their attractns.

Mch Mayne, who formerly served as Executive Secretary for the Bishopric of the Bay Ward San Francis, has received untls letters om fellow gay Mormons who suffer for years bee of their self-nial, and whose fai have been vastated when they n ny their sexualy no longer.

Mayne rejects My Hband’s Not Gay as dangero, implorg his fellow Mormons to stop “livg nial” and stop teachg “that LGBT Mormons need to change who they are to be clud our muny, our fai, or our Savr’s kgdom. Fally, the relatnships suggt to some people “reparative therapy, ” the uhil and impossible claim that a person n be changed om gay to straight.

MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

You might be able to claim your inty by meetg ocsnally wh gay men, stayg touch on Facebook, and lettg your gay iends know that you want to rema sexually fahful to your wife. I warn mixed-orientatn upl that he may feel differently later life and his gayns may surface more strongly and bee more of an inty for him and th bee an issue their marriage.

Both straight and gay muni put enormo prsure on the man and woman a mixed-orientatn marriage, and few marriag n stand up unr this social, fay, and relig prsure. A gay man n tly love a woman, have satisfyg and regular sex wh her, and want to stay married to her while beg unterted other women sexually.

Matag a mixed-orientatn marriage requir endurg the strs of keepg the secrets that one of them is gay and beg discreet how they live their liv. TLC"I get a ltle fensive when somebody lls my hband gay, " one of the wiv not before she is told a spirual meetg that "the whole act is agast the teachgs of the gospel.

EP 19. MY HBAND'S NOT GAY

Rub Report host Dave Rub sound off on the ntroversy surroundg TLC's "My Hband's Not Gay, " a new special which foc on a group of Mormon men who say they have chosen to marry women even though they are attracted to other men. "I actually got really upset at the women who know that their hband is gay and they're enablg this nial of who they really are by marryg them...

Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

4 REASONS TLC’S ‘MY HBAND’S NOT GAY’ IS DANGERO FOR LGBT PEOPLE

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first.

In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life. If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay. Among the upl, when the gay, lbian, or bisexual partner out, a third of the upl break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then spl; the remag third try to make their marriag work. Bonnie Kaye,, me to specialize helpg women face this unanticipated reason for the mise of their marriage after her own marriage llapsed by virtue of her hband beg gay.

Kaye reports that when a woman learns the reason for the problems her marriage-namely homosexualy, she go through a wi range of emotns om vastatn, shame, guilt, rponsibily, and perhaps even to repulsn. Acrdg to, there are over 4 ln women this untry who are married to, or have been married to gay men, and there are lns more throughout the world.

The answers to the qutns pend on if the gay or lbian spoe knew and tried to reprs the homosexual attractns, whether he or she didn't know they were gay, or if they are bisexual (attracted to both genrs) or pansexual (attracted more to a person's spir or personaly rather than a person's anatomy) so the attractn to their spoe was real was real but not limed to one person or genr. The seems to be no shortage of support out there on this subject matter and I also me across several books on the topic that may be of help to both the gay and straight spoe. 'My Hband's Not Gay' is an episo that featur four Mormon men who have the unique or unual sire to live a heterosexual liftyle; however, they claim that they are attracted to men.